Wed, early morning check-in

 So what happened?

Well, I went to the airport to try to fly standby and there were no seats. So, I tried. I'm glad I did because there have been no work emergencies to attend to and I would have been kicking myself had I not tried.

It cost $40 and I almost took the bus, but I was like whatevs. Who cares!

Of course because I'm still me, the optimal situation was going to be to drive that way I don't have to pay Uber twice. But I'm really not trying to plan for all the contingencies, so my default these days is just plan for best possible outcome.

And if that fails, then the next convenient one. 

So I rode back. The ride was a Tesla so that was nice. Both cars were pretty nice. I've ridden in some clunkers!

I love not having to assign meaning to anything. This isn't God or Karma or Faith or any magic. I went to the airport. The flight was full. I came home. Facts.

I did realize on the way that I didn't have any dress shoes packed. But given the effort required to dig out some dress shoes, I'm going to stick with my dirty tenis. Oh well. I was really excited about the party though.

But I think I'll just eat the remaining snacks I have here.

Maybe I'll get some Chik Fil A at the airport if there's time.

Check-in was pretty mild this a.m. I'm hoping it's the same this evening, but hard to say. 

Also, I updated the clocks on my laptop and calendar. I am a bit concerned that Outlook will send the notification that the time was changed for calendar invites and that my email will be stamped central time, but it was kind of driving me bonkers keeping track of all the time. But that might be because I was trying to run a shenanigan this week.

We'll see if it presents an issue in terms of me slipping under the radar. But at the end of the day, I want to do what's best for me.

We're all out here for each other.

I'm not sure why I'm still waiting for this visit to confirm my plans, but I am.

I am excited for next week though. Eeek!

It'll feel more official one I touchdown in Newtown and look at my new apartment. 

This is happening people! 

Wed check-in

 With so many things in flux, I might have to resort to doing these daily check-ins. Prob twice a day.

How was your day?

- Learning some lessons from all my friends that are parents. I am going to lovingly parent myself. I'm a single parent. I am getting ready for back to school. I'm going to plan a Back to School Bash aka Cabo. Get some new sneakers. Get my hair done.

I will go on some fall trips. Take a family trip. Have a Christmas vacation. 

I'm going to sign up for some extracurricular activities. Yay!

I am digging the back to school theme.

I need to make all my appointments. 

I'm excited I have some leads for all the things I have to do.

So next Tuesday will be a busy day of appointments and errands.

Y'all! I booked my trip to Cairo last night. I had a moment of celebration and I just did it. It was under the target price and I thought why not. This Newtown trip is really happening. But really, the deposit was $300 and I don't have to pay the full thing for another 2 weeks. I thought that was a fair gamble. Ad honestly since June, the prices haven't changed much. 

I was going to wait for another sale, but this is good enough. 

And after sleeping on it, I think I'm going to go ahead and get the travel insurance and cancel anytime policy. I'm unclear what my credit card offers in terms of protection. Especially COVID. I should probably read that. 

But yeah, that's my big news.

And late last night for an extra boost I checked out Reddit comments on what people were reporting for how long it takes Lexapro to work on their anxiety. The general consensus was around 6 weeks. I really hope so! So I marked it on my calendar. It'll be right around the time of my move. So it just gave me more fodder to keep doing this back to school prep.

And I'm going to try to stop beating myself up for feeling all these negative feelings. That's like punishing myself for being short. I can't help it. I didn't do it to myself. My body did this.

I think ...I'm feeling more amped to just forget people and things. Birthdays, memories, this deep desire to help. Nah, those days are gone. I put everything I could into people and was sitting ready and waiting to help the last 40 years and bleh. 

I don't know how much longer I'll live but I am fine renewing my lease on life for at least another 6 months. (This is a far cry from my best day on Zoloft where I was like sure what's another 40 years. Oh well)

Anyway, that's my update.

I decided to try the standby flight because I want to make it to the party. I finished my work, and I want the reward.

Yeah, it'll be a little nerve wracking working that remotely, but oh well.

Also, I'm going to Cabo. I just decided why not.

