Vacation Day 4 - Mistakes were made

 Grrr... you know the report I dumbly ran on Sunday when I was supposed to be off. I goofed it! 

I did test it before sending but I could've done better. If it were someone else, I would definitely be mentally finger pointing.

Here are all the things I could've done differently:

- Not done it at all since it wasn't my responsibility

- Worked smarter, not harder - by copying the previous template exactly as is instead of trying to customize it to make it "better"

- Tested it with just our team as brain was alerting me to until I was sure it was right (vs sending it to vendor)

- After the first couple results, I noticed the numbers looked a little low, but I was supposedly on "vacation" so didn't look into it further...so why did I bother checking if I wasn't going to act?

- I knew the metric my boss was most interested in so I should've made sure that was right!

This is why I'd wanted to take time off- these little mistakes because I'm juggling too much. Super FAIL. Ugh.

Vacation Day 4 is completely out the door now.  Groan. 

How do I return to the quality of work I'm used to -where it would take me 8 hours to get a report absolutely perfect?!

Vacation Day 3- Evening

 It's 7p, and I probably did 1-3 hours of work today. Groan. 

What exactly was my purpose of checking my email? I am not a top level decision maker, and I didn't have nearly as much email as I thought I would need to sift through. 

Ugh, sensitive high achiever. 

I ran a report for my boss. And there was an inconsistency in one of the Knowledge articles, so I, being a sensitive high achiever, took it upon myself to look at all the related documents for inconsistency. That took me down a rabbit hole of frustration and mental finger pointing. 

I mentally pointed a finger at the lady I asked to make the updates. And the lady who was supposed to keep the articles updated. And the lady who is so quick to make her snide comments but when time to take the initiative, she waits for the agents to point out mistakes. I just realized why that comment rubbed me the wrong way - it's reactive, not proactive or pre-emptive. Not how I roll. I just feel like it's the plank vs dust scenario.  Then there's the vendor who for whatever reason, her feedback rubs me the wrong way. I take it personally because the articles were a mess before I got there, but her little jabs feel like they're pointed at me. When really, ugh... it's been 2 years, no one noticed? Like obviously the agents weren't using these documents and still don't so who are you making these requests for?

Anyways a lot of thoughts and feeling there I had to get out. So that took longer than it needed because it just highlighted some internal structure issues. Groan.

Le sigh. Can I make it 2 days without checking work email and completely disengaging? 

How do I disconnect. How do I take time off from work and truly rest and relax and rejuvenate?

Today I kept the computer on the stairs. I didn't turn on the iPad though - eventhough I wanted to see if my boss texted me. 

So if I make today the last day of checking work email - that'll be thurs, friday, and sat and sun.....so really 2 business days and 2 silly-days because there really is no email on sat and sun I just usually do menial tasks. 

I already know there's something on the weekend I want to do or at least pretend to send as though I worked on it on the weekend. 

I already started a to-do list for next week. 

So what to do...

Vacation Day 3, 11a

 Hello! It's Wednesday. I first woke up around 6a for a bio break.  I refused to activate my brain so I lay back in bed until I fell back asleep. I awoke a little after 9a with a hunkering to check work email.

I did. No real fires or aggravation so I was able to log-off pretty quickly.  Then I checked on an article that I wanted to reference before turning in my Writing Exercise. I thought I'd have to request it but a second google search later, I was able to find the full pdf. I feel good about one of my answers but am still a little unsure about another. So I basically just stared at it for the last 2 hours. Mind you, it's 2 sentences.  #sensitivehighachiever

The work smarter, not harder approach is obviously a long game, ongoing area of improvement for me. 

Without getting too excited or ahead of myself, I can't stress how much of a different experience this writing test was vs the one for med info manager. A lot of it has to do with me not sticking up for myself for things with which I'm unfamiliar. 

Don't dwell. 

It's raining so that's good for a few reasons. I didn't really feel like opening the windows. No pressure to go outside, and I don't have to feel bad for not trying to go to the beach - this last weekend being the official start of summer and all.

