Salty Water in the Desert

 Yes, I'm back. This is not totally unexpected. All this free time means lots of times for self-reflection. 

After succeeding in not texting my boss for the last 4 days, my brain tricked me into doing it.  You see, an app was pushed to my company iPad. It was a project my boss and I had been working on just about since I started. It wasn't supposed to launch until Monday.  

Desperate for an excuse to contact her, I sent her a screenshot of it and a link to the site.  The conversation went a little like this.

Me: Look what just popped up on my iPad. And the link is live too.

Mgr: It looks good!

Me: Did you try the link?

Mgr: I clicked on the link and just looked at the first page

Me: (not sensing she really wanted to chat) Ok, as you were

Mgr: Did you try it?

Me: Of course

20 minutes pass. I was hoping my senses were wrong and she would want to chat. I was hoping she would ask me how my Thanksgiving was or offer something about hers. 

Realizing she didn't really want to talk to me but not wanting to believe it...

Me: So how was your Thanksgiving?

8 minutes pass.

Mgr: Pretty low key. How about yours?

Me: I sent her a picture of a plate of food.

Mgr: Amazing! 

She's usually a bit more effusive. 

I was gone for a day a couple weeks ago,  and upon my return she was asking me, what I did? What I watched. Telling me how I was missed. She used to message me Happy Monday!

Things have shifted.

I'm not making any more qualifying statements or censoring myself. I'm tired of having to do that in order to express myself to people outside of work situations.  

So in the 8 minutes while I waited for my boss to respond, I called my former roommate on Teams.  I am pretty hyperbolic about the situation just for laughs but also because I realize how silly it is.

But I think even that is me pandering to the crowd.  It is as if the only way I can get someone to listen to me is to make the story amusing. 

Where is my safe square! (That's from the movie Queen of Katwe)

Anyway, of course Former Roommate is in the middle of something domestic. The conversation is interrupted at least 3 times for her to tend to her kid. Never of course when she's talking. 

Anyway...

I try to explain how the conversation is different. 

Former Roommate: Is that really what happened? Or is that the narrative in your head?

My Brain: WTF!!

(I don't even cuss, even in my brain.)

Former Roommate: Because I remember in grad school, a boy said hi to you and you thought he was soooo nice.  And another boy brought me a cookie from a buffet at a luncheon and you thought he was in love with me.

For the record, that boy was in love with her. 

I'm trying to understand her point of view. But my brain immediately gets defensive. I need a better way to handle her. Or I could just stop calling her. Instead of having to navigate the aftermath of frustrations. 

So usually this is when I try to figure out what about her comment made me so mad! But when I look at my above examples that illustrate how conversations with my boss used to go, that's the conversation I wanted to have with a friend. I wanted space to talk about my relationship with my boss. I wanted to reminisce and feel good about it before coming to the realization that it was ending. Not someone shutting me down in a few seconds and trying to invalidate my feelings! 

Well I will say I am proud of myself, that while I did react. I did it playfully.

Me: I hear you saying that an example from 8 years ago...blah, blah...I don't even remember what I said. 

Her: And you thought he was soooo nice? 

Me: Is it possible that some people use nice and polite synonymously? 

I'm not sure what the point of her story is. The example seemed weird. My perception of her is that she finds her power in her ability to attract men. The fact that her two examples involved men and how one was attracted to her and not me, is not lost on me. Mind you she is someone who has told me that a Certain Race of boys would never date me, but brags that she could get with her boss of that Certain Race if she wanted to. Weird, right? 

I was trying to understand her point of view. But as I look back on it, the example is a little flawed. And actually having lived in California and DC, no one just randomly says Hi to you. But it's like can you just listen and let's not derail the situation for me to manage your emotions. I'm the one in a little bit of distress right now.  But here I am defending my point of view, when a) I should be able to let your dumb statements go and b) again, how does your dumb statement help me? 

