Some Tuesday Evening Thoughts

 It is already a balmy Tuesday evening in early spring. Quite a lot of mental moves today. Right now I feel good. I am leading a meeting tomorrow that was stressing me out and I have a few agenda topics, so that should help. Phew.

I finished with enough time to get a hamburger and fries and a cold drink from McDs but stayed on the phone much too long with a colleague.

That's okay. I think that will be ending soon.

I feel good. Having this task done has released some feel good endorphins. Yay, thanks, God!

I don't think I cried much since 12noon.

I, of course, did write out many plans.

In my plans to escape to a 3 month sabattical for about $3k, I ended up booking an AirBnB for about 5 days in May to a nearby mountain retreat.

It was the easiest to book and I have until the day before to cancel. Perfect!

I wanted to get away and do it fast. I knew the planning and clicking was going to be the death of me, so AirBnB suggested Boone, NC and I went for it. 

I think the trip was around $800 and even better they have a Pay Some Now, Pay Some Later so I didn't have to worry about taking a huge sum out of my checking account. It's almost like paying with a credit card. I should have nearly 2 paychecks by the time the full amount is due. I might even have my tax refund by then! 

So not the most optimized trip, but I was in survival mode...again.

No worries, that's what money is for! Keep me alive - first and foremost!!! 

That helped, just to book it, and pay for it. And I also have escape hatches should I change my mind.

So yes, while not the exotic locale nor the getaway out of this state, it helped my mental state.

Next I decided to go ahead and sign up to volunteer next weekend with the science competition. I think that will count as my April event and the Boone trip will count as my May event. Yay, so my $300 hairstyle won't all be for naught!

For the Volunteer event, my hope is to treat myself to the chinese buffet with crab. I'll be paying full price for dinner and weekend price. Yikes!

And for the May trip, my hope is to go out for lunch or a meal daily, hopefully walking and also take an afternoon stroll daily. I think I might use 1 PTO day for the drive back since it's a weekday. 

I like this because it's a little taste of pre-retirement.

So yes, I think I'm just trying to recalibrate and really enjoy this pre-retirement stage. I'm grateful. 

I decided to let Easter be a renewal of spirit for me as well. Cut my lossess and save my life. I want to restore my soul. So I'm hanging up my love-card. The pure, perfect love my soul yearns for is probably not biblical anyway. I'll await it in heaven. Where everything is pure and perfect.

That's all I'll say for now. I'm giving myself from now to after my May trip to washout of that loss mindset. I want to get back to my solo life. 

Even these day long chats with my colleague will need to taper off. I need to work on my emotional resilience. Her life is getting bigger and I don't need to be burdening anyone with my trifles. God was always supposed to be enough but my aunt's death just seemed so unbearable that I couldn't hold myself up anymore. So I ended up with people in my life that are tricky to keep at best. 

I'm still holey (as in filled with holes), but that's just who I am now. 

Some other money stuff

- Although tempted to keep the new pairs of tennis shoes I bought, I'm returning the one that doesn't fit as well with socks because let's be honest although I tried to jump start my social life, that wasn't actually the reality. So one will be returned.

- On the advice of the internet, I tried to get a quote from Thumbtack and Taskrabbit to install my ceiling fan. One guy quoted me $400 and I never got a response from anyone else. I was thinking this was like a $50 job. Lowe's is charging about $150, but I'm hoping I can get them to do 2 fans for that price. So that's on my agenda.

- I'm half thinking of getting a housecleaner, but that's TBD.

- And I want to get a second trash can for the kitchen. Big money! 

Other than that, I think I'm going to pause my dating profile this weekend sometime and then fully delete it before or after my May trip. The shop is closed! 

There is still a part of me that wants to move and start again, just not sure where. 

I don't think chasing happiness can be the goal. Since survival is my objective, then maybe physical and emotional safety have to be at the top of my priority list. What does that look like? 

I can't let this take me out (and some money stuff)

 I don't know if the this is 'dating' or any particular boy, but I can't let it take me out. I can't go out like this. 

If it's going to cause me this much distress, it's not worth it. Especially distress without much of the good stuff. I was even crying in my sleep. Just writing the word 'crying' is bringing on the waterworks.

I think it's less so about any 1 boy but by closing my heart to this means I will have lived a life without love. And that sucks.

