Friday Feelings

 The more I watch Love on the Spectrum, the more I feel I can relate to the autism spectrum a bit. I maintain I'm spectrum-adjacent.

I like rules.

I like it when people follow the rules.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules and still get ahead.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules, get ahead, and I get hurt somehow.

I've been thinking more about dating. I rejoined Hinge yesterday while watching 1 dating show. In the same amount of time it took me to get 2 matches, the burner profile (skinny-white) to 20. Ouch.

This time I didn't feel that bad because her 20 were some duds and the 2 normal looking ones turned out to be weirdos. If we're looking on the brightside, I supposed I have less to sift through. 

Thought about joining eHarmony and just committing to the 2 years it might take. But if I remember correctly, I wasn't even getting profile views when I was on there last. Why pay money to be rejected. The data doesn't lie there.

Now it almost feels like a game I have to win.

I don't know. It just feels like the time is now, primarily because I have so much time on my hands.

It feels like I should take a time out and feel the feelings and see if they're still there after x period of time.

I'd been asking myself, if the Slow Fade wasn't in the picture, would I still want to go to Seattle. The answer is a resounding NO. I was like 90% amped to go back, once I deleted my related Gmail account, that feeling faded to 0% pretty quickly. Now it's back up to like 10%. (Mostly to get on the app, flaunt, and then reject him. Do I have to go to Seattle for that though, she laughs maniacally.)

So that was telling. The data doesn't lie.

I think this morning when I was reconsidering going back on the apps (fueled by the anxious-solo-storm that accompanies the weekend), I was trying to find a way to structure the experience to help me get through it.

More on that later.

In comes another era

 I downloaded 3 mood tracker apps yesterday. They kept asking about goals. Goals, ha.

So is this life, I thought, just filling your time with random things to pass the time. I guess it is for me.

I fantasized a little bit more about moving to Seattle. This time I thought why not just go for 3 months starting in August instead of hemming and hawing. Do the thing that works now.

So tired of future planning.

I asked a couple committee members. One pivoted the conversation back to her future plans. The other was like Go and just rent your house out for 6 months. Seeing it on paper, I immediately revolted.

It felt stupid.

I don't know how I feel about that committee member. I guess she's a good reflection of me. She denounced her faith because she didn't get to be a wife and mother like she wanted. Except she did! She got married and then divorced the guy because he didn't pay attention to her. Ugh, duh, I said, that's every woman. They just don't talk about it. They just post their happy pictures of a paired life. Women carry 99% of the relationship, dummy.

I feel like it's kind of sad. I also feel like she is looking for someone to try to convince her so she can use logic and her "negative" experience to come back with so she can feel justified in her position. I know that because I'm like that sometimes.

It's barely sunup and here I am with my Feelings. I got 1/3 of the way done with taking my braids out yesterday. I still have a few to do and my arms and shoulder already hurt. Ugh. 

Seattle is quickly fading outside the realm of possibility. I may not have mentioned that a few days ago to try to jumpstart this fading, I upped my 401k contribution. I'm left with just what I need to cover basic and a few bigger expenses. I'd originally budgeted for another $10k for vacations or extras for the 2nd half of the year. But I got tired of thinking about where I wanted to go or how I wanted to spend the money. So I removed the money. #easy

I'm stalling to say, I just sent another love note to the Mormon. It's literally what I did when I was 17 except instead of emails, it was postcards. If I'm going to act stupid in the name of love, go big or go home. The plan was to immediately delete the Gmail account, but I'm trying to hang on until after 8a. We shall see.

Yeah, so I creeped on the Slow Fade. The thought, laughably, actually occurred to me that maybe he lost his phone. The way the texts just kind of stopped seemingly mid-convo struck me as odd. I mean this is Right Brain in all her infinite jest. So I quickly created a burner profile and nope, he was swiping recently. Laughable. I have too much data to be acting like this, but here we are. And surprisingly, the Mormon was back on the app! I don't know why that got me excited. I think because I thought he might have been off because he met someone. Nope! Single Pringle.

American men, and probably men in general are amazing. I'm a standard 9, I think. These guys are maybe 5 to 7s by traditional standards of beauty and they really think they can do better than me.

