Bad Dates are Not Good Experiences

 Bad dates are not good experiences is what has been on my mind, but I really have little else to say about it. Same old song and dance for me. I generally do not subscribe to the school of thought that you have to make your own mistakes. I don't think any of the lessons learned from bad dates are particularly useful unless you find yourself on another bad date.

Suffice to say, I've had additional interactions with strange men on the internet via dating apps. None have ended in my long lost love. Shocker.

Without calling time of death, I think my time on the apps is mentally ended. I think I will officially delete the adulting apps by next Wednesday. Currently, the plan is to keep the regular dating app until end of year. Who knows why anymore? A good three month trial? 

I can't make up my mind on which state I want to search in - NC, DC, or WA. So I keep switching. I think after a month of bad "dates" (mostly virtual) in NC, I was kind of done. Then I thought about where I might find the profile of the guy I'm looking for - smart, successful, nerd with low beauty expectations. Seattle! There's techy guys there, right? I feel like they'd be more likely to use a dating app, right? Logical, simple? They might be more likely to take it slow right... being nerdy and introverted right? 

I did initially get a lot of matches, much like when I first joined in my area, but after learning I was out of state, the conversations didn't last long.

So I vacillated between DC and NC. Meh. 

Some things I'm learning:

 - I still prefer Hinge because I can choose my location and it has a video and audio call feature which means I never have to give my phone number and can push for a virtual date as opposed to meeting in person

- I have learned to trust my red flags. I want to say I'm a good judge of character, but I'm really not. I just have a lot of alarm bells. And so far, no one has proven me wrong in real life. It's more likely, that I'll think someone is nice and they turn out to be evil than the other way around. I've never met someone I thought was terrible and I turned out to be wrong.  

- But like a dumb NiceGirl, I have tended to want to give people 100th chances (not just 2). That has to stop. I need to figure out what my dating Persona is. It can't be Corporate NiceGirl where everyone is amazing, but it can't be feisty girl either where everything is verbally criticized. No one likes that girl. There are honestly more things that are palatable after you get to know someone than when you first meet them. No one wants to peel the onion or crack a hard shell. Myself included.

- I think I went into online dating with no boundaries or sense of online-self. As a result, I kept crafting it and questioning myself as I went along. I just had been blissfully unaware of the predators. I know, you'd think a true crime tv watcher like myself would know better. Ha! There's your warning ladies, degrees don't protect you from predators. They can smell your loneliness and vulnerability before you even meet them. An online dating app is the perfect hunting ground for women with their guard slightly down. Because there are no rules! And no real accountability!!

- So we know why I've been unsuccessful - I am out of my depth in a playing ground with no rules!!

Other lessons learned. 

I decided my ideal (read: realistic) age for a mate was 52. They've just crossed 50s so there might be the same sense of desperation as a single woman nearing 40.

However, one of the things I learned from watching Married at First Sight is so think about what other traits your "ideal prototype" might also have. For example - a conservative man might want a more traditional wife, etc. A successful man might not prioritize a relationship.

What I'm finding in my small sample of men over 50 is:

- They're divorced (so I'm always curious about their divorce story; the good thing is they are better trained; but that also means you weren't their first love; and they just might be slightly more hateful and guarded)

- Usually have kids (if they don't, I almost question it)

- They suddenly have this burst of energy (so that means you are their next adventure and they likely don't want a homebody like myself)

- If they're single and dating a woman in her 30s... again they are looking to live a life with more adventure (while exciting, what the heck were you doing in your 20s to 40s; when I reflect, I've kinda done my traveling, and I am looking to nest and coast to death, even if that means no kids. I don't see myself wanting to take more than 1 or 2 big adventure trips a year, sorry!)

But the thing is, it's really so hard to know what you will want 6 months or 6 years from now. 6 years ago you couldn't have paid me to work or visit the area I live in now, and here we are. 