Something must be going on with her and her ex-husband. When she starts bringing up examples of boys, it usually stems from an anxious place on her part. Woosa. 

Ok, this didn't have anything to do to me. 

But see, these humans. I wish they had a warning light. In the last 24 hours before your interaction with this human, x, y, and z happened. Don't take anything they say or do personally. 

While I'm glad I didn't get defensive, I'm a little disappointed that I acquiesced to her.

Me: Well perceived or real, I have noticed a shift. 

So yes, it's 6a and that's what I woke up with on my mind this morning.

And of course, to diffuse from that situation, I called my aunt who is also notoriously bad for listening to me.  When I thirst for venting space, I seem to go from one salty glass of water to the next. Why? Desperation. I have no one else who will answer when I call.  And this dumb therapist I have to talk to Wednesday is another example.

Ugh, now I'm getting anxious about next week. I have a 2 hour meeting with the vendor I'm not looking forward to. And now this Wed appointment with this dumb therapist. 

Forcing people to email me was such a good solution to my problems. Why did I ever break that barrier and start making phone calls? Desperation! 

So what have we learned.

- I am affirmed that things have definitely shifted with my boss.

      - What can I do about it? Which of my own behaviors can I change? Well as I previously stated in another post, I need to respect the professional boundaries she has set. I acknowledge it will be devastatingly hard because I really like her as a friend. 

-  I need to break-up with my Former Roommate. 

      - Which of my own behaviors can I change? I acknowledge that she played a key role in helping me land this job - from referring me to interview prep. She has some strengths and I need to center any future relationship around that instead of trying to make the relationship something it's not. We enjoy doing bank bonuses together and finding random deals online. As for personal or emotional problems or venting - she is not the one! 

She Didn't Text Me!

 My co-worker was joking with me that she might need to stage an intervention because I can't stop talking about my boss! 

I'm sad to say - it's official she does not like me as much as I like her. 

I was hoping for a Happy Thanksgiving text. Didn't happen.

Maybe a Black Friday text. Didn't happen.

Today I know she was out donating blood. Maybe a photo of her "I donated blood" sticker. Didn't happen.

So, I think back of how my mind developed these expectations.

Well, I really like her as a friend, not just my boss. And I was hoping the feeling was mutual.

It's the longest we've gone without any sort of communication - I think. 

On her summer vacation, I would send her amusing work updates and would get a response. 

The last time she took a couple days off, I got a photo of her day out with her kids. 

I think most of all, what's hurtful, is I feel forgotten. Like all of the "friends" before her, she forgot about me. I wanted this to be different. If I had a friend who I knew was going to be sad and alone on Thanksgiving having just lost significant people in her life, I think I would have sent a text message. 

I refuse to linger in this desperate place. 

My brain is already doing the mental shift to put her into the place of ghosts of friends past. Devastating. I just really had so much hope for a possible new friend.

Outside of the loss of a possible new friend, I'm concerned my perceived pursuit of a different role in the company is what has caused this shift. I don't like that. First because if that has hurt her feelings and changed her opinion of me, I want to clear it up.  I don't want to ever be the reason someone's feelings are hurt.  Second because I don't want to lose what may have been a good friend AND a good boss. 

But it's good that the boundary lines are drawn. I mourn this loss as well. 

Oh! In other news, when I look back at the lies the therapist was trying to pin on me, it helped affirm a few things. I'd been fighting internally and somewhat externally with my co-worker/former-roommate (my cousin, one of my aunts, and probably others) for air time. I don't know how to disagree respectfully. I was constantly annoyed when she cut me off and ended phone conversations abruptly or was not the type of active listener I hope for. She is often pedantic and fights to be heard. 

In my mind, I thought where does she get off talking to me and treating me like that. Then I realized how petty and small minded that was. Those are the makings of troubled people. And that's not who I am.  I am a self-confident woman. A long time ago, I decided to let the way people treat me in their fight to be heard and acknowledged go. I had risen above that.  I had decided it was only worthwhile to speak up in life or death situations.  I'm not less accomplished or less right or less smart because other people don't see that or try insidiously to convince me otherwise. So to be constantly frustrated in these conversations that don't matter is regressive. Listen, humans, I hear you; I see you. 