I had some negative feelings this morning  - namely around my brother. I've been feeling guilty that I'm not supporting my family overseas that much. I've only mentally committed to sending over $1200/year and then I read another blogger who sends $1500/mon along with his brothers. That's really what my family could use as well. I had negative feelings because my brother is older and has been working longer and is just as capable of helping out but of course due to society..

a) he feels no pressure or guilt

b) and is completely comfortable doing nothing to help

Then it makes me feel bad that this is how I was with my aunt - waiting for other people to help. But I also hate other people benefiting from all the guilt and regret I feel about how I treated her because it does nothing to change the past.  But yeah, maybe instead of waiting for my brother, I'll start contributing the $500/mon.

If I use my aunt's leftover "pension" money for that, that definitely takes me much farther away from my FIRE goal. I started off not counting that money in my FIRE goal, but I got so desperate to reach the finish line, that I started counting it. 

Ugh, I really wanted to make this year, my lowest spend year yet. Oh well. 

The other thing that's giving me pause is the mortgage forbearance. I applied for it with my mortgage company starting June 1. There were a lot of alarm bells, but I ignored them all. My biggest concern is if the govt audits the program in a couple years, I may not be able to prove financial hardship. But there is some genuine concern about my job sich. I mean the job I was hired to do is effectively eliminated but how do I prove that? 

Will whatever the penalty be in x years be worth saving $500/mon. NO. 

Why do I know a decision is questionable and I still move forward. Well, because sometimes my trusty gut is wrong. Or maybe my guardian angels catch me more times than I know. Probably the latter.

Like I know something funky is going on with my tooth that has now developed some heat sensitivity (like what happened right before I had to get root canal treatment), but am I taking better care of my teeth. Nope. 

I'm hoping future me does a better job of listening to warning bells and doing the right thing more of the time. 

Honestly, this mortgage forbearance thing doesn't even seem worth the hassle. I go back and forth because technically it's not free money, I'm just delaying mortgage payments. 

Vacation Day 2 - Evening

 So I mostly just came on here because I wanted someone to talk to. Today was a pretty okay day. I can't believe it's June. 

Until the evening, I watched Little People, Big World. After 5p, I switched to Worst Cooks in America. Even though I checked my email about 10 times, there weren't actually that many emails for me. Not sure if today was just a slow day or if things were intentionally kept out of my inbox. 

The recruiter for the Medical Writer job contacted me and I got a little excited. I already like this assessment more than the one for the Med Info Mgr job. 

It gave me something to work on and it's not due for 1 week!! That's way less stressful and manageable than the 1 hour turn around for the Med Info Mgr job. 

My gold tooth is tingling. Something is on the horizon. Ugh. 

Back on the writing exercise, I got stuck on the first question but I think I'm not as panicked as I would be since I was pretty open that I had no experience so I don't have to "fake it till I make it."

I really hope they can give me feedback on the writing exercise before I'm forced to apply. This way I don't have to apply for a job I won't get. 

Anyway, that's pretty much it on the mental gymnastics front.

I made some donuts out of frozen Mrs. Rhodes dough. Whoops, kind of ate all six in one sitting. Which is strange because I would never eat 6 rolls in one sitting. 

I didn't have quite the freezer full of food I thought, so I'm thinking of doing a snack run tomorrow. I want some fruit or juice or something. What's really in my freezer are staples - frozen veggies and seafood. 

I did one load of dishes, so that's a little win for me. 

Also one of the reports I ran this weekend executed as expected, so that's another win. 

It was weird not talking to my boss all day. Oh well. I did cheat myself out of off time by reading chats and emails for the day. Oh well again. 

3 more weekdays left! I didn't venture to the beach today because it wasn't supposed to be much higher than 70 degrees on the coast.

I think I'll turn in the writing exercise on Thursday sometime and also go ahead and schedule my free consultation with the financial advisor recommended by my co-worker.

Ok, not much really to say. 

Vacation Day 2 - Under Guise As a Sensitive High Achiever

 My latest millennial label is a sesnsitive High Achiever - always on, always want to follow-up on every single task regardless of importance, a little impostor syndrome, reliable, meets deadlines, driven and tirelessly committed.

On the other hand, the internet also says this of highly sensitive people - they have more active mental circuitry and neurochemicals in areas related to attention, action-planning, decision-making, and having strong internal experiences. In other words, you have a deep capacity to channel your focus with precision, make thoughtful choices, and spark rich insights to bring great ideas to the table.

I like the second version of myself better. 

Anyway like a maniac, I was checking my email since Friday night - which led to the 2 emails and reports I ran on Sunday. 

