feeling kind of restless

 i don't know if it's just a touch of impatience or just some kind of weird stress of all the things i have coming up...but just haven't happened yet..

or the loss of friend...

or it's starting to hit the endlessness of my days

had 2 thoughts of 'i want to be dead' in the last 2 days.

momentary, but they happened.

i'm on 20 mg of meds at this point. next stop after this is prozac i guess.

i have to spend my money...can't let my brother have it..

thinking of reconnecting with old seattle fling? he doesn't seem that interested but #secretlove

can't seem to shake that in my 40s

going to be 41 soon... can you believe it!

trying to parent myself as an approach to managing the next 18-20 years...

boy...i'm not even sure where to start...

the task is daunting and overwhelming.

maybe i just get through this day first. 

i'm the A**hole

 grrr...

i guess i'm in a place of privilege to be able to retire early.

i've already lost one friend..

i guess i'm offending others...

geez... i have to remember this...

i was sharing a discount i got on my malarone with a friend cuz they got there's more expensive...i thought we were financial friends... but she was like your insurance is superior! it felt weird... and it's sunday....people's feelings are high on sundays...#work

but then yesterday i was sharing with my bro about all my cool stuff i have coming up...he exclaimed he wanted to go on a cruise...and of course me...i'm like come!... 

but yeah it started to feel weird...cuz it felt like i was bragging...

as he's listing off all the debt he's paying..

i never considered myself tone deaf...and i 100% tried to bring everyone along on the journey and they know i worked hard on this for 9 years and they considered me a little cheap and "money-obssessed"...but my, my...how they've forgotten now that i've reached my goal...

but yeah...money makes people weird...

i knew when i went to duke and stanford... i had to hide that...

but this too...

grrrr...where can i be excited about my accomplishments...silly humans... 

but yeah, wake up, MERJ! you have less people like you...so i will just keep living outloud in my apartment...

i'm still enjoying life... it's where i can cry and celebrate i guess...

honestly, instead of wanting to keep silent... i'm going to keep living my life outloud...

haters...keep hating! 

but yeah, i'm def not having my bowling party here in Newtown...too many haters...

my primary goal, or at least one of them, of having it in maryland is mostly just to announce it to my younger cousins that this achievable!!

anyway...your girl is now "privileged"... who knew! 

i'm doing well!!

 i was happy yesterday and i'm still happy today! 

what seemed like a year filled with scary unstructured free time... is getting filled up...and i'm loving it! 

i renegged on most of my obligations for this winter due to weather and just the  i-dont-wannas and i feel pretty okay about it! 

i realized i put those activities in place in case i needed it to distract myself from the nothingness. and it felt so good to cancel on them! 

so that's what insurance is... in case you need it.

this re-framing stuff really works when your brain cooperates. 

full disclosure - my lexapro dose is now 20 mg....which is either the standard or the highest... that happened about 2 weeks ago... 

but yeah, i've been able to distance myself from these damning actions and thoughts.. you know how when you eat a cookie while you're dieting...it feels like YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED. or even the thought of wanting a cookie... make you feel doomed...

but hey, guess what, according to my counselor... you reframe and redirect as many times as it takes..

and if you need to cry...cry... 

so yeah...little stumbles don't jettison all my good progress or have me contemplating ending my life... so yay!

anyway enough of recalling history..

it's sunny and bright...and i was really wanting to go get some cinnamon rolls at this local bakery...because a friend suggested it (and i'm trying to reconnect with said friend)...but i removed the pressure and am staying in yet again...and making cornbread...and going to make some hot chocolate later!

so here are all the exciting things coming up for me...

in a week... i go to kenya!! wooot!!

then after kenya, i am planning to resign...

then 2 weeks after that...i'm having my retirement party ...wooo!!

then at the end of april... i'm going on a cruise...to alaska! (cuz that's what retired people do!!)...

and then i'm working a summer camp in california starting in mid june...

and then with that salary i'm hoping to help subsidize my fancy national park trip in september...

and then well...fall is my favorite time of the year... so happiness ensues!!

good decisions recently

- that impromptu trip to dominican republic in the midst of my deteriorating close friendship... boy was that the right call! (how do i know? i'm alive to talk about it!!)

- i'm happy that 6 months later... i still want to go to kenya... cuz you know your girl loves to cancel a plan...

i'm doing a load of laundry from my last trip so i can have my traveling clothes ready for my trip in a week!

yay... anyway... 

just wanted to share my cool wins.

oh the alaska trip is funny because... if all goes to plan with points and shenanigans..i should get what was a $1500 trip to under $200... yay!

i did it y'all, i'm free!!!

 i reached the BIG FI number in the sky!!! i'm in the 2 comma club officially without my car (and obviously not counting liabilities). 

it doesn't feel the way you think...especially if you've been checking it like a fiend since the last milestone. I thought i'd have to wait until bonus day... but it's here..

in my 40s!!!

she did it!

she did it!