Then I hear yet another story of a guy who packed up everything to follow his girlfriend to Brazil after dating for a few weeks. I mean, sheesh.

This is where I get stuck. I know the romance I imagined for myself and I know the reality that skinny white is the standard. How do I reconcile. I get stuck on what I have to compromise on. I know I won't be actively pursued by the guys I want. But am I doing too much pursuing? Do I have to be more interesting than a skinny-white? I just don't get it. But I've tried just about everything. I can tell you for sure that lowering my standards definitely led to more interaction. But maybe not less heartbreak.

I don't know which one is worse being stuck in the friendzone and not even being seen as a desirable woman for years or short term dating relationships that never get off the ground. 

It's only Wednesday?!

 I've been in my head so much, I can't even keep track. My committee member that I regularly talk to is going on vacation for 3 weeks. I guess this is my natural transition into a life of having no one to talk to.

The world's longest self-soothe period begins tomorrow. Oh well.

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours.

Woke up in the middle of the night (again!) to check if Slow Fade had messaged me. I think I'm reliving trauma from incidentally the Slow Fade of Fall/Winter 2021-2022 who actually had the same generic white man name. 

So yeah, if we actually step away from the distress, there's no need to wake up in the middle of the night as the current Slow Fade texts during waking hours. Actually, the data points are so few, that I don't know. So stay in bed, woman!

By the time morning hit, I was like no mas! This is nuts. I was going to finally delete the Google account. But I am challenging myself to wait until next Wed Friday at 3p EST. I want to make double and triple sure, I'm sure. (Spoiler: I'm super sure!). Part of me kind of wants to see if there is a lazy text I can leave unanswered.

Basically, this is how it goes. Guy shows interest. Then I sense him pull away, I over-react. In the aftermath, I second guess myself (the distress storm happens). I solicit a bunch of bad advice. I get nowhere. Then I get over it. Rinse and Repeat. 

What I can do differently, is trust the sense that he's pulling away. Because this is when I start to question what I'm seeing. I start the Googling. I distrust my reaction. I feel like I have to take it. And I wonder what's acceptable or not. Am I supposed to wait 3 days to get a text? Or is it a week? Do I text him? This is where there are no rules and everyone has their own opinion. This is the grey matter that causes distress.

But hello, I already know the answer. Keep it moving! I have to uncouple myself from the idea of The One. It's Lazy and Convenient and an excuse to act crazy, act stalkerish, persist. I need to divorce myself from this harmful notion. It's risky, when it need not be. There's so much evidence to the contrary. It's lazy on my part because then it means starting over.  That's the hard part. As much as I want to be dating multiple people at once, one always rises to the top. I just can't focus on multiple people at once. So I don't know what to adjust. 

Getting new Google voice numbers no longer seems to be an option as I've been blocked recently. So we'll just have to exchange emails because those I can generate unlimited for now. And if email doesn't work for you, then too bad. 

I don't know that I need to build up my distress tolerance. 

So maybe a compromise will be Friday at 3p EST. That's a summer Friday and two days away. That leaves my weekend free. 

There will be crying on Sunday, of course. You get front row seats! Aren't you excited.

I read A Purple Life's post yesterday about Seattle. At first, I wanted to believe in Seattle again, but as I read her fun posts, I realized that just wasn't my experience when I "lived" in Seattle for 6 weeks.

I still can't figure out how to get around without a car. Walking was fun, I liked that alot, but it also made it hard if you had returns.

I couldn't figure out what neighborhoods to live in to be able to access some of the fun activities without a car. 

And finally, I'm not that politically active. I'd love to say I care about current events, but I just don't. I'm going to be like a typical American and not worry about it until it personally affects me. Yeah, I said it.

I mean other than Twitter wars and "conversations" what is anyone you know actually doing about anything. 

Then I looked at my old neighborhood and was excited at all the Meetup activities and wondered if I should move back. But then when I checked the attendee list and saw all the Target moms, my heart was filled with dread. 

I don't know why. 

I like being able to move a bit seamlessly here in hood-adjacent. I don't really want to go back to being the only black girl at everything.

I was willing to make that concession (I think) for Seattle, but not for NC. Not sure why. Maybe because I've already done it in NC.

