Brain playing tricks on me

 Observations:

- Woke up in Nashville on this fine Saturday morning

- Although I was fine just yesterday, morning tears threatened to fall

- Brain is trying to convince me to live out a fantasy in which I return to Seattle and Sean magically falls in love with me! Oh, how I've missed you, Brain

- I'm fascinated by Living with a Fi. To this day, I've never seen a man actively love his wife and family of origin, but he lives for it! When I hear it, it just sounds like a thing people say....like, of course I love my kids....but men loving their wives and parents...and actively caring for them...foreign to me. 

- Been thinking more about White Male Therapist. He doesn't quite get me. Might go to every other week and add White Female Therapist to the lineup

- Thought I was okay not having anything to do for March, but thinking I want to go somewhere else rather than return to NC on Monday

- Wow, can't believe I'm booking it out of here in 2 days!

- Been avoiding email since Landing and Orkin have not given me what I wanted. Thinking might punt this to April because I refuse to bogged down with CSR nonsense in my birthday month

- Now that next project is pushed back at least a week...kinda wanting to make plans for the whole month, where I find myself not here

- Realized Frenemy and I just don't have the same sense of humor; I find them a bit oppositional; last-wordy; and defensive. Hmmmm

- Emotional Independence is wayyyyy harder than FI. I have to work on it everyday! This must be what it feels like when people struggle with counting calories or counting coins

My last credit union CD matured yesterday, can't wait to move that money out of there! 

Been a game changer to think of reading blog posts as reading. I no longer feel guilty spending all day reading them. Awesome!

Everyday I just want to pat myself on the back. I can't believe I've made it virtually all these years virtually alone. Just me, myself, and I. Wow.

I'm realizing in pursuing FI, I can relate to the wife in Living with a FI. And as a high achiever, I think it'll be hard. Even now, my peer group are reaching milestones I won't. No one to celebrate me or give me compliments or the external validation I've grown up with.

This is also mixed in with EI.

I won't have a wedding or any wedding anniversaries for the rest of my life. Not a 1st, or 5th, or 10th or 50th. I won't have an engagement party or a bridal shower. I won't have a baby shower or get togethers for 1st birthdays or 5th birthday or high school gradations. Or college graduations or that proud moment that the thing you created is a doctor or saving the world. 

I won't have any visitors in my old age. 

I'll never have a retirement party. I won't have any more promotions. I'll likely never be a millionaire.

I won't live in a nice house or ever have a dinner party. I'll never know what it's like to own a luxury car or have a beach house or own a boat. Or live by the water. 

I won't have a summer house or lake house or ski chalet. 

I'll never be a VP or an Executive Director.

No one will ever celebrate me. Ever. 

I'll never get another word of external validation. I'll never fit in with my peers. I'll never be a part of any social milestone conversation. I'm out of the conversation completely. All of it forever. 

What kind of life is this?

Do you see what I mean when I say I've reached the end. 

Bonus Day is the best day ever!

 This time after the disaster of March 2021, I went into bonus day with no expectations. I was low key just thinking I'll be happy with the 100% that is pretty much guaranteed unless you're on a performance improvement plan. I am not! 

Eventhough, I was fairly certain given what's been done in the past, I would get more. But I paid no attention to the numbers. And I got the same bonus amount as last year! Win! Aaaaand, I got a 4% raise! Small potatoes for the rest of the world, but for my working life, I've historically gotten just a 2% raise. Maybe it's inflation and what everyone got, but I was happy! I am hoping it's because I asked for more and called out the fact that I'm 10% below market rate. That would be the cherry on top, but for now I can bask in this narrative. 

But let's count my many blessings:

- Working from home

- Virtually 2 weeks with no work - which I actually could anticipate ahead of time and skipped out of town! Wasn't ballsy enough to leave the country, but that's okay.

I will say in middle adulthood, time slowed down a bit for me. You get used to the cycle of things. I can think of nothing at this point that feels once-in-a-lifetime. Yeah, I might miss some sales, but there will probably be something that's an even better deal the next time around. I thought I'd reached this level of reasoning and problem solving when I had 30 years of data. But with 39 years of data, I know even more about predictable outcomes! 

I have to say claiming this emotional independence has been a game changer! It's amazing. I was privied to someone else's emotional journey recently, and like we FIers are wont to do... I couldn't help but reflect on my position. I grandstanded a little internally, like...phew, I'm so glad I'm not a slave to the emotional labor of human connections. 

A great interaction with another human is like an emotional windfall, but it's not something I can count on or something I need to depend on. 

Yasssssssssss! 

I feel great. Really, really great! Now how can I bottle this up and feel like this all the time! 

The next thing I want to do is try to figure out how much I'm going to net. To be sure, my gross bonus is about $32k and some change. I don't even remember how much the net was last year, but this year I'm tucking away about 27% to my 401k so it can be maxed out by the end of this month. Actually, I wonder if I have enough time to change it to max it out for this Mar 15 pay check. I think I just wanted it maxed out by end of March. 

I really don't want to run those numbers again. So I might do nothing. And then I'll just keep the 6% after tax to continue to get the match, and just save a bit more...cuz why not.