I want to continue to be the person I want other people to be. I was stooping to her level and as the young kids say, it was not a good look. I always regretted it but convinced myself it would help her to see how she treats me. It didn't. We just both ended up being pedantic people fighting to be heard.

Where did I lose my footing along the way that I became so petty. I am actually better than this and I have been for some time. I have been able to persevere because I have always believed I deserved better and expected better from others. Eventhough 99.9% of the time people fail me and I end up feeling bad or hurt. 

But I can't live my life trying to make them feel the way they make me feel. I thought accepting the poor treatment was a sign of weakness and despondency. It probably is, but what good is fighting a losing battle? 

As the yay-sayers say, I can only control my own actions. I know my strengths and it's never been convincing people to treat me better.  I just usually cut those ties. 

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the opportunity to re-challenge past convictions. I stand affirmed in them. I know too that there will be a washout period as I shake these current behaviors. But 2021 can only extend the runway for me to stand firm in the vision I have for my life and those I choose to invite in (spoiler: no one so far!). 

So in the show I'm watching, a boy just walked out of his mom's life and said you're not my mom, you're just some lady I used to know.  It seems so fitting for what I feel right now for all the ghosts of friends (and family) past. How about that!

And just to be especially nasty, my mind recalls that one verse in the Bible, and then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me.' 

Signing off this thing for 24 hours to reset. 

My First Stab at My 2021 Budget

 So nothing on TV is holding my attention at the moment. Yesterday, I updated my accounts. Those looked really great! I have nothing else to do but Praise the Lord! 

I did some online holiday shopping. And my next small big-win is I think I might qualify for a Target RedCard (debit) that will get me $40 off $40. I've been eyeing a $16 bacon pan since I moved in April. That'll be my silly gift to myself.

I also had an online fight with Joann Fabrics. They had some good deals for some arts and crafts stuff. After painstakingly clicking around all my new found rebates sites, I finally clicked through to check-out. Within 30 minutes my order was cancelled because everything was out of stock.  All's well since I was already in the online shopping mindset and I have loads of free time. I tried again but this time went for Curbside Pick-Up. The paints I had previously chosen were not available so got a smaller size which is a bit worrisome but am deciding to roll with it - this is a creative project after all. 

So I got paint, bought 2 Paint Nite classes, loaded my shopping cart with bedding items for tomorrow when I can use my $15 Kohl's cash, and... wait is that it? For some reason that took most of the morning yesterday.  Oh, this morning I think I decided to buy the personalized Coke bottles for my manager and her family. It seemed silly to buy 5 bottles of Coke with her name on it but someone gave me the idea of buying something for her kids. So I think I'll have each of the Coke bottles personalized with their names as well.  That seems to make more sense.  It is a completely impractical gift - which was the reason for my initial hesitation - but sometimes it's going to have to just be the thought that counts. 

So yes, friends, this year I got into the spirit of gift-giving. Mind you, most of the "gifts" I've bought are for myself. Oh! I also made my manager a little comic strip on Pixton yesterday. This was when I'd decided trying to come up with a gift for her was going nowhere. 

Anyway, so today, there wasn't much else to do. So I started looking at my budget for next year and this is what I came up with. I feel more nervous sharing my numbers than I ever had in the past, but here it goes. 

Not sure why it's posting as a picture this time around, but there you have it. 

My Spending Target is pretty much the same as it was last year at $26k but will likely be closer to $30k. That is why I left the $6k cushion. 

My Savings Goal increased by about $4k from $45.5k last year to $49.5k this year. Not sure why with a $20k salary increase, I was only able to squeeze out another $4k in savings. I would expect $15k  at a 25% tax rate but my net pay only went up $8k according to my 2020 Working Budget, so there you have it. 

