Getting more comfortable with the idea

 when i had all that free time when i first got to fiji, it felt a bit of a taste of what early retirement would be like...and to be honest it was scary...my mind began to wander into the recessess...

- will i be punished if i don't bring over my brother to america? do i have to do something 'good' to ensure my money doesn't get 'taken' from me? there is definitely that christian fear of feeling undeserving...is that religious trauma? but is it based on something? ...so yeah, i immediately felt fearful that if i didn't do enough 'good' something 'bad' would happen to me and since the source of so much of my happiness is financially funded, the bad would be a decline of my assets... i think that is my greatest fear at the moment; so i felt compelled to have some sort of income to stave off the fear...almost like i had to keep earning my financial independence...which sucks... cuz i didn't feel fear... all these fears around scarcity popped up..and yeah, it was scary...

- then i started thinking about my car...more fear.. i want the smaller car...but i fear it being a few years older and used means something bad would happen...but i wanted to take the risk just to GET WHAT I WANT... but then this afternoon i started thinking about next summer and thought of a road trip..and i FELT more comfortable having my new car than a used car that could conk out on me...so i don't know...

i didn't sleep till 4a last night...trying to figure out a plan

honestly all this future planning is exhausting

i see why some people just fly by the seat of their pants

what did help was writing out feelings and doing some interviewing with myself on what i was feeling about my j1...

just overall negative feelings currently but also some gratitude of all the things it did provide me...yay.....so i had to reframe and find ways to redirect my thoughts

which makes me think..this is not an exercise i want to have to keep doing...i've been thinking more about retrying zoloft... i think i have to try just one more...that feeling of wanting to live was too good not to trying again..

but yeah, the biggest revelation of my exercise last night was.... i can withdraw more than 4%..i can do 6%... i can go up to 60k a year. and i will if that's what it takes to feel secure and happy... i didn't work this hard to still FEEL poor

putting it into a FI calc, my successrate was still 70% or greater...which for now is within my comfort level...

so yeah, i'm about 60% to 80% sure i'm quitting/ resiging/ retiring Jun 2, 2025...

i was mostly concerned that it's such a weird time...with nothing big happening... but how about a fun summer!

i had a great summer this summer, and i can do it again... i can swim, go on day trips, do water parks....go to belize in july if i want...

but yeah, i can finish out the fall...and then grind through the spring...

2 months of winter with a day trip every other weekend, then a march trip; then 2 more months...and then i'm done...

the 5 months of work should net me 25k...which is the base amount of money i'll need for the year...

and off we go!

I'm trying not to rage quit my job!

 Yeah, so the Coaching Plan is officially on the calendar. On the one hand, I'm glad I got 4 months of pay out of it. On the other hand, it was quite the blow to the ego. Yikes!

so yeah, i went away for 2 weeks and had heavy work residue.

it did help to look at my balance sheet an know that i'm still on track

i think i'm just at a weird inflection point; it's not self-imposed

i'm realizing i like my life as it is; i'm not sure i'm ready to live on a restricted income

when i first started my FI journey in 2017 I was wildly unhappy and felt there was no point to anything...my biggest sore was work.

so i wanted to eliminate work

but now work has a purpose...those dollars fund my lifestyle

and it happens to be a lifestyle that I am currently enjoying

so i'm not as amped to leave the workforce just yet...

well more like..i'm not as amped to give up a steady income

so i have to to humble myself and take it up the butt from this job.

but honestly would love nothing sweeter than to quit on Wednesday instead of going to the meeting.

but informal coaching plans last at least 30 days i think...so that's 2 more paychecks

so i was thinking, i might quit j2 in may of next year; then over my vacation, I was thinking 1st of march...

and consider these my last 6 months

but the thought of leaving work just doesn't hold the same appeal...

i like the steady paycheck and i just don't want to go back to FEELING poor.

i'm hoping once i get a good idea of what my expenses are this calendar year, i'll feel better about how much i actually need to enjoy and continue the life i have now.

I still love my life. And I loved it even yesterday!

 it's true.

thanks, science.

I got some silly coaching at call center 4 today. i think she was trying to coach me on how to be coached. WTF.

and then one of my cards had a fraudulent charge on it. the nerve!

it's a nice reminder to keep cards on locked/freeze. 

these criminals are relentless. 

i'm still going to live my 'happy life' as my friend calls it. criminals do what they do. and i'll do my best to safeguard and protect myself.

that was a card i was going to take on my trip, so i'm glad i have a couple backups!

will have to practice some extra vigilance when i return.

will prob need to clean up my inbox because the notification came but i was in a spending frenzy so didn't notice it. 

luckily, i only use 1 card actively, so it something i can normally catch. 

chasing points does have a risk. just general exposure to fraud.

i don't like the amex card for that reason.

but someone is letting me use their priority pass so we shall see if i can get lounge access on one of these trips.

looking forward to not-back-to-school time. I love this time of year. It's like all the first 8 months was building up to this wonderful time of fall and happiness.

Really going to try really hard to make Jan and Feb fun. Cuz those months are blah months.

I am hopeful i can relax and disconnect on my trip.

