Small Cog, Big Wheel

 I'm watching Deadly Women on ID. Maybe I find kinship in the company of grieving people. I don't know. Their sadness is so familiar.  I cry along with the victim's survivors as they retell their story. 

I think what keeps me confused at work is my level of significance. Some days I feel like I'm making a difference and making an impact. Other days it feels like why am I here. 

I'm disappointed today because I didn't hear back from recruiter or hiring manager. 

So I have to stay in a bad mood so that when the other shoe drops the fall is not far down. 

So next week will not be a great week.

- I need to call the 401k plan.

- I need to resolve my water leak.

- We have the Roles and Responsibilities meeting next week

- The managers meeting this morning with my buddy just irked me, and that was only 30 minutes; listening to them go on for 2 hours is going to be torture.

I'm considering these 2 summer months (Jul, Aug) a washout period. It's the period after churning and attempts at phoning it in. The hard part is putting on a happy face (like everyone else). This is something deliberate I'm doing in protest of something else while it's just a natural state for everyone else on my team. 

We'll see where I am psychologically in Sept. 

So Sept is my next inflection point.  

How to get through the next 7 days.

What can I control.

Bad decisions. It will be a week of bad decisions and remaining a huddled mass in my bed. 

This is when having my $200 allowance on my debit card is a good fail safe.

A lot of my bad decisions will involve emotional eating of pricey snacks. But knowing this was a slow leak for me in the past is why I have the debit card set up like I do. 

Although, I really wanted some Lorna Doone cookies today, but they never go on sale and it's so hard to spend $4 for a box!

So I got some $2 striped shortbread cookies instead. Even $2 seemed a bit much.

That darn Food Lion is so pricey with their items.

So I fried some chicken yesterday. Actually I was too annoyed to go get something so I fried some thawed chicken from the day before. Tasty! I ate 3 out of 4 pieces. Whoops.

I need some veggies. Working on that. But the thought of shucking corn was not on the list of things I wanted to do. 

Today, in my angst I went back to Food Lion. I got wings from the hot bar. Meh. Not as good as that first time I had them. Some stale and chewy plantain chips. Fail. 

I dreamed of Honey Smacks last night but at the grocery store nothing looked exciting. And all the cereal at Food Lion starts at like $4 so that was discouraging. I wanted to try the Frosted Flakes with marshmallows but it seemed so wrong. I looked at the sugar content and put it back.

However, moving down the aisle I ended up with Luck Charms with marshmallow clusters. Same sugar content as Frosted Flakes. Fail.

Goals to get through next week

- You don't have to call Progressive back about water leak

- You don't have to call broker 

- Only do things you're specifically asked to do for this week at work. No extras. No above and beyond. 

- Be agreeable.

- For Tuesday, agree to whatever they say (eventhough I don't think we should share primary responsibility for any tasks and I really want us to bucket our work better so it can stop being such a case of whodunit EVERY SINGLE TIME!). Say, yeah I love that. Remember this is their call center. They were just fine without you. And even if they decide 1 thing on Tuesday, by Wednesday, it will have fallen by the wayside. You're dying on no more hills. You are a tiny cog in a universe sized wheel. This is a child-star scenario. You can't go back and change their history together. This is not a story you can re-write. 

Deflated, Of Course, and Return to Work

 It hasn't fully hit me because the day has just been busy. I didn't realize how much presenting takes out of me. It's an adrenaline rush but not a desirable one and I leave feeling exhausted. I guess this is what it means when people say being around people energizes them.

I'm the opposite. It drains me. I feel like I did a lot of work today because I'm just mentally tired.

My boss had a minor melt down because the vendor was saying we didn't communicate some of the changes that led to less calls coming into the call center.

I just brushed it off but I think it affected my boss.

With my head down, I tried to stay quiet but then she specifically asked me to engage in the conversation. I don't even remember what I said.

After the anxiety ride we had when we first launched the new database, I am learning just to ride out her anxiety.

We are very alike. 

I am deflated because in yesterday's late night angst I had the great idea to reach out to the recruiter today to see where I was in the process.

