I give myself permission to quit and leave money on the table

 I spent so much of my FIRE journey trying to optimize my finances - make more, spend less; invest.

I did it to the best of my ability.

I excitedly made my next 2 year plan knowing how nothing at all happened with my last 1 year plan; but i made it anyway.

it's not working out and it's taking me for a loop

I've been holding out for one more payday, one more bonus day; if i quit now, i leave 50k net on the table. that's a lot of money.

but i know from watching other people's returns (thank you internet strangers); that my money will grow...

so yeah when the widget shop continues to take my joy away...i give myself permission to quit - to leave 50k on the table...

because...

because I've come too far to willingly allow these negative feelings to permeate my life when I can do something about it; to feel stuck; to feel trapped; to feel like i have to lay down and take it...

i mean i will someday....

but i've earned my freedom today, in this instance

i'm free

it's been going on since april; and let's be honest, i could've rage quit any of those instances...it's been confusing; i've cried...for 2 days; i've upped my meds...i'm going to be taking freaking prozac!

my mental health is worth more than 50k...i've done so much work to not be sad and to not want to end my life...

it's not worth it...

why do we negotiate with pain...i don't get it...

is this idea of sucking it up outdated...

i remember how swiftly my one doc said why re-start a drug that you know already causes you pain...i wonder that too doc...

it's cuz it's how we are all raised... sometimes there's a little pain...and we don't have a good guage of when is enough or not needed at all..

i'll get to 1m with or without bonus day 2025.......i am confident i will...

so what next...

i'm still going to try to work the plan unless it causes me too much distress waiting...and wondering...

i want to do nothing else for call center 3

right now i am hoping to stay at call center 4 ...until my trip in march...just for the dust to settle, for the calendar year to end...and to get my bearings once again..

i've just made so many money goals and plans for 2024, i've lost track of what i was trying to achieve...

as long as call center 4 is bearable...i will plan to be gone by february...

i'm just not ready in this moment to completely cut ties with my income stream

i have not even come up with my withdrawal strategy or where all that money is coming from...remember all my numbers including my fire year 1 and 2 cash stash is based on 20k...and i just don't have it in me to save up 80k...sorry i don't....

I'm going to be okay!

 well i have to hand it to my managers for making my exit from the workforce feeling well-deserved. thank you!

some of the negative feelings are starting to subside as i find my way through..

duh...i suffer from mental illness to the tune of expensive therapy and lots of meds...

so i am deciding to move forward with an FMLA request...

thanks to the internet...it seems easy...i won't fully relax until it's approved but here we are...

i did a thing! 

i tried for the desirable achievable outcomes - trying to get a secondment; another job with the company, and i landed here...

and that's okay too

this is the next achievable action item on my list...

i am the CEO of my own enterprise that is my life...

they are leveraging their skills...and I am leveraging mine...

i got stuck very briefly in the comparison game...why are other people so much better than this than i am...then i look at my bank balance...and realize my skillset lies elsewhere...

there are a couple funds, i'm still unsure what to do with but the for the most part...

i'm good...

i reached the 90% mark and I AM BEYOND THRILLED.

A new surge of empowerment has overcome me!

i can quit..i've always been able to...

so i'm just toying around with different quit dates...

it's mildly fun for now...just planning...but i'm hoping not to drive myself too crazy!

90% of goal and what a difference a day makes!

 I did not sleep well last night thinking about meeting with boss. But i had no reason to worry. It was the normal checklist of things. so, phew, this is tolerable. 

TL;DR- I am so incredibly grateful i had the last 4 years to fail upward. how, can this poor, immigrant, person of color manage to slip under the radar. i thought it only happened to entitled rich white boys. 

but no! I actually got lucky!

The last 4 years allowed me to turbo charge my finances in a way i never dared imagine. I really wish my brain would focus on that instead of how unjust i feel right now.

I am lucky!

i can say it when i have these moments of lucidity.

