New Job, Day 2

 Just a recap of the day.

What went well

- I was positive in 1 hour meeting with boss (w/video)

- I took 1 hour lunch

- I intend to log off at 3p (Summer Friday erryday)

- Did not spend all day creepin

- Was tempted but did not check Old Boss's Calendar

- Did not immediately respond to request related to my old job

- Was tempted but did not initiate in tirade of old job when messaged by colleague

Areas of improvement

- I creeped a little bit on my old team's system

- Felt a bit melancholy

- Did do a couple searches in OneNote to recall last meetings to see if there's anything I missed that could have led to the cold shoulder (it was either the fiasco with her favorite friend or me talking to the other overachiever that I was leaving b/c of money)

Honestly, the reason I'm leaving is a culmination of things

When I was reading old notes, there were some unfinished statements about ..could you get closer (to target salary) in this role or a different role? I never got an answer, she just said she didn't know cap.

Next steps

- What to eat

- what to watch

Still Crying Over My Boss

 At this point, I'm trying to shame myself into stopping.

Every time I think about all that has transpired, I tear up and hot fat wimpy tears fall. Even up until 1 hour ago.

This is odd. I'm telling you this is still side effects of grief and just general sadness. I've never cried so much in my life as the last couple of years. 

And I hear people are dying again. 

I was actually getting through the day distracting myself.

I logged off at 3p. I took part of a lunch break. Yeah, I won't get over this in a day but geez.

It usually takes me ten years to get over someone.

And I was just closing the door on old friends and mental flings (for the millionth time). 

I think the unresolved ones are harder to get over because how do you check that off. For my spectrum-adjacent brain, things that don't make sense are harder to process. 

What if you could just go up to people and ask them, why did you stop wanting to be my friend?

Why did you stop calling me?

Why do you love that person more than me?

Why is your x,y,z a bigger priority than me?

I wonder what would happen?

Would it help? Would it change anything. Would it help just to ask knowing you probably wouldn't get a response and if you got a response it would not be truthful?

If I may ask, why?

So I got triggered with an email. I got an email for the job I used to do so I forwarded to my old team. She responded that I was no longer in that role and she would be the contact person. (First, why not My Buddy...this is supposed to be her area of expertise. I digress.) To me, that was the perfect opportunity to say, hey MERJ! How was your first day? Thinking of you! We miss you!

Will it help if I stop talking about it? 

New Job, Day 1

 So I know I haven't provided an official post of New Job, but we'll get there.

I just wanted to celebrate small wins because as we have seen (re: history of my life), they are few and far between.

Today was actually fine. I did a lot of stalking of my former boss, namely just creeping her calendar and reminiscing, sometimes refeuling my anger. I still have some access to old databases and I just cringe at some of the work being done. I'm being dramatic, it's fine just not the standard I set. 

The creeping got kind of boring because she's OOO.

Part of me is waiting to see how long it'll take for her to remove my access to her calendar - it's either never because she won't realize it since I'm not part of her default team or soon after her return. It'll be telling either way.

Today was good because I didn't have to do much. So far, I'm a combination of - will I ever get this? And relax, so many people in this company are not very good at their job. Sad, but true. If I can just demonstrate even some level of competence, and BE NICE, it should be fine.

One of my personal goals is to stop using No or Not statements. It's a fun mental game to reframe things in the positive. Yes, this is how I amuse myself.

Another possible fail-safe is that my new "Buddy" aka Mentor is new to her role. So we'll either fumble together or something bad will happen. Either way, it'll be less contentious than previous Buddy because there's no way I can do her job better than her because homey don't know nothing.

So far, I think from the orientation today, I think I have at least a month where I can stay safely in Training Mode.

Small Wins. 

Am I Actually Stingy or Miserly?

 Those might be the same things. I had mentally prepared that if I made more money with New Job, I would start sending $500/mon overseas to my family. I am their 401k plan, pension, social security, medicare, life insurance, etc... 

At least that was the narrative in my mind. That was the narrative I was going to tell my boss if we had come to blows over why I wanted to leave sooner rather than later.

It never came to that. Is it better to keep things inside or to explode and have it out. The thing with having it out is that it's not as easily forgotten. Unsaid things are easier to forget in the long run. Can't be recalled if no one else knew you felt them.

When do I get my day in court and get to air all my grievances.

I do think my boss got the last word and for her to just drop me... ugh. I haven't gotten over it.

Anyway, being this close to FIRE, I literally just want to save as much money as possible. I never want to feel these feelings again.

All I'm praying for for this job is just to make it through. I have no hopes and desires. 

In the end, this was the right decision. I already didn't feel like I really fit in with my last team and with all of them going back on site soon and me dialing in, I think that chasm was going to only widen. 