And I was also able to make my next reservation yesterday. Which is nice.

And also... I already forgot! Oh well. 

Oh I know! There's an all staff meeting in Sept. And we've been requested to attend on site. Considering they wouldn't approve travel for a training without a fight. I have a hard time believing they'll approve travel for just a meeting.  

A little sprinkle

 Yeah, still grieving the misplaced hope in Last Boy. Admittedly, there are fleeting thoughts of just ending it. Gosh, I wish I had let the year pass by so I'd be over it. But would I be?

I uncovered all the stones.

I really hope this medication kicks in soon. I was very tempted to just burn my stomach off and get back on Zoloft again. Just for some relief. 

What I did today that's an accomplishment:

- Put in a full day's work on 2 documents

- Responded to Bruno

- Kept in touch with my Reg Lead

- Looked at photos and got excited about Cabo (it will be too hot, but I will also enjoy myself; I'm going darn it! It'll be my reward for getting through all of this.)

Looks like I'll be busy every Sunday in August. That's okay. Because I will really enjoy Labor Day.

I'm excited to sign up for dance class and stuff. 

Now that my document is all but done. I'm really thinking of trying to fly standby tomorrow if possible. I didn't want to be in the air while my document was going through a workflow, but I'm feeling frisky. 

And the Reg Lead already gave it her blessing, so I feel good about that.

I'm glad I worked on it at all. That feels amazing! 

I was able to update my reservation in the Rental App. And I decided not to drive to the 3rd Pit Stop on Sunday. It just felt like too much because I will just be coming back from Newtown on Saturday. Which means I'd pretty much need to be ready to go today. This building is nice and the next unit has a balcony. And I think there's a park nearby.

Which did make me wonder... do I choose a balcony over in-unit washer and dryer? Yikes! The price was just better. Hopefully there's outdoor space nearby. Oh well.

Since I know now that I'm not more powerful than my anxiety and it is best managed with medication, I feel both powerless but also like...oh well, I don't have to try so hard to manage it. This is bigger than me. 

But boy it sucks... all the negative feelings on replay:

- Last Boy

- The job I didn't get

- Life in general...

So yeah, I'm feeling more motivated to make it to this party tomorrow night. We'll see how I feel when I wake up. I'm all packed, so that's good.

Also, great solution in actually making sure the sliding door is latched. My gosh! This train is loud. I feel like it's running through my heart and throat. That's how grating the noise is. Thank goodness for whoever invented double plan windows and doors!

Also, I'm so glad I've been putting up with hoisting my rolling car in and out. It's made the move-in much smoother.

But yes friends, I've made another countdown. It's financial for now, but I know the backdrop is end-of-life. I wish the news were different. 

This medication is not working

 There was crying yesterday and a few sprinkles this morning. Oy. It's hard to fight through this when I could just be medicated.

I see now why people eat a bacon with a side of statin. That's why I love being American. Don't lose weight, just buy bigger clothes. Get a motorized scooter.

Who cares, in the end. 

I am feeling naturally overwhelmed and anxious because I have work due today and tomorrow and the rest of this week.

I wonder, now, if this desire for FIRE is just an outlet for my anxiety. As soon as work is due, I just start counting down the days. I got out of the last 2 positions that were causing me anxiety, but it's creeping back up in this role. 

If God was really looking out for me, then maybe this is the best role out of the 3 for my last job. Although, Call Center #2 wasn't too bad in terms of down time. 

I wonder how I would look at work differently if my anxiety were better managed. 

I wonder how I would experience life differently if my anxiety were better managed.

And what do I do knowing it might not get there? 

I might be glorifying those really good days on the meds, but they were really good days. 

Even now, I was looking at pics from Cabo from my colleague and started to get worried about the heat. What if it's too hot and I can't enjoy myself. 

In other news, I made the right call on not doing anything too suss on my expense report. My line manager is out on vacation and the report got tossed to his manager and she is looking at it quite closely. Grr. 

I did a thing!

 I messaged Last Boy to accompany me on this trip this weekend. I know it's a No, but I just couldn't help myself. Grr.

What do I respond when he says no?