Yay!! I feel free.

Dude, I woke up in Nashville to a windfall of money and a slow workday. I did a DIY vegan bakery tour yesterday, and it was oddly fun in a low key way. I am learning or maybe re-learning to enjoy my own company.

Downtown Nashville, specifically, the bus depot had quite a bit of colorful characters. Basically, I finally saw black people! 

Now that I'm on this high, I'm going to grandstand and make a lot of big sweeping thoughts.

As much as I mostly hate where I live, I think it's fine. I'll live there forever. Who cares. I'll just keep taking these random trips and spending this money. And then I'll die.

I feel freed (yet again, albeit), but free...again...nonetheless. With my new stance on emotional independence, I'm no longer a slave to this emotional deficit. I'm okay. And as it turns out I'll be okay.

In a grand sweep, I even dare to day, tracking my emotions has helped in the same way tracking my spending helps. It's impactful to just notice, I don't ALWAYS feel anyway. I do feel the same thing OFTEN, but not ALWAYS. 

So yes, my life will likely resemble a cycle of low days and neutral days and some good days mixed in. I will probably never reach rad. But I hope I don't fall back into awful anytime soon. Like with finances, I will never reach billionaire status, and even millionaire status is a bit of a reach, but poverty is also very low risk. Dare I say virtually impossible, at least not in the next 10 years. 

At 40, I'm finally getting a hold of my emotional house. It sucks that it was in such disrepair, but oh well.  I was overspending on things that I didn't value, and not spending on the things I did. All my emotional energy was spent on achieving and making friends that didn't last. Honestly, not all were bad, just not long lasting. And I was able to get 2 jobs from friends, so no hate there. But had I done inventory on my emotional investment, I would have prioritized my aunt. That's my single regret.

But I was raging about work so much, that after graduation, that's where my emotional energy went. Just being mad. And not really knowing what to do about it. Now that I was able to tease out the financial component, I can focus on the emotional side. 

After my aunt's death, my emotional bank was empty, at a deficit even. I tried all kinds of things to fill it - pursuing a new job; overachieving in my old job; trying so hard to get my old manager to consider me like family - I wanted her to take care of me...weird of me. I hate to be dramatic and say I escaped an abusive relationship...because it wasn't like that... it was just a weird 1-sided entanglement of my own design. I chased romantic relationships I had once scoffed at because that hole was so deep and vast and it consumed me. 

Then I hit rock bottom and took Step 2 of 4 to end my life. Or step 98 of 100, who knows...

And now I'm here. 

Even more thoughts on emotional independence

 So I'm continuing to reflect and ruminate on emotional independence, specifically in the context of financial independence.

I'm looking at emotional currency and emotional safety net.

I remember when my primary caregiver passed away, the best way I could describe it was feeling like my emotional safety net was snatched away. But the thing was, I never even realized it was there. 

So through the grief and tears, I immediately wanted another person to fill that role.

Like a job I guess.

I found myself 'unemployed' emotionally - I didn't have a source of emotional income or support anymore.

And I lost my mind. 

So I tried to find it in other people. Specifically a romantic relationship. If I could just get someone to commit to me, I would never be alone and emotionally lacking again.

It's that elusive search for the dream job. 

But I reeked of desperation an anxious attachment. 

But somehow I've cobbled myself back together. I have only the passive income of past relationships to feed off of.  I have the psychological benefit of the years I spent being cared for and old friendships. I have the margin of extended family for the most dire of circumstances. I have the semblance of enough.

I also have therapy. 

And I have myself.

I have enough within me to be my own emotional support system. 

That's where it's a little different from financial independence. There wasn't anything external that was empty and I could see continue to increase.

It was a mindset change. 

I know that what I have right now is enough. It's me, my wonky brain, professional help, and the dividends of past relationships. Having had a supportive caregiver and friends in the past helped me to get to where I am now. It also provides good data on what is actually beneficial.

I have the memories of friendships. At times, it's souring to know they ended. But I also have the benefit of having experienced them.

So now, when I think of reaching out to boys I used to be interested in, I evaluate it like the FI community is taught to do. Do I have the emotional currency to afford this? Is it valuable enough? Does it add enough joy to my life to make the emotional currency spent worth it? 

If I want to reach out to a high risk human, I can ask myself if I have the emotional currency for this interaction.

No, I don't. 

I have just enough to get me through the next moment. And I have to have a little reserve for the variables like microaggressions and stress at work. I don't have emotional currency to spare for risky, variable, non-essential interactions like new friendships or romantic entanglements. I have to prioritize what I spend my emotional currency on. Just like you do with monetary transactions.

I didn't have to do this as ostensible with real FIRE, but it is certainly a practice I'm learning with emotional independence. 

Ok, that's enough for now, I have a 1:1 I have to get ready for. 

I actually didn't enjoy being in a relationship

 So I asked my counselor about the benefits of being in a relationship. He claims a vast majority of people enjoy caring about and sharing life events with an intimate partner. His specific example was a concert he recently attended with his wife. She would prefer to experience an event like that with her partner > friends > going solo.

