Ursula the work sea witch does not win again!

 I was almost ready to throw in the towel, but I found a new way to look at it. And it has made all the difference.

So just when I thought I had dodged one boppit at work, another one popped up. Causing me more work angst. Like I needed that.

Mostly what's at stake here other than emotional anguish is my retirement date. It's gone through many iterations the last 4-6 weeks.

But now with New Job (hooray!), I have yet a new plan.

I think the best path moving forward is to consider New Job my Primary Job and Widget job my secondary job. This is transformational because Widget job is the job I've held longer and makes 2x as much as New job. Butttt, Widget job is currently unstable. And that instability is the reason I went looking for New Job as of late.

So remembering that it was easier to make this mental shift. And it has made all the difference. Although I haven't started, from past experience, I am more in control of the outcomes of New Job. It's call center. I can control my metrics more so there. I do have a minor concern that there is some writing involved and I know now that writing for a job is not my calling. 

For now, I'm done dancing with Widget Job to try to think of optimal outcomes.

So for now, I'm moving forward with New Job as primary job and putting my priority and focus with doing that job well. Aaaand the other thing is, I decided to let go of specific financial objectives...errr specific savings objectives because with New Job I think I can hack out 2 more years to my original (recent) retirement goal of Jun 2026. So that means if I'm willing to work for 2 more years than I can let the market take control.

So with minimal savings goals, New Job's salary will be just fine. 

I remembered too that I wanted to move away from aggressive savings goal and just enjoy the remaining half of my life. Because of job instability, I had packed in some big savings goal for the next 2 to 9 months, so I can relax on some of those.

I have a job! 

So yeah, maxing out 401k will not be a priority with New Job in 2025. It just won't. I'll still do the minimum to get the match (which doesn't seem all that worthwhile cuz it takes 5 years to vest, but I'll take the tax benefit). But yeah without thinking much about it yet, I see myself looking at what my expenses are for this year 2024 and using that to make savings goal, if any, beyond 3%

I have to remind myself it seems, I'm on the soft life path.

No more over-achieving. No more unnecessary stress.

Cuz I've already FIed twice now. I have enough to more than meet my basic needs and expenses and enough to pursue my interests.

And this makes me happy and calms me down. Yay!

Winning for all! 

100k is a great salary; the fact that I bemoaned it is a little outrageous! So yeah, good time to level set as I reach a new freedom point - July 4. Just declaring my financial independence and freedom from worry and unnecessary aggressive savings goal and outcomes.

1 million is just a fun number at this point. I'm FI, folks! I did it. And I'll do it and can celebrate if/when I reach 1 million.

But until then..hello! enjoy the ride!!! This is your life. 

Monday dread

 Hi, friends-

Don't know why but lately, I've been feeling so much dread with work meetings I have to lead. Right now, I'm just trying to get through this week.

I've done more than enough prep and that usually makes it okay, but the dread feeling still persists. 

I'm trying and mostly succeeding at not making too many big life plans past this week. Not for EOL reasons, but mostly just trying to enjoy the moment; not panic; and await more data.

Ok, toodles! It's 6 in the morning here!

I like my life now

 It feels good to say that. The last week or so I was definitely stuck in a blue-grey space. But I just have to get through this week of worky-work and things will even out again.

It seems low risk that my boss will meet to talk about a coaching plan this week as he is going to be gone all of July.

So with no new tasks being assigned, and I get through this tough week at work, summer should calm down.

I heard someone say that when we were talking about affording something - I like my life now. They didn't want to pinch pennies.

But outside of pinching pennies, I liked the statement and I liked it for myself. I like myself now. No future planning or bemoaning the past. I like my life now.

I like my apartment. I like my social life. I like the life my salary affords me. 

Sigh of relief. No big words or extra thoughts.

Even when I have to clean which I hate or do real work which I always hate. I like my life now. 

So yes, I just want to add to it, not take away from it. This is a baseline of happiness. 

