5p Check-In and Supplication

 Yes, friends, I just felt this earnest moment of trying to do something to change the outcome of this rejection. But this time it was a plea to God. I felt a little energized by reframing the narrative. For as much as he knows, I didn't reach out to him either, so hopefully he feels just as rejected. Maybe any perceived bad behavior on my part signaled to him that I wasn't that into him. This brings me some comfort in that it takes away the sting of rejection and being picked over. 

But in this narrative, we are both equally interested parties who don't contact each other ever again. If we're all playing by the same rules then he too has to wonder what I thought of him. I like this version of the story better. Every one goes their separate ways. There's no meeting at the bridge where one person is stood up.

But the thing I did is this. I went to get a hamburger for my late-afternoon picnic (inside my car). If I haven't said it enough times on this blog, I live in a not-so-great neighborhood because it's what my FIRE budget can afford. At the burger place there was a homeless man wandering around. I of course in an abundance of caution, started locking all my doors and rolling up my windows. But somehow seeing him just sit on the stoop of a nearby establishment pulled on my heart. I wanted to do something - I always want to do something - but I didn't know what. 

I don't mind buying food because I never carry much cash. Plus the cash just seems more dangerous somehow but even as I type this.... why should I care how they spend the cash. Once I decide to give it away, it's theirs. 

Anyway, I left not feeling great. I ate my food in my screened in porch (aka car). Then decided I would go back in supplication for my prayer for a mate. I can't remember why we give offerings and sacrifices in prayer, but that was the thing I decided to do.

It happens quite often that when I'm praying for something, I will stumble upon a need of 'the least of these.' I almost always never answer their cry. And I always think God looks less favorably on me when I turn a blind eye. 

So this time, I wanted to try everything to get my husband. Convert this 11th hour guy into my future husband. I muttered a few words to get God's attention and drove back. The homeless guy wasn't even there. 

Oh well. If only prayer was that simple. 

I just feel like my time is now. Why not now? 

Have I grown though? Have I really grown though? I have felt this way before. When I transition to these different phases of adulthood - new job or new opportunity, new financial milestone, buying the house- they just seem to be perfect inflection points to find a partner. 

I just want to punctuate these moments with a love event. 

Oh well. I don't know what else to say on the subject or feel about the subject. 

All my investments are down, so I'm basing my FI-dom on $400k (instead of $500k), so in my mind since I only plan to live for the next 5-20 years, I'm kind of okay financially.

And wouldn't you know, it took less than a month to get used to spending more money.

I'm spending $8 to $10 at fast food places when I usually spend $2 to $4. Even $4 was a stretch. 

My goals for this year just feel really fluid. There was love and momentarily trying to get 2 jobs to see how much money I can make. There was getting into reselling. There was the thought of letting a relative stay with me. 

Doing a good job at work is still a priority, but it's extremely difficult to feel motivated to do much more than that for a myriad reasons. 

I'm even virtually volunteering this weekend. I realized I was only half motivated to do that because of Dapple. Not in a romantic way, but just oh I'm saying I do all these things, maybe I should actually do them.

My FIRE goal was this great big daunting task that I took a huge bite out off. It's been the forefront of so many decisions for the last 4 years that without it, I'm not sure what I want.

I don't want to get completely used to this aimless side of me because it'll be hard to come back from. I think I like working towards a goal. A good solid achievable goal. 

Work doesn't exactly feel optional yet. It feels like a helmet or a springy safety net. So it's not something I'm ready to go forth without. It is the thing that makes the next seemingly precarious endeavor feel a little less scary. 

9a Minor Freakout

 I am having a little bit of a minor freakout that I didn't see coming. I wrote my last blogpost at 2a, and at 9a I find myself a bit weepy.

Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the anniversary of my aunt's death. Maybe it's the pressure of my next project. Maybe it's all these house goings on, but something is not right.

My brain is choosing to focus on this rejection. I think I said some weird things. I must have. Why do I say weird things. I even prepped myself before hand with questions to ask. I made a note to stay upbeat and positive, don't self-deprecate (that never translates virtually to people you don't know...ever!). But it was my natural defense or default state, I guess.

