The Pressure is Off (a bit)

 So, I got another affirmation this morning that I'm being left off conversations that ultimately impact the work I was hired to do. It is more than likely an oversight since I just started 2 months ago, but my Brain has been on high alert since the first instance of this happening. My goal was to give my best for the 1st 3 months before reflecting and deciding on a path forward.

After recurring instances of being the last to know about things, my Brain couldn't help but adapt. It slowly started to inch away from "my best"...and more towards working smarter. Do the most visible thing you were asked to do. I mean this change is barely noticeable to the casual observer as it's been more a mental shift than a difference in output. 

It's annoying to me to be asked to execute a task for which I was not part of the decision making process. It's annoying to be asked my opinion about something last minute when everyone else had 100 days of conversation about it. It's annoying to feel left out, when I'm trying so hard to fit in. 

I feel myself closing up and mentally preparing an exit plan. It's just something more to think about if I am required to move to my work site after COVID. I'm not in the mood to fight to be seen or heard. I'm just not. And I have essentially been trying to "suck up" to my boss, but it's not a battle I can win. I don't think my prayers for making a positive significant impact (in the first 6 months) will be answered. 

I think I'm just being patted on the head and carried along. It's okay. I am okay. It shall be okay. 

I just am beginning to believe I don't need to try so hard. 

Don't tell me you want to showcase me but leave me off important business conversations and decisions. I think I'm hurt, but it's okay. Something I verbalized the other day - the more stuff you leave me off of, the less I have to do. 

My eyes are ready to pop out of my head

 My eyes are ready to pop out of my head and find a new body that will take better care of them. 

But I'm celebrating the win of making it through the workweek. It was a slog but suddenly Friday was here. I only had 3 meetings. Got Mexican Food. Watched a show. Then tried to close my eyes and ended up on here. 

I won't spend anymore time grumbling (at least not in this particular moment). 

I survived and lived to tell the story!

I'm having trouble sleeping

I'm having trouble sleeping. Part of it is definitely my fault. I've identified that if I eat piles of sugar (i.e. a cookie or two) before bed, I will fall into a 2 hour coma. This is not restful sleep.  Then I'll wake up and have trouble falling and staying asleep the rest of the night. Yet, I do it anyway. I think I just get tired of being awake with nothing to do honestly.

The other part of this is not really having that drive home from work. So my work problems stay with me through the night. I don't have a good separator.

Last night's ruminations were concerning an email from a co-worker. Other people are so good at "clarifying" their thoughts, i.e. correcting others. But for me, I think it reads as defensive and unnecessary, so I don't do it. But I really want to. That's really it. 

I'm tired of feeling like I'm told one thing and then when it comes time to act, people act like they have no idea what I'm talking about. Or worse, that I have no idea what I'm talking about. This is troubling. 

So do I respond to this person or not? I had given myself 3 months to observe before I started the "clap-back" as the young folks say. I might just have to keep biting my tongue until then.   On further thought, I think that's a good exercise in discernment - gathering all the facts.  

But this is at the risk of getting overlooked, talked over, and viewed as incompetent. I guess I have to choose my own path. I'm already feeling the dread. 

A Not so Dreamy Job

 Today was an okay day.

What I'm proud of:

- Leading a Meet and Greet (that I scheduled but ended up dreading)

    - what worked: writing out a script ahead of time with questions

- Offering to essentially do admin work for buddy (even though I didn't really want to)

    - my goal: was to throw her off (but that might be in my head)

The shine of the new girl (i.e. me) seems to have worn off.

I'm still moving forward with projects I'd like to see done; even though I know they won't get off the ground. I think I'll continue with any lingering thoughts on that until my 3-month mark. Then continue with the status quo after that. 

Some things:

- still getting overlooked in meetings, in favor of my counterpart (plan is just to get used to it and feed into it)

- i don't like being left out of 12 step decisions and then expected to act on the 11th step

- some things take forever to get done; but other things move fast

Done for the day; I already thought today was Thursday for much of the day, so you could say I'm ready for the day and this week to be over! 

Oh, I decided, if I make it to 3 months, I'm going to redeem my 1 year of Free Apple TV :)

Boss is Out, Day 2

 I'm having some weird feelings. 

Work is strange. I feel like I'm maybe not as vocal as others might want me to be, but for some reason I'm fighting this. I'm also not joining in on the video conferencing. I don't want to use my video. #singlegirllife I don't get dressed every morning. Maybe that should be an expectation, but oh well. 

Today in a meeting, I felt quite overlooked. 

Talking to my co-worker is like talking in circles. We don't communicate well. She doesn't really understand what I'm asking. 

My boss is supposed to be off, but she's still emailing us.

Every little step is a conversation. I hate it. 

In a meeting, we'll table a discussion and people act like they don't know what the answer is. When I follow-up, there suddenly is a consenus. Am I being gaslighted? This has happened at least twice now. Three times even.

