i'm okay with leaving

 the more i keep looking for random jobs and trying to find this mystical job that meets all my needs, the more unhinged i feel...

i can gain a sense of calm with picking 1 direction...

applying for a job at my current company is not going well...and that's okay

applying for external jobs historically has not gone well...so that feels to be a losing proposition...

so i think for now, i will carry one with my early FI date of Jun 2025

I can base decisions on that...until i have new data that tells me different.

my current life is already paid for for this year

so for next year, i just continue as is, and save the rest for my FI send off.....wheee!

soothing money anxiety with money goals and wins

 yesterday i was okay, and didn't think about work much

then this morning there was some habitual dread...

i am meeting with my boss and others tomorrow about my informal coaching plan

i know my strategy is just to smile and nod, but it's not making it any more exciting of an event...

oh well...just got to grin and bear it..

but outside of that..as this date i picked out nears....i'm feeling uneasy

my expenses for last year were about 63k including all the current line items in my life...

some like my car loan will be eliminated but the rest are part of my life that i now enjoy...

i won't be able to afford that on the 4% rule...

so i've been putting apps in internally...a little haphazrdly and half-heartedly....because i don't how achievable what i want is...

the biggest shift is i don't necessarily want to quit working as urgently as i did when i started my FI journey...

there's nothing saying i have to quit...

but i also don't love working...

just i think if i already had a job i didn't mind doing....i'd probably keep going...

but actually going through the process of finding one....is where i get a little lost...of like...what exactly am i trying to achieve....

and i really don't know anymore...

what's true..

- i like having an income stream

- i don't necessarily HATE working as much; but i wouldn't mind not doing it for awhile

- i do kind of want a break

- i'm feeling some hesitancy to give up my call center job; my first thought is to try to make it work....i just want some flexibility during the day..... that i'm just not sure how to achieve...

so for call center 4 - i like the salar and LOVE the workload....just wish i could be more mobile and not chained to my desk for 9 hours...

but it did help to list out some of the money goals i wanted to achieve this year

1 pay off my car - we checked that off last month, but still nice to reflec on!!

2 - pay off e. africa trip...have enough money to do that

3- save 5k in case i want to travel or buy anything the remainder of the year

3 - save 5k to put in my FIRunUp fund....i'm still working on the premise that i FIRE in jun 2025; my core expenses dictate i'll need at least 15k for the remainder of 2025; i can save 10k with call center job in 5 months; so will need to save the other 5k this year...and i have the money to do so..yay

so that takes some burden off...

so just left with the task of...what to do in 2025...

when i made my original FI plan.. i said 2026... hmmm maybe it's worth revisiting that....now that i think about it...

working call center will not be awesome...but maybe 2026 will give me the grace period i was looking for...this just popped into my head...so yeah...that'll give me food for thought....

i think i like this plan...

i did feel some instant relief....so there's that....

I don't know what i'm trying to achieve anymore

 Typically, I spend my weekends socializing or finagling my spreadsheets.

My social life is fine. Last week was busy. This week is not. Next week is busy...and so on.

I don't have as much going on through the week because I work more restricted hours. 

Friday, the 13th

 ooooo, scary

got bubble guts trying to negotiate a meeting time with my boss

i've got to remind myself every morning to suck it up

i'm reminded of a blog post i read once where the guy was trying to hang on until his next big payout but his mental health couldn't take it

i wonder if that's me

is it worth it

the thing is...i've lost track of what i'm trying to achieve with both gigs...

it's not wholly monetary because i am mostly waiting on investment returns to take me to my next FI number...

so what am i even doing...

i don't know...

for now...trying to collect this paycheck

..i'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself in the smallest of ways...

...priorities for the win...i have to protect my reliable source of income..

..it occurred to me that the task i was afraid of might be even smaller than anticipated because the project timeline has been pushed to 2025-2026...which means less work for me...

...so if i can just babysit the project until then...i should be golden...slap a smile on my face and keep it moving..up my medication, increase my therapy...take all the vacations...get extra snuggles...

...ideally find an easy job so i can roll off this one...the only thing i can think is...the benefit of staying with j1 is that i can find things internally and it won't be a cold app...cuz the data 'don't lie'...

so there's that...

off to enjoy my very pleasant weekend...besos!

feeling blah...what's the reason

 i don't know why but i've been feeling pretty blah...is it because i'm waiting for things...so loss of control...idk...

- had a meeting with chase to open a business cc for the bonus - unknown outcome

- maybe just pending informal coaching plan with j1 - unknown outcome

- waiting for travel agent to put this trip i want on sale - unknown outcome

and just the day before, i was thinking...what would my life look like if i kept call center 4...it has 2 of the 3 things i'm looking for - a decent salary, very light workload, just not flexible... 

but i did do 2 things i'm proud of...

--well maybe 3...

- i went to the chase appointment eventhough i didn't want to

- re-did a meeting with boss because my priority is on j2 (i feel good about that because it was easy to prioritize the job that is secure)

- and immediately recognized i needed more help... and reached out to prescriber for new meds...(yay, me...i'm trying to live)'

so yeah, right now, i just want to cry and get in bed...

i need a break but i'm not sure from what

i now know it's not just work...cuz work this week has been extremely chill...

i just feel blah...

i think i need to take a cold break from j1... no more applying or looking for desperate ways out... i feel like i'm chasing a boy again...maybe if i try this extreme thing....keep searching...

i just wanted to find a good solution...but i might be reaching my end of finding solutions...just being done with desperation... 

i think because so many of my positives have come out of desperation; does that start now...

how much more can i disconnect from this job

i've lost track of what i'm trying to achieve.... 

the crying is back

 it just feels like i'm so close to get everything i want, it's scary.

i've been tearing up on and off for most of the day, and i'm not quite sure why

i think work

but then thinking about not working is frustrating

my neighbor-friend that i sleep with...is being weird and a bit unpredictable...and he was just such a key part about what made my last year great

but maybe all i get is one good year...

i don't know that i need to stay here without him...so then what..

i just keep moving...

the dark thoughts are coming back...and that makes me sad..