Where to even start

 Right before I wake up, I seem to have the best titles and content. But I guess the time between that and making it to my home office is way too much for my short term memory.

I woke a up a bit melancholy.

I had an 11p EST virtual date last night with an Oldie from Hinge. I think he was in his early 50s. Yes, just like when I was in my late 20s, my late 30s seemed old. Early 50s seems ancient and honestly a little inappropriate.

I was having some mixed feelings when I rejoined Hinge to try to get the attention of Slow Fade 2. I think I'm starting to tease out what those feelings are. I think I feared being faced with the reality that yes, he isn't pining away from me (as his 3 week ghosting should have clued me in). But I want so badly to believe in magic candy romance. 

So I've tried filtering for him and I think he has his age parameters set for younger girls. Gross. I think this because he doesn't show up in my feed and he does show up in my burner profile's feed who is aged 34. Yuck.

But don't let the gross and yuck fool you, I'd still take him if he wanted me. But he doesn't. 

Plus the cool dream place I'd found on AirBnB is super booked! They'd had this good deal that'd gotten my attention. A Lakehouse steps to the lake and a cute little neighborhood. The more I read, the more I was interested. I even bookmarked it. Because I'm not quite as spontaneous as I want to be and I didn't have a big plan for this summer, it took me a while to figure out that I might enjoy a lakehouse getaway with or without a boy.

I just hate the feeling that I'm letting this particular opportunity in my life pass me by and I'm not taking advantage of it. I pretty much lazed around yesterday. The opportunity, to be clear, being all this free time and free money. For once I'd rather be spending my extra cash rather than investing it and even that has proven hard to do. Imagine! 

But yeah, like a human, once I lost the lakehouse I suddenly imagined myself spending magical summers there. Lazing around the lake. I even looked up purchasing a standup paddleboard. The pictures that were posted - I imagined those were me and my friends. Bonfires, late night dinners, fun chats.

Oh yea, that's not real, MERJ! For starters, you don't actually have any friends! And my hair is not lake water ready! But either way, I imagined inviting over a boy and just having this getaway together. Sigh. 

If only we could bring our imagination to life with just sheer will.

Anyway, as for my virtual date, I'm a bit disappointed that I again didn't speak up for myself. He wanted an 8p call, but that's 8p PST because my location is set to Seattle again. Ugh, that was 11p EST and I haven't been staying up that late recently. I thought about cancelling or trying to reschedule but the momentum of confrontation is more than I had to give. Plus, in my last test run, I was trying out being a Yes girl.

In the darkness, I remembered that Slow Fade pushed a lot of boundaries that in hindsight I really should have spoken up for myself. But I don't know anymore. My contention remains that I don't know the boundaries myself between agreeable and pushover. 

Oh but as for the Oldie, he revealed that he was a gambling addict. I'm so starved for conversation and attention, that I agreed to another date. I guess this is how ghosts are made. He was nice enough and I don't have the heart to confront him that I'm not interested. Although I'm not prioritizing speaking up for myself, my commitment to myself is to protect myself financially (physically and emotionally). While he hasn't gambled in 20+ years, the risk is still there. I believe everything, and I worked too hard to save this money for someone to trick me into losing it. 

I can't seem to get the attention of Slow Fade or Mormon and the Seattle Dream is like a dim memory these days so I don't know that I need to be on the app much longer.

July will be over soon and then there's August. I might start the dance class, I might not. But the fantasies of Love and starting over in Seattle are fading like the dream of being a child actress. It would've been nice, more than nice, but the reality is it just didn't happen. 

I feel okay

 Hmmm... I actually feel fine. I started tracking my moods on a couple apps. I really think some of these intense feelings might be menstrual related but since I don't have a uterus, it makes it hard to track my cycle.

Maybe I'll see a pattern.

Weekends are so hard. I really need to find something to do with them. Especially Sundays!

I got my hair done yesterday and she pulled so hard I wanted to cry. And she burned me A LOT. Last night it was hard to sleep because my head was sore. And I think she trimmed like 4 inches off. It took me like 3 months to grow that. 

I was just stewing over a bunch of stuff - not speaking up at the hair salon. And just all the trauma of getting my hair done, I think that's why I hate doing it now. It's ALWAYS a bad time, but like you just have to suffer through it because what's the alternative. It's pretty much the story of my life.  (Although, I think if I go again, I might take my own hair dryer and try to get her to use it so I'm not burned as much.)

And just worrying about confronting the neighbor because I noticed I've been scratching my car on their trashcans because they double park. So to avoid scraping their car, I'm scraping up mine! I don't want to do that.