Note - there is something powerful to watching nature shows. Animals first instinct is to fight for life. Fish often wriggle their way off a hook. Even when their heart is pierced, a squirrel bites its captor. The animal fur that is camouflaged with its surroundings. We are designed for life and have our own innate ability to protect ourselves. 

I won't wax on too much about that.

In the world of points, I have 2 more plays I want to want to try to get to for my east Africa trip. Looking forward to initiating those.

Ok, that's all for now. 

So many feelings

 I am having some pretty bad breakthrough feelings....

In no particular order..

- i want to drive my car into an overpass....just to get over this hump

- i want to text people that will hurt my feelings

i want to quit my job

i want to apply for credit cards

i want to message recruiters and ask them to hire me

i want to message hiring managers

i want to confront my grand boss

i want to confront ursula and burn her house down

i want to quit my job

i want to run away

i don't want to do these meetings next week

but i do cuz then i'm done with the hard part

i want to scream - please help me! i have no idea what i'm doing, but then i'll get placed on a PIP and lose my job anyway

i want to work two jobs and rub my hands together maniacally and collect a fat paycheck

i want to stay until end of mar 2025 because i grossed almost 90k in the first 3 months of this year and it would be cool to do it again!

i want to run away, quit my job; cry, scream; i miss my aunt; i miss believing in something; i miss daydreaming; i miss having bigger dreams

i wish i was better at working; why am i so smart yet everyone seems to be doing better at working than me

when do i get to be done

i wish i were ending work on a better note

is it okay to say f*k it and burn everything to the ground

i don't even know what kind of chair to get

the backpack i ordered is out of stock twice

i want to order 2 chairs

i want to order a desk

i wish i were good at something that made me a lot of money

my get away helped; but also my get away didn't help

i worry that once i get rid of work, i won't find more joy; just more things to be annoyed about

it's harder to be walked out the door than i thought

the thought of having to do one more hard thing in this job makes my stomach turn, but what are my options

how much therapy is going to be enough

should i just take more zoloft...i don't need a throat do i?

i cried a bit...first time this year.. 

i don't know what to want anymore

i have more money than i ever dreamed...why do i feel poor...maybe the goal wasn't to feel rich, but to not feel poor...well that didn't work...

or maybe the dream is not having to work again

but gosh, what will i do with my time!

now this feels like a real issue

I'm okay..mostly

 So I got the news that I didn't get the call center job. Luckily I was driving happily having experienced a cool landmark and the most delicious malaysian curry.

so all is good with the world

now that i'm home and seeing the rejection in black and white, it stings, I have to say.

But what I'm going to do is hunker down on the truth - I can likely do this job until end of august. I'm just going to stop there.

Today I'm going to play with number to make sure I can the things I want taken care of on my current salary.

As far what is next and what I want to happen next - it's kind of up in the air and changes.

Baseline, keep an easy salary as long as possible. Everything after that just has to be based on datapoints on what is achievable. 

As far as my current job, what I know is true is - I don't feel comfortable working it long-term, especially not with my current team. If I was put on another team, I don't think it would be without consequence. So I can't work in a legacy of fear.

I've had to fight for myself before, and I'll keep doing it. Because I am the only one responsible for me. And if I chose to live, this is the only world I know. 

So yeah, maybe the call center job was too good to be true. Sort of - in terms of timing. If they offered it to me...well I don't know. I don't want to entertain any more unknowns for the time being.

So today, I'm just going to re-arrange my finances. 

I couldn't find an external job. I'M VERY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR NOT SPIRALING AND APPLYING TO EVERY JOB I COULD. I just scrolled through Indeed and realized it just wasn't going to happen.

I'm not sure what else I can do at my current company. Going through the interview process is brutal. 

So mostly, I'll just decide in September. (If i can wait that long. Likely, I'll just stress and not enjoy my summer...boo...boo you ursula, sea witch!)