- Some seem to still place a high value on looks (this actually is contrary to why I would want to be with an older guy; I wanted to go low effort on physical appearance) 

- They tend to hate women (they've had enough bad experiences, that they're a bit jaded, so to me it's almost scary... like when will their hatefulness come to light)

- If they date outside their race, they ONLY date outside their race now, after their divorce or bad break up  ( I find it very odd. The issue of race inevitably comes up and I haven't found one conversation about it that didn't make me squirmy)

Something about men my age doesn't appeal to me. I think I just view them as all being like my Racist Friend or my brother (aka irresponsible and difficult to reason with). 

So like all failed online dating app users, I'm looking for my unicorn:

- Age 47+

- Smart

- Financially Successful

- College educated

- DOES NOT HATE WOMEN

- Never married, no kids

- Dates women of all races

Given the prospects of finding this unicorn, most of these things are negotiable, but it's easy to forget that when you're online and the possibilities falsely seem endless.  Mostly I just want someone nice who wants to be my boyfriend. 

Also I didn't realize thanksgiving was next week. So much for having a holiday boyfriend! Sigh, I think that's why mentally this has been moved off my plate.

One thing that has worked and I hope to keep up throughout the season... keeping devices outside of the bedroom. As we saw last year, because of the cool weather, I tend to prefer spending as much time as possible under the covers. It's heavenly. I also got into the habit of just clicking around on the apps or on the internet as soon as I woke up or the show I was watching got boring.

But I don't like that anymore. I need to detach and basically ramp down  any hope of finding someone by the end of the year. 

Work

The elephant in the room. I just wish my work was something I was faster and better at. I wish it were something that sure I put off, but could knock it out in 2 good hours of work. But for whatever reason, I just try to pretend it's not happening. 

Other than that, wow! This year seemed tough and I made so many mental plans to get out of it as soon as possible. Yet, it now feels like it's careening to the end and I'm feeling a little lost.

I think earlier in the year when I was indescribably unhappy and stressed, I was at times sure December was the end date to look forward to. And I would just stay for the March 2022 bonus payout and find my way out of here. Then realistically, this got pushed to July 2022 so I could save 1 year's FIRE expenses in cash. 

I had to look at some old notes because all I had in my mind was that I was out of here by March 2022. But July 2022 pretty much seems like a year away. The implications of that is that it'll be harder to skate by without doing much work for another 7-8 months, so I might actually have to learn this job.

I have to be honest, I have thought about going back to call center work - either with my current company or with another. 

So yeah, I've been all over the place.

Ruminating thoughts

- So I guess, I really am never going to fall in love or know what it's like to be in a relationship (is that so bad, that's pretty much half of my aunts and uncles; I think that's why I just wanted something casual and fun but then it felt like I was selling myself short... can you be casual and fun and still in love.. I don't want to do marriage-work... I don't necessarily want to build anything... I just want something safe, casual, and fun for a little companionship outside of work and alone time)

- How do I do this job?

- Do I want another job (not really)

- What the heck happens next?

- Do I want to move? Is my neighborhood worse than I let myself believe? How safe do I feel here?

- What the heck happens next??? (Yes, this is on here multiple times)

- What do I do now?

In This Moment, I Am Happy

 I just wanted to document a happy moment. I spent so many moments on the blog dumping out my anxiety. I'm sitting in my warm comfy bed after a day of PTO with my windows open. The night air is cool. It was sunny and warm today.

I woke up at 4:30a at a hotel on the beach with my relatives. I drove back to NC without incident. Listened to my CD player. I got gas at a random gas station (also without incident) at around 5a. I had money for gas. I had a car to put the gas in. I had legs and arms and eyes (with help of glasses) to do the actual task of filling my tank (and driving). 

I didn't have to take any meds or get assistance. I'm sure there's not 37 more years left that I'll be able to write this exact same post (but maybe).

I came home and far as I can tell, my house is still in tact. 