I do see now how wild my ask might have been perceived. Hey, we're lessening some of your responsibilities (but still want to keep you). So ask for more money. But I went for it anyway. I didn't want to be a scape goat for all these extra projects because there was a perception that my plate was light.

I think that team in general just works that way. Yes, I'm trying to self-soothe by recalling how I got here. 

Being laser focused is a coping mechanism but it's also been the secret to my success.

As excited as I am for this new Beginning, I'm also terrified of what's to come. 

My relationship with my boss just feels unresolved.

Why are you mad? Are you mad? Are you annoyed?

Did you want me to leave?

What did you actually see me doing?

Were you planning on promoting My Buddy?

What was the 6 month plan here? 1 year? 2 year?

Were you going to make me senior manager?

Do you think I was outperforming My Buddy? If yes, how did you feel about that? If no, how come??

Was there ever a world where I would be promoted over My Buddy?

Honestly, what was my role going to be?

Why couldn't you pay me more? (We waste sooo much money on these launches!)

How much does My Buddy make?

Classic struggle: Keep Your eyes off others. Run your own race. 

But how to practice that in a collaborative team environment?

I am not worthless

 Sometimes I think the messages God or my guardian leaves for me are in the activities I do - watching tv and reading blogs. 

I should probably read my Bible but honestly being saturated with The Word rarely brings me comfort.

My cousin hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy and subsequent shower. I had to find out through the grapevine. Same thing happened with her boyfriend, fiancé, and eventual husband. 

Which is fine but it's confusing when you send me a card saying you can't do life without me, but then you do?

This is where I struggle most with life - when people's words don't match their actions. Which one are you to believe?

Anyway, as always one rejection recalls a host of other rejections. 

I'm trying to take a 3 month sabbatical from friendships at the moment. As soon as I declare something like that, there will be a diet peak... you know as soon as you say you're not going to do something that is suddenly the thing you want to do the most. 

This COVID was a good 2 year experiment for me. I needed EVERYONE the most and honestly the people that were there were there inconsistently. So I think what I want is not something that can be found here on this earth. 

I don't think I'm one of those people that gets to be happy, at least not long-term. That's okay. We all have our limitations. I dug so deep and looked so far and wide to try to rekindle these friendships. 

Although they didn't materialize the way I wanted, I feel I can move on not feeling like I did anything wrong. I feel absolved. 

I really wish I would trust my instincts and not backpedal when the next step is hard or uncomfortable or feels bad for a day or a year. I deserve more. I have always felt that way. But it's also been a source of unhappiness, so that makes it confusing. 

So yes, after almost every big decision I second guess myself. The grass is almost never greener. NEVER. But I'm also smart, and I don't make big decisions lightly. I generally don't always remember the reasons why, but I also am very empathetic and take a lot before my wellspring of compassion and forgiveness overflows. 

I think that's what happened with old jobs, old friends, old habits. 

My brain protects me from not remembering every single thing that led to a big decision, but I really wish I would trust myself. 

I have to trust that I have been self-reflective all along. Yes, not all decisions are THE BEST ONE, but it was the best one at the time. 

On one of my shows, the character said, even if you hate something you can be sad to see it go.  That was this job with my beloved manager. No matter how I tried I couldn't get it or her to love me back.  I thought this was my swan song. I thought this was going to be the thing I could be great at. Grief there. 

Oh well, I'm extremely nervous for Job #2.

I was reading through some of their old meeting notes, and I literally have no idea what they're talking about. 

I'm scared I won't be good at it.

I'm scared I won't pick it up fast.

I'm scared I'll suck so bad I'll be fast tracked to termination.

Here's why some of these fears are blown out of proportion

- It's a given I won't be good at it at first, that's known. 

- As for fast track termination, I'd love to say my company keeps people that aren't good at their jobs - THEY definitely do, but sometimes they don't. So that remains a concern.

Ultimately, I already reached a FIRE number that will allow me to retire at 5% withdrawal rate, so abject poverty and homelessness isn't too much of a concern, it'll just be bruised ego. I don't want to be forced out.  So let's say it out loud - I'm in a good place financially to try a new career! Pursuing FIRE allowed me to do that. 

At this point, who is even paying attention to me - LITERALLY NO ONE. I'm always alone so in this instance, it will be a boon. ( I will say the finality of it just makes FIRE seem so real.)

I think I'm just giving myself a 3 to 6 month grace period to learn the job, and honestly on one of the slides they were thinking of setting up a 24 month training period for new grads, sooooo I mean... I should be okay. 

As for COVID, I'm hearing the numbers are spiking back up around the world, so if I choose to engage in activities (which I'm half heartedly attempting so I don't get stuck churning on the hamster wheel), I might have to do outdoor things. 

I'm looking forward to sharing how Day 1 of New Job goes. I have always LOVED new beginnings, so in this moment I am happy!