Yes, Please Pay Me Less and Other Things

 Had a small cry a few minutes ago.

I haven't felt lonely, definitely alone but I think I'm getting close.

I think that was what led to my poor decision making with the 40 year old. I lost a lot of resolve and desire to "do the right thing" after my aunt died. I was already slipping so it's not entirely that moment, but it was pivotal.

I set up the Wyze cam today. It was both easy and annoying. It was just so hot. Fall revives me. Heat kills my vibe man. But I did it. I think I may need to adjust the angle because ideally i want to see the person walking up but you pretty much just see their head looking down. You really wouldn't be able to identify a face. But I'm happy anyway.

The floor stopper didn't really work but I improvised and laid it flat under the door. That should help close some of the gap I hope. There was fat juicy bug greeting me this morning. It was still alive so my bug spray is not working anymore. I guess next summer I'll try the white bottle of Home Defense. 

The blue spray was making the back of my neck tingle and I only sprayed the outside doorway. So even that little bit was making me feel weird.

That seems little but it took most of the morning.

Went to laundromat since I was already hot and sweaty. I bribed myself by saying just prioritize the bedding. I will have autumn even if it's only in my mind. I could've sworn the weekend was going to be cool but it's only getting hotter!

Goodbye, September!  My numbers are up from 3 months ago but down from August. The robo advisor is down from 3 months ago. I don't know why that thing doesn't mirror the others. 

I think I decided to go to CVS Minute Clinic in October when I get the other test done. I'll just make a day of it since I'll be out anyway.

Just a couple more guys this week on Hinge have asked me to physically go out. So I'm thinking more about getting vaccinated this year instead of 2022. I don't know though because when I broke my rules before, I ended up with heartache. 

I think I just want to wait until things are more normal. I don't want to use the vaccine as a reason to be reckless.  Yeah. 

I don't know what the point of getting the wellness check is anyway. Who wants to know they're sick. I think it'll probably be free anyway so there goes trying to spend my $120 FSA dollars. Decidedly, I'm not doing FSA next year. 

Oh bury the lede. 

Yesterday and the day before was such a whirlwind. Big Job offered to phone screen me. I thought it would be a simple HR screen. It was not! It was still with HR but she asked a lot of in depth questions. It did not go as well as I prepared for.  When she asked about salary expectations, I heard myself asking what the range was. And she gave it to me! It's $160 to 190k. I was floored and automatically felt too big for my britches.  Like the spectrum adjacent gal I am, when she asked again for a number, I said $160....err... to $170k. Facepalm. I already had to talk myself into even asking for $160k so my brain just could not jump to something more reasonable like $170 to $175k. 

I was mad checking email today...well only 2 or 3 times... to see if they wrote back. Nada. It's okay actually.

Other than that, another really great day!

Dating and an HR Screen

 Oh, the news! The Forty Year Old is playing games. Hilar.

Today I feel confident and powerful. He could've asked to hang out today. He didn't. Silly boy. The momentum is definitely gone. Tomorrow is the end of the month and I'll be officially done. I have such  a cheek response if he does try to initiate anything. 

I have to get tested so that's making me nervous because I have to wait 4 weeks for best results but I'm going to try to get it at the 2 week mark just for some piece of mind. Then probably at 4 weeks and 3 months just to be sure. Like the jerk he is, he refused to get tested. That would give me the most piece of mind. 

I might just ask again tomorrow. We'll see. 

It is definitely back in the high 80s this week. Not the beautiful crisp fall air that was giving me life. I'm sweaty and gross again.

Today was still a great day! I got my Wal-Mart delivery pick up and after a lot of hemming and hawing, I finally put together a prep for my phone screen.

Remember that big job I was ballsy enough to apply for. Well they want to screen me. There are already a couple of red flags with the recruiter - namely just the rush. Makes me either think I'm not going to be carefully considered or they're just including me to check off a box. Oh well. 

It felt awesome to be invited to screen!!

And when I took yet another look at my resume it wasn't quite as awful as my Mean Brain had me believe.

So I have that screen this afternoon. I'm actually looking forward to it because I'm not desperate. 

I was in a weird place when I applied. I was missing the call center because it's all I had known for 6 years. But it's been 2 months now and I'm starting to get into my new job. I've been doing some writing exercises the last couple of days, and that was kind of fun. 

I used my brain a little and I liked it. 

No matter what happens, I choose to be happy about being invited to screen. No one can take that from me. I'm curious if my emails to my contact worked or if it was just by chance. Oh well. 

