So how do I track my mental expenditure

 I'm sure I've said this story many times, but one of the things that helped sparked my financial independence journey is seeing the sidebar on my Bill Pay for my upcoming expenses. I realized I could easily pay my monthly bills with 1 paycheck. Mind blown. Yes, I had extra money in my account every month that was just accumulating. But seeing that tally was especially impactful.

I guess I'm just a sums girl. I like culminating events and data. 

I'm trying to figure out how I can use my success with FIRE in inter-personal relationships.

Primarily dating. 

I don't know what the objective is.

How can I track my mental expenditure and cut out what's no longer adding value either to my life or to my process.

If I can just craft a formula, I am hoping that will help me from these psychological mood swings.

I've enlisted the help of a therapist, so that's something. But I've been afraid to ask her for specific dating advice because I'm not sure if that's within her purview. 

Some of the rules I have so far in dating are the 3 phone calls from people I meet on the app. Then I created a spreadsheet to try to track my progress and limit my exposure to nonsense.

It doesn't feel like it's enough.

Or maybe this is the boring, hurtful middle.

One benefit (although I loathe it) of tracking all my negative feelings is that a year later I can see wow I really felt like giving up every second of the way, and oh, it really was hard. And oh, I really was alone. But reaching my FIRE milestone was 100% worth it no matter how much it hurt. It's like the hurt doesn't matter once you have the prize.

That being said, I'm having trouble extrapolating life lessons. I kinda threw everything at my FIRE goal - remember trying to monetize my blog, remember my side hustle, remember the 100+ job applications and subsequent rejections that made me question living at all.

I can't figure out how to streamline and optimize that process to reap the benefits without ALL the heartache. Because right now it feels like I'm throwing everything at my dating goal - prayer, family members praying, online dating apps, virtual speed dating, getting social. 

Online dating feels like the 100+ job applications. That didn't end up working. It's giving me a lot of heartache and anxiety, so I know that probably needs to go. But I know the thing that helped me accelerate my journey was getting a job at my current company and that was through a mutual friend. And my 4 years of actual experience. I think there's a lesson here that I haven't fully reflected or realized.

I do think I'm doing the same thing with dating as I did with interviewing, let me just apply just one more time because what else can I do? I have most of the qualifications, and this time I'll get the interview right. All the practice in the end just didn't end up helping. 

The job I got at Call Center #3 was through a series of fortunate events - I had the experience, the hiring manager knew what she was looking for, I had a personal referral, and I had the interview questions ahead of time, and it was virtual so I could read my answers. 

Call Center #2 - I can't figure out what that is akin to. I applied for the exact same job I had with another company. I think the hiring manager asked a few people about me and that probably helped. (Call Center #2 might have been just God helping me out or if in the dating analogy, dating an underemployed dud or divorced, military dad of 3 - I'm fairly confident I'd be able to make a relationship like that work; but I was wildly unhappy working at Call Center #2 eventhough my work load was quite light and I was making a bit more money; it just wasn't what I wanted; I couldn't make myself love it.)

In the end Call Center #3 turned out to be a not-great experience but the money was aligned with my goals. So there're parts of that I certainly don't want to replicate.

I think that's why I've been reaching out to friends and family. I think it would help me to have the inside scoop, someone to make the introduction to make everyone feel at ease, someone I can meet virtually just keeps popping up in my mind. But I also had to be patient there as well. They took many weeks to make me an offer and the anxiety was suffocating. But the higher pay was worth it in the end because it accelerated my journey. 

I don't know. I'm confident my time is coming, I'm just afraid it's going to be another 2 years and my heart will be closed. 

I just hope I learn the necessary lessons.

But I waited patiently for Dapple, and nothing came of that. That was my biggest test of temperament to date. 3 months! 

It's hard to enumerate what went wrong because theoretically not all relationships are meant to last forever. 

So let's look at the three people I connected with the most - Dapple, Japple, and the Mormon

Dapple - 

Pros: We had a lot in common because we were the same age; there was no pressure to meet up; I practiced patience for 3 months, but really started to crumble by 2 to 2.5 months

Cons: Single texts that became more spaced out over time = high anxiety; wished I had spoken up for what I want when his way of doing things started to spin me out of control; felt rejected that he wouldn't call, video chat, or have an actual converation in real time

Lesson: Maybe ~ 2 months (6-8 weeks) is when I can start expecting to feel a need for direction; so try to be patient until then; and before freaking out, just ask for what you want or ask them for some direction

Japple

Pros: He was a man's man; I didn't have to wonder as much if he was into me; he was more willing to take the lead

Cons: I let past trauma magnify red flags; felt rejected when he was not as excitable as me

Lesson: Don't accuse people of things, just ask (still need to find a way to ask and be ready for uncomfortable conversations; get used to the idea of disagreement in love); if something is weird, just talk about it

Mormon

Pros: easy to talk to, sweet, nice 

Cons: still playing the field; i rushed into things because i wanted things to happen on my timeline; wanted him to commit after about 1 week (fear of losing or being rejected); got physical before establishing what we want out of the relationship

Lesson: have the tough conversations, wait until you're sure you know what you want before moving things in either direction, give people space to reach their emotions on their own time

I think once I realize I want to be in an exclusive relationship with someone, I should give myself 1 week of no-contact to feel my feelings. Don't assume the worst. 

