When Death Itself is not a Worthwhile End

 

So my sole sense of comfort through hard times has been (not God) but knowing if it ever got too much, I literally didn't have to take it anymore. (If you've ever seen After Life on Netflix, you get it.)

In this moment, I feel that wouldn't even bring me any sense of comfort. I want to feel better not dead.  I want the world and the life I imagined. I want things to not be hard. I want to make significant, sustainable, positive, ongoing contributions to the world, starting with my job and I guess the humans.  I want the fact that I lived to have mattered - to more than one person.

I think what's been hard about grief each time someone close to me has died is how quickly they appear to be forgotten.  Whether that person lived 20 years or 70 years. After the first few weeks, after the funeral, after the gatherings, no one speaks of them. I would have wanted to be remembered forever and spoken of daily. 

So my beloved aunt passed away in January. She raised me (and a few others) on her own for the last 30 years. I failed to realize while she was alive how fortunate and blessed I was to have such a solid foundation. 

The other part of my story is I have two functioning natural parents. If my aunt is 100% of my parents. As a couple, they are more like 50% of a parent. So together I had 150% of parental units.  My aunt passed away in January. And last Saturday, I found out my father passed away as well. Now, I'm left with 25% of parental units, if that. 

And since this is a money blog, I ended up contributing $5k for funeral expenses. This morning I wasn't sure if that was too much.  That's what happens when you have too much cash floating in your accounts. Thanks, Corona. 

In other news, I skeptically attended a 401k presentation yesterday and it turned out to be full of little nuggets. 

Nugget 1: My company has separate bonus checks -which I didn't realize- and they match 6% of each payCHECK. My contribution for bonus checks was on 0% because I wanted to make even contributions to my 401k based on my standard paychecks to make sure I got the full match. I would have missed out on the bonus match come bonus time (God-willing, of course). 

Nugget 2: My company offers post-tax contributions to the 401k. This is different than a Roth 401k. I'd signed up just to try it out and remember it existed. I'd also signed up at 2% each pay period because I wasn't going to be able contribute exactly the max to my 401k pre-tax because I switched jobs halfway through the year and the percentages wouldn't match up to get me right at 19.5k. 

The game changing tip is - he was like if you sign up for post-tax match, you want to call us to do a Rollover to a Roth 401k so that your earnings can grow tax free! I just didn't even think about, or I guess really know that was an option. I'd never really heard of post-tax contributions. 

So essentially, I can contribute the annual max of $19,500 to my 401k, and in my case I'm doing it pre-tax. BUT, I can also do spillover elections up to the IRS max of of like $57k through these after-tax contributions! 

Since I'm already funneling post-tax money into taxable investment vehicles outside of my employer, to me it makes sense just to repurpose that money to the after-tax contributions and do the rollover so that the earnings grow tax free. 

My initial concern was being able to take the money out before retirement. I can do that freely with a personal investment account. With the post-tax contributions to the 401k which are subsequently rolled over into a Roth 401k, I would only be able to take out the contributions freely. Earnings would be subject to a 10% early withdrawal penalty.  But to me it's worth the risk because 10% is the lowest tax bracket anyway, and historically I haven't had too many ways to lower my tax rate.

So there you have it, the perfect distraction for grief - complicated financial matters. 

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Thai Place

 

I have so much to say and no one to say it to! What to do.

Ugh, work!

I just wish I knew what the future holds.

I wish I knew how to really hit one out of the park.

Things that stuck out to me with feelings I can't quite articulate:

- The meeting about customer response questions - things I said were said by someone else; I'm not sure how my comments landed; did I provide the right information? Did I say it the right way? I felt like more was expected of me? My decision not to rock the boat but a white man was welcomed with open arms left me a bit unsettled. 

- The meeting where I was asked about exiting a patient off the program. Was my response the right response? 

- Then I was asked about enrolling caregivers - but the program manager answered for me. Is this the right thing? If I think we're all one team, then it's okay. But if I'm supposed to be the answerer, then it's a problem. 

Then I had a meeting with my manager. When she asks for insight based on my past experience, I wish I had more reliable contacts at Call Center #1. They would be most helpful.  Did I say the wrong thing? Am I doing work that is meaningful to the overall group goal? 