I parked my car that I own in front of the house that is still standing that I mortgage.

I took a warm shower. Wrapped in a clean towel. Put on some mildly priced lavendar lotion. Put on my warm robe and climbed into bed. 

On the way home from the beach, I stopped and bought bacon just because I wanted some.

I made scrambled eggs and baked bacon. I climbed back into my bed. Watched the latest episodes of Big Brother using a subscription to Paramount Plus that I treated myself to at the beginning of my vacation. 

It's been a spendy 4th quarter since October and this vacation week continued the trend. But it's okay. That's a problem for another day.

When I got hungry during the afternoon, I ordered 2 dishes from my new favorite African food restaurant. One was a dish I'd starred so  I could remember to try. 

It was tasty!

On the way home, I bought some more yummy staples to complement the second dish. I put one of the frozen items in the stand up freezer I bought last year because of the pandemic as a convenience item. 

I also bought chocolates on the second trip to the grocery store. I just ate a truffle before sitting down to type up this blog post.

I love a cool evening after a sunny day! 

This is my kind of Fall Weather.

So yes, today, in this moment, I am happy. My stomach is full. I am adequately housed and the temperature is just so. 

Money made almost everything today possible. (But so did love and support of my family and humans in general in all the days before. )

That is all. 

Feelings

 This weather is really bringing me down. I got up after 8a today because it was so dark and cold. Remember in summer when it was hard to stay asleep after 6a when the sun was beckoning me awake.

They say you don't need more sleep just because it's dark, but can someone tell my body that.  Can't we just move with nature. 

Feelings

- Co-worker being disagreeable makes me wonder if we are friends? Do we even get along? What do we have in common? 

- Co-worker making $10k more than me. Makes me feel like why do I even try? Her degree cost less than mine. 

- Racist Friend didn't call me back. How dare he? Why won't you love me? (Duh, he's a racist friend, dumb-dumb)

- Work is hard. Ugh, should I just quit? 

- No long lost love on the apps. Should I just give up now?

- What the heck is my budget for next year? Am I really quitting? If so when? 

- Weird creepy dream. Should I get off Ashley Madison app. Too many x-rated thoughts. 

- Seems like I'll "just" get to $450k this year. Is that now my FIRE number? When do I quit?

- What exactly is the plan here? 

- Do I give up on people? (Is there really any more to give up on?)

- Again, what exactly is the plan here?

That's the thing with feelings. Fighting them is hard. Giving into them is confusing because once the strong feelings dissipate, then what?

- Is this job too hard and mentally taxing? Should I find another job? Do I need another job? 

- Am I really ready to FIRE? Is anything ever as climactic as you think it would be? 

I think I want to FIRE by choice not circumstance or bad feelings. Is that too much to ask?

- Are these sad feelings weather-related or app-related. Should I get off the apps now or wait till end of year? Am I benefitting from being on the apps or just frustrated and rejected?

- What is next for me? 

Part of me is just inclined to ride this wave until the next speed bump. If the Dinosaur can hang on for 20 years, can I? How good do I actually have to be at this job? And how long is it supposed to take? 

I need some new goals, objectives, and direction. 

We All Need a Little Tenderness...

 ...how can love survive. I'm reminded of the song, The Heart of the Matter, the India Arie cover. 

I already knew these feelings would be abundant this time of the year. I don't know if it's the cozy cold weather or the holidays and their holiday feels but I am in the thick of it. I literally only want to love, be loved, and be in love.

Luckily, they should pass by the end of the year when I'm faced with just another blustery dry winter. 

I can't seem to get into work. Did I mention how much I don't like writing for money. Even though I'm a technical writer, there is still a mindset I have to get into in order to write. Waking up at 8a on a chilly Fall morning is not that mindset. 

All I want to do is make some hot food and get back in bed. Maybe watch a movie. And snuggle and fall in love!

I feel 12.