Meh, I'm tired of thinking and talking about this for now.

In other news, I guess Saturday is just for weeping. I'll just add that to my routine.

I think Sunday is for burritos.

Saturdays are also for biscuits or donuts. Yesterday I got neither. I mostly just cried and replayed recent conversations.  While it's nice to be able to get over these duds faster, it's taking the luster out of dating. I wanted it to be a positive experience not another life-learning experience. I'm done with life lessons. Can anything just be pure fun and lightness. Ugh. 

The world didn't end

So yeah, I didn't get quite the clean break I wanted from the Mormon because my coworker and I decided to have a little fun. 

He optioned me and I've pretty much made up my mind to cut him loose. It gets easier with practice.

My last text options included: 

I think this is how our story ends. You're sweet, but I'm looking for someone who really likes me and wants to hang out with me and not see me as just an option. 

OR even more succinctly

I think we want different things. Just thought I'd let you know since we agreed not to leave the other hanging. 

But since there was a 1% chance to salvage this, my coworker and I agreed to raise the stakes and say that I'd come down if he volunteered at an Easter volunteer event at the white house. 2 hours later, he has yet to respond. I'm sure he's out with friends because he's soooo busy. 

I didn't need to sleep on it because this situation is unfortunately not new.

So yes, I do come off strong. If you're interested, let's make it happen. It turns off 100% of the guys and my counselor says I'm not grand enough to change anyone's social conditioning. She actually confirmed that men need to feel like they earn your attention. Welp, fail x 1000. I thought the 3 calls was doing that, but they don't seem to like that. I already waited 3 months for a guy to choose me, I'm not doing that again. You get however long it takes me to feel feelings. 

All I can say is I recognize and am aware of my limitations. I'm not going to change overnight. I want someone who likes me as much as I like them and wants to hang out with me. That hasn't changed. 

As I was updating my registration with my new name, I felt peaceful and calm (I mean I cried a little in frustration and just that sense of failure....my counselor had some semantic words but I can't remember).

This dating thing has just become a side show entertainment for me. 

I don't think I'm any closer to finding anyone. I think I'm just closer to giving up on love and closing the tiny slit that was left. Oh well.

In other news. My document went under its first review. More work to come. I updated my registration with my new name. I filed my taxes and paid my state taxes.

I'm in the market for 2 ceiling fans.

I'm buying stuff!!

And I still love myself!

So, he doesn't like me (life goes on)

 If my Racist Friend hadn't told me it was a numbers game, I would have been done deleting this dude, so I'm just hanging on....for what? Who knows. 

Actually, my feelings aren't even that hurt. I'm proud of myself for asking instead of assuming and being fearful and reacting. Go me!

Ultimately, I just wanted to know where I stand.

He doesn't like me. I can sugar coat it and say he doesn't like me "that much," but does it even matter?

I was afraid of missing a chance to hang out and now I don't have to be. I was afraid of waiting and the anxiety that came with it, but now I don't have to be.

So what happened you say?

I texted the boy in the a.m. during the workday (rookie moves) and finally just said, "I want to see you this weekend, do you want to see me?"

To which he responded:

All well and good, except he sent this to Catfish Katie after yet another one of her lazy texts:

So hey at least the bar is low. I don't have to ask any questions. I can send emojis every 3 days and nothing happens. Like I already knew it didn't matter what Carefree Katie does, they still ask.

I had sensed a shift with Mormon. What I originally liked about him was how assertive he was and that he seemed liked he was really into me. It cooled off a bit. And the lazy texts ensued. My gut is right. You're always right, MERJy! It's why I love you. You're my best protector. You've been there with me every step of the way. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make-up. I love you, best. 

About A Boy

 Maybe it's the shield of FIRE but eventhough yes, I feel rejection, yes, I feel bad, yes I want to give up every single minute, and I question everything I'm doing, somehow I'm still in it.

Somehow each second feels like progress.

I cried last week, but today I didn't cry. Yesterday I didn't cry.