My soft goal has just been to focus on the work I've been hired to do instead of having comments and feedback on work I have experience in. That's been hard. 

I want to take larger steps but everything is a process and I don't own any process so that I can see it through from beginning to end. 

There's a 17 page document that I think could and should be 5. I even started to create the 5-page version of it - honestly, just for my sake- but I don't think the author of that document will be amenable to changes. 

I'm supposed to be eating dinner at 6p, but I think I'm ready to be done with this day at 4p. I want to eat my beans and rice and brownie and find something to watch. Trying to decide if I should redeem my 1 year free Apple TV offer right now. I have 3 months to redeem it. 

Monday, 1:07pm, a little glimmer

 So, I just cooked a pot of beans and rice, cleared my inbox, loaded the dishwasher, and responded to my brother. All things I was not looking forward to doing today.

Once I cleared my inbox, I realized there wasn't much I needed to do today. And for the first time since new job = no meetings!  This completely boosted my mood.

I even went on to check on some of my accounts with bigger balances for the bank bonus (dread). Chase charged me $5 monthly fee so now I'm not sure if I'll get the bonus because the required daily balance for the bonus went down by $5. I'm hopeful that they average the daily balance so if I boost the rest of the months, it'll average out. I'll find out in 3 months, I guess. 

I signed up for the legal plan at New Job. I'm hoping to leave a will, where once I wasn't. Ideally, I wish I could entrust someone in the US to send money to my parents overseas after I die. There is one aunt I think would do it, but we've just never talked about that kind of thing before. So I don't know. 

If I were really swinging for the fences today, I'd like to:

- Sign up for FreeCE

- Finish the remaining CEs this week

- Buy iPad keyboard (I was originally going to just get a foam shatterproof case, but my boss said her husband uses a little external keyboard and works on that. I wasn't really planning on using the iPad for regular work, but this might be a better option than a brightly colored kidproof case.) 

- Brush and floss (meh)

More thoughts on the iPad.

I was initially concerned about keeping the iPad in a kidproof case because it looked childish, albeit functional. I think I don't really know yet how I'm going to be using it or if I'll ever need to travel for business. I can't think of a time, when I would use iPad instead of laptop while traveling.  I just don't use mobile devices like that yet. It's really hard to think long-term when my long-term plans are defaulted to a different direction. But if I move that to the background, if I imagine a future in this role, there would be an instance where I could possibly travel or try to multi-task for appointments and could utilize an iPad with keyboard. Just the other day when I took my car in for service, I took the iPad just in case I was running late and needed to log-in to a meeting. Okay, I guess I'll just price it for now and see how I feel. 

Boss is Gone, Day 1

 For whatever reason, my boss being gone this week is filling me with angst. I guess in the work environment she was my emotional support human. 

• I recognize how inappropriate the nature of that relationship is, but I can't help it. I admire her a lot. I think I've said it before. She's the kind of person I would want as a friend. But I know I have to stop thinking about her as a potential friend because I can't have her be emotionally responsible for me. That would be unprofessional.
• What I like about her: I think she's in her 40s. The fact that she chose me. (Note: I am quite emotionally fragile these days, so any sign of affection or special attention is like a drop of water in the desert.) She has a big boss job and still has to care for her family (well I don't like that so much). But she does it without complaining. She's been on a 1:1 with me and making pot pie for her son? What?! I don't like that half the time when I ask, her husband gets up and plays golf in the morning. I'm wondering - on the way home, does he meal plan and pick up the shopping or run errands for the family. Somehow I doubt that. They are on vacation this week. I wonder if he booked and or planned the place. I doubt that. I digress. But this is what makes me so curious about what women get out of being in relationships. In the workplace, we're taught to stick up for ourselves; get credit for our work; say no; establish boundaries; demand equal treatment. But at home, it's back to the 1950s. 

I already lost my train of thought. 

• Yesterday, when Sunday was taking forever to finish, I just wanted Monday to come already. Now that Monday is here I just want to go back on the couch and surf channels.  
• I just feel nervous and anxious. 

My brother is in NC. 

I forgot to mention that the reason my last post was entitled sweet and salty was because that's all I ate this weekend - chips and cookies. It was a lot of poor food choices and tears.  I think I might move my death date up. That happened. It occurred to me that this COVID isolation provided a simulation of what life was going to be like after I quit my job and waited to die. Ugh.  My next milestone birthday is 40 and I don't think I want to reach that number. 

I don't want to do the pile of dishes downstairs.

I don't want to deal with the emails in the inbox. 

I have some shoring up of accounts to do, and I don't want to do that either. 

I was trying to find different things each day to look forward to, but I couldn't. 

I did shower this morning. 

What would make me feel better?

Honestly? I wish my boss would send me a message to check on me. How sad is that! 