I knew shutting off everything cold turkey wouldn't work, so I put my work iPad on Downtime (which made me have to go through a manual step to check email, Teams, and other telecomm apps). And I didn't shut my laptop off. 

I know I soon as I put limits on things, I immediately want to do it. 

But I may try shutting off the laptop today. And just allow myself to check it a couple times a day.

I've already turned off the iPad this morning - after checking it 4 times before 11a.

Maybe if I start the day blogging, it will help scratch some of the itch.

I think part of it ..a big part is- what is the alternative... 20 hours of TV a day? 

I checked email and Teams this morning and there were already aggravating messages on there. Which led me down a spiral of - didn't I already tell you that? Does this reflect poorly on me? 

Ugh. When I remind myself that for every 100 events, my ability to impact change was 1 out of 100, I feel ineffective. But I don't love that mindset because that just means I have to try 200 times to get twice the impact. Wrong. 

Ugh. I don't necessarily need to make a difference, but if I'm working more than the 40 hours/wk, it needs to be for something. What do I have to show for it? Is anyone keeping track of my small victories? My small wins? The small things I catch? Especially if I'm not a natural self-promoter?

I would like to reframe my approach to work. How do I not try to overachieve without trying to make a point? It is a wiseman's game to do the work you get paid for. I mean what really is the pot at the end of this overachievement rainbow. 

Every now and then, you are noticed and acknowledged for your work. Do I want a promotion? Do I want a raise? Well, duh, yes I want a raise. 

I just feel like the thing I have to offer the company that everyone doesn't have is time! That's my strongest asset at this point. But how do I churn that for income?

I'm feeling a bit unlucky... my colleague - grossed $142k last year from our company. Plus 9k of company match. That's $150k on a base salary of ~$110k. She's the person I've been comparing 401k returns with this last week or so. I'm just astonished with how much "free money" passed through her hands in 2020.  But what do you have to show for it?

I think I felt a little jealousy(?)...what's the word when things seem imbalanced. She admitted to maybe doing 3-4 months of work last year.  She got mortgage forbearance for 6 months on a 2.5k/month mortgage. No student loan payments. Child support of about $18k. I think for me, NOT keeping in mind that personal finance is personal....I'm like... how did $80-100k of disposable income slip through your hands last year. What does she have to show for it? From a personal finance standpoint...well to be clear from MY personal finance standpoint... what do you have to show for it? 

I think it's one of those things - where I feel like I'm kinda aggressively saving and still ending up in the same place and she will be much farther ahead in 30 years because she's going to keep working in a cushy job. 

How do you benefit from other people's experiences without some negative feelings? It just feels a bit... unfair? Life's not fair, buttercup. Suck it up! 

I think that's why I just focus on singular goals. Laser focused because having to account for all these variables just messes up with my journey. 

Anyway, that took a tangent, but that's what's on my mind. 

Where do I get to the kindness part of my life. I'm trying and it is like this fun game. How much crap can I take from people and still say nothing and be kind. 

How do I take a break and still come back and do a good job?

I think I just need to try to enjoy the summer. June, July, August. I think Sept will be the beginning of the post-COVID era. Not Jan 2022 as I'd hoped. 

More musings...

I think at some point I thought I couldn't do the AD job that my boss had before her recent promotion. I think I could. I have more experience and good ideas than I thought. I think I could take it on. It would be a steep curve, but I think I'd be able to coast by 2 years. I understand more than I thought and I think the margin for error is larger than I thought - well for a white man. But I think I COULD do it. I definitely don't enjoy vendor management though. 

My areas of improvement continue to be-

- not calling people out, but also not thinking about it

- eventhough I don't point fingers...in my mind I do!!

- this ship has so many moving parts and I really can't do everything myself and when you delegate stuff to other people.. they are not going to do it well... right now, I trust maybe 2 people including my manager to do what I ask them to do sucessfully..

... and so it's a lot of follow-up

I think this 2 year run-up to my next FI goal, just is making me think more seriously about other aspects of my life.

I think I'm hoping, I'll naturally want to be physically active because I'll have nothing else to do. I certainly never thought I'd be the girl to work nights and weekends and not get paid for it or have no impact. But I can't seem to help myself. 

Maybe as miserable as staying in bed and feeling my muscles atrophy is...I feel like when things need to happen, I hope my mind and body will not betray me. 

I just want to believe there's a natural evolution of priorities. No?