Mon, Oct 31, 2022, Ugh, this again

 Dear Diary, 

I feel like my life at times is a loop. There's a lot of good things and bad things I can write about. Sorry, I've been missing for 2 days. 

Friday was fun. I went on a date with a guy who was MUCH better looking in person. But his pictures and the fact that he was a divorced dad made me go into the date with low expectations. I was a frumpy mess. Luckily, Logical Brain was like at least wear the makeup and earrings. 

It was nice and chill. He effortlessly paid because he had an open tab.

I went home then met up with Eve afterwards. We ended up at a backyard haunted house that actually ended up being a pretty chill evening out. 

That was Friday. Saturday, I ended up contacting Dan and we met up for lunch. When the bill came, he asked if I wanted to split it. And with shock and horror, I said No!. I meant to say No, thanks, but I'm working on that.

He was a bit annoyed, I could tell. Oh well.

I still want to be with him. I couldn't come up with a good agenda of what I wanted out of the meet, so I just went with just to re-establish a connection and give him a way to contact me should the need arise. I gave him a compliment. I said I took his advice about something. I tried to reminisce about an inside joke. I tried to convey that the door was open, without coming on to him strongly.

Sean has accused me of that over and over, so I'm self-conscious about it now. 

And then I just messaged him (Dan), kind of to again share an inside joke. I 99% expected him to refuse, but was hopeful he'd be my knight in shining armor and offer to take me to the airport. Fail. Oh well. I thrive on rejection it seems. 

But at least he responded, politely. Still not sure why he didn't respond to my previous messages. 

I do kind of wish I'd left it at the lunch so it could leave him wondering a little. Oh well, stay focused. The purpose was to ultimately give him a way to contact you.

Right now, I'm thinking, wait the 8 weeks. If nothing happens, then next summer, I will be the one proposing a FWB relationship. Glutton for pain. 

I'm a little shaken and annoyed, to be honest.

I was just kind of getting used to the Meetup groups and saying okay, this is just a hangout. No one hooks up. But I'm pretty sure the organizer is dating one of the attendees. And when Eve was there on Saturday night, 3 guys got her number and have already asked her out! 

So when I wonder where I got my romanticized notions of what dating looks like, it's not from Disney movies. It's from real life! It's just not my life.

Sigh. 

So here I was trying to protect Sean's feelings and not reveal I'm on dating apps, but he had no problem telling me he's not interested. Ha! 

Well my small victory there is that he asked again if I wanted to pay for a part of our date, and I said, "I'm not paying for anything." So, I got to work on my delivery, it seems. Haha. 

A better answer is, No, thanks. Or I don't want to...It makes me feel like...

Anyway, this Seattle chapter ends today. I started removing a few Meetup groups this morning, but the Turn every leaf part of me is waiting until I get to the airport to remove the rest. 

I've done what I came to do. Spent a lot of money to the point that I couldn't even make sense of it all.

When I get back, it's mostly focus on work. Unpack hopefully soon as I land, and get back to my ordinary life.

Haven't really broken the news to the few people I've hung out with more than once, but I can't be bothered at this point.

I can already feel my heart turning cold again. 

I'd love to say next year, I won't get back on dating apps again, but it's like applying for Med Info Mgr jobs. I just can't seem to help going after what I want. 

Fri, Oct 28, 2022, A tale of two boys

 Dear Diary, 

It's 6a PST, and I'm awake. Although I lamented briefly about waking up this early, I adjusted okay. I'm up typing this aren't I? I think just that 5a wake up time really messes me up for the rest of the day. Strange what that extra hour can do.

Today's tasks include:

- Completing my timesheet

- Finishing up some of Valerie's tasks

I finally got a 3rd date scheduled from the app. We're going mini-golfing! I decided even if he bails or doesn't show up, I'm still going to do it myself. Lately, there's been a series of bad behavior from app guys so I'm a little wary about this date. 

I'm still on the fence about whether I'll do online dating again next summer when I'm back in Seattle. 

Anyway, Sean wasn't paying very much attention to me last night, so I ended up messaging Dan. Google wouldn't let me sign in because they said they noticed bot behavior. Old Me would have thought it was a sign not to message Dan. But since I don't believe in signs anymore, I verified my account; signed in; and messaged him.

He responded!

I think he's okay to meetup. I decided if he wants to, I'll definitely sleep with him. My hope is to use protection (even if it's not latex-free) and not do anything that's not protected. But we'll see. We know I'm weak with him and want to use my vagina to make him fall in love with me.

