Notes on a Death Date

It was pretty affirming last week when a girl I used to know sent me a box of cupcakes via a delivery app as a token of condolence for the passing of my aunt. She didn't know I don't eat dairy. Thus, I was faced with the task of finding someone to give them to.

I knew I didn't have a friend to drive me to the airport. I knew I didn't have a friend to call in case of an emergency. With my aunt gone, I didn't have a friend to call just to check on. In facing my pending move, I definitely knew I'd be hiring movers because I had no one to bribe with pizza to help with the move.

But now I knew I didn't even have a friend to whom I could give away a box of cupcakes.

How about that?

In handling my aunt's affairs, post mortem, I started to update my beneficiary designations on my various accounts. Did you know if you leave no designated beneficiaries on something like a death benefit (at work) or on checking accounts, it gets paid to your estate. And if you have leftover debts, creditors get first dibs. This is the case, at least, if you're single like me.

Although the only debt I have (sans my surprise medical bill), is my student loan (which is cancelled upon death), I didn't want anything I left going to any creditors or just hanging out in an estate for no one to execute or probate.

Between the cupcakes and "all" this money I've been hoarding chasing a life outside the workforce, I needed a plan of who to leave the good things to.

Dealing with my aunt's affairs (she too died single), I learned a few things. In the case of a single woman like me with no children, let's say I had $100k in assets. Without designated beneficiaries or a will, these things go in order to  surviving parents, then surviving siblings.

There's no way I wanted to leave any money I worked hard for to my brother. I don't know why that just got such a violent reaction out of me. I mean, I went ahead and listed him as my beneficiary on all my accounts only because that's where they would go by default, but it didn't feel good.

 And it should right?

It's one thing if it's a life insurance policy that my work would pay out just by virtue of my being an employee. I didn't contribute any money to that, so that doesn't bother me.

I just feel that I've been pretty consistent that I don't enjoy working and the thought of having to work to make this money and then leaving it to someone else just made me really mad, unhappy if you will.

My aunt died traumatically, alone, and with $400 in the bank and a slew of creditors.  It was very, very, sad. Very, very sad.

I will likely die alone, and I hope not traumatically.

My aunt actually loved life and had made tons of friends along the way; unlike me who gave up that ghost officially in 2015. On the friends and family front, she proved my point. Cultivating and maintaining relationships doesn't guarantee a somber death surrounded by people that care about you. So, for me I've accepted the 'dying alone' outcome.

What I had yet to consider was dying with $400 in the bank. It seemed like the worst possible outcome financially, but now I'm giving it some thought.  For if the alternative is leaving it to my brother, then it deserves my consideration.

The tricky part is figuring out my death date.

The first iteration of this in my head had me working my current job for two more years, well two years from when I started anyway. So that would be Oct 2019 to Oct 2021. I haven't fully realized it's actually 2020, so that's why I keep thinking I have two more years.

So two years at Call Center 2 (that makes me instantly happy).

That'll bring me to about 6 years of working life.

From FIRE Tracker, I may have about $225k in investments after 6 years of working.

Remember, I originally started this blog with the idea of working for 10 years, spending half my income and saving half my income; thus allowing me to rest for 10 years, i.e. not work for 10 years.

Ok... so two more years at Call Center 2.
Six years of work.
$225k in investments.
I'll be 37. 

At $20k/yr, that'll give me the 10 years of freedom I initially sought. That's 10 years for the price of 6. I can get behind that.

So, from age 37 to age 47, I could be free.

I would spend all my money or at least the bulk of it to the tune of about $200k. And the $25k would be a cushion.

So I would have to die at 47.  That's a death date of  around late (year) 2031.

Considering I've done everything I could think of doing, I wouldn't be that mad. I just don't want to die tragically.  The most reliable way, according to what I've seen on TV is a self-inflicted gunshot wound, but it seems so violent. I talk a good game, but I don't think I could do it.

I had to make the DNR call on my aunt (her wish) and it was horrifying.

Honestly, I just get the feeling I'm going to die young. I don't think the doctor put me back together properly after my surgery in 2018.  So first choice would be just to pass away in my sleep, maybe of a broken heart from missing my aunt (not that likely 12 years from now). But maybe from just sheer will (somehow seems more likely); they say our thoughts control our mind right. You can speak life; well can you also speak death?

I don't necessarily want to die of a terminal illness like cancer because it would feel like the choice was taken from me, and I think my natural instinct would be to fight back. It's like getting fired from a job you were about to quit. It doesn't feel good. You feel wronged in some way. 

The next question is could I reach $400 in the bank without panicking? I don't think I could. There would be some threshold way before that where I would panic and probably stop enjoying my freedom and join the workforce once more. Ick.

So where's the scenario where I can fully enjoy my time left on earth, without fear, spend all my money and still welcome a gentle death date?

I think I have to decide which is worse, living with $400 in the bank or dying with $400k in the bank??