7/4 Sunday was dark

 Sunday was dark. It's like it just resets another week of a life I'm not quite sure of. Sundays have always been bad but the anxiety or hope of waiting for a boy to text me threatened to consume me.

Strangely just commiserating with a committee member released some of the pressure but moments later, the darkness shrouded me.

I tried to gorge on McDs but that failed to numb the pain.

I really feel like a druggie. All the things that used to help no longer take the pain away. Like I need more and more to just feel normal again.

So I have to quit cold turkey.

But as soon as the thought crosses my mind, I immediately start making plans to get back on the apps. Move to Seattle. Strangely, moving to DC no longer pops back on the radar.

It just feels like both roads have pretty neutral consequences. Remember when money used to be a factor. It's not as though I can live anywhere, but with a robust safety net, the need to aggressively save lessens.

I see now how one of my committee members freely spends. She has a financial planner that she meets with twice yearly. I think there are some psychological benefits to knowing you're on the right track financially.

I know reaching this level of financial freedom certainly has affected my approach to spending. I'm mostly all over the place, but I don't feel like I'm in financial survival mode.

Maybe I am rushing into things. I mean I only reached this level 3 months ago. I can't undo 7 years of survival mode in 3 months. 

OMG! Am I those people who win the lottery and just splurge! Except I didn't know I had a splurge list. My, my, my. 

I mean there is an unspoken timeline. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have active cashflow. 

So I'm dealing with that and just a general disregard for planning. I've lived life so planned, I'm just not feeling it. I want to do what I want to do. 

I just know if I plan it, I'll talk myself out of it. There are plenty of reasons not to go. 

I think I want to be a little carefree the next 2 years because after I hit the FIRE button as much as I want to believe I'll be free, I'll be on a fixed income and I think a lot of the habits of the last earning years will return. 

I'm just a human afterall.

So I feel like I'm wanting to give myself permission. But permission to do what exactly?

Do I need to make the best decision? Do I need to think it through and be practical? Or do I fly by the seat of my pants?

Do I give up spreadsheets?

Maybe instead of being free of work, I need to be free of the doldrum of my regular life. 

I don't know.

Remember when I was obsessed with moving to Spain. Is Seattle just my new obsession.

But does it matter if it is? Isn't this what we do now? Focus on random stuff until the next obsession hits? 

Sometimes it's getting married, having kids, sometimes it's traveling, or recreational activity, or brewing beer, or pickleball or whatever else the kids are doing these days.

Maybe staying in overpriced apartments in the name of love is my new obsession. Ha! 

Jul 3, I went to church!

 Wow! Who knows how long it's been! It depends on when you started counting. I woke up this morning, and I just went. I'd wanted to go to the one by the Food Lion but couldn't find the times online #waymish. So I searched one I'd seen before and knew it to be a mega church so I wouldn't have to interact with too many people. 

I found 2 - I went with the one with the earlier start time. 

I loosely thought next Sunday I would just try the other one just to say I tried. But we'll see.

Since I'm getting fewer and fewer readers, this feels more like a private journal (of the end of my life). So I feel I can get more personal and intimate with you all. 

The church is called Manna. It was fine. There were 4 white people at the door so I was afraid it was going to be a whites-only church. But I went in anyway, I was already there. But I had to put on a bit of a defensive stride. Luckily one of the indoor greeters was black. 

I grabbed the closest seat in the back. I was hot, it's so hot here, as though I couldn't complain enough. Anyway, I quickly was reminded why I stopped going to churches like these. After the praise and worship, we were directed to watch a screen from the main campus - which I still don't know. Well, I could do this at home!

Oh well. I'm kind of going through the motions it seems for the shell of a life I have left. I don't want to say next 20 because that seems too much. I can handle next 10. For right now, it's just today.

So by the end, I figured I can go through the motions for a little while. Maybe next Sunday, maybe just 1 Sunday in July. I hope all of July at least as part of my Totally Bummer Summer.

Yesterday I put back on the itchy ring as a placeholder. I couldn't cope with feeling "forgotten" by the Slow Fade.

This morning, I went to delete old bookmarks and clicked on one that reminded me that texting is like nothing to guys. So then I had a little bit of hope. I don't know. My mind has already been turned to the fact that this is a Slow Fade so beating myself up over trying to find the right words or moment for the last text is futile, but it's an exercise I'll torture myself with until it's done. 

Because obviously a sliver hope remains that we do fall in love, and live happily ever after. 

Anyway, the message today was from Daniel 3. I thought it was going to be the Lion's Den story, but it wasn't. It was about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It's a story I thought I'd heard before but maybe I'm starting to forget my Bible stories. That's what happens when you don't go to church I guess.

At first I was like well, Slow Fade's name is Dan, so maybe it's a sign we should be together!!

Nope. Signs are stumbling blocks for me.

The part of the story that struck me that I don't feel had been presented in a way that I recalled was that the three guys said pretty much, we don't want to die in the fire, but if you don't answer our prayer, we will glorify God with our death.