I don't know why I need to be constantly reassured, but somehow I do. 

I'm in quite a cantankerous mood

 I broke some of my rules today.

I had relegated myself to checking my email on certain days of the week.

Handling personal business emails - Tuesday.

Responding to social emails - Wednesday.

Today I was feeling like a contrarian and wanted to take it out on some people. Somewhere along the way I learned not to be disagreeable. So for whatever reason, it feels like a violation of a social contract when other people disagree with me. 

More and more lately it bugs me when people disagree with or correct me. If they don't have to play by the rules, why should I?

I'm always in a tangle with the person I want to be out-loud vs the person I have to keep hidden. 

This particular weekend I came to terms with the fact that the bottom of the barrel friends I was scraping up just aren't doing it for me. I don't know a simpler way to say it. I was right in my initial assessment to leave them in the past. I don't feel the way I want to feel. No one really cares that much about anything, including maintaining inconvenient friendships. I need these people to be available to me. The whole appeal of reaching out to old friends was not having to re-establish that history. But too much time has passed. 

I'm really alone. I'm recommitting to another year of solitude. 

The only little ray of hope was my manager. The fact that I could connect with her so easily (at least until the tarnish wore off) makes me feel like I'm not asking for too much. But the fact that it took  9 years to meet her is a little daunting. 

So this morning I sent some disagreeable emails. Someone said something that I disagreed with, and I pointed it out.  Of course on reflection, I realize what an undesirable character trait that is. It feels pedantic, when all I wanted was to feel heard. 

Poptarts, bed, and a rude show on Netflix. Off I go. 

These Are the Words I Would Say

Another week done and dusted.

It was actually not remarkably bad. 

I was actually settled in bed watching a show when Manager messaged me that she missed our Friday chats. Elated!  You'd think my high school crush was contacting me. I need to get that fixed.  And then earlier this week she said she collected some swag from a work event for me that she was going to mail me. (Ahhh! It made me think of my aunt!)

Did another week of Cousins Virtual Game Night. One of my cousins mentioned an upcoming therapy appointment but I don't know if she knows that I know the reasons why. And I don't know what the rules are when someone is going to therapy. Are you supposed to ask about it? 

This week, there were some perceived power plays from My Buddy. She has decided that we need to do quarterly audits of the call center starting 2021. Ok, fair. She called a meeting for the 4 of us - me, her, her mediocre white man of a direct report, and Manager. Manager didn't show up. 

I, who forgot I was supposed to be lying more, was like what's an audit plan - I don't know what that is. Later in the meeting, she said oh, well this is nothing to us because Mediocre White Man and I are certified auditors. 

Ok, then why am I in this meeting. So, you all have audited an MI call center before? 

Is there a support group for dealing with co-workers. 

The reason I felt comfortable even admitting to not knowing something is a combination of a couple things. First, more than a few times of late everyone goes to a meeting and no one knows what's going on but no one says anything until after the meeting in side conversations. Secondly, a few women when they feel comfortable have been able to actually question things and try to gain understanding of new topics. So then I started to feel like it was okay. Thirdly, these are my teammates - we share the same Associate Director. 

I think what I keep wanting to ignore is - when I ask a question, it's seen as ignorance; when a non-me asks a question, it's seen as a boon or a critical thinking.  When I ask, what's the purpose of this meeting - it reads as an accusation. When a mediocre white man asks the same question - it makes everyone think twice and he's lauded for his insight and direction. 

I just can't lie on the spot.

Anyway, some general lingering feelings about My Buddy.

She's lost one of her direct reports, and I don't know if she misses having an extra person to boss around, but I feel like some of that attention has been turned towards me. I had an opportunity to nip in the bud, but I chose not to. She is my Manager's right hand woman, so that's a relationship I have to navigate with care. I have to carefully think of what I want the outcome to be.  The issue I've been having is I think she's flexing some sort of authoritative muscle and I'm not sure why. I don't feel like I've presented myself as a threat to her in anyway, so that's concerning. The only other thing I'm wondering is if she's been directed by Manager to keep an eye on me in some way. If that's the case, then I'd like to know. 