I think because I'm pretty comfortable now, I feel brave enough to ask for a little more. I think the role probably pays $150k but I'm going to ask for $160k. I don't see myself doing it for $140k. I only think $150k is reasonable because it's what the internet led me to believe and I looked at some other senior manager roles on the H1B data site and that seems to align as well. 

That's all for now!

Still Happy! (Includes Some Money Stuff)

 Hello, World! Have I told you how much I love a cool Fall day?!  Well, I do.

I didn't make it to 8a Virtual Yoga because I was enjoying snuggling in my cozy blankets too much. When I did wake up I took a short walk to the end of the neighborhood. I could've walked for hours! 

So many things.

I've been feeling more and more like I should go to get vaccinated and/or go to the doctor to get a jump start on some of my appointments for next year. Side note: as tempting as the HSA is, I think with my increasing ailments, I might just get a regular plan. 

I fell down the stairs this weekend. Got a couple of bumps and scrapes. It was both frightening and freeing. I could have died. And it would've been okay. 

Hinge

This time around on Hinge, I've been less successful. I see the same people and one of my new matches matched with me last time. Haha. I wonder if he even remembers? 

Of the 2 people that have chatted with me, 1 has already brought up sex...twice. Gross. Do I reprimand these men or just unmatch them? It's really hard to say. I think the long text conversations really aren't for me - because of auto-correct, and I think people are saying things on here that they likely wouldn't say in person. And after hearing someone else on the internet say it, I think texts really should be for short communications. I don't want to hear your whole life story on text.  Although I do think if I could free type with my hands and a full keyboard I might change my mind. 

It's also a strange position because I don't really want to get out of the house and meet strange men. I don't want anyone trying to put the moves on. It kind of grosses me out to think about it. 

So there we have it.

I'm trying to untangle myself from the 1st Hinge Date (aka The 40 Year Old). Things have definitely cooled off. I was mad checking my email (because I get the messages sent to email) all weekend. He was pretty predictable. I don't actually think he's that into me because he wasn't putting in that much effort to actually see me again. Then when I cooled off, he was all do you want to hang out? Then I responded and then nothing. *rolls eyes*

In my mind, I very dramatically was going to delete my number to purge him from memory, but so far I've just deleted the texts. 

I know I will get over this because he's not a good guy, it's just annoying that he's occupied so much mental space. But then I think - what else would I be doing. 

It just would've been nice to only have to deal with this one time and be done. Naturally, I do question how this could've gone differently. So I need to really be okay with not coming in hot and heavy. As much as I want an enlightened guy, they really need to feel like they are doing the pursuing even it means 90 days between dates. Lame. 

All the dumb game-playing works. 

Enough about that.

Money Update

So I updated my income and expense spreadsheet yesterday. I stalled a little in investment growth but I'm still shoveling all the money there anyway. 

Quick Update

Expenses YTD: $7.5k (target 15k/year for COVID)

Invested YTD:  $86k (includes 401k as well)

With only 3 months left in the year, I'm actually quite impressed with my expenses! That's with sending $1200 overseas already.  It gives me hope that I could live a simple life on $20k. But also makes me really anxious for big expenses like - house, car, or health. Groan. 

Actually, now that I think about it. This doesn't give a good picture because I didn't have student loans and I didn't pay my mortgage for 4 months. The focus of the COVID budget was more to save and invest as much money as possible while on lockdown. So goal accomplished there!

Other News

I think I'm going to go the laundromat Wednesday. I really need to turn my phone back on (powered off) so I can add things to my Walmart cart. I need to get TP as I'm down to my last roll. It never should have gotten this far. So I figured I should make a Walmart run. Just really need to get to $35. 

I don't feel the urge to stock up like I did last year because I cook less and less, but we shall see.  I can't believe it's about to be October!!

More Rejection and A Fall

 I've been so preoccupied with my own life I didn't even notice the advent of Fall! My favorite season in NC! I was just happy yesterday even on the heels of a fresh rejection.

The bright sun and cool breeze just await to be embraced. All is well. Then I fell down the stairs.

Before that, my biggest struggle of the day was deciding what cold refreshing sweet I wanted- an orange, grapes, or a cold Coke. 

I chose the orange.

I spent the better part of last night and all of this morning fretting over a boy.

Yep the one that has essentially cooled off and all but ghosted me. I don't know what qualifies as a ghosting - 24 hours? 