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

weee weee weeee!

i'm all alone...yet again!!!

i want to tell adam but he doesn't want to be friends anymore...

as my therapist said to all my haters - they don't deserve to know how well i'm doing!

i love this for me!!!

celebrate good time, come on!

and just yesterday (well last week... i was crying ...over a boy!!)...

now i'm about to get an offer for my minimum wage summer job... go have an adventure with some grubby kids and annoying 20-somethings... but mostly i want to explore (and silently: get my weight under control...or at least my eating habits..so i can enjoy the next 20 years)...

to my future and past self---and current self--it feels great to be a millionnaire. 

it doesn't make a lick of difference that there's "no one" here to enjoy it with. i'm enough.

and i'm so happy i wasn't waiting for this moment to make any huge life changes...

thank you, strangers on the internets who posted the financial journey...you have SAVED MY LIFE.

i am financially stable and secure and confident.

it's the emotional and physical i have time and resources to make room for and focus.

i will try to walk outside tomorrow...maybe...

that trip to the dominican republic and other life updates

 so i was having a few blue days in a row...and by the 3rd day of crying and cold gloomy weather outside... i bought a trip to the dominican republic! 

this moment brought to you by FIRE!

one of my close relationships is ending and it made me very sad

going to the dominican republic put some distance between me and that sadness

it worked because i did not cry on the trip (except for during therapy) and got some nice sunlight and invisible-people time... i got to be lost in the vastness of others...

got meals and cleaning taken care of...yay.

it worked!

when i told my aunt about it...she seemed surprise...joking...like what could possibly be bringing you down (ie, since you're not working)...

so it got me thinking...

FIRE solves for financial instability or financial insecurity

i still struggle with emotional and physical challenges...

so yeah, emotional stability may be a lifelong struggle...and that's okay... financial stability helps ease the suffering...

seeing someone else post about adding some suffering to life made me rail against it..until i realized it's a part of life...and unfortunately something most of us have been programmed to accept to the point that we often times add it to our lives - consciously or unconsciously...

so yeah... that controlled burn/suffering i have decided is a part of my life...for now..

anyway... i'm now tasked with planning my retirement party...so my brain is a tizzy..in a good way... i have notes everywhere so i need to get it all in one place...

also...yay, early retirement!

even retiring in the winter has been fun..just the right dose of suffering...in the form of gloomy weather... i felt very accomplished driving from the aiport after some snowfall..

and got some snacks..

life is good again.

it's cold but the sun is shining!

i think i just got played

 am i being gaslit?

my neighbor has been acting super suss since thanksgiving and now i'm affirmed that i'm not crazy. i want my key back.

grrr. it's a little sad because i had a great friend for a year, and now...look at us.

should i move?

that would be interesting.

i can move to the balcony apartment. but why am i giving up cushy price for some dude. he can move.

it's so funny because he was the one that pursued me and would always joke that wherever i went he would follow.

but then something changed.

is it because i reached FI? is it some latent jealousy?

and then some old white guy was saying i "collect countries" because he pretends he knows so much about a country because they research and acts like an expert... you're still staying in a hotel and doing touristy things. 

people are annoying. 

i had the best year

and now it's over just like that...

mental flu

 that's what i'm calling it...

i'm on a slow train to despair

i think i'm having a depressive episode

particulary precipitated by contacting an old love interest

he responded

but not with undying love

it turns out that's what i wanted

i decided to give it 2 weeks...like the book says...then 2 years...

who am i kidding...i've given it 2 weeks before...

oh well...

i decided to just call it mental flu to reframe it...yes when i have the flu...i feel like dying too..

i'm dying internally of embarassment??

i don't know why i feel like dying...but i do..

perfectionism? this isn't the outcome i hoped to achieve

loss of control?

i'm at a loss

doesn't help that i'm in this gray space with neighbor...sometimes i feel okay in solitude...and just decide for myself that we're just friends....and other times i get confused...

i don't know what i want...truly

but i do...i want to be free from obligation and needing other people to feel secure..

i have reached my financial goals...

now is the internal work part i guess...life is endless...

i'm giving myself 10 days to recover from this mental flu and then reassess...

cancelled my hotel booking to see tiffany haddish...

oh and um... i saw mariah carey!!! i let this boy-fiasco totally overshadow that!

sunny and free

 admittedly when i have a day like saturday where i just slept all day, i can't help but wonder if i'm just one step away from falling into the pit of despair. then i overcompensate with a surge of energy to plan out my life.

today i woke up happy; it's in the 70s in early february. it's sunny and breezy and the sounds of downtown noises are welcome. 

i'm just happy. 

so i wanted to note that.

i'm going to las vegas tomorrow to a concert and well...that's exciting.

my apartment is a mess and i'm still happy. 

my aunt i think is having some unresolved feelings about my financial success. and free time. she keeps going on about accessing her social security and what she's going to do after this job. she said i was obssessed with money. ha. who isn't?! i foresee me being the target of some backhanded money related jabs. i've seen it all my life with her more financially successful sibling. she is trying to commandeer my free time since i have so much of it.

you're not entitled to it anymore than you are to my money. i worked hard to earn that. so we shall see. made me go a little digging on the internet about jealousy from family and friends about your FIRE success. 

a lot of the mentality is not to talk about it. well that ship has sailed! but that sucks to have to live in hiding once again. i struggled to explain my job when i had a job. who knows what i'll say when i retire. ha. 

oh well. still not feeling down. just have to re-commit to my structured solitude and leave the door open for those who want to enter.

between therapy and reading people's online journals. no one has it all figured out. you have to re-frame and re-start as many times as it takes pretty much..forever.