Yesterday was not a bad day

 I already know today is going to suck. That's what usually happens when I was okay just yesterday. See every post on this blog. Oh, well! I decided to stop holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop anyways.

Funny things I heard lately.

On a sketch comedy show, two women were jogging in the park. One commented on how someone could vote for a woman-hating racist. The other said, well you know how they say to do something everyday that scares you - that was my thing that day. 

That made me laugh. 

Today we are doing a meme-exchange (as opposed to a gift exchange) that I organized. I'm pretty nervous about that. I don't particularly enjoy social events with people I don't know very well. I don't really enjoy them with people I do know very well. Unexpected outcomes and all. 

But I'm so excited that this is our last full week of work before our 12 day shutdown that I can't be bothered with negative feelings in this particular moment.

3 risky things I did.

Remember that year of horrible interview outcomes. Well my first one was the one I thought I was a shoe-in for. You know, they paid $1k to fly me down to California. Well I emailed the hiring manager just now to wish me a happy holiday season and just provide a quick update. The phrase - the best revenge is living well- comes to mind. 

And then this weekend, I emailed and audio-called my Racist Friend. Desperation, I tell you. The call ended after about 10 minutes. He didn't call back. 

I helped mitigate this by calling my First Cousin. She also had to go after a few minutes to hang out with her family. 

My hope for next year is to be able to start anew. Can I stop relying on these friend-adjacents to fill the time. I hope so!

Mental Dump

 It's almost 9a on Saturday. I've been up since around 5a because I went to sleep around 9p last night. 

There were some tears this morning and last night. 

I keep blaming my boss, but at this point I think I'm just projecting all my feelings on her.  Whatever anxiety or sadness or frustration or rejection I feel, somehow I choose her as the origin. 

Some things I couldn't say recently...

• My first cousin never contacted me after my dad died. I think she's still mad because I said she was carrying a grudge about my aunt. She's one to speak all her psycho-babble but not one to hear it, it seems. 
• My non-friend said anyone who knew me would easily know I don't like grey area. Really, because no one else has figured that out. You've known me for 9 years and you still don't know that much about me. You don't give great advice and you repeat negative things when I'm looking for positive feedback. So I resent you for saying that. Especially when I'm pointing out the things I like about my manager. 
• I felt rejected again that my manager took the afternoon off on Friday. 
• I felt bad that in a Check-In, I was complaining that another meeting we had for a project was taking time away from her teaching me things. Yet in our Check-In, I had run out of questions with 5 minutes left to go. I had wanted to stop complaining about that. 
• I feel like I've been complaining too much. 
• What did my boss really think about me sending her daughter a graduation gift? Was that weird? 
• Is she going to think the Christmas gift is weird? 
• I wish I had more options for friends or emotional or moral support.
• What will happen to my job when everyone goes back to work? Am I going to move? Can I find another job? Should I keep more in cash while we await that decision? 
• What did my performance review really mean?
• Should I buy a TV for my bedroom? Do I really want to distance myself from work and set more regular hours? Am I giving up? What will be the impact of this? 
• How can I stop feeling so rejected by my boss? Why do I feel this way? 
• Why didn't my other cousin ever call me that one time? Was I supposed to call her? How can I lose 2 parents in one year and no one think they need to check up on me constantly? 
• If I'm thinking clearly, I'm a little disappointed my boss didn't send me a card or something after I told her my dad died? Whatever happened to the stuff from the work event she was supposed to be sending me? 
• My ex-roommate really makes me mad, but I have no one else to talk to so she's the easy call. How can I break free? 
• Is next year really my last year on earth? 
• Work frustrates me. I get so anxious when stuff lands in my inbox, but when I actually sit down to do it, it's not that bad. When I talk to my boss about it, it's not that bad. 
• How could my boss not see how much work I'm putting into the database management project? It's tedious and annoying. 
• How much contribution is expected during some of these meetings? What do I do about this job? Is this as good as it gets? 

Salty Water in the Desert

 Yes, I'm back. This is not totally unexpected. All this free time means lots of times for self-reflection. 

After succeeding in not texting my boss for the last 4 days, my brain tricked me into doing it.  You see, an app was pushed to my company iPad. It was a project my boss and I had been working on just about since I started. It wasn't supposed to launch until Monday.  