Tues, 9a

 I'm feeling a bit better than just an hour ago. I pooped! Sorry for the visual, but sometimes the little things can boost mood.

I got excited about spending the morning in bed doing tasks.

Work is sucking the joy from my life this morning. But it is not ever lasting. 

I just gotta do the things I gotta do to get through this temporary distress. 

What is true:

- I have a job. 

- I don't want to do said job anymore.

- I've even lost the surety I had with this job and this project. I could not be more disinterested.

- I was going to stay logged into Teams in case my team had questions, but I think it'll be okay to log-off shortly. The workflow ended yesterday.

- I'm confused on how much work I have to do on this project. It might be better to just close the workflow so I have time to think the next few days.

Okay, gotta run some errands!

I'm not doing well, friends

 I've been replaying the interview and the current situation in my mind pretty regularly. I'm not sleeping. I'm not having any fun.

I just feel meh. 

My brain reminds me of its idea of 'failed jobs' and failed job interviews. Work struggles. It's bringing up other people who seemingly have an easy time at work. 

I'm reminded of toxic boyfriend. 

It's not a good feeling.

I realized as much as I want to leave the workforce, I want to leave on my own terms. I think the added pressure of thinking I can't go back to work will negatively impact my early retirement. I will be stressed and stressed. 

That's not a good feeling.

I'm doom scrolling as the kids say, different jobs. Luckily I'm not applying for any externally. Even when I want to, it seems pointless.

In a way, I'm glad I came on a getaway, but it's not helping to distract me. 

The time moves so slowly! 

This is the lowest I've felt in a while. 

I hate limbo. I hate the unknown.

I hate how I feel right now, and I don't know how to feel better.

I can't even cry because the meds won't let me. 

I'm not sure what next step to make. 

I think if it weren't for the meds I'd be making another EOL plan, which sucks. 

I have most of what I wanted for the last few years, and somehow it doesn't feel enough. Because I don't have this one thing.

I worry that once I get this work thing resolved (one way or the other), my focus will turn to my awesome friendship with my neighbor.

That scares me.

How do I stop imploding?

I was looking back at past essays from Junes of past years. It's amazing how big the issues seemed at the time, and how small they are in retrospect - like mentioning an old project I worked for. It seemed so huge and devastating. But it wasn't.

Oh, I miss you, Zoloft! 

This feels huge and life altering and I know it's not. But boy my Brain is powerful. Why does it try to hurt me. 

I'm feeling FIne at 850

 Yes friends! I am declaring myself FI. Work is a source of anxiety and stress. And right now a bit uncertain. I'm waiting for a Coaching Plan. I'm waiting to hear back from a job I could do in my sleep. 

Such is life. This is why we do this!

I took a wee trip to the lake and found some clarity.

At 850k, 

4% withdrawal is: 34k/yr

5% withdrawal is: 42.5k/yr

The 4% withdrawal rate is a bit short of the 40k I had in my mind (but also tons more than my original 20k/yr). So I can either withdraw 5%...which I'm totally okay with it for a couple reasons - I don't need to live till age 80; my index funds should continue to make money over time; and in 20 years, I'll be around the age for social security. And let's face it... I've done so well for myself.

Or I can do 4% withdrawal and supplement with dividend income. I don't know the long-term certainty of this, but right now my friend suggested a fund that is paying me 2k/mon. So, I'll only need 10k/yr from that.

So, I'm good!

So I'm just focusing on 2 financial goals at this point:

- Earn/Allocate $5k for East Africa trip.

- Pay off car.

- Allocate about $900 for furniture. 

This is doable! Just realized that was 3 things. I put the furniture on there just as a reminder. 

But yeah. I was looking for a way to think about my next steps/plan. I think it's easy just to consider myself FI and just trying to gamify the system.

I felt myself getting a bit desperate and I don't want that for myself. 

I controlled for what I could.

