Made it 4 days without crying

I'd made it four days without crying. Then yesterday was a slow day at the call center (where I work), so I started running some personal errands online.  One of those was fixing a death benefit payout for my aunt. The plan administrator made the check payable to her estate due to my aunt filling out two different forms for her 2 different plans.

I think what my aunt filled out is correct, but the plan administrator is saying they only want to honor the last form she filled out which didn't specify beneficiaries for her death benefit. It was so upsetting that I had put it on the backburner. Yesterday, I decided to follow-up. The first lady I talked to at her former employer's stated she was not getting involved. I spoke to two people at the Plan, and they looked into it and said they'd check back with their compliance department but then ended the call saying compliance had already looked into it and more than likely the 2011 form would apply. Basically, nothing would be resolved.

Knowing the discrimination she faced working for this employer- I mean, even when I call in, they still refer to her as a him - it just frustrates me that even in death, people are still mistreating her.

Then today was more frustration. And I just had a nice cry sesh not too long ago. I mostly just regret that she died alone and I could have been there. I regret not doing better.  It would not have killed me to move to Florida as she would have liked. Or even have her come crash at my studio, or even get a 2 bedroom apartment as one of my relatives suggested. I was so steeped in my sadness and self-comfort that the woman who sacrificed her best years of life and finances to take care of me died traumatically alone in a crappy hospital bed at a dingy hospital.

After seeing how easy it was for one of my cousin's to have a memorial service for her at the retirement home and hearing how my aunt had thrown herself a birthday party in that same meeting hall, why didn't I throw her a 70th birthday party? I KNOW FOR A FACT SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT! She loves people, parties, and surprises. But no, I was so caught up in what would bring me comfort and my own sadness and limitations to step out of myself and do something for someone else, for her.

It was like I had an inclination of what to do, what she would like, what the right thing to do was, but I rationalized myself out of doing it.

I can't move to Florida - it's too hot, it's too many bugs, my crazy cousin lives there, too much drama, the rent is more there and I'm trying to FIRE.

I can't take care of her - I mean I'm not a nurse? If she needed anything, she would still have to call 911; we just don't get a long that well; I remember saying you can care about someone but that doesn't mean you should be their caretaker; her needs are too great; I can't be her nurse, companion, housekeeper, and her niece at the same time.

I tried to buy a house here in NC that we could live in together - it was not in my FIRE Budget; I was so focused on the money; I figured she gave everything to me and God never gave her paradise on earth, so why should I risk it, but maybe I was supposed to be her paradise.

I failed at the surprise party twice - the first year my aunts (her sisters) for different reasons couldn't make it; the second year she got sick and it didn't seem like a good idea or I just gave in to other people not wanting to commit to it; it just seems like when the going got tough, I just backed away.

The trips she wanted - she'd say I just want to go somewhere, I'd say where; I'd convinced myself she was too sick to travel; we couldn't go to Hawaii because she couldn't really walk on sand and wouldn't get in the water, so why spend the money; when she wanted to go Germany, I said save your money; when I went to South Africa, she really wanted to come, but I just wanted to be alone and get away; the Israel trip - just never happened, I had unpredictable gyn problems, I thought there would be time.  But mostly I prioritized my needs and wants over things that would have added a little joy to her life.

I'd say to myself - if we had a family home that she lived in, I'd move in a heartbeat. Because that would be easy.  But lots of people sell houses to be closer to loved ones, I just had to move out of my studio apartment.

What if she had phoned it in for me? I could have been living on the street, homeless, uneducated, damaged, broken.

What other lies did I let myself believe to get out of any real responsibility - I can't stay more than a few days; I feel like a child around here; I'm too sad to help, God understands; I've lost my voice - God would not have let that happen if he really wanted me to advocate for her; her doctors will take care of her; the aide will help her; she at least has people her own age at the retirement home that way I don't have to be her everything.

Basically, since my aunt's passing, I realized that the love she had for me didn't look like what I saw on TV so I didn't recognize or appreciate or reciprocate it when I had the chance. I finally got a house the two of us could live in - it still doesn't have a bedroom downstairs, but we probably could have made it work; so much of what I've done she'd be so proud of; I would be asking her for help for so many things; she would have loved to help me set it up, buying me all sorts of things to make the house a home. Coming into adulthood, I would deny her role in any of my accomplishments - I studied and got those grades; I got into college; I did this, not giving her full credit for providing me a safe, happy home, and her full support.

Now that I don't have it, I feel more alone than ever before!