Mon, Oct 10, 2022, And..

 One of my counselors is trying to get me to 'and' more, as opposed to dichotomous thinking I suppose.

Dan did 3 non-consensual (ie, stealth raped) acts on 3 different occasions AND I still want to be with him.

Date Rape Guy from earlier this year did something similar AND I still wanted to be with him.

That's what it's like to be me - undesired. The thing I feared the most happens AND I still persist. 

It's why I don't really drink especially when I'm with men. It's why I try to say yes, AND they still take advantage and betray your trust. 

AND I still want them. I feel like a 16 year old girl doing things she doesn't want to do to get a guy to like her. Except I'm 38, turning 39 AND I know better.

But I don't really because like that 16 year old girl, I'm still trying to get a guy, ANY guy to like me.

That's what it's like to be me.

(I just watched The Luckiest Girl Alive, so rape is on my mind. I'm very much like the protagonist - apologizing to your rapist. Because I'm a "Sorry Girl.")

I scoff at professional women who let their partners hit them or abuse them. I WOULD NEVER let my partner do that to me. AND then I do. 

There was a girl I knew before who would never do that. But her confidence was slowly eroded with every single day that she was left alone and undesired. As those around her were quickly picked off and she was invisible yet again. That girl was me, duh.

There was a girl I knew who had a voice, who stood up for what she wanted, who was a martyr for her own cause. I'd rather die alone than be abused or mistreated by a man. Then she moved to NC where they killed her spirit and took away her voice. Wait, is this the little mermaid? Nope, still me. NC sucks. It really does. Without knowing it, these people re-packaged me into a little agreeable black girl so that I could fit in. But here's the thing, I never did. I still was overlooked and verbally attacked to the point that I quit one of my rotations. Even after I told our Dean, nothing happened. Does anything ever happen. 

So afraid of being labeled difficult. So afraid of being labeled anything that's stereotypical black. Including single and alone, I've compromised everything that old 14 year old me used to be. I was better at being strong and independent as a child. Let's face it, I got in trouble even as a kid for speaking up and out at things that didn't seem fair.

So maybe my Brain finally snapped in August because I'd finally had enough. Someone had to die, and unfortunately that person was me.

I mean, am I even alive?

I went on a walk with Kristin yesterday. At the end, I said, yeah if you want to hang out again, let me know. Crickets. (Wow, really! Not even the pity, 'yeah okay.') Good for you, girl! She said we'd see each other at the next meetup. Which got me thinking why she even asked to hang out 1 on 1. I wonder if she really thinks I'm LGBTQ. That's the only thing I can think of.

She shared that she did not have a fairy tale marriage, and Seattle was her start-over. She had a bit of a psychotic break after learning she was pregnant at age 18. Then her friend Michelle recently had a psychotic break after a bad break-up. I feel you, Michelle.

Is this what's left of the humans - survival. 

So whether Mean Brain wins or not, I know I'll find peace with whatever decision I make. 

I think my theme for next year is My Perfect Year.

I read some of Romans (?) about the armor of God. 

That's my bible verse for next year.

Next Year will be My Perfect Year. I have my Perfect Plan with only achievable things.

I won't even whisper about what happens next. 

I'm going to have my perfect year, where no one can hurt me.

I already know what to do with friends and foes. I already know what to do with work and work colleagues.

My plan is fool proof.

I hate Valerie, I decided. I hate that she dumps her work on me and I can't speak up because I'm afraid of not being a team player. I hate Monica because she's supposed to be my mentor and escalated a non-issue to my boss. That's a crap thing to do to someone who's supposed to have your back. 

Here's the thing with speaking up - it's left me alone. No friends, and no real close family.

But I know that now. And next year I'll have My Perfect Year.

No more reach outs. No more hope for a different outcome. No more guesswork.

My brain is actually tired. I just feel this fatigue. It's like being sick with no physical ailments. I can't think or make anymore decisions.

I don't know if I should continue my quest of going on 2 more dates, just to use a total of 3 dates to wash Dan out of my system. To wash dating apps out of my system. I probably should, but maybe not during my blissful time off.  Yeah, maybe during my last week here. 

I hope Sean asks me out and we live happily ever after. Today is Day 3 since he's had my phone number. I have a feeling he's going to literally wait until there's a hike to invite me to. I hope he doesn't, but that's my best guess. I think he will contact me again, but I wonder when.