I mean let's not forget the physical pain I'm actually in. 

I wish there were another way to juice a little more from this orange. But I think this is it. Don't get greedy, MERJ!

Chillin with trouble in paradise

 I'm glad I got away in response to my silly work troubles. Not sure if it solved anything, but I needed to feel like I was doing something.

The situation has not resolved but I am hoping it gets kicked down the road. 

It would have been victorious to have a new job in hand so I didn't have to have this conversation, but here we are. 

At the end of the day I want to enjoy my life. And that I shall.

I'm still focused on hitting my 3 financial goals in the next 12 months, and trying very hard to wait patiently on this very nice bull market!! Woot!! 

But yeah work will be a boon to leave.

I keep trying to break the next 12 months into smaller milestones to reach.

So yeah, with vacay if I can delay the coaching plan - it's more angsty, but more paycheck. So I have to do it. 

Right now, I'm just trying to get through my current project in one piece, which ends in Sept. Then after that, I want to sail to March 2025 - Bonus Day.

Just need that final payout and then I can exhale. Phew!

But yeah, loose plans for the day -

- watch tv

- go to park

- swim

- eat cheap chinese....

Everyone wins! 

85% to goal and feeling meh

 So, first YAY! I reached my next milestone - 85% of my FI number! Yippee!! Other than the 3 financial goals I want to hit in the next 3 months, I'm soooooooo tired of talking about money. I just want to have a chill summer! 

Is that too much to ask. 

But yes, I reached my next biggest milestone and it's been awesome. It's actually been cool to talk about it aloud with a couple people and not feel like that was going to jinx it or I would be punished somehow!! Yay. 

To be sure, I'm still very excited about reaching my FI number. (Yet some days I still feel poor.) I am hoping once I can live with the financial independence for a few years, I'll finally start to believe no one is coming to take it away from me. 

On Monday, I talk to my boss more about the written Coaching Plan so I'm not looking forward to that. And will likely get an update on the Call Center job - or not. Either way, it's a bit nerve-wracking. 

So to distract myself and just physical distance between my safe happy home and bad news, I decided to take a little road trip a few hours a way to the middle of nowhere. 

I originally was thinking of going to mount rushmore. And as much fun as that would be, the drive is just way too long and the hotel prices are not as reasonable as I wanted. So I decided to fly there later in the year. (Which I'm pretty stoked about; but waiting till Tuesday to make any big money decisions.)

But yeah, I'm planning to leave tomorrow, and come back Tuesday for my trip to the middle of nowhere. I get the stupid news on Monday with my boss...I'm going to be annoyed if he cancels the meeting or postpones it. Hahah. 

Oh well. I really wanted a job in hand on Monday to tell him to suck it but oh well. 

In the end, if I get the call center job at 100k, I'll take it. Grin and Bear it.

If I don't and end up on a coaching plan. I have to grin and bear it too. At least I'll be on my way to financial independence!

Yo, but we can just enjoy my moment for a second. I have enough money to retire FOREVER!! We did it, world!! All of us. Everyone. 

I also applied for and received 3 months forbearance. I want to use that money to pay off my car. I was hoping to get 12 months but we shall see if they let me renew it. I'll take all I can get.

I just spent part of my morning looking at backpacks. Life is still good. 

Even when I'm feeling a bit uneasy right now. I have enough perspective to know this is sucky and temporary. Both things can be true! 

So plan for the rest of the day is to enjoy my weekend. 

Pack and be ready. Book the hotel tonight or tomorrow. And take off a few hours after breakfast, around 12n or so. 

Adios, friends! 

Feeling a bit discouraged today

 Had a meeting with a hiring manager (finally) and I feel neutral, instead of the shoe-in I wanted to be. And the other members of the panel are people who have already looked at my application and rejected it. So this just feels sucky. 

I'm not sure how to figure out a way out of here. I really would prefer to stick with an internal job but as of today and the last few weeks there's not much else I can apply for.