But I know I'll check email out of habit. 

Either way, i won't have to work, and that will be awesome.

Still happy, happy!

 Reframing and letting go of specific outcome is my current coping mechanism. It changes folks! You do what you need to get to the next day, the next hour, the next minute! 

Yesterday I led a meeting at the butt crack of dawn and I wasn't even nervous or complaining! 

I'm evolving but also happy. I get a lot of affection from a friend and attention. My mood/emotions are mostly stabilized by medicine. Life is good. 

And I finally wrote my numbers down. Even without disney job, I can support myself and meet my savings goals.

So I decided this morning to reflect on how far I've come.

I've blown past my projections for this year that I made when I first started on My Early Retirement Journey. I stayed in a job for 3 years that I didn't know how to do and made good money doing it! 

So if it ends, I can be grateful for the financial boost!

And duh, I made it through COVID.

I increased my income, I got to work remotely. I got to leave toxic boyfriend state behind. Yeah, it's been good.

And actually running my numbers...my core expenses are about 26k and on a 60k net salary...I'll be okay. So it's easy to think of the sea witch job as gravy. Well easier now with facts and figures that don't lie.

That helps tremendously!

I've let go of Bonus Day goals. I mean it'd be nice and that's why I don't quit sea witch job but I know I'm okay without it.

For now, I'm still planning to retire in May 2025. I don't want to say it too much lest I get impatient.

But however...what I did learn is that in my current life, a cushy flexible work from home job does have a place. So working at a call center and being tied to my desk...not fun. 

But yeah, after May 2025, I'd be happy to take a much lower level remote FLEXIBLE job. I'm thinking like 75k to100k for 10-20 hours of focused work a week. 

I don't mind having something to do a couple hours a day from but having the flexibility to pursue other interest. I've enjoyed my life tremendously the last year or so, so yeah I don't mind finding a lower responsibility job for less money as long as the hours match. 

I'm still happy!

 Is it the meds or just life circumstance?!

I don't know...maybe a combination of both...

i think the meds help curb some of the rumination

therapy allows me an opportunity to vent and reset (which is needed alot!!); it's like having a personal trainer for your brain...

and then the cool things happening in my life help to fill that space where worry and anxiety used to occupy....

so eventhough what feels unjust is happening at work, being able to say it out loud and recognize it helps...

it doesn't change it

it doesn't make it more fair

i don't even have to action it

but i know the feeling...

so i have to worry about it less...

i know that it's not something that i can magically make turn out differently...which i think is what my brain wants to do...fight it...

flight makes me run away from it...but that just keeps it buried...

so maybe we've evolved from fight or flight...to a neutral space...yet to be named...

what do you do for an armed shooter...

fight, run, or hide.

okay neither or those apply here....

but i'll keep thinking...

just like that, my brain is onto other things...

I already feel better!

 I was quite nervous about a work situation. The meeting has come and gone and nothing has resolved. 

What I do have resolve for is my end of May 2025 retirement date!! I'm claiming it. 

And I don't need bonus job to do it.

I have more than enough to FIRE at 25k/yr.

Which is awesome.

And I was looking for some kind of milestone or even to mark my time in 2025.

I realized I need 25k/ yr for my FIRE Cash. And it'll take me about 5 months at J2 to get that. I net just around 5k/ mon with J2. So That's 5 months.

I won't necessarily have to save 25k as half of the year will be gone but I'll essentially be on track for the rest of the year having just worked 5 months.

And after that, I just have to let the market do its thing. Purple was able to get to almost double her NW in 4 years, so I'm confident I'll be fine. 

Plus I still have Year 1 and 2 Cash stored from 2 years ago anyway. So, yay!

Financially, I am ready for this. 

Emotionally and psychologically, I am still getting there.

I just need to have this financial plan down so I can weather the ridiculous emotional rollercoaster that is my bonus job. 

As my counselor says, I have to redirect my thoughts as many times as it takes to tell myself it'll be okay.

There is a feeling I can't describe that is unsettling. Maybe - unjust? The unfairness of it all. But I can't dwell on that or even let it call on old feelings. Nope, I do not consent to that.

So I'm going to enjoy my life. I like my life now. I love my life now! 

And I want to spend all the minutes enjoying it not trying to make just the unjust.

I can financially weather whatever happens with Bonus Job!

I still like my life

 I was happy just yesterday and when I think about it, I'm still happy today. My boss has decided to move forward with informal coaching plan. 

And it is making me sick to my stomach. 

It has to be an ego thing because I am gainfully employed and getting ready to retire. 

Is it worth waiting around for a bonus I may not even get? Well, yes. Because I'll definitely be awarded my LTI if I stick around until it vests. 

So maybe that's the target I shoot for. 

But after that when the dust settles, then what?

I've been toying around with picking a Quit Date and Jul 15 has stuck around in my head just because it's 1 year from Bonus Nachos, but we shall see. 

For now, we'll move with that date. 

The unknown of it all. But if I take that out of the equation, is it doable?

I need more defined objectives, independent of humans. I also want to feel good about what I'm going to do after to make the quit date stick. 

That being said...i still like my life.