We get paid this Friday.  Payroll is still taking out the wrong state taxes. Grr. I requested a new phone number in hopes of getting 1 of the new NC area codes. But alas, AT&T said it was not available. Not much else I can do.

At first, I thought all my new friends would miss me or notice when I went back to NC, but I'm feeling fairly confident that will not be the case. Oh well. I'm still going to have my Perfect Year next year.

I wonder how long I'll give Sean before I message him, "Just to see," of course. The risk of rejection FAR outweighs any perceived benefit. Because let's face it, my happily ever after starts with him making the first move. 

Oh, one more thing, Diary, yesterday I bought another $20 Seattle dinner of garlic shrimp. And I got exactly 6 shrimp. That's $3/ shrimp. Is that not outrageous!! And you had to pay extra for rice. The nerve! 

Sunday, Oct 9, 2022, Why is Mean Brain so mean to me?

 Of course today is a lucid day. I realize when Mean Brain isn't actively trying to convince me to kill myself, life isn't all that bad.

I was reading an interview on ESI Money, and I think now my eyes focus more on what people are spending on vacation and other kinds of lifestyle expenses.

The post today had someone that had a lake house so that of course piqued my interest. I think where I went a bit wrong with reaching my FIRE goal is not taking the time to figure out what life post-FIRE would look like. I was disappointed that I didn't know my immediate next step and that "all my realized hopes and dreams" weren't there to celebrate this milestone. 

When Let Me Live Brain is in control like right now, I am feeling good about my vacation budget. That article helped. The fact that I'm a bit exhausted from socializing feels really good. In this moment, I want to come back next year and do it all over again and maybe even do it better.

So yes, I didn't get a family to love and love back or a partner or a cool job that I'm brilliant at. But I did get the opportunity to retire and spend my time doing a bunch of random stuff that I can check in and out of. That's pretty neat. Yes, coming from an 'at least' position sucks, but oh well.

There is still a part of me that wants to enjoy this freaking retirement that I spent the last 4 years earning.

But there is still a part of me that's like who really cares. I don't want to talk about that part. 

Anyway, after reading the ESI post, I got excited again about my budget and vacation plans next year. The idea of being a summer bird in Seattle feels really good. It makes sense. It just feels like such a good solution after all the hemming and hawing about moving and or living here full time. It's like I finally made a good decision when it felt like there wasn't one.

A recent thought I had - If you had a million dollars would you stay? Not actually doing the math of a million dollars but more the concept of money didn't matter. If I could stay in this apartment for free, would I stay. Not necessarily. I think for me the biggest pull back to NC for the last 2 months of the year is waking up before sunset for work. That is brutal and when I think of it, I remember it being on a list of undesirable things I wanted for my life.

The only thing I could convince myself of is, it would be an excuse to go to Hawaii during shutdown. The big plus there is that it's a plan and it's something to look forward to. 

So if I could live in the apartment for free and work half day of PST hours, yes, I would stay here for Nov and Dec. 

So I guess I'm a little afraid of going back to NC - I'm afraid of moving up my death date, and I'm afraid it'll be easier to stay and convince myself not to come back. But I think no matter what, I want to renew my lease on life for one more year. I wonder if I can commit to that. I don't know if that includes starting medication or not. 

I went to 2 gaming events this week that I mostly just went to to pass the time. And it wasn't horrible.

Oh I forgot to document my meet cute!! I was going to say it's only happened twice in my life, but I think this might be the actual only time?! I don't know if I should count the Austrian from my late 20s. 

This is getting me giddy.

So let's talk about it.

I went to a gamer's game night not knowing it would be so intense. I mostly went to pass the time waiting for Steve to message me back. Lame, I know.

But anyway, the story is so long so I don't know how much to include.

Anyway, I got shuffled along to a table at the back to wait for more players to show up. I played one card game with a total of 4 players. Another girl came along and was chatting it up with this guy named Sean. I was in the middle and I was like wow, this is cool. Another love match in front of my eyes. (The third since I've been going to these meetups.)

The game ended and the 2 girls go off to play another game. The 2 guys go off to play a game. I just sit there not particularly interested in any game or changing locations. A few minutes later, Sean comes back up the stairs to ask me if I want to play his game!!!

I was shocked!! Remember, I'd been othered a couple times recently and gone back to being Invisible Girl. 