Admittedly, my chest was puffed out on Tuesday after the interview because I think I answered the questions as scripted so I thought it was going to be good news.

The recruiter was basically like oh I haven't heard anything from the hiring manager. Ugh.... so much for hearing back this week.

If they really wanted to move fast, I would think the recruiter would have been the first to know. It's definitely possible that the hiring manager had to check in with her leadership team but I would think that involves the recruiter. I don't know. 

So from puffed chest to sad balloon. 

That sucks. 

Then  My Buddy and her Mediocre White Man are I think taking the lead on another project that actually already started but will be in transition from now to October and before my boss had casually mentioned that I was already good on transitions hinting I would be the person to take the lead on that. 

At this point, I've lost track of what my objective is. 

And now our work is saying that return to work will begin in September. So, I think I'll choose to enjoy the summer. I have no idea what the rest of this year looks like, but somehow I feel panicked. 

I don't see myself going back to churning but it feels so wrong to fall back. It's just confusing.

Focus on my program and telephony reporting until Sept.

Then what, by then my project will have launched for 2 weeks to a month. And telephony hypercare reporting will be done. 

Did I think this all the way through?

Should I be fighting for my job?

In other news, I ate at McDonald's last night even after they kept my money for an order I did not receive. Too tired to fight back. 

I still have yet to resolve my water leak.

Something about the Return to Work notice just got me feeling a little anxious. This was earmarked in my Brain as Covid Year 2. All my plans are for the rest of the year, not just the next 2 months.

Things seem to be moving both slowly and quickly at the same time.

Not to panic, not to panic. They said not to panic.

Uncertainty is just not my favorite companion.

My house is a mess. I never fully vacuumed up all the dead bugs. Frankly at this point, my vacuum doesn't have enough suction to suck them out of the baseboard crevices. 

How long will it take me to snap out of this funk?

It felt better when I was actively not over-achieving when there was stuff that felt like it needed to be done. But all that happened is it got moved to someone else's plate. Was that what I wanted?

How does everyone lay low for so long and feel good about it?

I think the Return to Work is just going to make me standout more, I think. I'll be the only one not on site so I think it just automatically shoves me into view. So if people don't actively see me "working," they'll really question my value. Not good.

Oh well. What I was doing wasn't sustainable. 

I don't want to think of any next moves. I don't want to come up with any contingency plans. 

So there's only 2 outcomes:

-I'm made redundant by the end of this year

-Or I'm not.

What do I even say if My Boss Asks?

My first instinct is to stall. Yeah.

But if they ask me to go back to work - 

- Do I effectively quit?

- Do I look for another job in the company (already tried!, will I be desperate enough to knock on Med Info's door and get a hard no vs the soft no I already got?)

- Do I look for another job outside the company?

Ugh. 

How can I not worry about this and really try to enjoy the next 2 summer months. 

After the Interview

 I don't have a title for this post because there's not much direction. I suppose I could do a Financial Check-In, but I haven't felt like talking about money too much.

Let's see the Top 3 things that were making anxious the last time I posted:

- The Interview

- The House Leak

- What else? 

I'm sure the third thing was work-related. What else could it be? 

Well the interview was yesterday and at the very least it's over. I'm trying hard not to imagine myself transitioning to a new role but that's a feat. So for the most part, I just let myself go there. It perks up my day a little to think - whatever, I'll be leaving soon. This is where I was in 2019 when I thought I was leaving Call Center #1 but here we are.

If ever there was a predictable human who didn't learn her lesson - it's this girl!

So the interview went well, Brain was pretty resistant to rehearsing, but I did put together some answers and since it's virtual, I mostly read off my sheet. I actually recorded myself to see if my eyes would belie that I was reading off my computer. In the recording, I didn't see my eyes shifting so I went in feeling good about that, but I still was hesitant to appear that my answers were rehearsed. 