So what happened...in the meeting with my boss i realized i don't actually want to do this work nor am i very good at it. and i just don't want to get that good at it. it's been 3 years and i just never got into it. i just wanted to work remotely and be an AD.

accomplished!

it's affording me such a good life, but the gravy train is over.

i was assigned potentially 3 tasks that have yet to be confirmed.

i realized i really don't know how to the 3rd one and it was painstaking when i shadowed someone else to do it. and i don't want to do it.

this was a decision i made at that time, so i'm glad i had that data objectively. 

the other 2 i can do because the lift is small.

so i found a little bit of joy in realizing...i don't have to. this feels like the power of F/U money. Before, i think the difference was i think the choice was being taken out of my hands.

it DEFINITELY helps that i reached such a significant milestone to put some wind in my sails and some fortification in my conviction.

I WILL reach my financial goal. And mostly just need to stay employed to manage my daily expenses until I do.

strangely, having just bonus nachos feels precarious even with the huge safety net.

feelings are weird.

so yes, friends, the corporate world and I just never meshed.

we tried really hard.

i'm good enough at being a phone agent. and that's pretty much it. 

it's not a referendum on my entire character just a fact that i'm not great at everything.

work has always been a struggle. kind of soul-sucking.

i'm glad i found a way out.

so basically, here's the new update.

if i only have to do an update for task 1 or 2, i don't mind staying longer.

if i have to do a full write of task 3, i will resign.

it's good i already was planning for leaving.

i need to get some electronics.

i am happy that with this new data, i can move forward in a more empowered way.

my journey stops here, but luckily past me was getting us ready for this. 

so i think of all the people that want to be artists and slackers...i get you. you're my people!

i am different and it's okay. 

so yeah.... for 2025, i'm going to work enough to have enough in cash for core expenses and go from there. currently, i anticipate that to be 5 months in 2025.

another unexpected thought... i feel weird only having 1 job...like it doesn't seem worth it? weird right? 

mediation 1

 so i had the meeting for the informal coaching plan

honestly, i don't want to do this job

but i think it's just the injustice of it all

but i should know by now....sometimes that doesn't matter

i think that's the most demoralizing thing

well i have an end date...oct 29...

so to me that's 3 more paychecks

i'm not fighting

but my ultimate goal is to see if i can last until bonus day 2025

that is honestly a stretch

currently, i'm thinking...

finish the 30 business days

request fmla until we are off for the holidays

so i at least get that free time off...

then, figure out how to last 3 more months....

that's the tough one...

there's just too much money on the line to give up just yet

i'm seeing more of my therapist and my prescriber is starting me on prozac...

selling my sanity for drug money...

this is where we are folks...

the thing is ...i don't really see myself doing bonus nachos without the first gig...

pride?

i don't know...if i'm going to quit....i kind of want to quit everything....

i'm okay with leaving

 the more i keep looking for random jobs and trying to find this mystical job that meets all my needs, the more unhinged i feel...

i can gain a sense of calm with picking 1 direction...

applying for a job at my current company is not going well...and that's okay

applying for external jobs historically has not gone well...so that feels to be a losing proposition...

so i think for now, i will carry one with my early FI date of Jun 2025

I can base decisions on that...until i have new data that tells me different.

my current life is already paid for for this year

so for next year, i just continue as is, and save the rest for my FI send off.....wheee!

soothing money anxiety with money goals and wins

 yesterday i was okay, and didn't think about work much

then this morning there was some habitual dread...

i am meeting with my boss and others tomorrow about my informal coaching plan

i know my strategy is just to smile and nod, but it's not making it any more exciting of an event...

oh well...just got to grin and bear it..

but outside of that..as this date i picked out nears....i'm feeling uneasy

my expenses for last year were about 63k including all the current line items in my life...

some like my car loan will be eliminated but the rest are part of my life that i now enjoy...

i won't be able to afford that on the 4% rule...

so i've been putting apps in internally...a little haphazrdly and half-heartedly....because i don't how achievable what i want is...

the biggest shift is i don't necessarily want to quit working as urgently as i did when i started my FI journey...

there's nothing saying i have to quit...

but i also don't love working...

just i think if i already had a job i didn't mind doing....i'd probably keep going...

but actually going through the process of finding one....is where i get a little lost...of like...what exactly am i trying to achieve....

and i really don't know anymore...

what's true..

- i like having an income stream

- i don't necessarily HATE working as much; but i wouldn't mind not doing it for awhile

- i do kind of want a break

- i'm feeling some hesitancy to give up my call center job; my first thought is to try to make it work....i just want some flexibility during the day..... that i'm just not sure how to achieve...

so for call center 4 - i like the salar and LOVE the workload....just wish i could be more mobile and not chained to my desk for 9 hours...

but it did help to list out some of the money goals i wanted to achieve this year

1 pay off my car - we checked that off last month, but still nice to reflec on!!

