Wed, Jan 4, 2023, Reflections and more

 I've been writing this post since last year; during my vacation; on the train ride back; and my sick bed for the last 5 days.

There's so much I want to say but so much of it has already been said. 

My life in NC is simple, boring, simple.

Another relative died in their early 60s.

If I died in my early 60s, that won't be so bad.

Sixties is the age where people die, I guess. Some people die in their 90s.

You live, you die. There's nothing to figure out.

Maybe it's simpler that way.

No looking for meaning, purpose, passion.

Sometimes you just live and then you just die.

You don't have to have a retirement plan or annual budget.

You don't have to get your finances right.

You don't have to reach career goals, or weight goals.

You don't have to have relationships - with your kids, a spouse, a partner, a parent. 

You don't need friends form college. 

You don't need college.

There doesn't have to be the best four years of your life.

You don't marry your best friend.

You don't even have to have a best friend.

There are no wedding dances or first kisses.

There's no retirement party. 

You make a wish list and sometimes you get the things on the wishlist. Sometimes you don't. It doesn't matter in the end. It just doesn't. 

Maybe the wishlist is a prayer. Maybe it's accomplishments. Maybe it's tenacity. Maybe it's race. Maybe it's privilege. Maybe it's just a wishlist. 

Who are you wishing to?

The same way I was able to witness my family as an experience separate from me; their brand of Christianity as an experience separate from mine; I can witness life as this thing that happens. More and more I am affirmed it's a conveyor belt.

The secret I found is not trying to convince anyone else of my viewpoints. That's where I was getting stuck. I don't need to share any more secrets. No one's asking.

It's just so weird how connected we all aren't.

It was all a fantasy all along.

Outside of religion and popular media, this idea of connectedness doesn't really exist. If it did, it doesn't anymore. Not in the granular level I was led to believe.

Sure we eat animals that eat grass..that ...whatever the food chain is.

But Billy Joe in Arkansas will never know Bali Jain in Indonesia no matter how many butterflies die.

And it doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter. So it's my divorce party of sorts. (But where was my wedding though?)

But these days, there are no invites to my parties. No one needs to come for it to be a celebration.

I am truly alone. It's not my preference.

It just is.

I float along, daily.

Do I move somewhere else?

I never did get my housing expense down to $500/mon.

Can I really live off $20k/yr? Probably not. I won't be able to travel. Did I ever want to?

Of the choices presented to me of what people in my immediate surroundings do at age 40: raise a family; be married; pursue a passion; divorce; focus on career; or travel. Travel is the least sucky. So I'll probably do that.

I saved a bunch this year. Yay, me!

I spent a bunch too!

I hate being sick. It feels like it's my fault. The misery. But I count down the days. I should be fine in 5 more days. If I didn't have 2 deliverables due, this would be okay.

I wonder what my workload will be like in 2023.

I think I'm going to Egypt.

I got turned down for 7 credit cards, now I really want a travel card for the travel insurance.

Last year I had a burning desire to go to Dubai. Before that it was Spain and Portugal. And a husband and FIRE. And college.

What happens to unfulfilled burning desires? 

It's just so funny, I thought I would just die if I didn't get these things. Maybe I did. Is this hell?

With 40 years of many burning desires, you can only laugh at yourself. 

Even managing my finances seems boring this year.

I don't want a husband anymore.

Life just is.

Feelings just are.

You eat your fried chicken sandwich, rub your belly, and watch the clouds float by. Forget the sun, clouds are cool.