I'll just make that an official ghosting time frame.

It's funny because the more time that passes between contact the more I plan our life together.

Next I had to turn to the internet.

I have now diagnosed myself with either anxious attachment or fearful avoidant attachment.

I diagnosed him with avoidant attachment at the level of dismissive. Seems about right.

Turns out anxious attachment and avoidant are the worst pair. You don't say!

Even after falling down the stairs and being rejected by a Stranger, I couldn't muster more than a couple tears.

I really wanted to cry to get it all out, but there were no tears.

I took a walk instead.

I want to go everywhere and see everything.

I have to hurry because October means even cooler weather.

What I eventually liked about him:

- I think just seeing his active life 

- The idea of being part of a friend group again

- Being in downtown Raleigh. I parked near a city park and there was a live event happening. Just hearing the hum of other heartbeats. It was more alluring than I thought.

I haven't been able to muster the energy to do these things on my own.

Sometimes as caged as my rules make me, I'm so happy for them. I know I don't have to go out because I'm not really trying to spend any money this year. So it makes it easy that even if I feel bummed that I'm being a bit anti-social, I'm at least accomplishing other goals! 

It doesn't look like the needle moved much this month though despite my scheduled contributions. That's okay. It does tend to make me spendy - but that's how my trusty guardrails protect me once again.

Yes I spent nearly $100 on Amazon last night, but it's money that's already been allocated for Brain.

Yes, y'all! I finally gave in an bought a Wyze Camera for a makeshift doorbell cam. It was awesome.

And today when I went to open the window downstairs, I couldn't. I forgot I had used a tension rod as a window stopper! Yay, safety!

I'd been thinking now and then about moving away from Death House given all the Bugs that also live here and just the general lack of appeal and location of the neighborhood.

But these added security measures have lengthened my stay even if only temporarily. Guardrails, I tell you.

I think what I liked about the 40 Year Old was that I was right about my instincts - something felt off, nearing 'he's not that into you' territory. He'd been pretty straightforward up until then, but inevitably all the humans lie. 

Now I'm just curious to see how this all plays out. Questions for the gallery:

- Do I stay on the app? If so, how long - till end of September or till end of year? (Yes, I rejoined this morning.)

- When do I call it with the Stranger? Tonight at 9:30 (24 hours after my last text)? End of Sept? or End of Year?

- I'm obvi going to delete any trace of him. Do I delete my Google Voice number - end of Sept or end of Year? 

     - End of Sept seems like the cleanest break, but the holidays really do me in so I know there are future mistakes to be made there. And I'm running out of burner numbers. TBD I guess.

Le sigh. At the end of the day, the basic objective of the apps was to provide a distraction. Mission Accomplished.

Do I Even Want a Relationship?

 Of course I bring my struggles with Feelings to the blog. Where else. 

When I was living single, I'd kind of made up my mind to just keep the status quo until the end of the year. I was going to take advantage of COVID. 

Then next year I could decide what I wanted to be different.

Then I just started running out of things to do to occupy my time. 

So I got on the apps thinking if it all went left I could just store it safely in 2021 and move on with 2022.

I'm literally at the prime of my life. I have nothing but time and resources at this venture. My muscles are atrophying.

Everyone else around me has progressed socially, but what am I doing. 

I started thinking of rules for dating on the apps if I rejoined. Yes, since we last spoke I deleted ALL the apps. Even Hinge! 

My first thought was - just in case The 40 Year Old texts me I can say oh I didn't unmatch you in a fit of frustration, I just deleted all the apps. And it would be true.

My second thought was - I feared I might get a little reckless with the guys on there in trying to soothe my hurt feelings. 

An hour later I went to Food Lion for junk food to emotionally eat. And thought, just get back on the apps with new rules. I went in there not really knowing what to expect. 

I don't function best there so I had all my walls up and was just unprepared for battle.

I have to accept that I might actually have to leave the house. There's just so much maintenance involved in actively dating. 

I don't actually want to get my hair done or even shower. I didn't unpack any real clothes since I moved in. Just house clothes. I fully committed to a Life More Ordinary when I moved into Death house. That was just my reality in 2020. I hadn't gone out in 5 years other than to work.

When I got a taste of the 40 Year Old's life - I wanted it. He worked. He went out. He played tennis in a tennis club. He had places to be and people to see. And his parents died (which made me think - hey, we could be family!). 

I don't want to think about this anymore. I hope he texts me.