In lieu of my tentative earlier Death Date, my most immediate goal is to get to 3 months at New Job. At that point, I will consider that task completed. And that was kind of the last thing left to do. 

Sweet, Salty Tears

 It's only been a few handfuls of tears today. But I just feel so...

I don't know what I feel. 

Even Death Date isn't that comforting. It still seems so far away, and I mean there's no real plan there. 

Well at least I know I have to keep working. What's the alternative? I can't go anywhere. #COVID

Not sure where I would go anyway. Or even if I had somewhere to go, that I would. 

I think about dying all the time. But it's not the escape it once was. It's more an inevitable truth. And yes, there's a chance I might be able to orchestrate its early arrival, but that doesn't bring me anymore comfort.

How do I feel differently right now? 

Things I wish I knew:

How my aunt is doing?

Is heaven awesome?

Is she even watching down on me...on any of us? Or am I just here by myself continuing to wander aimlessly?

Do my feelings even matter?

Can she see or hear me?

Does my suffering bring her any solace, to know that her life mattered? 

Am I just fixating on her to not deal with something deeper?

What do my co-workers think about me?

Did the vendor at work say something about me to my boss?

Has there been a shift at work or am I imagining things?

Are people talking about me at work? Are they saying mean things?

How does this part of my story end? 

My boss will be out next week. I don't know why that's making me feel a bit unhinged. Maybe because our Friday chats were the thing I looked forward to most. That's a lot of emotional responsibility for a boss. So I've been trying to wean myself off her attention. I don't think we even have any more scheduled chats.

Getting this job just added a twist to the narrative. I know as a Christian I'm supposed to trust in God's timing, but honestly it's never made sense to me. It always seemed a day late and a dollar short. 

Getting the fancy title at the fancy company with the fancy salary after so much heartache to get here doesn't make it better. I don't know why people say that. For me, the struggle has never been worth it.

When I have to go through that much turmoil for something it should feel good twice as long as it felt bad, at the very least. And it felt bad for a year and some change. 

I wish I knew the outcome of this story. 

I just wanted one last chance to have a remarkable end to my story. 

But I just don't see it. 

I can't believe this is really how my last years on earth will be. I can't believe this is the last thing I'll do. I think .001% of me was calling God's bluff. Like if I challenge Him that he would show me all the wonders He could do. But I think I've called his bluff too many times. 

I can't believe this is how it ends. 

It's not a bad ending, but I expected more. 

Maybe I'm just one of those people who can't be pleased, who can't be satisfied. But I don't think so. I don't believe that. 

Well I've stopped crying. So there's that. 

Friday Brain Dump

 I've had a few post ideas running through my head, but I can't remember them now, so here we have a Friday brain dump. 

• Getting slightly more worried about identify theft with all the accounts I have open and mail not getting forwarded. Keep hearing warnings and seeing fail safes for money laundering. 
• When I stick to it, keeping friends and family emails to Wednesday is awesome. Business (personal business) emails to Tuesday. Have yet to formally write out my calendar. Just bits of pieces everywhere.

Work Life

• Had some highs and lows. Still a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, mostly on my end. I want to make an impact - a big, splashy, sustainable, positive, acknowledged, meaningful smart impact. The pressure of this is making me cower in fear ...fear of making no impact at all. That will have to be okay.
• Getting used to not trying to change everything. 
• Sometimes I feel left out of things. Decided to take this as a win = less things I'm responsible for. 
• Sometimes feel like one of my co-workers has a hidden agenda. 
• Sometimes feel like the go-for.
• Wonder what my real job is. Cuz I feel a little overpaid to be an admin (#nocomplaints). 
• Talkative people really get away with saying not much in a lot of words. 

Other Life

• Car was slow to turn over. I immediately thought it was my battery, and prayed I was right. Felt dread at the thought of having to purchase a new car. Not just the expense but the decision making, and a little regret for letting unnamed family member take my sainted aunt's car when I know she meant for it to go to me. Luckily, one morning I just woke up and decided to take it to dealer. It was the battery. They replaced it for about $200. Grateful that the expense does not affect my ability to feed, house, or clothe myself. 
• This house has so many bugs! I can't keep them out. Oh well, this is the death house. This is precisely why I chose it.

Lost my train of thought. Not sure what is on TV to watch. I kind of want to make/order some nachos and make some cookies.  

Oh I know... I decided for now I'm either just a little socially awkward or a high-functioning adult on the spectrum. Then some comedians say things that make me feel normal. Example, one said there's nothing better than cancelled plans. Yes!  Then one said, do you remember the time you realized you didn't have to live life to the fullest? Yes! I remember it vividly. I was out with friends roaming around downtown and they were about to go another venue. There was a Lifetime movie on that I wanted to watch. And I said, I have to go because my Lifetime movie is on. I didn't look back!

It makes me smile just thinking about it. I'd like to think if there were something especially compelling, I'd leave my house for it. But, meh. Who knows.