When I look at my 3 pillars - financial, emotional, and physical stability - moving away permanently still doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense because my financial stability currently is what affords me emotional and physical stability.

Literally anywhere else I move to is going to cost more. 

There is a part of me that probably still wants to do 6-9 months in Seattle just to eliminate it, but hopefully this part will go to the wayside like my strong desire to live in Spain. 

I think what I decided for now is I'm just going to keep trying different things because what are other people if not a catalogue of lives. There's no need for me to re-invent the wheel. I think we can all agree, we're all just living different permutations of the same handful of choices - marriage, kids, career, travel, recreation, family. 

So I'll just try on other people's lives for now. 

I think this is a divorce party not just from The One, but also the Life I Imagined for myself, and The Acceptable version of Success, and The One idea of how a "good life" looks. 

My remaining years won't be one filled with joy and happy memories. Mine won't be one with a legacy. Mine won't be one surrounded by friends and family at my dying bedside. 

But mine also won't be one where I'm laying homeless on the street. It won't be one where I've been cheated on by a husband or one where my kids turn out to be hellions. It won't be one with stress. It won't be one where I die at a desk scraping to get by. 

It'll be one where I did "the best" that I could. I did all the things I wanted that I could reasonably achieve on my own. That's a lot, yo! 

And it's okay. I'm sure many of us leave life wanting a little bit more, wishing we had gotten to experience just a little bit more. For once, I'll be part of the majority. 

Is this mental warfare?

8a

 It's only been 2 days really since Slow Fade but I feel like I've been grieving for years. I'm so sick with disappointment, I could actually vomit.

My stomach is doing flips. 

I'll get through this week no problem, it's this upcoming Sunday I'm worried about.

I feel so powerless. There's nothing else I can do.

I can't believe this.

I know I'll get over this. I always do, but I won't like it.

I really feel drained. I've run mental marathons the last 3 days, that's how I feel. But where is the reprieve.

I'm torn between playing along, asking the question, or just deleting my number altogether.

I don't know what target to hit.

There will probably be many updates over the next few days.

I have to take my braids out.

It's literally the last thing I want to do.

How do I fast forward to the end.

I wish I knew for sure that I was going to spend my last 20 years alone. I mean, that's what it was like for my aunt and she was a much stronger believer than me.

I think just getting used to this life is what I have to deal with.

It's like a missing poster for Love (instead of a person). But there's no body, so you hold out hope you know. Have I found the body? 

7/4 - So we broke up (and major life lessons)

 I don't how else to call it. I'm tired of mincing words and not being able to say the thing I want to say. I think what gets me worked up in these high-risk or seemingly high-risk scenarios is not the negative outcome so much as thinking I could have done or still can do something to change it. 

My instincts have ALWAYS been right. It's the devil or Mean Brain (take your pick) that tries to convince me otherwise and there lies the problem.

I've tried so many things to Fix myself, but I don't need fixing. I just need to trust my instincts. I discovered a spiritual gift of discernment long ago, and working and dating made me doubt that. The world I live in made me doubt that.

Because just when I theorize something, an outlier or two will pop up to make me question my guiding framework.

No more!

Let the gold diggers have their day. Let the He's Not that into you convince their guys to come back. I travel the middle line. It's not the best outcome in every scenario but it's the best chance for the more favorable outcome in every scenario.

I'm just a numbers girl.

I'm not leaving situations too early! They just don't like me!

I'm not saying the wrong thing at the wrong time! They just don't like me.

I'm not running away or scared! They just don't like me.

My Brain knows before I know or can fully appreciate it. 

FIRE works for me because it's the exact solution to my money problem. That's it. It's not a solution to any other problem. I wanted to figure out how to leave the workforce even just temporarily, and it laid out exact steps to leave the workforce for good. I am forever grateful.

I have looked for exact solutions in other parts of my life and have just come up short. So I asked the internet, I ask the Bible, I ask professionals,  I ask adults with life experience and I just don't have a consensus on a solution.

So many of us look for cults in our interests - a place to belong, a place to provide structure or stability in something we are trying to rewrite from our past.

FIRE was my cult. Unfortunately, the solution was limited to just my money problem. I didn't get the belonging and community in real life, but that's okay.  I recognized that pretty early on. See some of my earlier disgruntled posts.