Ugh, the thought of working in my current job just does not appeal to me. 

I mostly just wanted to have something secured before I meet with my manager next Monday. 

Oh well. I've made plans but so far nothing is really coming to fruition on the job front.

I really don't know what else to do - I've reached out to all my leads and still not really getting anywhere. 

I think they are just hiring people they know. So it's not worth it to keep applying. Which is okay.

Just trying to stay motivated as I stay adrift.

I know not to take this personally but it's just frustrating. I have to figure out another plan out of my current job. Just not sure what. 

A tale of 2 jobs and new money moves

 Ok, so this week was a data enriched week for sure! Can't believe Monday was so long. 

So just yesterday, I had a plan to get the call center job. But this morning I feel more motivated to stick it out with current job or writing job. Namely because with call center job at $100k, my take home after maxing out my 401k is an estimated 48k!! Yikes! Now we can no longer why people can't afford their life. 

My current very modest lifestyle has expenses at $42k. 

And I live in the cheapest apartment downtown. Okay, that's not fully true. I found one for $650/mon but it's 1 mile away and near unhoused groups. But it is still always an option. 

But yeah at $48k/yr, I'm a little bit more motivated to stick it out in my current job. But that's without the manager feedback, coaching plan, or working with Ursula. Essentially, yesterday was a good day because I didn't have to interact with any of my colleagues. 

So we'll just have to wait another week to see what new data my manager brings to the table. 

But yeah running through the exercise of what my financial life would be like at a lower paying salary was a little bit of a wake up call. Yikes! Remember when $100k seemed like so much money! How do people live off anything less. I don't think I can afford my life and I'm definitely not living anywhere nice. How does my brother afford his life??

Yeah I have a new respect for the "working poor." Yeah there's no way I'd be able to save as much as I have with such a fine margin. Thank you, big salary! I can never fully appreciate you! 

But yes, with the level of job insecurity I feel with either job, I decided to super stretch my FI date to Jun 2025. Running it through an investment calculator or savings calc, I need to save 60k and have a return of around 12% to reach my FI number in 12 months. So with an achievable, albeit aggressive, goal in mind, I feel more purposeful. 

This just feels like the only answer. After quite a bit of consternation and ruminating yesterday afternoon, I identified 3 financial goals to focus on for the next 12 months:

1. Save 60k

2. Pay off my car ($25k)

3. Plan/Fund a trip to East Africa. 

I had to let Europe go and living abroad for an extended period of time. I just don't want to be working 5p to 12a at this point in my life. 

I want to focus on these items so I can feel even more financially secure in the midst of job insecurity. And it gives me something to focus on that I can control or impact by myself. While the job around feels wobbly at best these days. 

Item 1 and 2 are very achievable in my current job. With the call center job, I will have to be very creative. And it will feel a little tight, but I'm hoping it doesn't affect my social activities too much since my allowance is pretty generous. And with 1 trip and potentially East Africa to focus on, that should help. 

With the call center job, I was thinking to help pay off my car in 12 months, I'll need to pause student loan payments for 12 months. But I think even if I kept my current job, I still want to do that. It feels like free money and that makes me happy. 

So with 8k from student loans saved + 10k grant money + 5k from my old car.. it makes owning this car a bit easier to digest. I have a start date of July 15 for my new money plans because I'm thinking that is the earlies I might start call center job. And my boss will be fully on his vacation by then so I'll have an idea of where I stand with current job.

But yeah, I feel like I've kind of exhausted all my leads with trying to get an internal call center job so if this round doesn't work, I'm out of things to try at the moment. 

So those are things hanging around in my brain. 

I'm curious to figure out what credit card hacking I can do for East Africa. I'm excited to pick a date (I just went with the cheapest one on the travel site). 

So yeah, I'm a girl that loves a plan. So stick around and see how this all ends. 