Desperate for an excuse to contact her, I sent her a screenshot of it and a link to the site.  The conversation went a little like this.

Me: Look what just popped up on my iPad. And the link is live too.

Mgr: It looks good!

Me: Did you try the link?

Mgr: I clicked on the link and just looked at the first page

Me: (not sensing she really wanted to chat) Ok, as you were

Mgr: Did you try it?

Me: Of course

20 minutes pass. I was hoping my senses were wrong and she would want to chat. I was hoping she would ask me how my Thanksgiving was or offer something about hers. 

Realizing she didn't really want to talk to me but not wanting to believe it...

Me: So how was your Thanksgiving?

8 minutes pass.

Mgr: Pretty low key. How about yours?

Me: I sent her a picture of a plate of food.

Mgr: Amazing! 

She's usually a bit more effusive. 

I was gone for a day a couple weeks ago,  and upon my return she was asking me, what I did? What I watched. Telling me how I was missed. She used to message me Happy Monday!

Things have shifted.

I'm not making any more qualifying statements or censoring myself. I'm tired of having to do that in order to express myself to people outside of work situations.  

So in the 8 minutes while I waited for my boss to respond, I called my former roommate on Teams.  I am pretty hyperbolic about the situation just for laughs but also because I realize how silly it is.

But I think even that is me pandering to the crowd.  It is as if the only way I can get someone to listen to me is to make the story amusing. 

Where is my safe square! (That's from the movie Queen of Katwe)

Anyway, of course Former Roommate is in the middle of something domestic. The conversation is interrupted at least 3 times for her to tend to her kid. Never of course when she's talking. 

Anyway...

I try to explain how the conversation is different. 

Former Roommate: Is that really what happened? Or is that the narrative in your head?

My Brain: WTF!!

(I don't even cuss, even in my brain.)

Former Roommate: Because I remember in grad school, a boy said hi to you and you thought he was soooo nice.  And another boy brought me a cookie from a buffet at a luncheon and you thought he was in love with me.

For the record, that boy was in love with her. 

I'm trying to understand her point of view. But my brain immediately gets defensive. I need a better way to handle her. Or I could just stop calling her. Instead of having to navigate the aftermath of frustrations. 

So usually this is when I try to figure out what about her comment made me so mad! But when I look at my above examples that illustrate how conversations with my boss used to go, that's the conversation I wanted to have with a friend. I wanted space to talk about my relationship with my boss. I wanted to reminisce and feel good about it before coming to the realization that it was ending. Not someone shutting me down in a few seconds and trying to invalidate my feelings! 

Well I will say I am proud of myself, that while I did react. I did it playfully.

Me: I hear you saying that an example from 8 years ago...blah, blah...I don't even remember what I said. 

Her: And you thought he was soooo nice? 

Me: Is it possible that some people use nice and polite synonymously? 

I'm not sure what the point of her story is. The example seemed weird. My perception of her is that she finds her power in her ability to attract men. The fact that her two examples involved men and how one was attracted to her and not me, is not lost on me. Mind you she is someone who has told me that a Certain Race of boys would never date me, but brags that she could get with her boss of that Certain Race if she wanted to. Weird, right? 

I was trying to understand her point of view. But as I look back on it, the example is a little flawed. And actually having lived in California and DC, no one just randomly says Hi to you. But it's like can you just listen and let's not derail the situation for me to manage your emotions. I'm the one in a little bit of distress right now.  But here I am defending my point of view, when a) I should be able to let your dumb statements go and b) again, how does your dumb statement help me? 

Something must be going on with her and her ex-husband. When she starts bringing up examples of boys, it usually stems from an anxious place on her part. Woosa. 

Ok, this didn't have anything to do to me. 

But see, these humans. I wish they had a warning light. In the last 24 hours before your interaction with this human, x, y, and z happened. Don't take anything they say or do personally. 

While I'm glad I didn't get defensive, I'm a little disappointed that I acquiesced to her.

Me: Well perceived or real, I have noticed a shift. 

So yes, it's 6a and that's what I woke up with on my mind this morning.