My initial text only asked for a meetup as a friends, but I know he likes to push boundaries, so I'm hoping he'll want to hook up. 

While being with him physically will be nice, the goal here was just to re-establish contact. If I were to fantasize for more, I hope to have a rendezvous later this year, ie go to Hawaii or some other warm destination over winter break. Ideally, I want some options for a summer fling next summer in My Perfect Year. 

Although we already slept together, I think if we kept seeing each other, I'd want to practice the things in Dr. Pat's book. It's unlikely, I'd be able to resist or feel confident enough that I'd keep his attention without sleeping with him. The thing I'll withhold is that we have to use protection and none of the other stuff he likes to do. I feel more confident limiting activities than not doing anything at all. I think the logic is enough that he'll comply. I'll just say I don't want to have to keep asking because it makes me feel x,y,z. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with me but he would need to deactivate his dating apps to do his favorite activity.

Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves, although I've pretty much been thinking about it all night.

I'm soooo glad I'm leaving Monday and that I essentially have something to do each day until then, even if only for a couple hours. 

Let's talk about Sean. He does the thing that I've seen before when a guy likes you (although people may just be genuinely nice since all these guys I thought like me ended up "liking" other girls and made them their girlfriends). He has expressed wanting to get me different soap. He's sent me links for a keyboard he thinks I should get. Tried to help me with my apartment door. Suggested I download like 2 different apps. He offered to bake me some pumpkin bread out of the blue when he was here. Went into a tizzy about us meeting up. And let's not forget he accidentally said, I love you. I love that for as vocal as he was after our first cuddle date, recounting just about every detail, he has failed to mention that one. He even said something about not wanting kids yet. Mind you, I didn't bring it up. I said something about 'no regerts' (from that Snickers commercial), and he came back with 'no rugrats.' So someone has projected far ahead. But then he's so quick to tell me he just wants to be friends and that I'm more into him romantically than he is me. *Exaggerated eye roll.*

I'm trying to do what Dr. Pat advises and just be upbeat about it and not correct him, but it's at times infuriating. I've been contemplating dropping the ...I'm still dating other people bomb on him, but not sure yet. He technically never asked. 

He has boardgames tonight, and I'm curious if he just expects I'll be there. We didn't really talk about it. And then he has a hike on Saturday.  Honestly, it'll be a bit of reprieve from trying to figure out what the heck he's doing. 

I don't know if I should treat all boys as friends until proven otherwise, or treat them like Dr. Pat says in the book. I guess, until we are dating, treat them as friends. 

Well, that's all for now.

PS - We got early deposit of our checks, and since my Net Pay was a little more than I was expecting, I'm hopeful that my tax withholding issue was corrected. Our paystubs probably won't post for a few more days, so I'll know more then. 

Thurs, Oct 27, 2022, Boys are dumb

 Dear Diary,

Sean came over last night. I keep worrying I'm going to accidentally call him by the wrong name. That'd be hilarious. I'm straddling the line between trying to let him think I'm interested and throwing it in his face that I'm not really and I'm dating other people. I almost said it last night but he doesn't pick up on hints well.

He asked me what I was doing after he left, and I said I had plans.. and when he pushed... I said to meet with a friend. 

I'm pretty sure he accidentally said, I love you yesterday. But I don't know if he thinks he needs to say that so he doesn't feel bad about fooling around. I'm so proud of myself for not going all the way!!! I was very tempted to try to convince him to love me with my vagina. Yep.

We finally kissed. I didn't feel anything. It felt nice, but not magical. It's hard to develop feelings when someone clearly says / but not so clearly acts like they just want to fool around as friends. 

Phew, he just texted to make sure we're good. I think he doesn't really want anything romantic (because he's said so), but also wants to be just nice enough to keep fooling around. 

But it also feels likes he's practicing being a boyfriend again.... shrug.

At least getting back to NC will physically remove me from limbo which is actually what I need right now.

He said he's soooo busy this week (then when I realized there's only 1 day left of the week, I felt less bad), and may want to do something next week. I'm not mentioning at all that I'll be gone... forever! 

Hahah. 

This time I know better than to let something like this linger. It's a fling. I won't delete my number but I won't ask for anything either. 

Whoops too late. He again wanted to talk about it so I said just enjoy being fwb/booty call and he (in my mind) confirmed he preferred being FWB. He said, 'I prefer fwb.'

Well, oh well. I did manage to convert a previous FWB into a stalker, so there's hope, but moving back to NC for a bit will definitely protect me from having sex with someone who doesn't love me. Phew.