In the last hour though, I was able to check our upcoming paystub and it looks like I'll be getting about $2100/pp net pay with my new 401k contributions (about 30% between pre-tax and after-tax).

That's enough to fund a $30k/yr spend (or $2500/mon spend) which is good. That was the first thing I wanted to make sure of after the change. (Side note, I'll be done maxing out pre-tax 401k in about 3 months, but most of the money is there only got about $2k to go!)

But if I'm mentally teetering on the edge like this, I at least want to help out my family overseas. So I'm unofficially adding $6k/yr (or $500/mon) to this year's budget. The plan is to send the amount quarterly. 

I finally submitted my taxes and am due back about $3k, so I can send the first quarter's installment ($1,500) once I get that back. 

But based on this unofficial line item, I think I may need to reduce my aftertax contribution from 24% to 20% to try to recoup some of that.

I technically could make it work with my current net pay but it would be just barely. And this year, I'm trying to not be living on an anemic budget.

CC Bill

So my CC bill is still hovering around $1500. I made the $25 minimum payment that was due earlier this week as I decide what I want to do. I have about $200 in cashback I can use towards the balance, so that's good. But I think what I decided this morning is to work toward paying off the washer/dryer portion and then keep making minimum payments until the sneakers start selling so that money has a purpose. If you recall about $800 of the bill is from the washer/dryer. And $700 is from my brief foray into reselling sneakers. The card has 0% intro rate for the rest of the year so I have time to pay it off. 

I think I'd rather build a little more cushion in my Hub account before paying off a big bill. And with talk of taking a modified sabbatical I want to have more cash on hand. 

More sabbatical talk

So since yesterday this sabbatical has taken on many forms. I was going to use that $3k tax refund as a budget guide but it ultimately wouldn't get me far. Since this is more of a panic-sabbatical getting the best deal is unlikely. I mostly want to get out of this crying house tomorrow.

I think right now I just need a physical act to distance myself from the recent pain.

In other news I'm like 50% decided I'm going to drive the 1.5 -2 hours to volunteer next weekend. And treat myself to crab buffet afterward. I really hope they're still open and still have crabs! I think the metric I used was: I like doing it, it'll get me out of the house, and what else do I have going on! Part of me is still thinking of starting a team at the nearby elementary school, but we shall see. 

I digress.

Back to sabbatical. I did some cursory searches and Google had given me a top 5 list of

- Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia Canada (1500 mile drive/ 24hr drive)

- San Diego (2500 miles/ 37hr drive)

- Oslo, Norway

- Iceland

- Porto, Portugal

I searched Canada. It's not the first time a Google search has landed me in Canada as a possible destination spot. But the prices there were around the $$2k/mon mark. Similarly in San Diego and even in Norway. Portugal was closer to the $1k to 1.5k. But oh, yeah plane tickets.

So this imaginary sabbatical of 3 months got distilled down to maybe 1 month now and 1 or 2 months later.

Going somewhere in the summer lacks a certain appeal but I'm back in survival mode - a place I know best. 

Now I'm thinking somewhere drivable so I can escape my escape if I need to. 

Who knows maybe this all just me avoiding doing the work that's due tomorrow.  Meh. 

How many times can I grieve the loss of this dream. It's getting a little ridiculous. 

I think I even checked Catskills NY since A Purple Life had such rave reviews about it. 

I'll probably putz around with it for a few more hours before doing some actual work. 

I feel like I'm going through some sort of mourning

 I feel like I'm going through some sort of mourning process. This can't all be about a boy I only knew for 2 weeks. I hadn't even really pictured our life together. 

I think it's just what it all means. I know the only way I currently know how to recover from the sadness is to pretend like it never happened. To swear to never date again. To close my heart to love - the thing I want most.

I want someone all to myself. Someone I don't have to share with the world. I want something pure and perfect and lovely. Something untarnished by the world. 

30 minutes of crying later...

Maybe it's time I take that modified sabattical. Theoretically, when my submission is submitted I should have a bit of  a break until the fall. Can I make a run for it?

Is there anywhere that makes sense to go to for 3 months that won't be oppressively hot?

Do I move out of Death House? There are too many tears here. Do I just keep restarting my life until I find one I like?

I don't want to live alone anymore.

