Jan 6, 2023, The thing with burning desire

 I'm onto you, Burning Desire. Over the last couple years I've had these really defining moments of Burning Desire. We all know by now of my burning desire to end my life. Then it was to be married, have a husband, teammate, life partner, relationship. 

I even put that in my vision statement for 2023. In this moment, my only burning desire is to be able to breathe tonight while I asleep. I'm too aware to know it's not going to happen to even wish for it. 

Work was actually ok this week even though I was terrified of missing most of it.

I still have a ton of stuff to do and no desire to do it.

Anyway, as for burning desire. It's just so funny how it has fooled me in the past, but now that I am calling it out, it's almost silly.

I had the Burning Desire for FIRE, which of course is a good thing and I still want it but while on the journey, it just burned me to my core how badly I wanted it. I don't even want to read through my old entries on how much suffering that was. It was just so hard to wait for it. 

I'm just so confused about all the negative feelings I had over the last 2 years (and longer). But especially combined with FIRE. I think it just seemed like such a ticket out.

So burning desire to be a Medical Information Manager. Burning desire to live and move to Seattle. Burning desire to go Dubai. 

Even Egypt a few days ago.

Honestly, not burning, but definitely lukewarm desire to quit my job rather than face doing these next 2 projects.

Having gotten sick on my last travel, I don't have a desire to ever leave the house again. Ten days of torture is enough. I'm on Day 7 and I've had enough.

I'm so looking forward to getting this work done and moving on to the next thing.

I can't believe we're 6 days into the new year already.

I'm really glad I have a flexible job.

I stumbled upon a podcast called friendsonfire and it's been nice to hear people actually vocally talking about FIRE. I don't get to actually hear the conversation audibly when I just read. 

It's nice to hear words.

It makes me wish I could have weekly conversations about personal finance, really life in general. I'm jealous I never made a friend like that at work. Oh well. 

Oh, one thing I've been meaning to say out loud.. I'm a woman living with depression. I've been in denial for awhile but hearing Mrs. Frugalwoods talk about her relationship with clothes as a sign of underlying depression made me think about my situation.

All these milestones I've been trying to hit - maybe related to depression. We'll see. 

Identifying as a woman living with depression, I can see the value in person-first disease naming. I'd rather be a woman living with depression than...'I'm depressed.' It feels so total. 

I don't know yet if it'll stick. But being able to say, hmmm I'm having a depressive episode and counting the days somehow seems to be a coping tool. 

I think this idea of watching my life as an observer extends to observing my mental state. 

So like most things, I don't have a cool friend to have a weekly podcast chat with, but I have a therapist I pay that will talk to me weekly. Money solves problems.

I can't believe I have the next 12 hours of trying to breathe with no open nostrils. And I'm sitting completely up so that idea of blood rushing to my head when supine is bunk. Nighttime hits and the congestion comes with it. 

I guess I have nothing profound to say after all.