If I had to do anything differently, I would say I could have framed my answers a little more for the role and more explicitly showed how what I did would translate into the new role. I didn't even think about that. I more focused on providing an answer and providing what I thought was the "right answer." I think it's my first time applying for a technical job that I really hadn't done before. I'm not good at faking it and I guess to me the hiring manager already knew I had no experience, but yeah I forget everyone does not have me and my circumstance top of mind.

I was proud of myself for asking what the timeline was. She actually said this week or next. That was surprising. I mean I feel like hiring managers always say two weeks and I ALWAYS BELIEVE THEM.  This time is no different. I am so gullible because I was going to say...she sounded like she was telling the truth. 

She did mention she'd have to run it up the chain, so that might delay things. I know on our side of the business, stuff can just be slow or hasty...so really just unpredictable.

I did have a soft plan to follow-up with the recruiter tomorrow just to check-in and see what his timeline was. I technically never applied on Workday because I didn't want the rejection.

I was actually feeling good enough about the interview and I'm paranoid my boss has friends in many places that I casually mentioned I'd spoke to clinical writing just to see what they had to say.  It was very non-committal.

Well whatever, it'll be an anxious ride to next Friday.

I ate some celebratory cold chicken wings from the grocery store. Did I tell you I started a chicken wing taste test for my local neighborhood? 

The food here is truly terrible but every restaurant sells chicken wings. That's how you know you're hood-adjacent. 

So this truly terrible Chinese food place - I ate there when I first moved and not remembering fully how truly awful it was - decided to eat there again sometime last week - has chicken wings. Again, I'm thinking you throw some frozen wings into a fryer, how bad can it be. I don't know if they just buy the cheapest of the cheapest of ingredients or what, but the wings were not great. I got terriyaki and the sauce was like wet and gloopy. How? How is the grocery store cashier cooking up better chicken wings than a restaurant?!! 

Literally you throw some frozen wings in a fryer and sprinkle some salt on them. Not hard. Anyway, so it was not worth the $8. There are two other places here that serve chicken wings on their "neighborhood menu." That's what I'm calling it because there is no reason why a seafood and a sushi place should have chicken wings. 

I have yet to do any recreational activity this summer, so I'm going to go ahead and count any excursion as an outing - even food runs. 

Work

- I have resisted incrementally each day to do more than my very vague job description. I guarantee if the outcome of this job interview is negative, I'll be whistling a different tune. But for the next two weeks and ideally this summer, I'm trying to take it easy. I was creeping and saw My Buddy sent over her version of our Roles and Responsibilities to My Boss. I hope they meet and talk about it. 

- It's definitely been hard not to care, and I slip up every day. But I also make small steps everyday to care a little less. As I thought it would, hearing the success of one of her other managers taking over 1 of the call centers filled my heart with such jealousy, it was difficult to bear. I didn't say much in the moment which I'm really proud of, but today it slipped out. I just asked who he would be reporting to. Because I saw him with the leadership team on a video chat. Jealous. Sort of. 

- But I am trying to remain focused on my current 2 projects at the moment - a new program and some telephony reporting. Anything else, I'm just letting it hang in the silence. 

- Actually until this moment, I'd actually forgotten my why - the desire to be paid more and be a pseudo project manager. 

- But as I suspected, our next launch is happening in piecemeal. If that's what the team wants to do, then so be it. 

- Meh, I don't want to talk about work anymore.

Money

- I updated FIRE tracker with my non-hidden funds. 

Other

- I still need to call the home insurance company back about this water leak. 

That's pretty much it. Not much busywork to click around. I found some yummy chocolates that have been making me happy the last 2 nights. Yumsies!

I talked to my Racist Friend last weekend. I still don't really like him. He's not that great of a person, but I was so desperate to talk to any human. 

Oh we had some dumb leadership quizzes to take. Maybe I'll take one just for funsies. It'll be like those silly quizzes in teen magazines. What type of x are you? 

This leadership series is one where Overachiever Me would be fighting to be an active participant and move to the front of the class, but while in Standby Mode I just can't muster the energy. I think the Fan Favorite is too tough of an opponent anyway. If I can't even edge by My Buddy (who does no work), there's no way I can edge out another over achiever who is very vocal and privileged. 

