These Are the Words I Would Say

Another week done and dusted.

It was actually not remarkably bad. 

I was actually settled in bed watching a show when Manager messaged me that she missed our Friday chats. Elated!  You'd think my high school crush was contacting me. I need to get that fixed.  And then earlier this week she said she collected some swag from a work event for me that she was going to mail me. (Ahhh! It made me think of my aunt!)

Did another week of Cousins Virtual Game Night. One of my cousins mentioned an upcoming therapy appointment but I don't know if she knows that I know the reasons why. And I don't know what the rules are when someone is going to therapy. Are you supposed to ask about it? 

This week, there were some perceived power plays from My Buddy. She has decided that we need to do quarterly audits of the call center starting 2021. Ok, fair. She called a meeting for the 4 of us - me, her, her mediocre white man of a direct report, and Manager. Manager didn't show up. 

I, who forgot I was supposed to be lying more, was like what's an audit plan - I don't know what that is. Later in the meeting, she said oh, well this is nothing to us because Mediocre White Man and I are certified auditors. 

Ok, then why am I in this meeting. So, you all have audited an MI call center before? 

Is there a support group for dealing with co-workers. 

The reason I felt comfortable even admitting to not knowing something is a combination of a couple things. First, more than a few times of late everyone goes to a meeting and no one knows what's going on but no one says anything until after the meeting in side conversations. Secondly, a few women when they feel comfortable have been able to actually question things and try to gain understanding of new topics. So then I started to feel like it was okay. Thirdly, these are my teammates - we share the same Associate Director. 

I think what I keep wanting to ignore is - when I ask a question, it's seen as ignorance; when a non-me asks a question, it's seen as a boon or a critical thinking.  When I ask, what's the purpose of this meeting - it reads as an accusation. When a mediocre white man asks the same question - it makes everyone think twice and he's lauded for his insight and direction. 

I just can't lie on the spot.

Anyway, some general lingering feelings about My Buddy.

She's lost one of her direct reports, and I don't know if she misses having an extra person to boss around, but I feel like some of that attention has been turned towards me. I had an opportunity to nip in the bud, but I chose not to. She is my Manager's right hand woman, so that's a relationship I have to navigate with care. I have to carefully think of what I want the outcome to be.  The issue I've been having is I think she's flexing some sort of authoritative muscle and I'm not sure why. I don't feel like I've presented myself as a threat to her in anyway, so that's concerning. The only other thing I'm wondering is if she's been directed by Manager to keep an eye on me in some way. If that's the case, then I'd like to know. 

So I'm just taking my wins where I can - namely in 1:1 time with my manager. 

The issue I have with the audit plan is - I fear some more frustration with not knowing what I'm doing; I fear some confusion with them not knowing what they're doing; I fear some frustration with having to call them out or hold my tongue; all in all I'm not looking forward to having to work closely with them; I'm not going to get my questions answered; we can barely get through these monthly calibrations without the supplier questioning us. So I can't imagine how us auditing their work is going to go, when my team is so quick to pass the blame back to the vendor eventhough from where I stand the guidance is inconsistent. 

Oh, did I mention that I reached out to my Racist Friend a few weeks ago. He responded via text but we weren't able to connect via phone. I really wish he would make an effort to be my friend again - Lord knows I could use one, even  a racist one. 

Oh! Some fun news. I stumbled upon Serena William's meet-cute story.  Even in their 30s as multi-millionaires they were both playing hard to get. She met her husband in Rome; invited him to see her play in France; he flew down there just to see her, then he pretended he was too busy. What! I laughed, I cried. It gave me a little hope and a little discouragement. I can't play those kinds of games.