That's where I am now, I guess. I don't want to die alone and feel like I never got the thing that God says he is which is love on earth. And so if I'm not going to have that, then I do want to bow down before Nebuchanezzar's idols. I don't want to die in the fiery depth of isolation and alone-ness. But those guys, chose to glorify God with their death.

So I can do that too. 

Instead of offering, I went to Walmart and sent $1500 to my family overseas. It's an offering to them and supplication for my prayer that me and Slow Fade do fall in love and live happily ever after. Oh well.

My treat was some snacks at the Dollar store. I got chips and a bottle of Welch's sparkling grapple juice - my favorite. To celebrate my sologamy and a rededication to this single by fate life. 

Well those single moms by choice made the choice I think because they didn't find a partner in their time frame, right? I think the 'choice' part is that they weren't divorced or have a deadbeat dad.

So I guess if the empowered stance is single by choice, then I can choose that position as well.

I didn't match with a partner. 

So I choose a different path. More to come, I guess. 

7/2 - I guess I do want more

 So when one of my committee members very explicitly told me he was a Slow Fade, I refused to believe her. What did she know! He's so nice to me. He got me this cool metal straw. We had a few sweet moments. He made me dinner.

Then he sent some text messages when I was posting earlier then nothing.

I realized we've only had 1 short conversation in the 3 weeks since we've been apart. It was supposed to be left as a Summer Fling but that last lazy text just confused everything.

Oh well, I got to ask the question about staying in touch and I'm purposing to ask the question I've wanted to ask all the other app guys. So I guess I got that.

I was going to try to extend the breadcrumbs for the rest of the summer just to have something to occupy the time but I want to ask the question and it won't fit if you've been breadcrumbed for 2 months. 

I even downloaded Hinge again for all of 1 or 2 hours. Then I was like why am I signing up to be rejected again? This re-signing up to get over the last guy is what has extended this 6 months into July. The nonsense stops here.

I really, really tried. I even got my hair done! Nails done! I bought new dresses! I put on make-up. I flew across the country twice, y'all! Twice, that's how much I was committed to this. There was this Bible verse I heard in the midst of all this that said, Lord, I won't let go, until you bless me. That's what I was singing when my booking kept getting rejected.

Surely, this time something good would happen.

It didn't.

And it's okay. I'm okay.

(Tears stream down my face.)

It's a totally bummer summer, and like all the others, it will feel like the last and final. And 2023 will come and there will be another one. 

It definitely makes the next 20 years so daunting. I'm out of things to try - hobbies, friends, family, adventure, locations, home ownership, jobs, goals, aspirations. I just don't get it. What the heck am I supposed to be doing!

I thought I'd wait until the 3 weeks so I could ask the therapist what to do, but what are the facts? She doesn't give me answers. 

So incidentally, there was a ENM guy I chatted with briefly and I asked for some verbiage about Slow Fade. The Hopeless Romantic in me wants to plead my case and add a little convincing to the verbiage, but I think for science sake, I might just copy and paste verbatim what the married guy said. The thought is, this is just an exercise for me to ask the question.

I have to accept the fact that my words aren't going to change his mind. 

I was a Slow Fade 3 weeks ago. 

I think if I can handle it, I want to take my phone in my room in case he texts late tonight. I want to slurp up the very last breadcrumbs because it's all nothing from here on out.

I'll try to wait at least until Tuesday 11:59pm PST, which is a bit earlier than the generous Wed 11:59pm PST, so we shall see. 

Weekends are weird.

And so were vacations.

And all the other excuses.

So the goal is not to try to craft the perfect message. The goal is just to ask the question. The question I've always wanted to ask, but never did with the ones before him when I was in the same situation. 

Okay so it's only been a month? But it feels like 6 or 7 weeks somehow?

I don't think it's the timing. I think it's just the lack of progression. 

Giving it another week means I'm holding out hope, and that's not the purpose of the exercise. 

Either way, I've deleted Hinge. I cleared my phone of all iPhotos. I've cleared out all messages on Google voice and Imessage - this is just a general spring cleaning. In preparation of deleting the Google account I created for emailing and calling/texting, I've updated my AppleID.

So the only mission is to ask the question, await the response and delete, delete, delete!

Let Totally Bummer Summer commence!

Hey, I get to save some money the rest of the year. And figure out how to spend it later. 

All in all, how will they eulogize me. I'm sure they'll round my life up to a good life. I did the things. Except for all the days I cried and bemoaned my lot, there were some good bits. It wasn't all bad, it wasn't at all. 

I don't know when or why it just got so bad. It's when I started wanting for things. When I got to get out of survival mode. So is life just a struggle? I thought the point was to get off the Struggle Bus and arrive at a destination. But the destination is just another bus stop.

That sucks.

It wasn't all bad, it really wasn't. Even at the darkest, deepest holes, I knew it wasn't. It just... the light just always seemed out of reach. 

I just couldn't get out of the hole. As I've said before, I'm not waving, I'm drowning. 

July 2, I'm trying really hard not to blow up my life

 It's 2p, and I've run out of things to do. Remember school days when all you cherished was a free night or a weekend with no academic obligations.

That's my life, for the last 7 years.

Now what?