Oh some closing notes on the job I interviewed for:

- I hope I get $140k (not likely because it seems like if you move within the same band, they don't offer you more money)

- I hope I find out I get it this week

- I hope I can take a week off between gigs

- I hope I love it (the people in a lot of these roles in this department seem to stay for decades; maybe because they have PhDs and I feel like PhDs are usually academics and tend to stay put and not job hop, so maybe not a factor of job satisfaction so much as the types of people that fill these roles)

Some Joy Before the Let Down

 I have to admit what has been helping me MIND MY BUSINESS is daydreaming of getting a new job. It helps me to detach because when these little fires turn into bigger fires later, I won't be here to handle it.

Even if the outcome doesn't go as hoped for, I at least want to enjoy these next couple of weeks. Ideally, if I interview on Tuesday, I'll know within 2 weeks. But who knows. That's the timeline I'm basing my daydreams on.

So for the next two weeks maybe I'll use that high to help myself detach a bit from this job. Then when there's a whole bunch of undone work littered by the wayside, I can at least try to attack it in one fell swoop. 

Oh well.

It didn't work too much today. I soooo wanted to create a spreadsheet or process flow for the 3 programs I had left just to see them side by side. 

Then I remembered a flow I did from October that I actually forgot I did because once I sent the email, I got a "great!", and that was the last I saw of it. 

I got the itch so bad to make something I ended up just drafting a spreadsheet template by hand on notebook paper.

I did poke around our telephony system and sent 1 email, a few chat messages, and submitted 1 IT ticket. Grr.

That was me NOT trying to do work! 

Again all small potatoes. It's non-impactful work but just mess. 

Like smushed frosting. The cake still tastes good but can you clean up the leftover frosting on the box, in the crevices, coming out of the sides of the cake?

I already know it won't result in more money. It doesn't impress my boss. It doesn't motivate the vendor and the agents don't care.

But somehow I still do?

When does my passion turn into a money earner?

I like reading the ESI Money series. The most recent one I read, the guy was a middle earner who fully admitted he just took the calmer path to Millionnaire by not chasing bonuses and promotions.

I obviously seem more motivated to fix some of this stuff than other people so that must mean something, but what?

The last 5 years have taught me that it means nothing - more work for same money. 

So why do I persist?

I'm not going to open my own call center. I don't enjoy vendor management enough to actively want my boss's job. I hate meetings and chatting.  I just like doing good work. Full stop. 

And I don't even like being nice. 

That's really what it takes at my job to move ahead - be nice and chat. 

I notice all my manager's boss's direct reports are very chatty, including my manager. 

I just don't know anymore what to want or what to do.

So instead of taking such a big bite, why don't I practice keeping my head down; holding my tongue; don't criticize, complain, criticize, correct anything until 2 weeks from now or until I hear back about the other job (whichever is sooner).

Yeah, I think that's a good idea actually. Because, theoretically there should be only 2 likely outcomes - I either get the job OR I don't.

If I don't get the job - I'll re-assess my attitude and see if I can continue in this low gear. At least for the rest of summer!

If I do get the job - it doesn't matter what I do!

Ok, Brain, so just lay low as though you are transitioning out of this job for greener pastures!

You can do this.

I literally signed on to work laptop today thinking...I'm sure there's a cheap win I can find. Why, MERJ, why?! 

What more do you need that your effort amounts to nothing?! I'm like really stuck on why I can't get this through my thick skull!

It's Wichigan

 Haha. Feeling mischievous. I was watching an episode of Shrill and they were making fun of the states outside of New York and California.

I think one of them is Wichigan, they said. It made me laugh. 

Although I think about this job literally every waking minute, I clocked in under 30 hours of active work this week!

Wheee! 

My boss makes it difficult to hold a grudge. She's just so affable and friendly.

Eventhough my brain tricks me into thinking that she's in some evil dungeon plotting my demise, she is still kind and gracious to me. It's freaking confusing. 

I don't know how to disagree with someone. 

If you disagree with me I just feel like you're wholly against me in EVERY SINGLE WAY in EVERY SINGLE MOMENT!