Yes, my stomach is in knots.

Yes I mass messaged about 5 people on the apps last night because something felt off in our convo last night. He's not particularly effusive. I don't feel certain about his interest other than he returns my calls and messages me. 

Yes, I'm still in communication with Japple and he's mean and I still believe he secretly loves me and we will end up living happily ever after.

But I also didn't call him. I didn't delete my Google voice number last night. I didn't unmatch the Mormon. I didn't confront him about his feelings. 

I didn't delete Hinge. 

Maybe this is or isn't a good idea. But I'm waiting until I know for sure before ending my relationship with Hinge.

I wish I could not focus on one boy and enjoy the process.

So against the advice of everyone, I initiated contact with the boy last night. I asked if he wanted to video chat, and he said he was cooking and could voice chat. (Felt like a rejection because of course you should stop everything you're doing to be with me.)

I flirted eventhough my dating coaches warned me about coming on too strong. I said when are you going to make me dinner, he said when are you coming down. But then the wifi cut out. This is why I think I need to make the plans. I do think he thinks it's too great of an ask to ask me to come down. But again, he's not really making any plans to come to me either. 

Ugh, 9a, I just texted him. Just thinking about it is making me anxious. And I want to stop the feeling.

I only did 1 activity this week since Softball was cancelled twice this week.  Oh I have virtual volunteering tomorrow. Also another virtual dating event tonight - that one is free, so we shall see.

Another Speed Dating Bust

 I just spent $30 on a speed dating event to meet interracial singles. Everyone was brown! Ha. You know what I thought the other day, of course I have to expand my search net to all races because there are only 10% of out here. Why would I decrease my odds when finding love is already a numbers game!

So yeah, I'm glad I didn't forego anything to be here. Softball was cancelled anyway. I'm glad this happened. Will I fill out the profile to see if I had any matches? Unlikely, but we'll see, I might be feeling rejected by Mormon boy just enough to do it.

Without calling too much attention to it, I think I'm letting this interest fade. It definitely makes for fun conversation, but the hurt feelings aren't fun. 

Trying and not trying produce the same result - no boyfriend, and no prospects. Except trying adds hurt feelings and anxiety. Now that I'm in the early days post-FIRE, it's hard to want to focus on things that don't bring me joy. I didn't get to quit work, but I can definitely quit doing this thing that causes me stress. 

I'm just mad I spent all this money on my hairstyle.

I know how this story goes. Mormon Boy doesn't make an effort to ask me out this week (I mean it's already Thursday, so I think we can call it). 

My aunt and other dating coach said wait till next week and maybe hint about it. But by Friday, Saturday, Sunday, the anxious feelings will get the best of me and the only way to shut them out is to completely detach. This will likely involve one or some of the following:

- Unmatching him on hinge

- Confronting him about lack of interest

- Call or texting him

- Deleting Google Voice number (then immediately regretting it)

- Probably set up profile with the new dating service from tonight

- Contact Japple

- Mass message everyone I matched with on Hinge

No surprises there. I don't know. With new name and new financial milestone achieved, this waiting game just doesn't fit but I'm not strong enough to walk away completely. 

Clearing some thoughts on the Mormon:

- It hurts my feelings that you're not as into me as I'm into you

- It hurts my feelings that I was so into you and you're chatting other women less than 24 hours after we hooked up

- It makes me anxious that you're texting me and I don't know what the purpose is

- I hate that we started out so strong, and now we are losing momentum and I know for me it's going to be hard to come back to if I completely let go. And even if I stay hanging on, my patience and anxiety will just run higher. We are doomed to fail

But yeah in sum, both my aunt and the girl I know who most recently married an app guy, said wait for him to initiate the next meetup since I essentially invited myself over. When I was explaining the course of our interaction, it made a lot of sense. I'm looking for someone who puts in effort, yet I'm the one wanting to drive the relationship. I mostly do that so I can control outcomes.

So yeah, he might text me tonight. The defacto dating coach of a friend said not to respond right away. I kind of want to respond because I know tomorrow after 5p the window is closed for anxious things. I guess I could just respond tomorrow during the workday, but that's more anxiety inducing because I won't have his full attention. 

I think I was kind of hoping too that he would still try to meet up, but I guess 10p is kind of late to make plans for the next day, so never mind. 

So I guess if I'm following her advice, I should not respond till tomorrow. But I think I will, I like talking to him and getting the virtual kiss emoji. For a few minutes, I get to star in my own love story. 

But there's a chance he might skip a day, in which case sucks to be him. If it's after 5p Friday, it's a hard no, UNLESS it's a request to hangout virtually. 

I think I might even see if he wants to talk on the phone tonight. Whatever.