My trip. I haven't packed well or thought about it. It's been awhile since I took the train anywhere so not sure what to expect. I need snacks for the trip and for while I'm there. Actually, now that I think about it, I might be able to stock up on snacks at the cafeteria at least for the next day. So maybe I just worry about tomorrow. Just take it easy, MERJ.

I am getting better at that slowly. Boy, money is amazing. These are the moments when having money and not as aggressively saving helps. Yay.

I wasn't sure if ...actually I don't know where that thought was going.

So there's a week between work trips. There was a 1% chance of me going to Kenya to crash a committee member's trip, but after the time they had, that's a hard no. I thought again about going to Seattle just to meetup with Slow Fade. But that's fantasy because we're not even in contact. 

I wanted to get on the app to see if he'd reach out. I don't know if I'm ready for the outcome if he doesn't. I don't want to spiral. 

Since the Seattle Decision there is some calm there as far as the decision making process, but there's also some sadness. I had hoped for a different outcome, naturally.

So I'm just managing those emotions I suppose. But it leaves me with.. what exactly do I do with the next 3 months, not even including July. I'm not complaining about the lighter workload, I just wish I could capitalize on it in a fun way. 

That's all for now. I'm kind of over planning for this one day trip, so I'll just make do with what I have unless I feel inspired later. 

The Seattle decision

So I jotted some notes down about my Seattle decision as I was getting my hair done in the torture chair. Basically, I'm not going. I want to go. I can afford to go. I have the time to go.

But if I go with the goal of developing a social life to include dating/ searching for a life partner, I'm setting myself up to fail. That can't be a primary goal. It can't be a primary goal for me because my ability to influence the outcome is limited.

I can only be myself. I can't make anyone like me or love me. So in my book, it's not an "achievable" goal. I don't know what the right word is, but it's not something for which I can take steps toward a known outcome.

Outcomes that depend on other people are not achievable goals for me.

Going the first time, I just wanted to escape NC and stop crying. I can achieve those outcomes by sheer force of will. Just by getting on the plan and arriving in Seattle, I was able to accomplish part of the goal.  

The second time around, I just wanted to go on dates; I was going to say yes to dates. Sure there was a chance I wouldn't get asked out which is why the bigger goal was to live in a city, and do city girl things, and really just to get out of the house at least 3 times a week. But I'd also been on the apps a few times to know that I would get asked out at least a couple times (by people I wasn't interested in), I just had to say yes. 

So I was able to achieve those goals.

The sheer fact of me being in Seattle doesn't accomplish the goal of making friends or falling in love. 

So I can't go. I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak and there are enough people and circumstance doing that for me, I can't do that to myself.

I committed to protect MERJ - physically, emotionally, and financially. 

When I've moved before, it's for jobs or school and pursuing a social life was a good active Secondary goal. But the default goal was the job or the degree. 

Even if I were to move over seas (as I've wanted to in the past)...the goal there might be to experience life in another country or learn to speak a new language or live life in another language. The goal would be achievable and partially achieved just upon arrival.

That is not the case with my proposed trip to Seattle.

I need something running in the background to keep me motivated. Something to do. Something to accomplish and achieve to fuel the secondary goal. 

I'd thought about trying to get a part-time job or even a full time job. I've searched Indeed quite a few times, but meh. That's as far as I've gotten. 

It's weird being completely alone

 It's weird being completely alone. For the first time in a long while, I didn't wake up with any messages or hoped for missed calls to check. I have been on and off this dating journey for about 9 months.

Honestly, this weekend, I was on and off a lot of steps moving forward. It changed just about every 5 minutes, seemingly.

One Brain is like gosh another month of solitude, get thee to Seattle! 

Another is like take this time to heal and recover. Just accept your fate and move on.

The other is like keep praying!

The other is like take time to heal and recover but then go in August and stay for 3 months.

Stay for 6 months! Stay for 9 months!

Rent a room! Rent a cheaper studio! Get a roommate!

One thing that is working is by spending a lot of time clicking and planning, the fun and spontaneity of it is wearing off so I'm down to a 20% chance of going.

Part of me tries to rationalize it when feelings get in the way. So far we are at, well... my next milestone/inflection point is Mar 2024. I'll be turning 40 that month. My job isn't so insecure as much as my feelings toward working are. 

So I'm thinking I have cash-flow for at least 18 months, so now is the time to jumpstart my life, so spend all the money and have all the fun! So, with that as a guard rail, I want to just move there and jumpstart the next adventure so I can at least try and if I fail fantastically, I can come back to Death House and let the death march begin.