And of course, to diffuse from that situation, I called my aunt who is also notoriously bad for listening to me.  When I thirst for venting space, I seem to go from one salty glass of water to the next. Why? Desperation. I have no one else who will answer when I call.  And this dumb therapist I have to talk to Wednesday is another example.

Ugh, now I'm getting anxious about next week. I have a 2 hour meeting with the vendor I'm not looking forward to. And now this Wed appointment with this dumb therapist. 

Forcing people to email me was such a good solution to my problems. Why did I ever break that barrier and start making phone calls? Desperation! 

So what have we learned.

- I am affirmed that things have definitely shifted with my boss.

      - What can I do about it? Which of my own behaviors can I change? Well as I previously stated in another post, I need to respect the professional boundaries she has set. I acknowledge it will be devastatingly hard because I really like her as a friend. 

-  I need to break-up with my Former Roommate. 

      - Which of my own behaviors can I change? I acknowledge that she played a key role in helping me land this job - from referring me to interview prep. She has some strengths and I need to center any future relationship around that instead of trying to make the relationship something it's not. We enjoy doing bank bonuses together and finding random deals online. As for personal or emotional problems or venting - she is not the one! 

She Didn't Text Me!

 My co-worker was joking with me that she might need to stage an intervention because I can't stop talking about my boss! 

I'm sad to say - it's official she does not like me as much as I like her. 

I was hoping for a Happy Thanksgiving text. Didn't happen.

Maybe a Black Friday text. Didn't happen.

Today I know she was out donating blood. Maybe a photo of her "I donated blood" sticker. Didn't happen.

So, I think back of how my mind developed these expectations.

Well, I really like her as a friend, not just my boss. And I was hoping the feeling was mutual.

It's the longest we've gone without any sort of communication - I think. 

On her summer vacation, I would send her amusing work updates and would get a response. 

The last time she took a couple days off, I got a photo of her day out with her kids. 

I think most of all, what's hurtful, is I feel forgotten. Like all of the "friends" before her, she forgot about me. I wanted this to be different. If I had a friend who I knew was going to be sad and alone on Thanksgiving having just lost significant people in her life, I think I would have sent a text message. 

I refuse to linger in this desperate place. 

My brain is already doing the mental shift to put her into the place of ghosts of friends past. Devastating. I just really had so much hope for a possible new friend.

Outside of the loss of a possible new friend, I'm concerned my perceived pursuit of a different role in the company is what has caused this shift. I don't like that. First because if that has hurt her feelings and changed her opinion of me, I want to clear it up.  I don't want to ever be the reason someone's feelings are hurt.  Second because I don't want to lose what may have been a good friend AND a good boss. 

But it's good that the boundary lines are drawn. I mourn this loss as well. 

Oh! In other news, when I look back at the lies the therapist was trying to pin on me, it helped affirm a few things. I'd been fighting internally and somewhat externally with my co-worker/former-roommate (my cousin, one of my aunts, and probably others) for air time. I don't know how to disagree respectfully. I was constantly annoyed when she cut me off and ended phone conversations abruptly or was not the type of active listener I hope for. She is often pedantic and fights to be heard. 

In my mind, I thought where does she get off talking to me and treating me like that. Then I realized how petty and small minded that was. Those are the makings of troubled people. And that's not who I am.  I am a self-confident woman. A long time ago, I decided to let the way people treat me in their fight to be heard and acknowledged go. I had risen above that.  I had decided it was only worthwhile to speak up in life or death situations.  I'm not less accomplished or less right or less smart because other people don't see that or try insidiously to convince me otherwise. So to be constantly frustrated in these conversations that don't matter is regressive. Listen, humans, I hear you; I see you. 

I want to continue to be the person I want other people to be. I was stooping to her level and as the young kids say, it was not a good look. I always regretted it but convinced myself it would help her to see how she treats me. It didn't. We just both ended up being pedantic people fighting to be heard.

Where did I lose my footing along the way that I became so petty. I am actually better than this and I have been for some time. I have been able to persevere because I have always believed I deserved better and expected better from others. Eventhough 99.9% of the time people fail me and I end up feeling bad or hurt. 