He summarized for me that it's a personal experience. Only I can decide if it's beneficial for me. I can look at my life without one and with one. I immediately thought, well I've never been in one, so hard to say. I was basing my opinions on the lives of those around me. That magical connection is what I couldn't see, but the tangible things I could see from their highlight reel just didn't seem enough. 

But then I remembered (although I will always deny it)...I did date someone for about 2 years. It was so unmemorable, I've been able to successfully remove it from my historical narrative. Without trying to dredge up the past, I feel like part of why it ended was exactly what I'm saying... I don't see how he added value to my life.

It seemed young and arrogant then, but it's still is true. Outside of finally being able to post for an invisible audience - see "I can get a man, too!".... I found the entire experience tiresome. 

I wish there was more to say. And I wish I would stop looking for someone's blessing to say, it's okay to not want a partner. It's okay to be single by choice/ single for life. No one (but also everyone) will judge you. No one will think you've failed. You have my blessing. You get an intellectual free pass. You will never have to defend your position.  Choose a lane sister- either you're invisible or you have an audience of people watching your every move. 

I choose the former. I come and go as I please. 

Lest we forget, as the young kids say.... no one is checking for you. You are an inconsequential blip on the radar of an that audience exists (and thus matters) only as much you require them to. 

Wednesday in Nashville!

 It's March 1. And so commences my birthday month. I'm feeling like a baddie. Nothing is going to get me down! Nope, no jinxes. 

I don't believe in you!

I turn 39 this month and in about 10 days!!!

Whoa!

So suck it, white woman who was clutching her purse. You look twenty and you're wearing a half shirt.. I'm pretty sure you have no money. Suck it, married people, good luck untangling your finances when your marriage ends!

Suck it, Mean Brain. You can go hide in a corner where you belong.

It definitely feels better to make other people small. Why else would people do it.

Suck it to all my friends who decided to be friends with other people. May you never know anyone as awesome as me. Suck it to all prime mates who never ever see me. I hope your skinny white wife murders you. 

Yeah, I said it. What are you going to do about it?! 

Oh yeah, nothing.

Just like nothing will ever happen to all the people who wrong all the people. 

Nothing ever happens.

You go to therapy. Or you don't. And life moves on whether you like it or not.

That's just life. That's all we're reduced to now.

What...you didn't get your dream x,y,z...that's just life.

That person did x,y,z to you...that's just life.

Oh well.

I refuse to be burdened by the world's problems.

My burgers finally came last night. And hope against all hope, they were delivered right to my door. I didn't have to worry about what to wear or run into a ghastly human. Nope, I cracked open my door and they were right there!

It happened exactly the way I wanted. Rare, these days.

And even though I thought I could wait. After an hour or two, my stomach decided it was hungry and I made the burgers.

I didn't have ketchup and I thought I'd hyped them up too much. But nope...still good! I don't know what they put in that meat, but it's the simplest recipe and it's so yummy!

Even the fries with fry seasoning. I thought since the pan was crowded it would be mushy and soft. And they were soft, but they still had nice flavor and a chewy texture. Yummy!

Has anything ever tasted soooo good?!

I think today I might get a soda and/or an icee since the frose of yesterday was a bust. I was thinking since it's a hot day I might get the vegan ice cream.

But honestly vegan ice cream sucks. It doesn't taste like ice cream.

I feel like today's my birthday even though it's not really. But dude, I'm like 39, man. And I'm unofficially retired living in my backwater town. 

I'm going to toss those weird Kroger cookies I bought that I suspect is making my farts smell really bad and my gut bubble.

Stop hurting yourself, dummy!

F those dudes who don't see what I have to offer.

F everyone.

It's my time.

How does that song go....my time is now!

I want to run around and celebrate. But I'll keep that in my head for now.

Dude I made it.

I was sick for two months while working on 2 demanding projects.

And today I feel free and hopeful.

I made it to bonus day. I was hoping there was a glitch and our bonus amounts were posted, but nada. I have to wait for this meeting tomorrow.

And then I can apply for that glorious $900 Chase bonus. Super pumped!

Did I already say I'm not applying for the Chase card just yet. I know that's sacrilege if you want to be a real churner. But in the immediate future, I need to get that AA card.

I reached FI last year around this time.

This time I'm striving for EI...emotional independence. It's all a mindset change. 

And just like FI, reaching EI is the beginning of the journey...or at least a new journey.

I'm accidental EI. I was thrust here. I had to be emotionally independent because there's no one left to take care of me.

I was panicked about spending $2k to be alone in Nashville, but I'm also lucky. I can afford to spend $2k to be alone in Nashville!

See how that works. Same facts, different packaging. Isn't that what it means to be American. Repackaging. 

You can just make up rules. 

I was bummed that my free week in Wilmington fell through, which means this time away was even more expensive, but oh well.

Because now that I came, I don't feel as strongly about immediately going on another trip. Woot!

And as for my sweats....the cause of days of panic. Amazon has kindly returned what I didn't pick up and is refunding my money..automatically. No clicks! I love when technology works.