I'd gotten used to the text messages I guess.

Nothing bad is actually going to happen to you, MERJ. Not one thing. Nothing bad is even happening to you right now. This was not the love of your life. You didn't just divorce a man that you pinned every last hope and dream on. What you're feeling right now is a trick. You will not be consumed by this. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't murder you. He didn't even love you. I don't even really think he liked you.

You didn't know this was going to happen when you were born. You didn't know this person in November and by this upcoming November you still won't know this person.

This is just Feelings. Feelings are fickle. 

I did find myself a bit distracted in my 8:30a meeting. I find myself wanting to check my phone for a text I know won't come. It sucks. A lot. If I ever go back on the apps again, I'm definitely not giving out my phone number again. But I already knew that, but Weakness convinced me it would be different this time. I'm stronger and more emotionally resilient. False.

I immediately want to spend the $10 to change my Voice number, but I need it at least until Tuesday when my washer and dryer are supposed to be delivered. Fantasy is telling me maybe that's why my delivery got delayed because obviously he's going to text me tonight or tomorrow.  So many tricks. 

Love is easy, not tricky. 

Ghosted for the last time!

 So yes, it's been 48 hours officially and Dapple did not contact me. It stings just a bit, but I don't feel any wild desires to double check or check-in with him. An article I read last night just stuck with me - he knows the rules.

I know the movie He's Not That Into You clarified that for us however many years go, but part of me always thought I could change the guy's mind or maybe I was the exception. Or that it was different for nice guys.

But I don't know... something about the way the woman whose blog I read last night said it just stuck with me. He's been socialized the same way I have. Society taught him the same rules. He pursues and I wait to be pursued.

Part of my head-banging frustration was how much I hate the rules. But to hate the rules tacitly acknowledges the rules exist. So, yes, MERJ the rules exist. After 48 hours of no-contact, he's not coming to rescue you.

No one is. Care Free Kate wins again.

I don't think I was my best self on the date, but the rules don't change. I had a 2-month buffer to counter exactly this situation. Generally, when a guy makes up his mind about me, I can't change his mind.

I like rules. So I think this woman was just speaking my language.

I'd wondered if wanting to do something spontaneous like living in Seattle for a month would change after he rejected me, and yes, it did change. The move to Seattle was the Big Gesture Mean Brain always tries to convince me to do when I feel a rejection coming on. Like do something in the 11th hour so you don't have to feel this Big Thing that's coming.

But I don't know how it's protective. I don't know how the Wishful thinking is protective. The other thing Mean Brain does in situations like these is automatically move the last person that Rejected me to the Top Hits List. Luckily Dapple has now surpassed the last few Terribles as The One. How ridiculous! I think this is where I know my brain is flawed. This is not protective. This is where I have to activate Rational Brain. Unfortunately, it's very much a conscious effort. I have to actively try to rationalize with Mean Brain. And boy are there plenty of articles about that. 

The latest one I read is give up the idea that you had this great relationship or potential for one, I think. The great relationship never existed or else you'd be in it. It was a myth.

But here's the thing, I still believe in fairy tales.

The latest dating show I was watching had considerably older people...like people my age. It was honestly hard to watch. There's nothing exciting about people in their 40s still fumbling around in the dating pool. I just want to be like Get a life! It shouldn't be this stupid. 

I hate all the conversations and self-checking and conversations. Dating and romance and love is for the youthful. I was always an old soul. 

I like the way it plays out in fairy tales. I'm cute, you're cute. Let's talk, hold hands, and make out.

No one needs to game-play or ghost or be unkind. No one needs to be hurt or have to go to counseling to do this thing we were literally made to do.

I don't think love in its purest form should be this hard. 

I think I've been resistant to the rules because I don't think they should exist. Love is art. Love is natural and should be all consuming. Love should be easy and not like work. Love should never be like work. Why did we pollute it this way. You like a person and eventually love them. You forgive them all their indiscretions because if they love you, there's no pain in love. You know that they are not trying to hurt you. Love is all the things the Bible says it is - patient and kind and good and pure and ever lasting. But these days it's weaponized. We withhold it and use it to control or coerce each other. We fake it to use other people. Even the term love-bombing is a tactic used to manipulate people. There's bomb right in the name. We've weaponized love. 