But I can't live my life trying to make them feel the way they make me feel. I thought accepting the poor treatment was a sign of weakness and despondency. It probably is, but what good is fighting a losing battle? 

As the yay-sayers say, I can only control my own actions. I know my strengths and it's never been convincing people to treat me better.  I just usually cut those ties. 

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the opportunity to re-challenge past convictions. I stand affirmed in them. I know too that there will be a washout period as I shake these current behaviors. But 2021 can only extend the runway for me to stand firm in the vision I have for my life and those I choose to invite in (spoiler: no one so far!). 

So in the show I'm watching, a boy just walked out of his mom's life and said you're not my mom, you're just some lady I used to know.  It seems so fitting for what I feel right now for all the ghosts of friends (and family) past. How about that!

And just to be especially nasty, my mind recalls that one verse in the Bible, and then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me.' 

Signing off this thing for 24 hours to reset. 

My First Stab at My 2021 Budget

 So nothing on TV is holding my attention at the moment. Yesterday, I updated my accounts. Those looked really great! I have nothing else to do but Praise the Lord! 

I did some online holiday shopping. And my next small big-win is I think I might qualify for a Target RedCard (debit) that will get me $40 off $40. I've been eyeing a $16 bacon pan since I moved in April. That'll be my silly gift to myself.

I also had an online fight with Joann Fabrics. They had some good deals for some arts and crafts stuff. After painstakingly clicking around all my new found rebates sites, I finally clicked through to check-out. Within 30 minutes my order was cancelled because everything was out of stock.  All's well since I was already in the online shopping mindset and I have loads of free time. I tried again but this time went for Curbside Pick-Up. The paints I had previously chosen were not available so got a smaller size which is a bit worrisome but am deciding to roll with it - this is a creative project after all. 

So I got paint, bought 2 Paint Nite classes, loaded my shopping cart with bedding items for tomorrow when I can use my $15 Kohl's cash, and... wait is that it? For some reason that took most of the morning yesterday.  Oh, this morning I think I decided to buy the personalized Coke bottles for my manager and her family. It seemed silly to buy 5 bottles of Coke with her name on it but someone gave me the idea of buying something for her kids. So I think I'll have each of the Coke bottles personalized with their names as well.  That seems to make more sense.  It is a completely impractical gift - which was the reason for my initial hesitation - but sometimes it's going to have to just be the thought that counts. 

So yes, friends, this year I got into the spirit of gift-giving. Mind you, most of the "gifts" I've bought are for myself. Oh! I also made my manager a little comic strip on Pixton yesterday. This was when I'd decided trying to come up with a gift for her was going nowhere. 

Anyway, so today, there wasn't much else to do. So I started looking at my budget for next year and this is what I came up with. I feel more nervous sharing my numbers than I ever had in the past, but here it goes. 

Not sure why it's posting as a picture this time around, but there you have it. 

My Spending Target is pretty much the same as it was last year at $26k but will likely be closer to $30k. That is why I left the $6k cushion. 

My Savings Goal increased by about $4k from $45.5k last year to $49.5k this year. Not sure why with a $20k salary increase, I was only able to squeeze out another $4k in savings. I would expect $15k  at a 25% tax rate but my net pay only went up $8k according to my 2020 Working Budget, so there you have it. 

The biggest logistical change is how post-tax funds will be invested. For the last 2 years, I maxed out my 40lK and the remainder of my paycheck was deposited into my bank account. From there I set up auto-withdrawals with my broker for my Roth IRA and just a regular broker account. 

In 2021, I'm still keeping my monthly auto-withdrawals to the Roth IRA account. However for the remaining $24k, I am setting that up as an after-tax 401k payroll deduction. So that money never even reaches my bank account. It goes directly from payroll to the broker. Yowzer!

So my actual take-home pay for 2021 will be the most miserly it's ever been since I started this financial independence journey. I am thankful. I am also a bit frightened.  Luckily, I have about 3 years of data to show that while I have yet to reach $26k/yr in spending,  I haven't typically needed more than $30k barring anything catastrophic.  And I mean, I can stop the auto-contributions with a couple clicks, so there's that. Admittedly, it's still scary. I will be very cash-low moving forward.  So as the saying goes, I'm putting my money where my data is.