And my manager just assigned me to a new project and that team is in the UK so back to early wake up times.

Phew. 

I'll keep you posted on what happens with Sean. 

Because I have nothing else to do, I'll still try to do what the book says. 

Omg, now he wants to plan a date night. I can feel the relief of not wanting to be my boyfriend wash over him through text. 

Wed, Oct 26, 2022, Just friends?

 Dear Diary,

I reread some of Sean's old messages to remind myself he just wants to be friends who sext. Weird right. For now, I'm going along with it with the loose plan of letting it come to a natural end when I get to NC. I mean, this plan feels at least physically safe because the chances of us having sex is low between now and when I fly out Monday night.

I don't intend to tell him I'm leaving. I think there will be some sweet poetic justice if he actually plans to hang out and I get to pull out the card of oh, I'm in NC, sucka! 

I guess that's kind of what's in it for me. 

Between now and then though I don't know. The sexting is fun only in that some attention, even if negative, is better than no attention. 

I don't see myself actually going over to his house. Even for me, that walk of shame would be too much. 

Even though it would be easy to lie and say I actually have plans which is why I can't see him, I would rather actually have or make plans so I'm not at least thinking about him.

Tonight, I'm on the fence about 2 events - the boardgame meetup I usually go to or walk and dinner with strangers. The walk would at least mean getting outside which is always a plus, so I think I might just do that. And there's a chance of dinner. If it starts to rain, I may not stay for the dinner though.  Plus I don't have to take a bus. 

There's not much going on tomorrow. 

I think I'm just going to take it day by day. I'm pretty sure I won't go over there. Honestly, it's just too cold and there's nothing sexy about taking a dirty city bus ride to see a boy who wants to just grope you and not commit. This is my life. 

Oh the twist of the day. It's my first day back at work and yay, some work I thought I had to do has been lessened. Also, my big Nov/Dec project is essentially put on the back burner. That was the main reason for going back to NC. So now, I'm not sure what to do.

I guess I could see if I could afford it, but we all know, I could. 

There's not a compelling reason to do either thing.

I technically have about 2 weeks of project work I need to do that will require early wake-ups but if I had a compelling reason to stay, it would be manageable.

At this point, the win for NC is just the weather. I checked and it's still in the 70s there and it was in the 40s last night in Seattle. 

I wish Sean hadn't taken away the possibility of a relationship. 

The easiest thing to do is just go back. I've already kind of mentally prepared for that. I need to stop trying to forecast or look for destiny. What do I want to do? Stay, receive love, and live happily ever after. 

I guess we'll see what my manager says tomorrow. 

But that's pretty much it. 

Oh, burying the lede - I messaged Dan and intentionally (accidentally) forgot to mention who it was to see if he would bite. He did! So I know he sees my messages. My current plan is to message him on Monday and be like oh, sorry, I missed you. Headed back to NC today.  Maybe even add a little - hope we can reconnect soon.  My secret hope is that he tries to guess who it is or has some idea. I tried to leave a hint about the brokered CDs, but boys are dumb as I'm constantly reminded when talking to Sean.

Tues, Oct 25, 2022, Dumped again

 I caved and invited Sean over to cuddle. There was some heavy breathing but no actual intercourse. I don't know what I'm doing, friend. I think he would've been content to just snuggle, honestly. It was all very PG, but I have such a negative narrative on men in my mind that I didn't know what to do.

So I pretty much took it to the next level. He was very nervous. It was all very weird and confusing.

I think because I know sometimes a FWB relationship can turn into something more, it's hard not to keep trying. 

In the end, it was like two virgins seeing naked boobs for the first time. 

He's sweet and weird and awkward and has basically been sexting me since 7a. It's almost 5p! He pretty much just recounts every detail from last night which I barely remember.

In short, he said PG cuddling and meant PG cuddling. He said PG cuddling, and I heard I want to get in your pants. And my brain said obviously if you do more, he will fall in love with you and live happily ever after.

This morning he's like I just want something casual. I like sexting you and hanging out but...lots of words to mean... I don't want to date you. So, yeah, when you know you know. He thinks he's going to get away with though.

And here I was thinking of extending my stay, I can't wait to get away from him. I don't know why I think I have to leave the state when I could just stop responding. Oh well. My goal is to not meet up with him again until Sunday. But honestly I'll probably give in to some extra cuddle time and probably still try to sleep with him. Old habits. 

I'm planning on texting Dan before I go out tonight while I have a few hours of distraction and Sean giving me a lot of attention. That's all for now.