I don't like living here. Am I too old to be this unhappy?...all the time?

I mean I have the money now, can I at least try to temporarily buy my happiness?

Am I just in distress and looking for temporary solutions.

Leaving the house for 3 months is kind of frightening of what I mind find when I get back. 

I don't want to feel this

 Dear  Self,

Today you feel terrible. Like you will be alone forever. Every so often you get this way. You cry and nothing helps. You pray and nothing helps. This time you tried dating and it was just enough to leave you with dashed hopes. It was better than not trying at all.

You spent so much on this hair that you don't know whether to try to fit in a few more dates or cut your losses before sinking deeper in despair.

When does the struggle stop? When do I get to be happy?

I just find it hard to believe that other people get to be loved and you don't. I'd love to tell you that your time will come, but more than likely it won't.

There's no way anyone's dream takes this long and they're still happy when they receive it. When do I get to be someone's one and only, someone's first choice. When do I get to know what it feels like to have that first look, first hug, first kiss with someone who truly loves you and wants to make you happy.

But maybe this is just a big lie that is circulating like working until you're 65 and then retiring and then dying at 80ish. 

Actually, that's only a 15 year retirement or for those lucky enough to do it at 62 or 60, I guess that's still a 20 year retirement. So maybe I shoot for 15 years. My aunt only got 8, so maybe I only need to do 9 to do a little better than her.

My aunt who gave everything to help so many people died alone. She was married a few times but obviously none of those were heart-stopping, life-affirming love. 

How does a girl get such grand dreams. How does a lowly immigrant girl dare to dream so big. My life is not a fairy tale. I just thought once I got out of the survival stage, there would be some joy. 

If someone offered me the blue pill out of this life, I'm not sure I wouldn't take it. What else is there to live for? Why can't I be like everyone else? 

I wish I loved to travel. Maybe I should get a kid? What am I supposed to do now? Well, now that my license is updated, I actually can apply for a carry permit.

Is this really how it ends for me.

Small town girl makes big. Dies.

Imagining my Life Solo

 The plan was always to do it solo, then my aunt died expectedly and I reached FIRE early, unexpectedly.

Both of those things have impacted my wanting to do any other part of my life solo. Or maybe I'm just trying to glom on to the next goal. 

I don't know what it is but I can't seem to reset back to my melancholy self. Maybe because this time I might just end things.

Dating definitely doesn't make me happy, but I don't like the option of not having anyone. Every time I switch my location back to my actual area on Hinge, my face wrinkles up in disgust. What is the message here? I think I am still looking for someone to rescue me.

Without fail, after removing the 2 most recent cancer-dates from my line of sight, it's all I thought about all weekend. I almost immediately wanted to find a way to contact both of them. But I've always been right about these things. And even if I haven't been, I have to believe I have. Nearing 40, it's hard to fall for my own tricks. 

But this was always going to be my life. As much as I'm trying to relate dating to pursuing FIRE, it's just not the same for me. I think dating for me would be like pursuing Fat FIRE. I don't live a FAT life to begin with so trying to get an even higher paying job to cash flow a higher cost of living is giving me anxiety just thinking about it.

A Lean FIRE life at 20k/year is the best I can do given my personal limitations. And unfortunately a lean social life is the best I can do given my personal limitations. I'd like to make it to 20 years, but I doubt I will.

Going the last 2 days with a ping-free existence was deafening. I felt like the silence was just going to swallow me up. This is really how it ends for me? What was it all for?

Then I remember my Base Model House, my Gold Tooth, my past Shaved Head, My Wombless Body, my Hood Adjacent Neighborhood and I'm not shocked. These are all battle scars of a future that was already known. I deserve to be earned, my thirteen year old self whispered to me. I knew this 20+ years ago, but the price was always too high. 

Please bury me with my money. 

It's a month to the day since I turned 38. I shouldn't even be in this head space. This "lack" has totally clouded reaching this 4 year goal! I freaking reached FIRE, world! And who is there to celebrate me? No one. Does it make the achievement any less special, honestly yeah. People are there to remind you of your beatdowns, but who was there to ring the bell when I crossed that finish line. 

I can't decide if it's worth driving the 90-100 miles to volunteer at the state tournament this year. I have nothing else to do, but what's my metric these days? What bucket does that fall into?