Bonus Day and Facebook Envy

 

Bonus Day

Yesterday was bonus day. My gross bonus was about $32k. Wowzers! I don't know why it hasn't hit me yet? Might be my pre-occupation with falling in love. If I do a rough estimate of 75% of that, I might be walking away with $24k after tax. That's amazing! Although I wanted to save $30k for FIRE-Year 1 Cash, I might just take the $24k and return to my regularly scheduled programming.

I'm grateful. Really, I am. 

My investment portfolio is tumbling down. I'm not that mad about it. I just thought it would be nice to see that nice round $500k this month, but it doesn't look like that's happening anytime soon. 

I know psychologically I need to keep the Year 1 Cash away from my hub account, but I'm still deciding where to keep it. Bank 1 has 1% interest with a direct deposit. But it recently had a security breach and they don't really have a secure portal for messages and documents. And frankly, I don't want to keep making direct deposits to it, even at $1. I just want to close this chapter and move on. 

The other options are Broker 1 and Broker 2. They're a bit more established. The interest rate is abysmal, but it might be a little safer. They have brokered CDs which are new to me. It might be okay for 1 year I suppose, but I like the idea of the cash being just a little bit more liquid because at this point all my Safety Net / Year 1 Cash is tied up in some sort of CD. So I'm still mulling it over. 

I think I was more okay with the Year 1 Cash being in the Bank because I thought I would be accumulating it over time but with my bonus, that is no longer the case. 

I don't know. 

Facebook Envy

I've been on Facebook for only a few days and Facebook Envy and Anxiety has already returned. It's basically like texting a boy times a million. Yep, I already stalked him. He's not on social media. Everyone appears to have such beautiful lives. Will I even make it to 90 days.

I'm already starting to lose hope about everything.

I don't want to be alone forever.

I just don't know what else to do.

I know I can't live in limbo forever.

The Fantasy

I want the fantasy. I want someone to want me. I want someone to seek me out and find me. To make me feel safe and desired. To want to listen to me. To be a shoulder to cry on. To rub my back when I'm sad. To reassure me with their actions and words that they love me. I don't want to guess. I don't want to be okay with them not contacting me. I don't want to be okay with living in ambiguity. I don't want to be afraid that they might leave me. 

But that's not modern dating. 

Even though right now it feels like breadcrumbs are better than nothing, I know I'll get past it. I'm just not the person that can subsist on breadcrumbs as evidenced by my outburst. I know what it's like to be loved unconditionally. It exists. So maybe app dating isn't for me. I already knew that. 

I've already been here. 

Zero Fs Given

 So Bonus Day is today, and I'm not even that concerned. It's kind of up in the air and really haven't given it much thought. My workload the last half of the year was gift enough (so to speak).

I'm mostly concerned with dating and how obsessed I am with it. I even joined Facebook yesterday. Fantasy Brain is saying maybe there's someone I can reconnect with that might secretly love me. Yes, I want some secret love. But when I look through the Rolodex of my brain, I'm hard pressed to find any love connections.

A colleague shared a story of a man in his 70s that reconnected with a teenage love interest. It's the stuff of romance novels. There was even a secret love child that was had and given up for adoption. Can you imagine!!

I've never had a relationship, so there's no one to secretly love. And a friend of a friend just married her white husband and had a baby. She actually played the Zero-F's-Given game with her guy and it worked!!!

I just wish I had known!

I've had such mixed feelings about the latest dating app reject.

I actually engaged with a military guy because he was at least single, never married, and no-kids. And it was as ridiculous as I thought. Overweight and still trying to play the cool guy. He called me, 'hun' and I called him out and he snapped back with the whole I'm not changing for anyone.

Hmm, Dapple had said something similar. So in that moment, I equated Dapple with that guy and he no longer was in shining armor. I was kind of grossed out. 

I know I'm still single because I think I'm the prize and no one else seems to. I just reject the idea that I have to change who I am to accommodate them when we're the freaking prize!! 

So for the next 3 months, that's why I'm living in the fantasy. Then after that I can go back to falling in line and trying to play the game. I know it's not something I can play for long before I blow up. 

I chatted with my Racist Friend yesterday and it made me want to barf every time he talked about women and his focus on physical appearance. He always ends every talk about a potential girl with what if she gets fat. It's gross. He's gross. 

Well we know why he's alone. I think he believes the social media tropes that this is what "good" looks like. 

But guys like this are still allowed to exist. 

I mean in the end, is the best person you know really that much different than any of the other good ones. The margin of difference is sometimes undetectable.

At least that's where I am right now. 

Never Been Kissed

 I feel like I've blogged about this before but it's feeling especially salient right now. I don't know why I've become so obsessed with finding love. It consumes my every waking moment and even some of my sleeping moments.

My birthday is on Friday. I'll be turning 38. Thirty-freaking-eight! 