Anyway, the rage I just expressed in my notebook is over how I let myself get confused lately over this dating problem. The apps were not a solution. I recognized that right away but kept trying to convince myself there was no other way.

I don't want to get all into it, but I just needed to wrap my head around what was happening the last few days with this boy.

The issue for me is just this perpetual belief that it's a problem I need to solve by being cute enough or interesting enough. Did I say the right thing? 

Instead of recognizing these things as hurdles I do NOT need to jump over, I took them on as a problem to solve.  The messaging for women is confusing. Lately any problem I'd have about a boy, I'd search it as though I was a guy and the search results were grim, as in non-existent vs the millions of pages of advice for women.

It seems mostly women take on the problems of relationships. No more. Not this girl! The world can have their relationship problems. Ughhhh I knew this so long ago, it's like getting a gold star for learning how to read at age 38! Ugh!

Rebuking so much of the pressures of women has been so much of my battle cry for so long, it's astonishing that I got to this place.

See I had this narrative of my life that girls like me didn't get the fairy tale, they didn't get the life experience I'd hoped for. Then when I had 3 new data points challenging the narrative, I was confused. It must be ME that's the problem. False.

I'm so smart! I really am. But those 3 data points really shook my entire perspective. Had I been wrong this whole time?

The answer is a resounding no. I know in my heart, we only get the highlight reel, and I know in my heart their experience is not the experience I'd hoped for. It's not the one I imagined for my life eventhough I get all the highlights and pictures to the contrary.

And even if it is, the sample size is small. I have 38 years on them. 

And even still, I'm a numbers girl. See above. I choose the path of the best probability of the most favorable outcome. 

I'm starting to wax poetic with all these analogies. Basically, here is what I needed to remind myself of.

I knew definitively 10 years ago, that the life I was given was not the experience I hoped for. I'd always felt even as a young person (like adolescent young) that I was born in the wrong time and perhaps to the wrong family. But I knew when I went to professional school, I just had to accept it and do the best I can.

This is it - this is the best I can do.

The times I can recall easily being the most distressed was trying to finish my undergraduate education without money to pay for it or status to get financial aid and trying to leave the call center to at least have an enviable title (and more money). 

Those times I was trying for remarkable outcomes. I was trying to make my life fit this vision. 

That's when I get myself in trouble.

When I engaged our EAP program this year, I remember thinking it'll be nice to have support because I want to date and try to get a second job.

Those are remarkable outcomes for me.

I wanted to radically change my status quo, and it wasn't a life or death situation.

I'm not in survival mode anymore. Nothing is worth the distress anymore. NOTHING.

I've been given these remaining 20 years to enjoy retirement and a nascent life. Like living K12 over, birth to adulthood. 

I don't know how to make the best of it, but that can't be the goal. See I'm already trying even in summary for remarkable outcomes.

I don't know another way to express it right now, but I have the next 20 years. I just have to live, no remarkable outcomes.

I'll have to keep workshopping this to make it make sense. 

Basically, all I wanted to say to Mean Brain, is STFU! Stop confusing me. I was right. These boys don't like me, and stop making it seem like it's my fault! 

No more apps - that's dating apps and job applications!

Easier said then done because sometime in the confusion, I wanted to pour gas on the fire and I applied to two Med Info mgr jobs. Already got rejected from one. I'm sure I'll download an app or two before the year is over, but I really hope I don't. 

God Bless and Good Luck - that's what I have to say to myself when it seems like other people are achieving remarkable outcomes that I may have wanted for myself.

But that's just not my path.

I can discern. I am good at this.

Actions I took today-

Took my Seattle email and Voice number off my handheld device. I did forward any messages or email to My Phone's Gmail because quieting Mean Brain is a work in progress.

I think my 6 month goal is just say NO to apps - dating and jobbing. 

I don't think I have to worry too much about a contingency plan for Mormon or Slow Fade (my last 2 contacts making me crazy) because first FTGs and They Don't Like Me.

Haha.

It's so easy when you're not in an anxious storm. 

Mean Brain can't touch me if I don't do the things that hurt me. And I have a long list posted on my wall to remind me.