Ugh, Feelings, why you do me so dirty. 

Well, I slimmed down my apps after my minor internal meltdown this weekend.

I'm down to

2 Adulting sites

-Seeking Arrangement

-Ashley Madison

Both of which I've picked new locales for.

Slim pickings and slim interests.

Part of me is still hoping to re-connect with my Old Online Lover but alas I think he has ghosted/dumped me / moved on. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.

And then 2 regular dating apps

Coffee Meets Bagel - A bunch of African guys are messaging me

Hinge - I switched cities to DC - more black guys. 

I'll say it because where, if not the internet, can you spew your darkest thoughts as though it won't be recorded forever to haunt you right when you are about to accomplish your dreams. Luckily, for me, I have no dreams except the one left conjured up by Mean Brain.

On the Adulting apps, I think the taboo nature of it makes it exciting. One of the Normals on there actually admitted this was part of the appeal. Spelling out your wildest fantasies. It's a fantasy world. Honestly to me, it's things I feel people should be able to tell their partners. I'd like to think, if I had a loving partner, I'd be able to share and do those things with that person. I compartmentalize pretty well. But it must be this impossible task because the app has like millions of users. 

Anyway, same with dating outside your race.

Something about it seems exciting. Guys that look like me are generally attracted to me and if I just wanted to be married, it would have happened by now.

But crossing race lines even in 2021 is still exciting to me. Maybe because it's a bit taboo and doesn't really happen often to girls that look like me. I also think it makes it feel special somehow. You know I love love. I love romance. I want to feel special. It's actually a turn off when the guy tells me he has dated outside his race before. I'm like ugh... so I'm just like the others. 

I want to be someone's first something. 

Like dating someone with kids or an ex-wife. I'm just not that into it. At least not by choice. 

Again, if I had a friendly co-worker I got to know, things would be different, but when you're on the apps, we all want that elusive thing it feels like.

So yeah, I think there's also something alluring about dating someone in the culture of power who is willing to be softened by love. That is magnetizing to me. 

It's like the love story of all time. 

I mean it's how all the great love stories were written. A little taboo. A little danger. A little clash of classes. A little breaking of the rules. I want that. 

I want a rich white man to dote on me and only have eyes for me. There, I said it. That's my fantasy. 

But this is reality. 

So like the 40 years before me, I'll enter the next year alone and wanting. 

But luckily, I don't have forty years left to go. Phew.  

Is She A Baddie Though?

 On the apps again!

I am feeling all the feelings. I literally want to call everyone I've ever met and ask them what's up! So I guess the apps are a fine substitute. But the impatience beast rears up which means when I don't get any bites, I'm either joining new apps or changing my location.

Some fun notes about Ashley Madison

We all know when I first joined in NC, it was a lot of fun. I met a lot of people and had a lot of interactions. That's what led to me thinking I could be a sugar baby. Super fail. 

So I changed my location to Houston. Minimal hits.

Then I tried Bay Area, CA. More fun, more respectable. 

Then LA. Almost nothing. 

I think right now I'm back on the East Coast. 

As of this writing, my 3 regulars have all but dropped me.

My Online Love - has completely gone No Contact.

The Australian Oldie - 1 message since I've been back. (Um I was politely removed by AM administrators for "soliciting," i.e. I said gift me on CashApp.)

The 3rd - was hot and heavy over the weekend, then just small talk the last couple of days. I guess that's the work week.

Seeking Arrangement / What's Your Price

After only 1 bid on WYP, I deleted my profile. I actually forgot my log-in information so had to log-out and then request password to log back in to request deletion. Fun.

I want to delete my Seeking Arrangement profile because I've only had like 3 hits other than pic requests. But I've changed my cities from NC, to CA, (TX?), Atlanta... I don't even remember where I am right now. Two reasons - I don't want people on regular dating apps to see me and my lies (1 already did) and I want to see what else is out there. So far, that's going nowhere. I should just delete it but I don't know what's stopping me. Because duh- how cool would that be!!