It was the thing I wanted most but as it exists today, it's soiled. How can God not hate us. When you soil love like that, we soil all He stands for.

It is the thing I've always wanted. It's why I've lived this long. But I want it in its purest form. In its easiest form. Without fights or strong words or manipulation or even mental gymnastics. I shouldn't have to convince anyone to love me. Ever. This is literally the thing I was made for. 

But I knew and realized and acknowledge a long time ago that it didn't exist on earth anymore. I hadn't seen it. It always goes back to slavery for me. How much they must have hoped and prayed for freedom. But that just wasn't their reality.  That pure love just isn't my reality. Nothing I can do can change that just like nothing they could do could change that for them.

So you just endure.

This is state-funded hospice housing that I live in. With all its myriad imperfections. This is my reality. Hospice is where you go to receive supportive care for your pain before you die. You and your caretakers know that you won't get better. I'm both the caretaker and the patient in my case. It's where you go to wait to die. 

It's not where you go to start a new career or be an entrepreneur or fall in love or change the world or right old wrongs. It's where you go to wait to die. You eat the Jello and hope to get a few more nights sleep in without pain. Sometimes you might get to eat the Jello flavor you like the most. Sometimes you might have to eat gruel through a feeding tube. 

I'm on the Jello floor. 

Misery!

 It's freezing in the room. The internal temp inside the house is 50 degrees according to the thermostat but I think it's much lower inside the room.

I'm still feeling small pangs of sadness that I'm not partnered and my prospect may or may not return my interest. It doesn't feel quite as devastating as it might have in the past. So this is PROGRESS. That's huge.

Finally my guardrails are finally working. I was feeling bored and wanting to get back on the apps but I had no pictures on my phone or iPad and the work required to find and upload them was more than I was willing to do in that moment of weakness. Yay! 

But yeah although I'm disappointed, I don't have many more things I can change or do to self-destruct myself.

So again, progress!!

I don't think he'll ghost, but he also may not have the difficult conversation, so likely a slow fade and maybe a final text. He gets until Sunday night since Monday is the 31st, i.e. the end of the month and a natural time for things to end. I'm 90% committed to not texting him back first since our phone conversation (in the future version of this story, I'm rounding it up to a date).

If he does text, I do want to ask if he wants to move from getting to know each other to a friendship, but then part of me thinks it'll be fun to see what happens around Valentine's Day. If he gets weird or nonchalant. So I might do that - accept the breadcrumbs. Although there is some anxiety ridden antics, I might be tempted to keep the text chain going. 

Other things

The misery was last night. Although I caught one outdoor neighbor, I wasn't entirely convinced there was only one. And eventhough I barricade myself in my room every night I keep hearing all these chirps and beeps and I'm convinced there are uninvited guests all around me as I sleep, so I hide under the covers.

It might be the TV. It might be birds outside. I really don't know. Last night it definitely sounded like the smoke detector was alerting that there was a low battery. There was beeping for at least an hour but it was so cold I refused to get up and check. It didn't make sense because I thought my smoke detectors were wired. And I thought if one went off, they all went off. 

A few hours later, the beeping stopped. I mean it definitely felt like it was right outside my door. So either it was my neighbor's smoke detectors and the sound waves were distorted, or it was a very loud cricket. 

I was scared of bringing the space heater in the room but I finally just did it. It's so much warmer outside my room especially with my door closed. All the heat from the sun is warming up the other half of the house.

Yesterday I sat in the car for almost 4 hours because the sun was out and in the car I couldn't feel the chilly wind. I've decided to call it my screened-in porch. And I used to be scared when those boys sat in their car for no reason. #kettleblack

Speaking of those boys, I haven't seen them hanging in the car the last couple of days. I noticed a dad-like figure coming out of their house with army pants on. So maybe when he's around they do less wayward stuff. 

There was some dripping under the kitchen sink. Panic! I couldn't tell where it was coming from. After watching a YouTube video, I tried to tighten everything I saw under the sink and there was one nut that actually felt loose. The dripping seemed to stop but I haven't used the sink much. 