So I go downstairs slightly dazed and confused but thinking this must just be gaming culture, they just need players. Anyway, the original group for Sean's game find another game they like better. And it's just 4 of us again. Sean is a little annoyed I think. In retrospect, the mama bird in me wanted to make him feel better and repay the little kindness he showed me. I feel like he even was like, doesn't matter which game you want to play. But I stayed.

As he's explaining the rules and staring at me ALOT and visibly. To the point he even said, I don't know why I'm focusing on you. Fantasy Me thought it was cute in retrospect. I think we flirted a little bit. And he mentioned a 3D printer which got my attention so I asked a few follow-up questions about it. 

Anyway, after the game ended (I won by the way!), I lingered just to see what would happen.

I actually don't remember how we got to talking about the weekend. I must have asked if he goes to the group meetup alot. Anyway it came out that I had plans for the weekend. And he said, well if you weren't busy on Sunday I was going to ask you if you wanted to go on a hike on Sunday. (Ahhh!!!)

And then I feel like there was something about his 3D printer, where he was like you should get to know me, if you want to find out more about the printer. 

Anyway, I remember saying, well you should invite me on another hike, and then he said, "Well how can I do that, if I don't have your contact information."

Me: Do you want my contact information?

And then he's like it's loud in here so I wouldn't be able to hear you, so he had me put it in his phone.

Later in the very short conversation, he'd said he'd moved a year and a half ago, and I asked if he'd just graduated. He shockingly said, "I'm almost 30!"I laughed and said, "I'm almost 40!" 

You kind of felt the mood shift a bit, or at least I did. He said, "I couldn't tell." I said, "probably because I'm wearing my mask."

We walked out a bit to our respective destinations. He helped me figure out the bus stop. And he even texted me on the way back. 

I kind of wanted to reassure him the age gap wasn't a big deal to me and wanted to give him an easy way out, but didn't...or at least haven't. 

Haven't heard from him since.

I'd tried to go on 3 dates this weekend but Steve flaked on the 2nd date and I'm kind of over it. I'm going to round up my meet cute to a date and that terrible guy I hung out with 1 on 1 (who is not single) might just count as well. 

I'm going to take it easy today and meetup with a committee member from another group later today. 

That's all folks!

Fri, Oct 7, 2022, I don't know what's real anymore

 Counselor Katie mildly suggested medication since I mentioned my feelings felt "cyclical." Am I bi-polar? I don't feel bi-polar.

My actions don't feel bi-polar but my feelings definitely feel erratic. I'm everything I guess.

But then a boy messages me and I'm fine again. That's why I don't think my feelings are real. They're so circumstantial. 

I've never gotten exactly what I wanted so it's hard to know if I will actually feel good for the long haul if I did.

The fantasy is that I would.

Nothing too jazzy is going on tonight. So I might spend some time with myself and eat bon-bons.

I remember dreaming as a kid that if I made it to adulthood, all I wanted to do was eat ice-cream bon-bons and watch soaps. That was my big dream.

Maybe I knew even then that romantic fantasy love was not in the future.

But the only thing that's changed is that I realize I don't actually have to live. 

As expected, the next day the desire to end my life is noticeably not as urgent. Figures. So maybe I give myself a 10 day window when I feel these strong feelings. They eventually subside.

How do I get through those 10 days.

I think we can safely say the supplements aren't working. 

I looked at the mood tracker app and there was definitely a pattern of around the beginning of the month where my mood was noticeably low and then evened out. Not very many Good days, but predictably recurring Bad days. 

I used to attach it to my menstrual cycle and it was only about 3 times a year where I'd have these wild mood swings. But now it's monthly it seems. (This feels a lot like when I was younger and didn't know I was lactose intolerant. Sometimes dairy made me really sick, and sometimes it didn't. Then one day it always did.)

So I guess it's 10 days On (low mood) and 20 days off. What a life!

I don't know what's reality. In my non-low mood, is that reality? Or is my low mood reality? Do I use my baseline mood to end my life so that I never transition back to low mood. 

Anyway, here I was crying over Dan then Steve finally messaged me on Hinge. This is two weeks later. I'm 99% sure based on previous actions that he'll go dark again. It is a game no matter what people say. Sometimes I like playing it, but I hate playing it when I lose.

So I'll keep the Board Game night on the back burner if I start feeling sorry for myself. I do want to go to the Trader Joe's to get some plantain chips so that will be my reward. 