So when I'm upset that my workload seems uneven, in my mind this is intentional and it's because she hates me. When I don't see any inkling that I'll get to be project manager or AD, I see this as a deliberate affront. 

When she doesn't discipline or reprimand My Buddy, I think this is intentional to make me the go-for. 

Why do our brains do this to us.

I know I am intentionally not putting forth the effort I used to and I do it spitefully. I want her to feel my pain. When she doesn't even notice - I don't know if that makes me feel more or less justified. 

In our meetings this week, she is pleasant and helpful and amicable and friendly. She's the woman I still admire and adore and kind of want to be a little bit. It's very confusing being me. 

Then I feel bad and want to up my game again.

But I have to remember this wheel didn't turn into a ladder. 

Then I hear one of her other managers is going to take over an entire vendor. Like a whole vendor and team. I don't know if I heard that correctly because that manager would essentially be the her (a Director) for one of the vendors. THAT'S HUGE. That can't be right because he would be reporting to an Associate Director.  I think I was scared to ask because I didn't want to know the answer. 

Then it makes me think, maybe I should bide my time and pay my dues. And MIND MY BUSINESS.

I notice her reference me a lot in meetings. Now, I don't know if it's the thing you do when you're trying to encourage someone who is weak (where in this case I'm the weak one) OR that thing you do when you're trying to positively reinforce and praise good behavior so that other people will catch on (i.e. my buddy). I think the latter is just wishful thinking because I've been trying for a year to subtly nudge My Buddy to do better but no dice. 

She defends My Buddy to the death so that's just wishful thinking as much as me thinking going above and beyond is going to amount to anything other than burnout.

This was not supposed to be a rant post.

I had 3 things causing me to cast out the world.

- Prepping for this interview on Tuesday

- Writing out some notes for a process we're trying to operationalize

- the wet spot in my ceiling

I didn't want to do either of those 3 things. So a couple hours ago, I finally decided to prioritize 1. The interview is Tuesday. So I chose that.

The writing out of the process is what I would aptly do when I was churning without hesitation but New Me is calling it an Extra, so that cannot be a priority.

And the wet spot doesn't really have an immediate resolution. It's just a long list of phone calls. And honestly as long as I don't use that toilet, the problem is mitigated. 

See when I hear how the Boy Manager is hard working and feeling overworked, it makes me think she does value and see hard work. But I don't really hear her saying that about me. 

I will say not going above and beyond feels BAD. I feel bad. I feel like I'm cheating myself and her but it's kind of working. I willfully didn't attend 2 meetings. Nothing happened. I didn't respond to a couple emails that I usually jump to get to. Nothing happened. Things can just go undone and there's no real consequence. Which makes me think my impact was not as huge as I thought. 

Is this what it's like to be lazy. 

I guess I just feel like for a lot of this stuff, I've done my part. And the time to handoff the responsibility to my other teammates has past. 

This month, I'm going to prioritize my 1 project and leave other things for my teammates to pick up. 

-So my new program (my actual job)

- The Monday reporting (what I was suckered into)

I think that's enough for July.

I'm also leaning into the high of the possibility of getting this job I'm interviewing for on Tuesday. 

Once the rejection comes, the spiral will follow and last probably all of July. Then by August, I can still focus on my project. There are still a lot of things to build and follow-up on. So I'll just leave that as my focus.

So now we're in mid-August. I can extend that to end of August.

And there goes 2 months of keeping my head down and minding my business. 

I'm even going to try to transition these Learning Refreshers away from me. At the very least, I'm not making anymore content.

I'll just write a memo and they can create the content. 

And our Roles and Responsibilities meeting got moved another week. Ha! So much for me thinking it was because she was secretly advocating for me to get a promotion/raise. Ha! What a stupid woman I am (as I secretly still think maybe she just needs more time). Ha!

I wanted to get ribs and smoked meats for this weekend to feel part of the celebration but it's pouring down rain now. 

I feel icky taking advantage of not doing 200% but if these are the rules, then why wouldn't I play be them?