I don't want to make 2 more years working a goal, as much as just trying to see how much longer I can stay in the role and earn an income.

I know I respond to fresh starts historically pretty well. At least for the first few months, I'll put my all in - getting out there, meeting people, doing activities I don't really enjoy. And then come back and lick my wounds.

I keep wanting to hope and/or pray for signs, but I'm hopelessly bad at reading signs and I gave up that ghost a long time ago. It just causes a lot of confusion and I spend way too much time trying to find meaning in things where there is none. 

I don't even trust when things seem too be good to be true because even that turns out terrible - read Dream College #1, Dream Grad School #2, Call Center #4. 

Part of the reason I think I can make it another year or so in this job is I hope I can slip under the radar for about 2 years as a new hire before I'm asked to really perform. The really perform part is what I'm afraid of. 

Some of the signs I was too afraid to hope for - if Blueground accepts my booking and if I can get a moderately lucrative ($25+/hr) part time job in Seattle to offset the costs.

I forgot about the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. But I was reminded of it yesterday. I got my ring. I slipped it on and it already brought me some strength.

I still ugly cried Sunday though. I'm just at my wits end. When I imagine the next 20 years of solitude, it's scary in a bad way. But this was always the expected outcome. I just have to decide if I can live with it and for how long. Last night I was thinking, I hope I can make it to age 45. If I count these 2 years of pre-retirement, that'll give me 7 years of pre-retirement/retirement to match the 7 years of working.

In good news, I at least went to church on Sunday, and I didn't cry. But my eyes definitely got full at the ending prayer.

This morning I did remember how devastated I was last August when I left my old team. It felt like the ultimate break-up and now I'm like meh, you probably could pay me enough to go back but I'm not searching. 

One of my mood apps likes to remind me that even if you feel bad right now, it won't always feel this way. So true! I am starting to realize these little mind thoughts don't help in the moment, but if I can strengthen rational brain outside of Feelings storm, that might be the way to go. 

Last August, I was really, really hurt. I'm doing much of the crazy stuff and feeling a lot of the crazy stuff I feel right now for whatever x,y,z boy it is. I wish I would just remember that. 

It does suck though to think I'll have to go through more of that to find love. Meh. 

I need to pack for this work trip. 

Chasing waterfalls

 I thought deleting my Google account Thursday would be the action to end these wishful feelings. It is not. Twice now, I've recovered the account - to no emails or messages, naturally.

This weekend of wishful thinking was the thing I wanted to avoid, but here I am. 

Even after not talking to me for a week and infrequent texting the 3 weeks since we last saw each other, I still want to ask the question of if he wants to try to make it work.

Oh, brain. Why do you play these tricks on me!

I've still been scouring Blueground and Zeus for Seattle short term rentals.

I'd convinced myself that before I retire, I need to actually live a life to retire from. I narrowed it down to staying more than 6 weeks. Wasn't sure about 3, 6, or 9 months.

The Seattle winter scares me. I don't feel like being wet and cold. But then I counter that with, you have 20 years of NC winters ahead of you. It'll be worth it, if you get a chance at the life you imagined.

I think just reading different blogs like Financial Mechanic running away to Netherlands after a bad break-up or even A Purple Life and the reportedly good time she had in Seattle... just makes me want to do something to jumpstart myself out of this funk.

So why now? I have nothing else to do really. I have a pretty good idea of my workload for the next 6 months and it seems manageable. Beyond that, the future I see for myself just seems bleak. There's also a good chance once the hurt from all this dating failure scabs over, that will be tough to re-enter. 

It's tough to see the Lessons Learned from my past. I don't know if it's 40 years of data telling me to give-up and settle into the life I have now, or keep going. 

There are so many realities to reconcile when you're trying to live a fantasy.

So I decided on 3 months  - Aug, Sep, Oct. The internet says cuffing season is actually Late  Fall. So actually there goes that theory. I was thinking starting in August people would want to pair up, but this little phenomena allegedly begins Oct/Nov. Hrmph. Just did a quick search as I type this. 

I just wanted to have all the elements at once - friends, a career, a social life,a boyfriend, just stability.

But maybe this is it.

Oh well.

On one hand, I'm not that surprised, I literally knew this was it (cue: gold tooth, death house, call center jobs, no hair, etc). On the other hand, why not kiss a few more boys. I mean I apparently can't do anything wrong since none of them want to marry me anyway, so why don't I use that historical knowledge to give Zero Fs.

Kinda like financial freedom. Well, similar to financial freedom, I still want to do a decent job at work.

I know that are lessons here, but I'm too wrapped up in Feelings to figure out what they are.