So yeah, last night was a miserable night of sleeping.

I did challenge myself with a lot of dairy filled products this weekend. My tummy bubbled but there was no violent diarrhea. Mind you, it wasn't ice cream or cheeseburgers. Just things I thought had a low content of dairy - some donuts from a bakery and Chik Fil A chicken nuggets. 

I had just been wanting donuts for so long that I finally just did it. I tried to base my stomach first with some dry French bread from the same bakery, but I'm actually not convinced that bread was dairy-free. 

What's laughable is that Friday afternoon Lowe's called to say they couldn't deliver my washer and dryer on Sunday because of the weather. At the time I was like what weather? I think it was supposed to be cold but when I'd last checked there wasn't a storm. And there sure isn't one. It's sunny and in the 40s today. 

It's supposed to be warming up this week so that makes for an exciting February! I hope it stays sunny.

I'm done with winter. 

Again I don't know if it's reaching some level of FI that's got me thinking more about what happens next, but I really want to find a partner. But I can't figure out what I want out of it. Do I even really want a a partner or is it something I think I should want?

I would honestly be fine with a good group of friends. So maybe it doesn't have to be this big philosophical discussion or decision. I have a lot of time on my hands. I have money to spend a little more freely on leisure and entertainment. So what else am I going to do? So yeah, maybe I'm not looking to find the love of my life as my ultimate goal. I'm just looking for a friend and if it happens to be a guy that would be cool too. 

But I think one of my longstanding dreams has been to find a love worth living for, but that dream has been long-shelved by reality. 

So maybe Carefree Katie was right. I'm just looking for "someone to do fun stuff with." Barf.

But is that true? I guess not all the time. 

So yes, I'm not necessarily looking for a marriage and kids and family but I wouldn't say no. 

Right now, I have a lot of free time and when the weather is nice, it'd be nice to get out of the house. That's the most basic truth of my situation. 

I dreamed up to 2 wishful goals for this year in my fits of sleep last night - find a second WFH job and gross $250k/yr and something else I can't remember. 

The hopeless romantic in me wants to get dressed up and go live in Seattle for a month. I want to date and kiss some cute boys.

But that's Magical Wishful Brain thinking. She must be high on life.  

He Finally Called!

 So Slow Fader aka The Texter aka PenPal finally called, and even that was a cluster. He asked if I would stay up later since it was Friday so he could call me. I said yes and asked when. He said 10:45p. Was I supposed to respond, okay? Because he didn't do that last weekend when I asked him to call. 

I wait almost 15 minutes and no call. Ready to delete him, once and for all, I get a text saying to call him if I'm still awake. I'm so mad!!!

I wait 5 minutes to see if he'll call. Nothing. Another 5 minutes. So finally, I call. It rings a couple times then I get a tone like a fax machine. So I try again. Same thing.

Am I getting catfished somehow?

The whole thing is weird. 

So at this point, I'm beyond losing face and just text if he's still there. I tell him I tried calling. He says it didn't ring, so he tries me again. I miss the call cuz... Google Voice. Then I try again, and finally he tries again.

So yes we talked for about an hour. Finally.

I think he is who he says he is. 

He just reminds me of every bro from college. 

I've never felt Nothing for a guy before. I don't know because it's been 2 months of 'what the heck' are we doing so I've already felt the feeling or what. 

He did say he was sensitive and when I asked Really, he said why would I lie about it. So maybe it's true.

But what does that mean?

Am I so out of touch with people that I can't tell if someone is flirting?

I'm not writing him off yet but I can confidently say I have no idea if he'll contact me again because the conversation was just that neutral. 

And I honestly think I would be okay. There wasn't the fire of that initial match with someone who might be really into you. 

He actually seems genuine. Like I might be over-complicating things. But honestly, it's very confusing getting only 1 text a day. Who does that? As the old saying goes, no one is that busy!

I mean by all indications, 'he's not that into me,' so I'm just really confused of his motives. And it's not even a legitimate emotional booty call because he sends his one daily text when I'm already asleep. 

So it's almost a NatGeo experiment for me like..what the actual heck is going on here.