2 - pay off e. africa trip...have enough money to do that

3- save 5k in case i want to travel or buy anything the remainder of the year

3 - save 5k to put in my FIRunUp fund....i'm still working on the premise that i FIRE in jun 2025; my core expenses dictate i'll need at least 15k for the remainder of 2025; i can save 10k with call center job in 5 months; so will need to save the other 5k this year...and i have the money to do so..yay

so that takes some burden off...

so just left with the task of...what to do in 2025...

when i made my original FI plan.. i said 2026... hmmm maybe it's worth revisiting that....now that i think about it...

working call center will not be awesome...but maybe 2026 will give me the grace period i was looking for...this just popped into my head...so yeah...that'll give me food for thought....

i think i like this plan...

i did feel some instant relief....so there's that....

I don't know what i'm trying to achieve anymore

 Typically, I spend my weekends socializing or finagling my spreadsheets.

My social life is fine. Last week was busy. This week is not. Next week is busy...and so on.

I don't have as much going on through the week because I work more restricted hours. 

Friday, the 13th

 ooooo, scary

got bubble guts trying to negotiate a meeting time with my boss

i've got to remind myself every morning to suck it up

i'm reminded of a blog post i read once where the guy was trying to hang on until his next big payout but his mental health couldn't take it

i wonder if that's me

is it worth it

the thing is...i've lost track of what i'm trying to achieve with both gigs...

it's not wholly monetary because i am mostly waiting on investment returns to take me to my next FI number...

so what am i even doing...

i don't know...

for now...trying to collect this paycheck

..i'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself in the smallest of ways...

...priorities for the win...i have to protect my reliable source of income..

..it occurred to me that the task i was afraid of might be even smaller than anticipated because the project timeline has been pushed to 2025-2026...which means less work for me...

...so if i can just babysit the project until then...i should be golden...slap a smile on my face and keep it moving..up my medication, increase my therapy...take all the vacations...get extra snuggles...

...ideally find an easy job so i can roll off this one...the only thing i can think is...the benefit of staying with j1 is that i can find things internally and it won't be a cold app...cuz the data 'don't lie'...

so there's that...

off to enjoy my very pleasant weekend...besos!

feeling blah...what's the reason

 i don't know why but i've been feeling pretty blah...is it because i'm waiting for things...so loss of control...idk...

- had a meeting with chase to open a business cc for the bonus - unknown outcome

- maybe just pending informal coaching plan with j1 - unknown outcome

- waiting for travel agent to put this trip i want on sale - unknown outcome

and just the day before, i was thinking...what would my life look like if i kept call center 4...it has 2 of the 3 things i'm looking for - a decent salary, very light workload, just not flexible... 

but i did do 2 things i'm proud of...

--well maybe 3...

- i went to the chase appointment eventhough i didn't want to

- re-did a meeting with boss because my priority is on j2 (i feel good about that because it was easy to prioritize the job that is secure)

- and immediately recognized i needed more help... and reached out to prescriber for new meds...(yay, me...i'm trying to live)'

so yeah, right now, i just want to cry and get in bed...

i need a break but i'm not sure from what

i now know it's not just work...cuz work this week has been extremely chill...

i just feel blah...

i think i need to take a cold break from j1... no more applying or looking for desperate ways out... i feel like i'm chasing a boy again...maybe if i try this extreme thing....keep searching...

i just wanted to find a good solution...but i might be reaching my end of finding solutions...just being done with desperation... 

i think because so many of my positives have come out of desperation; does that start now...

how much more can i disconnect from this job

i've lost track of what i'm trying to achieve.... 

the crying is back

 it just feels like i'm so close to get everything i want, it's scary.

i've been tearing up on and off for most of the day, and i'm not quite sure why

i think work

but then thinking about not working is frustrating

my neighbor-friend that i sleep with...is being weird and a bit unpredictable...and he was just such a key part about what made my last year great

but maybe all i get is one good year...

i don't know that i need to stay here without him...so then what..

i just keep moving...

the dark thoughts are coming back...and that makes me sad..