Part of me wants to force feed myself 3 rando dates so that my last dating experience isn't the Dan experience. Part of me wants to wallow in the Dan experience. 

The Death Part of me is like, it doesn't matter. But I'm not in Death Year yet, so it has to round up to matter. This morning I was so crazed I wanted to do a casual drive by the university where he teaches. Not crazy at all right. I feel 17 again. And I KNOW equivocally that it didn't land me the guy, but yet my brain convinces me that I MUST do this or I'll never get him.

Then I get a little bit of attention from someone else and I calm down. That's how I know these feelings aren't real.

Honestly Death will truly just put me out of my misery.

Thurs, Oct 6, 2022, My dreams already didn't come true

 The thing with waiting and laboring over decisions is no more. I never fully appreciated that my dreams didn't come true.

Sure, there are a lot of platitudes and reasons to hope. I'm sure there are.

But I don't want it.

At the end of the day, this isn't what I wanted.

Maybe I'm a petulant child stomping around at the feet of her father. Maybe. 

But there are no more conditions to be met.

I wanted friends and a family. A nice house. A nice neighborhood. A community of people who had my best interest at heart. Who prioritized me and our relationship. I wanted to be in love, ideally with a high school sweetheart (and to be loved fully and completely in return). A family of my own would have been nice. A future worth living for. 

But instead I got this nice life I've pieced together. With a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I've been pulled out of a situation, surely, that could've been worse. It could always be worse.

I feel ungrateful. And I am. I want more. I've always wanted more. 

Wed, Oct 5, 2022, I've made the decision to end my life

 Let's face it, God, I was never going to be happy with a mediocre life.

I just had to put it on paper and get it out of my brain.

I just had Session #6 with the CBT guy. It's all very suggestive. It's not the panacea I thought it would be. I know it's not going to help me but we'll see it through to the end? Or maybe...10 sessions. That's what he'd promised. 

Therapy isn't doing anything. I'm really not sure what it's supposed to do really. They just ask you questions and sit in silence. 

For now the plan is to just live 1 more calendar year in 2023. There's not really a rush per se, but it's happening.

All the thoughts are coming. 

I had lots of whys and what ifs but nothing is really bubbling to the surface.

Maybe it's menstrual.

You're really going to end your life over a boy? Yeah, kinda.

My biggest regret at this point is not ending my life earlier. I could have saved myself 30 years of misery. 

My biggest fear is that next year will be the worst year of my life. When I completely turn my back on God, maybe he will show me what bad really is. But then I think, if this is good with God. Then wow, I was right, it's not going to get better. 

It's my last chance to get the outcome I aim for. Don't confuse this with the life I want. This was never the life I wanted. 

Some scratch notes, are mostly related to budget because it's the only thing I can control.

2023: My Last Year on Earth

Jan - Mar:

- Max out 401k

Mar to May

- Play softball

Memorial Day to Oct 15

- Live in Seattle

- June

 - Walk the loop at least 1x/week

Jul to Sep

- Get in/on the water at least 1x/week

Oct to Dec 2023

- Finish the year off in NC

- Go to NC state fair

- Eat puppy chow

- Enjoy romance novels and watch romantic movies again

It's a pretty basic "bucket list." I'm only going out with one bang. It's uninspired. But freeing. Really freeing. There's nothing that can go wrong with this plan. There are no 11th hour levers. The 1 thing I know about myself, is that I'll stick to a decision even if there are signs pointing me everywhere but here. See all my blog entries. 

As for decision making, where I am now is - if it's going to affect the next year, proceed with the presumption of life. If it's going to affect anything after 2023, proceed with the presumption of death.

But this frees me most from social situations and self-advocacy. It won't matter in the long term.

As I've said before, I can't believe this is how it all ends.

In 2024, I might take a few weeks off and go to Spain and Portugal. But it really doesn't matter if I do or not. 

I was going to get extra support next week since CBT guy is on vacation, but it will be nice to experience a week of no-human contact in Seattle. 

I'm tired. Whether I fought the good fight or not, the fight is over.

It's like finally!

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of crying and ...

I'm not even dwelling on this.

I was going to wait for Bonus Day 2024, but I kind of don't want to turn 40. I want to end my life in my 30s. Valentine's day sounds poetic. Nah, too tragic.

I'm not thinking about it.

All I know is the calendar year of 2023 will be my last year on earth.  I will experience every single day as my last day of its kind.