I've never been kissed and it sucks. Since my counselor sort of gave me the OK to feel all my feelings, I feel like that's all I want to do. Feel all the feelings. 

I woke up sad that my prayers aren't working. I keep trying to commit to a prayer diet or prayer fast. I don't know what it's called but basically pray a prayer for a certain amount of time. But I get so discouraged praying for love.

I feel like it's a prayer that's been in my heart for 38 years. If God hasn't answered it in almost 4 DECADES, what makes me think he'll answer it now.

I'm torn between trying to suppress how much I wanted things to work out with Dapple (read: cute, successful, educated, financially stable guy) and trying to contact him and giving up on dating altogether.

In the middle of despair, I got a potential match on Hinge. And everything is good again! 

My heart was still telling me it's a 2-year journey. But can I trust that?

Side note: I think Hinge puts you in a holding pattern for 1 week when you rejoin. I got NO matches in Seattle that first week..well maybe 2... and now I got 2 overnight. 

I've made so many bargains with myself.

The current one is:

Stay in Seattle until 11:59pm EST on Thurs, Mar 10 (1 day before my birthday). Then after that of course, you have to face the music that you'll die alone forever having never been kissed.

I gave up on this at 27 because who wants to be a 37 year old still feeling butterflies for a crusty old man. I was right. This is not what I want. I want the fantasy. 

But somehow, the boy-crazy feelings came back. They refused to be battened down. 

I'm so disappointed I spent $300 on this hair for a date that never happened because... married. 

I made a list of all the undesirable traits I find in my current dating pool and ranked them from least worst to worst-worst. I just needed to figure out how to accept this. It's either this or nothing. And old me was like I'd rather have nothing, but apparently that's not true. My face frowns just thinking about it. Having to hold your nose and close your eyes just to be with someone. But then I look around at death House. I'll probably stick to it for a couple years and then go back to being alone. 

I've always been the girl with 'long eye' as they say where I come from. Always wanting what I can't have or just beyond what I do have. 

There's another fantasy where I reach out to Dapple...you know just one more time... because obviously the 3 months we were in contact weren't enough... he just needs one more nudge to magically fall in love with me. The fantasies have been...

- If I get the 2nd job, I'll contact him either on Hinge or text to tell him the good news. There will be some winding tale of how I made contact

- I wish I had suggested we take a break for a month so I wouldn't be in this turmoil.

- I wish I'd had a longer timeline...like 9 months before I called it quits.

- I was wrong.. breadcrumbs are better than nothing. I don't know where all this 'knowing your worth' and 'claiming your power' came from. I'm just alone with no prospects. There's no chance!

- I contact him in 3 months because the internet said so.

- I contact him in 1 year because he'll be turning 40 and allegedly desperate. 

But I don't think men are like that. My brother has turned 40+ and seems to be in no rush to make any major life changes. If they feel any sort of societal pressure, they sure don't show it.

Here are 6 undesirable characteristics of my current dating pool. From worst-worst to least-worst. 

W6: Poor/ under-employed

W5: Military

W4: Dad

W3: Divorced

W2: Overweight

W1: Bald

Here's what I want: cute, financially stable/rich, never married, no kids, not fat.

Yeah, I didn't think I prioritized looks but when the dental hygienist was like I tried dating people I was unattracted to and I just couldn't do it, I laughed, but now I'm like hmmm.

I definitely noticed I don't try as hard with people who possess the traits above. Dapple was none of those things. 

I think that's what makes me so mad sometimes. When these men who go after women who are opposite them physically and still think they can act crazy. I feel like those are the rules, when you're not as attractive, you have to try harder. I do, and so should you!

But eternally, poor, overweight dudes still think they have a shot with hot girls. I'm here for it! That mediocre white man confidence is a thing to be bottled.

So yeah, I'm gonna bat out of my league as well, she scoffs.

And then I get a dose of reality. 

So I think life approaching FIRE, I felt like I had to lock in a life decision. 

It's just tough to know what to do. Being ready for a relationship isn't a default setting for me. It's effort in attitude and physical appearance. I have to try. So, I need to decide what I want to do so I can take the appropriate steps and make arrangements. 

Maybe it's a day at a time? It can't be. 

Maybe it's being on the apps consistently for a full 3 months. Even if that means I hide my profile. 

Maybe it's 3 months of going after what I want, the way I want, and then after that settling for what's left. Or split the difference?

If I do it 3 months my way, then 3 months of Reality, that should take me clear to September. That's the year gone. I guess that can work. 

Then September I can be free. That will be just about a year of this nonsense. Do I go to Seattle? I want to go to Seattle! I want to go on dates and be kissed and feel pretty. 

Do I go during Fantasy 3 months or in September when the weather is nice again? My hair is already done for the next 3 months. I don't see myself spending more hair money in September. 

