Lamentations, Interview, Parents

I'm just so disappointed with the outcome of my latest foray into the job market. I know, you thought I was quitting the job hunt. And I was. I pledged 66 days to a new habit. But there was a lot of fine print.

This application is  leftover from an opening I applied for in December 2019 (I think). It was with another contracting company, so I thought the hiring process would be more straightforward.  So I stuck with it when they contacted me late in Jan 2020.

When I heard the salary was $30k more than I make now, I was a little more motivated.

The first two screens were fairly straightforward, and I was borderline optimistic.

Then that turned into 2 screen with the client. This is fairly unusual when you work for a vendor but it can happen. I'm not a fan because I have such a negative history with interviews.

Well, I had a group interview last Thursday morning. I was hoping to hear something the next day because the recruiters made it seem like the job needed to be filled urgently. As I reflect on the past year, I think that was all the jobs so I probably should no longer believe that. That was one of my problems, job hunting is like a new language. And for someone as a literal as me, it was really difficult to navigate the coded speech.

Basically with each day that passes, the rejection stings all over again. Even when they send the final rejection email, it's still going to hurt.

This is why I gave up the job hunt. The interview prep and the aftermath just totally unravels me.

I say that, but I'm still in talks with a recruiter for another position for which I know my skills are only transferable, and for girls like me, that battle is never won. I've been vacillating with just taking myself out of the running. Maybe?

This should have been over last year, but I wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie.

Parents

My mother sent me an email last night lamenting that her children were unmarried, without a home "of their own," or children. She said these were questions she wanted God to answer.

I wanted to say hmmm... no one in our family actually owns a home...the lender owns the home and they pay the lender.  No one's kids are actually doing anything that serves as some major contribution to the world, and no one's partners are all that great. Most are divorced; some have been cheated on; one just hangs around the house and hasn't worked in decades.

It's pretty laughable to me, but all I said was, it's a different time.

Voiceless
These are things that are difficult to me. Somewhere along the way, I lost my voice with my family and the world at large.

Partially because of the way I was raised; I can see a big difference with a colleague who was raised as a single child in America and boy, she can she tell a long story. In my family, love jabs are common. Children were meant to be seen not heard. Even when I went "home" last weekend for my aunt's memorial, there was a lot of unsolicited advice that was meant to be taken without backtalk.  After awhile I just said "ok, I will" and "yes, thank you."  I know it's meant to be a good thing. But I'm almost forty, and some of the advice is just really general and basic, sometimes bad and often irrelevant. Many times it just ends with "trust God." For me, I need evidence, data points, and actionable items.

Partially because of my status in society, I've felt disenfranchised and unempowered for a while now. And no amount of mantra will ultimately change that.

I think the less I interact with others, the more difficult it is. Their statements stay with me longer than mine with them because a conversation I have today is probably the only conversation I'll have for 7 to 14 days, so of course I'm going to ruminate on it and analyze every word. Whereas my conversation with them is one of many they'll probably have within an hour.

Celebrations
I actually came to write about how excited I was that tomorrow is my birthday! I'll be 36 (#almost40). Nothing is going to bring me down. I've made 2 good decisions in the last 6 months. One was taking the job at Call Center #2. Yes, I almost turned it down because I thought I could do better. Additionally, when I took the job at Call Center #2 I was supposed to be on a 6-month sabbatical that would be ending right around now. Had I stayed on sabbatical, I would currently be unemployed and panicking!

But maybe the butterfly effect is real. Maybe by altering my plans, I set in motion an entirely different outcome. Who knows, but the reality is had I still been on sabbatical and just started looking in the last month or so, I would have no job offers and been really scared.

The 2nd good decision I made was to take a week off for my birthday. What cemented this was last week after a snafoo with scheduling at work, I almost cut my vacation in half. Was I crazy?! Luckily, I slept on it and decided to take the full week off. Praise the Lord! I would have been really mad today to have to go back to work on Monday (instead of next Thursday)!