Still happy, still hopeful

 So they keep posting openings for the call center job at work, but my application keeps getting rejected. It's frustrating. And as a basic human, it makes me want it more. I have enough new data that I would take the job at whatever salary vs staying in my current job.

Luckily, I didn't inflate my lifestyle too much and I was already hoping to be leaving in the next 2 years.

If I can maintain 12% growth over the next 12 months and save an additional 60k, I'll reach my FI number. I think I'll be ready to hit the road, figuratively.

In a way this new data is a good thing because I was unsure what I wanted to do with the job situation. But I'm happy to act on the data received and protect my mental health.

I had a good outcome yesterday in the recruiting process. I have been groomed so long not to be happy for the intermediate outcomes, but I chose to be happy. It was nice that all my persistence moved the needle. I am hopeful that I'll get the panel interview and land the job. 

I don't know why I didn't practice yesterday but I am hoping since the hiring manager already saw my resume, she's happy to move me forward. 

I want to start prepping for the interview because there are a lot of questions!!

My numbers keep going up. A friend is pursuing dividend paying stocks and has gotten my attention. I'm still trying to get out of a target date fund that has done nothing in 2 years so I'm quite primed for a change. 

So yeah, thinking of a base case of 100k with new job and starting July 15 if they move fast. That would be hilarious because my boss would be on break and come back to one less employee. 

Obviously none of my scenarios are happening the way I imagined but I still enjoy the exercise of mapping out different outcomes. 

Um....pull the alarm!

 Yes, my manager has given me what is essentially a bad report or performance improvement plan. Yikes!

Strangely, since this was one of many scenarios going through my mind, I can't say I'm surprised. I mean I am but less so than I would have been. 

Right now my options are:

Default: stay in this position until I'm terminated (but honestly, my human pride/ego has checked me out)

Option 1: look for another internal job

Option 2: look for an external job

I was trying to just last till Bonus Day 2025... to meet my next savings goal...but now I don't know.

Luckily my boss is going on vacation soon until first week of august, so that should help delay any termination. 

But yeah in terms of "keeping my job"...feeling pretty helpless. 

But in terms of financial stability...feeling pretty empowered!

Nothing bad happens. And I luckily have already reviewed my plans for pulling the lever. I've applied to jobs internally and one externally. 

I'm not going too crazy since I know I don't have much left and I have history of applying to random things. 

So if I don't get these next 2 jobs I applied for, I don't really know what else I can do.

If I can't get a job in the field I have experience in, not sure what else I can do. 

So that's my update.

It is as much as an ego hit as you'd think! Wow, I'm just not ready! 

Super Stretch Goal - May 31, 2025

 You heard it here first, kids! In a day of foolishness, I plugged into the savings calculator how much I would need to save a month to reach 1 million dollars in a year... with my current return rate of 12%....I got just about 5k/mon. What...that's only 60k a year...surely I can do that right??

Well I didn't want to go back to aggressive savings; although 1 part of me was thinking, if I could somehow save all my gross salary and live off another fantasy job, I could pull this off. So yes, if by some twist of market returns, I can maintain my current returns, I could quite possible reach my BIG AUDACIOUS GOAL in 1 year.

Wowzers! 

Without really changing anything I'm doing now, I could save 60k by this time next year! Wow.

But as a very nice consolation prize, I could do nothing and still reach the BIG AUDACIOUS GOAL in 2 years. So, there goes what happens in case of job loss.

It's a pretty sweet spot that I literally never dreamed could happen (see original sad projections). 

So still knowing how close and amazing this is, I'm quite impatient. Humans!

I'm also veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy happy!!!!

For now, I want to keep this to myself. I'm only publicly talking about retiring in 2 years. And even then I go back and forth. But I think part of it is to keep me motivated.

But yeah, even if I reach this super stretch goal next year, I think I'd keep working if my job allowed it - meaning, if it didn't get super annoying and I rage quit. 

I can do this!!!