I feel as bad as I thought I'd feel

Remember that internal job I applied for, turns out it was a month ago now. Well, it was kind of a fishy  posting anyway, but I found out it's been filled. 

This is after just talking to the hiring manager who said I'd be a good fit. Wow, really. Then how did I not make it past the screening.

But just as how I'd predicted I'd feel so terrible and flirt with the dark place, that's how I feel. I need to get up so that this feeling can stay in this place and I can walk away from it. 

I was already feeling disgruntled about this job, but to know I have no other opportunities isn't entirely motivating. 

The emotional rollercoaster ride just never ends. 

Man! I didn't even anticipate not getting screened at the very least. I literally have the same qualifications as the woman who just left. 

I'm going to send a thank you note - do I make it hateful and say that I did apply for the opening or just let it go?

But basically now I'm just more mad and frustrated. Will I cry today?

And no one is answering when I try to call.

Mcdonald's it is. What shall I watch.

So that re-affirms that this will be my last job, and the hope that I'll get plucked from obscurity has been effectively removed. 

Sat, 7p - Same Mental Loop

Twelve hours later I'm still thinking about the same thing I was thinking about 12 hours ago, 7 days ago, 3 months ago. 

Here's what I have in my little bedside notebook. 

I sent out 2 work emails today. One was acceptable because it was a project I started when I was still churning for what turned out to be that basic bonus. The other I wish I had waited until Monday. 

Other thoughts:

Just decided to stick with it.

Work for free. 

Work and make less than everyone (stop comparing yourself to others).

Bet the catch-all for other people's jobs that they refuse to do. 

Work for free. Do More. Get Paid Less. 

It's the last Sprint. Then you never have to do it again. Burn out. 

She chose you. You're a desperate sad girl who lost her power a long time go. You will settle for the breadcrumbs of others. 

She will love my Buddy more even though she does less. You will not get your day. 

Just like Peppy from Call Center #1 and Blondie from Call Center #2. 

You'll do more but it will go unacknowledged.

Spend 100 hours making a PPT look great when a basic PPT has the same effect. 

Spend nights and weekends doing work that doesn't matter. 

That doesn't feel right either. 

I just need a plan I can stick with. 

Sat, 7a - Stuck in a Mental Loop

I think telling myself not to work on nights and weekends is actually aggravating the problem. Once I tell myself not to do something, it's the only thing I want to do. So human, right! What evolutionary biology is this?? Even work, why would I want to do work I'm not being compensated for.

That woman has bewitched me. 

I think a lot of it is because I have nothing else to do. And for whatever reason maybe I want to prove her wrong? Maybe I just want to surpass My Buddy because she has given no indication that I am a threat to her in any way? What sense does that make - to fight a losing battle? I'm confused with what my brain is doing right now!

I wish I could just ask:

Who is outperforming me on our team?

What level of output, effort, impact is expected? Who is the model employee?

I just hate being left in the dark and relying on my own preconceived notions. I like facts. I need context. I can't keep working like this. But what choice do I have? 

It just doesn't match. Is My Buddy really the model employee? How was she even trained? 

The training I received was inadequate at best. How else could I have shown or told you that the level of effort required to perform at this so called "basic level."

I wish I had the courage to walk away. I wish I had the courage to do less? I wish I had the courage to work for only what I am compensated for. I wish I had the privilege to demand answers. I wish I had the experience of knowing that my needs would be met. 

I think I'm just disappointed that my My Boss has been seducing me with her kind words and attention but it's really just to lull me into overperforming without compensation. I can't cash compliments, I say! But I do the work for free anyway! 

I have a sour attitude, and I don't know how to get the answers or results I want. 

How can I find my calm in this sea of chaos?

Why aren't I cleaning my house or my body? 

I think part of the struggle is reconciling my perception, the beliefs I came in with, what people are saying vs what people are doing. Should I believe the truth I've spun or what my boss is feeding me because they are 2 different stories? God, help!!

What's the wise thing to do?

How do I get those nights and weekends back? By trying to recompense the time and effort lost, am I just punishing myself? Are those going to be future consequences for me to navigate? 

Life as a side-chick

 So while my boss reassured me a couple days ago that my job was secure, I have now spiraled back to normal setting - nervous nelly. 

I need structure! I need to feel like I'm heading towards a direction. When your entire job is "other duties as assigned" how do you ever get good at anything. I feel like I'm an unofficial project manager for processes for which I'm not an expert in.

And my manager loves to point out other people running projects for which they have no expertise. So this adds to the anxiety. 

I'm trying to update some of my own personal finance spreadsheets to soothe my soul, but it refuses to be soothed. I can't stop thinking about work. I hate my friends (?). I hate everything.

I know my boss told me my job is secure. But some emails in my inbox make me feel like a failure or that there's some unspoken disappointment. 

Back on the rollercoaster. All I can think is this isn't what I signed up for. The thought of even being promoted to AD is sickening. I don't even like this level of managerial oversight.  Why aren't I better at this? 

How do people fake it so well? I know I'm performing at a higher level than my colleagues but why do I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Like, legitimately I don't know what I'm doing. 

I was supposed to be off yesterday and today, but I've been on the computer all morning just to be near my work email. I even tried turning off the ipad last night... that lasted until I woke up. 

I did update my personal spreadsheet which distracted me for a couple hours because I took the long route. I thought I was going to ditch 2 of the 3 budgeting apps and just stick with one, but alas one of them is finally able to load my everyday account so now I can use that app to track my expenses after all.  I need to unlink the accounts in Fidelity but since I don't really need to deactivate it since it's my employer's 401k provider, I'm going to let it be until I log on again. 

I feel close to my goal, but yet far away. I'm net neutral.

I made a plan to get out more. My city's visitor's bureau outlined some driving trails with sites of interest. The goal would be to hit up one new site per week/weekend. We'll see. I guess it'll be a default if I need something to do. I was supposed to go eat lunch at the lake today, but look where I am. 

I know I don't want to work nights and weekends, but I also want to at least keep achieving. 

I know I don't want to keep putting in the same level of effort and output if I'm not getting paid more than my teammates. But how do I get concrete data on that? Do I dare ask my boss or do I keep trying to let it go? It's been a week now. 

Here's the thing, there were at least a couple things that I didn't provide my input on (but wanted to)... and it was fine. It would have taken me a lot of effort for something that didn't end up mattering. I know that now, but I guess the tricky part is it's not always going to be that way. Or maybe it will?

I wish I could ask... can you give me an example of behavior or effort or output or impact of someone on our team who scored higher than 120 or higher than 126%?  At least anything I do or don't do won't be a shot in the dark. I can reassess if what she's looking for is something achievable for me or something I aspire to.

I think that's what helped me quit teaching. I realized the effort required to be a good teacher was more than I was willing to put forth. 

Anyway, it's hot and I'm not hungry enough for a picnic. What do I do with the rest of the day?

March 2021 Financial Update

I realized embedding these updates in other posts made it difficult for me to reference.

I'd been wanting to wait till at least 1 paycheck in March, but alas, we're not getting paid until Monday and I have free time now. 

Let's try it from Mint and see if I can find it easily...

Expenses this year (from Mint):

False. It doesn't seem to have anything after Dec 2020 for one of my accounts. 

Expenses this year (from Personal Capital): 

False. 

Expenses this year (from my personal spreadsheet):

Income (net pay, YTD): $6,200

Expenses (YTD): $1,624

See FIRE Tracker for investment balance.