So I'm just taking my wins where I can - namely in 1:1 time with my manager. 

The issue I have with the audit plan is - I fear some more frustration with not knowing what I'm doing; I fear some confusion with them not knowing what they're doing; I fear some frustration with having to call them out or hold my tongue; all in all I'm not looking forward to having to work closely with them; I'm not going to get my questions answered; we can barely get through these monthly calibrations without the supplier questioning us. So I can't imagine how us auditing their work is going to go, when my team is so quick to pass the blame back to the vendor eventhough from where I stand the guidance is inconsistent. 

Oh, did I mention that I reached out to my Racist Friend a few weeks ago. He responded via text but we weren't able to connect via phone. I really wish he would make an effort to be my friend again - Lord knows I could use one, even  a racist one. 

Oh! Some fun news. I stumbled upon Serena William's meet-cute story.  Even in their 30s as multi-millionaires they were both playing hard to get. She met her husband in Rome; invited him to see her play in France; he flew down there just to see her, then he pretended he was too busy. What! I laughed, I cried. It gave me a little hope and a little discouragement. I can't play those kinds of games. 

After the First 2 Peanut Butter Cups

 Did 2 weeks just pass already? 

Hmmm, it's Sunday morning and I haven't listened to a church service in months. I did not cry yesterday, so there's that. I fiddled around on the work laptop till about 5p so that helped. 

Let's just do a quick work, money, life update then, shall we!

Work

I still love slash am obsessed with my boss! I just want to do a really good job and make her proud to have me on her team and that she chose me. Mommy issues much? I'm so sad and disappointed when she doesn't pay attention to me. It's weird. 

The hot goss is that her role had pushed out this old white guy that was her boss. Now he's back! I've never been so embroiled in office drama. It's mostly exciting in the moment but easily forgettable when you work virtually.  It's funny because they like to talk about Old white guy having no call center experience eventhough he worked at the company for 22 years but yet recently hired Young white guy at the call center who also has no experience. Humans. 

I just hope she doesn't see it as an affront because I sure do.  

My "buddy" on our team sent me a nasty-gram adjacent email about how "we" should keep each other in the loop and check in with each other so we aren't sending duplicate emails. Mind you, she's the one who didn't CC me on an email. Humans. 

Twice now Manager has put me on the spot in a meeting that I ended up leading unbeknownst to me. So I think my staying quiet in meetings has either been brought to her attention or she's trying to develop me into a public speaker. I don't actually have a problem with public speaking, but I'll leave her be. As I like to say, if you keep paying me, I'll keep doing what you say. 

Money

Finally did my 3rd quarter update. It took a couple weekends. First I just updated all my balances. Investments are looking pretty good. It is pretty fun to see the accounts I stopped contributing to still continue to grow! I finally invested some of the excess cash I'd been holding on to. It's mostly the death benefit from my aunt.  At the end of the month, I am hoping to invest more out of the savings account. It was tied up in trying to get a $200 bonus from opening a new savings account, but it should be free in a couple days. 

A back burner goal is to consolidate some of these accounts, but I'm still under 10, so it's not a priority right now.  Nothing too remarkable for regular expenses.  I was letting cash stay in checking accounts to wait out the Virus and New Job. Oh I have to remember to let $5k stay in savings to pay for this hospital bill I may or may not have to pay when things return to normal. 

Other than that, my default is just to let 1.5 months expenses stay in both checking and savings.  And then invest the rest. Despite opening at least a dozen accounts this year for the sign-up bonus, I haven't found a checking account to replace my regular checking. And I'm still looking for one. I had a list of requirements somewhere. I know I would love some sort of auto-feature that would sweep money into savings if the checking balance was greater than x amount, for starters. 

Life

I ended up scheduling a weekly virtual game night with my cousins. We've had 3 so far. Meh.  I don't know what my dearly departed sainted aunty wants me to do.  Right now I just want to clone my boss and make her my friend. So that is to say I still could use a friend of my very own and someone to take care of me. That probably would need to be 2 people. 

I think that's it for now.