I thought having a partner would solve my alone-ness problem. It seems that's all people do right. They live their 30 years. Then they live 30 years doing the same thing with their kids. Then they live 30 years after that doing the same things with their grand kids.

So I figured I did the single girl thing for the last 7. I would trade in the kid for a partner. But alas, I see why people just get the kid. You can't make a partner! I always think I've outsmarted the system, but the House always wins!

I'm sooooooooooooooo glad I got that hysterectomy because this is exactly what I thought would happen. I could totally see crazy brain "accidentally" getting pregnant just to have something to do. 

Knowing this I probably should stay off the apps unless I "accidentally" end up disappeared. So yeah.

Too bad I can't accidentally fall in love and live happily ever after. If I designed the world, there would only be happy accidents. I would think it should be easier to be happy than sad, but alas I am not God.

I'm excited about my ring.

Ways I've blown up my world today:

- Stayed in bed after 12n.

- Spent $5 in breakfast biscuits that I didn't finish.

- Spent hours poring over 2 messages to 2 boys - 1 could make a case for half-stalking (j/k); the other is a person of interest for Slow Fade.

 - Speaking of Slow Fade, I have no idea what I'm doing with him. I was waiting until Tuesday just to observe how he takes the lead. Then after that, I was going to do what I wanted. But what did I want? Now that a few sources, including the internet, are telling me this is going nowhere... what exactly do I hope to get out of this? Flirty texts? A relationship? Just asking if he wants a relationship. But we already said we wanted to see each other again, just nothing came of it. Oh that's what I wanted within the first week. At least something to indicate we would actually see each other again! So far, nada. 

Then I think I downgraded...

Wait, he just texted!

Ugh. 

Happy, then sad again.

Part of me wants to wait for the therapist to ask her what to do once and for all. But how do I tread water till then? She says let him earn you. Gross. 

I will say the send and delete strategy I've been deploying for this Boy is working. I can't go back and change anything. 

7/1, 10a - Feeling better

 So I got over that anxious hump, and feeling better! Time for Totally Bummer Summer. I have no plans for anything going my way in July or the rest of the summer, and that's okay.

I give myself total permission to bum around all of July, the hottest month of the summer. And not even going to touch on August.

For July, so far, I have to get my hair done for my 2 work trips. When I was at Call Center #1, I used to think how cool it was to travel for work. In true MERJ Life, I get to take a train to work (versus a 1st class flight to a very important meeting). Oh well. #BummerSummer. #OrdinaryLife.

I'm okay with it though. Now that I know seeking (even secretly) extraordinary things or remarkable outcomes is what brings me down, I'm going to stop doing that nonsense. 

It's nice to have something to anchor July.

There are also some events with volunteering and the garden. #ILiveHereNow

And I even got to use my decision tree. A Committee Member is going on a trip to Kenya. And I immediately fantasized about going with Seattle Boy and even asking him about it.

Two decision trees in play - 1, I purposed not to try to have any relationship talk or fantasy talk for the 1st week after he came back. So I couldn't ask or bring it up.

Decision Tree #2 - I purposed not to take any more trips by myself. So, I can look for funsies, but I'm not going. 

See...that was easy! All I need, World, is a good decision tree! Just some structure!

Also, if I ever do go on any trips, when I'm stable again, Expedia is where it's at. It's so easy to just book a hotel and flight for like $2500 or less. I'm sure it's not the frugalist, but oh well. It's definitely easy. 

I'm trying out a new banking solution for the next 6 months. I already transferred 3 of my billpay accounts, so we are ready to go folks! 

I hope it works out and they'll let me update my name in a couple months. But we shall see. 

Updated my 401k after tax from 6% to 18% then at the last moment just rounded up to 20%. I figure, there aren't actually any big trips on the horizon. I didn't want to go back and recalculate what that number would be without big trips so I just rounded up a couple percentage points.

I'm not dwelling on any negatives right now. It's Bummer Summer! 

Getting those last money moves done feels good.

2 more committee members confirmed that the boy is actually a slow fade. Which sucks. But on one hand takes a bit of pressure off because there's no one magical thing that is going to make or break the relationship. Which is what causes some anxiety. One thing I am doing while I enjoy the sunsetting on this relationship is once I send a text I immediately delete the contact and text history. That way I can't stress over it. I did start taking screenshots because some of the stuff I say amuses me. Haha. 

I'm trying to hang on until my next therapy appointment to see what she advises, but I'm really not sure in this moment what I'm going to do. 

I wrote an unsent letter to the Mormon. Brain, in its infinite confusion, has elevated him to a Boy I Loved. We already know this song and dance, even still I believe her. I'm crying, I'm sad, I'm wistful. It's a little ridiculous, but it FEELS real! 

So even if I think I can handle the Slow Fade, Brain is so unpredictable, I'll have to delete that email and Voice number just to keep it in the past. I'm just deciding on when. 

I'll let him keep imitating for now.  I forgot what my other benchmarks were. I guess it matters less since I already know the outcome. There's nothing to plan for a relationship that is already ending. 

So as of 10:33a, I'm feeling good.