Old Dog, No New Tricks

Happy Fri-yay! I'm not working today and it's a nice rainy start to the day. I don't mind actually.

Modified Goal
I woke up this morning with an epiphany. The thing happened, and it kind of took my focus away from my fitness goals. Well, I allowed it to take my focus away because I'm sure prioritizing wellness would have probably helped.

Call Center #2 reimburses 50% of expenses up to $300 on wellness and fitness expenses. It's a bit of a decrease from last year (100% up to $360), but I digress. So with my ever worsening tightness, soreness, and generally sedentary life, I jumped on the new year, new me fitness bandwagon.

Mind you, I already know I don't stick to things that require what I call a total personality change.

Well, I got swept up in the hype. I wasn't joining a gym, I told myself. I'll be motivated this time, since it's a finite amount of commitment and I actually really need to loosen up. It would behoove me to take advantage of this. Plus, I'm not a total goober, I did test out the fitness theory by purchasing just a 2-class pass first. Since I completed those, I felt I could do this.

So at the bright start of 2020, I purchased a 12-class pass of aerial classes. I had four months to attend 12 classes. To me that's just a 1x/week commitment. Surely, I could do that!  It's now the middle of March, and I still have 9 classes left!  That's barely 1x/month. The pass expires at the end of April.

So we affirm a four month commitment is a bit much for me.  I'd stuck with a 9-class (I think) commitment to Tai Chi shortly after the pain started. But I guess 12 classes were 3 too many.

Well then my aunt died; the weight of the job hunt rejection continued; a pending move; a pending house-buy; and life happened.

I think probably a large chunk of it was due to my shift ending at 8p, I was mostly remanded to weekend classes. And it is very difficult to motivate myself to leave the house and be around people on weekends. The Tai Chi class worked for the most part because I could go to it straight after work. If I'm already in motion, it was a little easier.

All that being said, I decided to adjust my goal to my current circumstance. I'm set to move in two-weeks. So instead of trying to fit 9 more classes into the next 2 weeks, I'll just try to do 3. That'll bring my total up to 6 classes (out of 12). I'm technically only getting reimbursed for 50% of the pass, so at least I'll get what I paid for, just not at the discount I hoped for. But this feels like a more realistic goal.

This is a big step for me because usually I'm an all or nothing person. Well, if I can't do it all, why even do any of it.

More grumbles
Last night was more grumbling. I wish I knew what it meant to grieve the loss of something.

When I was 17, I graduated from high school. I was on top of the world. I'd gotten into Duke Early Decision, so I was leaving my crappy town hopefully for good. I still had friends. I was on prom court. I got to start college while I was in high school. Duke was even letting me come for the summer to start a few classes early.

It just seemed as though the stars were aligning.

Then after fall break, I had to drop out of Duke and go home because my immigration status meant I couldn't get financial aid. I tried to so hard to be faithful and hopeful. I got a job at the mall, and it would break my heart to see all the college kids home for the holidays with their collegiate apparel. I wasn't a crier then.

I spent the next two years just applying and applying to colleges and scholarships. I could get in but just couldn't afford it.  Of course now I can think, if I weren't so focused on the loss of a dream, I could've focused on keeping my college expenses low. But I had envisioned this life for myself, and it included going to Duke. I needed the validation offered by a prestigious university- that I was smart, and I was going to be somebody.

Looking back it was such an opportunity to begin the road to financial independence, but I had no idea that was even a thing. I was so focused on what I felt I had lost that my only goal was to attain it again.

I feel like that's what may be happening again. I'm just focused on the fact that I'm not a Medical Information Manager. That I'm not leading some fast-paced life with tons of friends, cool experiences, fun vacations, and maybe even a love-interest or two.

Part of me groans deeply about this. Last night being one of those times. I just felt so sad and unhappy that this was my life.  When I was 16 and actually accepted to Duke, I did not picture that 20 years later at 36, I'd be sitting in my bed alone, with no friends, a job I'm not proud of, and moving to a place I'm ashamed of to save money.

The twist
In the days since my aunt's death, I am realizing that my aunt was "my person," and I don't think I started to realize that until she passed away. She wasn't the handsome prince coming to rescue me. She wasn't the cool American with rich parents that would by association elevate my status.

No, she was my stubborn, penny-rich aunt who bought me clothes and trinkets from Walmart and the Dollar Store. Who was always asking me if I ate and would send me food in the mail when she thought I wasn't eating enough. She was the only one who wanted to hear from me everyday. She was the one who took me in to keep me safe from harm and make sure I had a stable home, clean clothes, good food, and access to a good education.  Now she's gone before we ever really got to be friends. Before I ever realized she was my person.

I'm trying to keep an open mind about this stage of my life because in the past when my life didn't look the way I wanted it to, it turned out to be a true missed-opportunity.

But right now I don't feel that at all. I mostly feel disgruntled and unsatisfied.