But this morning I woke up grumpy and anxious and sad. And I'm not quite sure why. I know something is not quite right when I actively engage in my doomsday habits. I haven't brushed my teeth in a couple days; yesterday I refused to draw the curtains; I ate cake after 8p. I have this permanent scowl on my face; I started compulsively searching on Indeed for new jobs (didn't apply to any, but came close).
I have a brand new roof over my head; I have my job (which requires so little of me); I have plenty of food.
What is swirling in my head right now?
- I haven't been eating that healthily, mostly just what I want = fat and sugar.
- I might be a bit constipated.
- Contacting and waiting on HR to update my address with Benefits Administrator.
- Thinking about contacting HR about my WFH stipend.
- Filing Amended taxes.
- Figuring it out.
- Printing it.
- Writing a check/money order.
- Going to the post office to mail it.
- Waiting to see if it's accepted/rejected.
- Dealing with it if it's rejected.
- Figuring out how to withdraw the excess HSA contribution from 2019.
- Waiting to hear back from Wespath regarding my aunt's death benefit.
- Them giving me even more pushback regarding who is actually on the beneficiary list and trying to figure out how to honor aunt's wishes there.
- Just the impending doom of another fight with them (Wespath).
- Do I tell the mother of the deceased beneficiary? I don't feel compelled to really share the money with her or her other kids. I'd rather it go overseas.
- Had accepted the tacit rejection from the latest Big Pharma interview, then got a check-in that said my candidacy is still pending (i.e. still no job offer).
- This recalled old rejections that started out this way.
- Which I often feel compelled to counter with more applications = vicious cycle.
- I've been dealing with this same recruiter since January 2020, and with this company since Feb 2019; why can't I cut them loose!
- So now I'm back to Anxiety Square One.
- Is the friend I was trying to shake off brushing me off?
- Why has my other aunt not been as responsive lately?
- Should I still take my 2 days off this Thursday and Friday considering our workload is so low or just tack it on to my October vacation?
- Am I really going to Spain in October?
- If I get this Big Pharma Job, that'll be 2 free days off!!
So, naturally I'm going to do nothing. Probably eat some more fat and sugar; turn a blind eye to pending tasks; and wallow in self-pity.