Another Divorced White Guy and some Minor Money Stuff

 So of course every hour on a dating app feels like a lifetime where I re-evaluate all my preferences and life choices.

So the March Flavor of the month (more on that later) was an Apple. The first few text exchanges were promising then of course there was a lull and I felt doomed. But decided to buck-up and not get so swept up in theatrics. But of course, Doomsday Brain never leads me wrong. Never (she said sarcastically). 

It's just hard to know what is reality and what is fantasy. We danced around a date, but he never really asked me out. And then I asked if he was okay with a virtual date and then crickets for 24+ hours. So I freaked out and this automatically moved him to the top of the interest list. 

So I added him to the Spreadsheet. 

One of the line items on there was Divorced/Kids. I realized I hadn't checked but I just knew he had to be single. I didn't want to think about how I would feel if he was divorced. I don't know ...41 just seems so young to be divorced. And I think with him being FIRE'd, I figured he couldn't have been able to swing that and a divorce.

I think his financial solvency just made him such a catch, I didn't want to entertain any potential strikes.

But something he said made me wonder. He was in the process of getting his house in a bustling city ready to move to the burbs. Errrr, what? Who does that after they FIRE? No one! So then I asked if he was divorced.

Home boy is separated (read: still married!!). I'm trying to reconcile it but I immediately thought:

- You're still married!

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Why did you present as single?

- I mean I want to say I understand that separated is a lawful thing but that means you're less than 1 year from being divorced. Are you really ready to date? Is this the reason for the hesitancy? Do I want to be someone's post-divorce first pancake? I also want to know if I think you're such a catch, what's your actual damage that your wife left you? Most of all, is it another divorced white guy who wants to try something "new" with me. I don't want to be anyone's "opposite" of their ex. I don't want to be anyone's consolation prize. I don't know. It's a trend that has been my experience on Hinge. A lot of divorced white guys who now exclusively date outside their race where they didn't before. From my perspective, part of it is unresolved hurt. I just think it's weird that now you only want to date non-white women. It's weird. That's my truth. 

Plus, divorced. 

It's just hard to know how to reconcile what you want vs what's available. 

So I was prepped to move him off the checklist. The other prospect, prompted by the Separated Guy, I asked him if he was married or had kids. He has a 2-year old. 

I don't know why I have this mental block with the divorced and people with kids. I think it's just this artifact of your former life and I'm just all about the clean break. 

Maybe in my 50s I'll be okay with it. 

I meet with my counselor today. I'm curious to see if she has any perspective on it. 

So that's the update.

Oh, the other thing was I was re-committing to my area. I was going to stay out of Seattle because I had to give up the ghost on being rescued and whisked away from here. But then I remembered, oh yeah, it wasn't just that. There just aren't that many available age-appropriate guys in my area. For the fantasy that I wanted - a financially stable, educated guy, who has never been married with no kids. That's just not in my area in high volume. So that's why.

So I changed my location back to Seattle and boosted my profile for 24 hours. I spent $22 and got NADA!!

So I'm all over the place. I think I was reading yet another internet article about someone just getting off the app right away and that changed her experience. I considered it for a moment but realized that's not what I wanted. I don't want to just go on dates. I want to find a partner. The success for me or tracking of progress isn't getting dates, it's meeting someone to be in a relationship with. 

I had tossed around the idea of taking a break after 1 eligible match per month. I thought Apple was the match to explore this month. He turned out not to be that eligible since he's still married! So what do I now. Do I hunt for another match for the month or do I call it? Bachelor #2 had a 2 year old, so those were really my prospects.

I think mentally, I considered that the eligible matches for the month, so I'm a little over it.

Money Stuff

So, my name change got approved at work! Yay, it was a source of minor stress that now I  feel giddy!! I was going to change it on my Hub account, but I think I want to wait until I make one more money move. I'm curious if the paycheck will successfully deposit since the names don't match. So we shall see. 

As for my 401k, I was supposed to switch it back to 9% contribution per pay period, but decided I want to play in this down market a little bit longer. And not wanting to complicate it, I just decided to do that in my 401k vs taxable account. So I'll leave it at 50% for one more month (March). After that from April on, I aim to do 6% which should only be around $300/pp. I'll go over and that will be invested after-tax which will be fine. I still want to hoard 1 year of FIRE Cash just to close out this goal but not at the expense of my yearly expenses. I still am targeting a $30k spend for the year. 

Oh, I finally got my refund from Lowe's. So I need to get to buying a washer and dryer. 

You are allowed to feel what you feel

So this is actually something that Dapple said to me when I was feeling all my feelings. So yes, friends, I royally messed that up. If I could do it all over again, I would have just asked him how he felt and what he wanted to do. When I finally did, I'd already bungled things and he said we should go our separate ways. So yeah, I have to respect that. Instead of trying to change the outcome. Yes, he rejected me. Yes, I feel sad. Yes, I keep replaying things to see what I could have done differently.