Oh speaking of sugaring, I've tried to convert a couple people from Ashley Madison into some sort of arrangement and have been flat out denied. Super fail.

Turns out Adulting for Money was much harder than I thought. It almost became like a job (which I hate). But somehow, the denials are feuling my fire - like now this is a puzzle I have to solve! So we'll see.

The Other Apps

After saying I was only focusing on trying to be a Sugar Baby, I got rid of the regular dating apps. But after a couple days of nothing and minimal attention on the sugar sites, I gave in. I rejoined the regulat dating app world with vigor. I joined:

Hinge (for the 8th time haha)

Coffee Meets Bagel

E-Harmony

Match

I thought there were more.??

Hinge by far has the best looking dudes. But unlike the first couple times I joined, no hits so far. I changed cities this morning to the Bay Area. I feel like although I live in the Southeast, I'm pretty open to moving. But then when I think about it too long, I'm kind of not. The whole thing is just so moody for me. I'm inconsistent with what my goals are. But how can you be consistent on an experience that's entirely based on feelings. 

Sometimes I feel like talking to people, and sometimes I don't. 

Like me, everyone thinks they can do better. I think there are definitely people on there who if I were friends with first could easily progress into a romantic relationship. However on the apps, it's kind of like why bother when there's a chance I might find exactly what I want. Ha! The chance is minimal, sweetheart (barf, I realize I hate when strange men call me pet names). 

I think my most basic goal is to distract myself from all the holiday feels! But in the process, have to be careful not to fall down a negative spiral from all the rejection.  I feel both distracted and alone. Because why am I at #almost40 looking to strangers on the internet to keep me company. Tragic.  Or maybe not. I could be just as alone sitting on the couch with no strangers on the internet to keep me company. So I choose the first one.

The other issue is - do I treat it like a job interview...where I play NiceGirl (TM) or be myself where I say hateful things and reveal my true personality. I think for the cute ones, play Nice and see where it goes. For the others, be candid. Might as well get it out now. I hate to be rejected  while playing a character. 

I kind of want to delete Match and E-Harmony because their paywall kind of ruins the fun. And surprisingly even after a couple days (albeit a Sunday and Monday), I've gotten zero interst on e-harmony! Shocker!!

What do I even want? I want some smooches! I want some romance! I want to get out of the Never Been Kissed pool. What's it like to be kissed by someone you love?! (Or even like!)

Then I wake up and it's cold outside and I think the last thing I want to do is leave this house. Then it gets dark between 6 and 7p and I think the last thing I want to do is leave this house.

Does this exercise require a little bit of brainstorming, focus, and purpose. Or should I keep letting feelings dictate my actions??

Oh and then there's work. Ugh. I don't know what I'm doing which makes me want to quit work. No surprises there. I'm almost scared. FIRE is not quite the furthest thing from my mind as my actual deliverable (and the apps) is taking up a lot of my mental space, but what exactly happens next.

Somehow with all my guardrails and goals, I still feel lost. 

What exactly happens next?

I remember I don't like writing for money, so how did I end up in a writing job??

If I somehow get good at this job - do I stay?

If I somehow suck at this job - when do I leave? 

I had kind of resigned myself to enjoying the rest of 2021 because I thought my project was delayed so I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get motivated to do a hard job. Grrr.

Account balances have stalled. I was hoping to be a little closer to my FIRE goal by year's end, but since September, it looks like it might be a close call. 

Oh I finally got my first vaccine shot! I'm glad I did it when I did because I literally feel like doing nothing for the rest of the year. 

This is the period of the year where I reflect the most. How can you not when the year is ending. We think in years. I used to think in academic years, and sometimes I still do. But when I look back on this year and the remainder of it, it's been such a ride. 

It's still a push to make it to the end of the year but for different reasons.