I just finished my counseling session and she affirmed that feelings just are. I had been laboring under the misapprehension that I shouldn't feel all these feelings. So, no, said the counselor, feel the feelings, endure. You just endure and let them pass. So a lot of my anxiety was trying to avoid them or eliminate them. I don't want to feel anxiety, so let me do this wild thing. I don't want to feel this rejection, so let me do this wild thing. No, just feel the feelings. I can feel some feelings.

I can pine for a guy for 10 years. I can feel that rejection for 38 years. You just endure. That's it. But I don't get the residency thing. She said don't let it take residence and let it change how you feel about yourself. 

I don't know why they keep telling me it's because I feel inadequate. I'm pretty insistent that I don't feel inadequate but that seems to be the psychology space I'm being boxed into. 

Are there people who prefer you wait 2 or 3 days to return a call or respond to a text message or email? I think that's most people. 

Another Day, But I'm Choosing To Be...

 I'm in a Thursday morning meeting, and after this I might treat myself to a biscuit. I almost hesitated to use the word treat because it's been made fun of so much. I don't like when I internalize other people's responses to things and unintentionally adopt them as my own. I'm going to treat myself to a biscuit! I like treats. Treating others to things is fun. There I'm taking back the word treat.

I found this to be true on Hinge as well. Scrolling through all the hundreds of profiles, I found myself wanting to adapt myself to the ideal girl. A lot of trolls put all the things they want (or don't want) in their profiles, so I found myself stressed when trying to navigate relationships. I lost sight of what I want. Well it didn't help that I didn't have a clear idea of what that was. As such, I was very susceptible to other people's feedback and experiences. Wrong. Well, not completely, that's how we all navigate and carve out our spaces. We are limited by the boundaries of others.

So some good things:

- My work colleague helped me sign up for softball! And she bought me a glove as a birthday present. Yay!

- I finally got my hair done. It was $300. Yeah, you heard it here first.

- I cried a lot. I don't know. I feel like my life is shifting in a way that is juxtaposed to my past and so some old memories of loss and rejection have been re-surfacing. Idk. 

- Did I mention, I joined a rec league. I got out of the house and met people!!

- My biopsy was negative.

- My dental appointment was pretty good.

- I had the day off.

- I interviewed well for Job #2.

- I made my Dating Spreadsheet.

- I'm spending money.

- I've been spending time downstairs.

There was a thought going on that maybe I can reframe my stage in life right now. I've been lamenting that I haven't had all the things I wanted at the time I wanted. But maybe I can just reframe my life (but part of me is too fearful to choose happiness). Maybe this is that redo from age 17 when my life went terribly awry and I just couldn't see past the despair.

This isn't the promised land, but it doesn't have to keep sucking.

I was again motivated by something I saw on TV. There's a re-make of what I think is 13 Going on 30. But instead of the movie, the girl keeps going back to change things in her life.

So instead of being that 17 year old turning 18 that didn't get to go to Duke, I'm that 37 year old turning 38 that didn't get to move to California with Big Pharma and start my new life with my husband.

Instead of looking at it as ..oh this again. Maybe I get to re-write that narrative. The default is already woe is me, but maybe I get to cry and force myself to be happy anyway.

Being sad about it didn't change the wandering. 

I mean I kind of accept it; I just don't know what to do next. 

Do I just pretend I'm happy about it. I don't know what to do when I don't get my way.

Oh, I was scared of submitting my new SS card with my new name in case my job called me out on it. But today I did. I cropped out the date, so hopefully it works. Since I kind of regret it, if it doesn't work, I'm just going to let it go. 

I'd rather keep my job. I need to re-commit to doing the right thing and not trying to ruin things because I'm feeling bad at the moment. 

Speaking of money. In my timeline, I'm supposed to re-adjust my 401k from front loading to hoarding cash for my first year of FIRE, but I don't know... my savings goals just seem more flexible than they have in the past. I'm a little bit lost in what I'm trying to accomplish. Do I just follow the plan so I don't have to think about it or do I try to make it match where I am mentally. 

With the stock market down, I really want to be investing more, not just hoard cash.

I think my next money goal is to try to stay at this job for 2 more years. Reason - I foresee more housing issues and I think I'll need to get a new car. Plus, my job seems manageable. But I'm getting a new boss and we're restructuring, so I have to keep that in mind. 

I'm all over the place without goals and direction. 

It's hard to stay open to possibility and keep goals. 

I think I need to work on not having one bad feeling leading to a chain reaction of other negative feelings. Like I just want to control outcomes so much I sometimes make things worse. 

This is all over the place, but these are thoughts over the last few days that need to be fleshed out.