The biggest logistical change is how post-tax funds will be invested. For the last 2 years, I maxed out my 40lK and the remainder of my paycheck was deposited into my bank account. From there I set up auto-withdrawals with my broker for my Roth IRA and just a regular broker account. 

In 2021, I'm still keeping my monthly auto-withdrawals to the Roth IRA account. However for the remaining $24k, I am setting that up as an after-tax 401k payroll deduction. So that money never even reaches my bank account. It goes directly from payroll to the broker. Yowzer!

So my actual take-home pay for 2021 will be the most miserly it's ever been since I started this financial independence journey. I am thankful. I am also a bit frightened.  Luckily, I have about 3 years of data to show that while I have yet to reach $26k/yr in spending,  I haven't typically needed more than $30k barring anything catastrophic.  And I mean, I can stop the auto-contributions with a couple clicks, so there's that. Admittedly, it's still scary. I will be very cash-low moving forward.  So as the saying goes, I'm putting my money where my data is. 

Let's Talk About My Therapist

So many things! 

I went to bed thinking about my therapist, and I woke up thinking about my therapist. She has now become yet another thing I have to overcome. I blame myself. Engaging a therapist is a result of generic advice. It's my own fault for falling into that trap once again.

At my aunt's funeral, people suggested I seek grief counseling. Heaven forbid you should cry at a loved one's funeral. Heaven forbid you should be reminded that surrounded by a room full of people that are supposed to be your family and friends, you still feel alone. You know that no one in that room is going to put your needs first. No one in that room is going to prioritize you or your needs. 

But when you say that to a therapist, instead of compassion you get judgement. You can't use words like all or never because that's cognitive distortion. You can't be sad because that's depression. 

I mentioned the discrimination I felt during my year-long job search. And apparently that's distorted thinking as well. When I say all the people on the interview panel did not look like me and I attribute that as a contributing factor to why I wasn't hired - that's because I don't have control of my thoughts.  When I look at the people on LinkedIn who were likely hired or when I search that organization's department page and see who was hired doesn't look like me that seems like evidence to me. But apparently that's self-esteem issues and distorted thinking. Say what now? 

When I say all the women in my life either want to be a wife or a mother or are wives and mothers, that's distorted thinking. Albeit true, but somehow I'm the problem. Say what now? I need a better grasp on my thoughts? Or is it you, therapist, that needs a better grasp on reality. 

I just feel like anything I say is a trigger for a new diagnosis. If this is supposed to be a safe space, I don't feel safe. 

So far she has implied depression, low-self esteem, feelings of not being good enough, transference, identity issues. 

Where's the support? 

Oh the identity issues came from when I said I feel sad that I never got a chance to know my late aunt or late father as people, as individuals, as people other than my caretakers. I don't know what they were like as nine year olds or twenty year olds. I just never asked. I never asked them what I was like at those ages. To me I just see it as another loss, this scary thing that happens when people die- their story ends and I don't know how to keep it going because I don't know enough of it. 

When I step away, I think if I'm a therapist, it's easier to "solve" my patient's problems if I can fit them into one of my therapy "problems." Ok, great. 

So then I ask myself, what am I hoping to get out of this? 

I met my boss, we had an instant connection. I remembered what it was like to have a friend. And I wanted more of that. I can't have that because she's my boss and the professional relationship comes first. 

So instead of getting mad that my boss, you know, has to do work instead of spend time with me, I thought since everyone is telling me I need grief counseling, maybe I can use that as a place to air my grievances and connect with another human.  So essentially, I want to use these free EAP sessions as a 1-way friendship. I just need someone to talk to.

You, therapist, are telling me that people shouldn't be alone. Ok, so can you be my friend for my 10 free sessions so I can get through this season of my life, thanks. 

So to be honest, I'd tried to seek counseling before. I was feeling stuck at work about 3 years ago. I think it was about 2 years after I started at Call Center 1. Two years felt like I needed to make some moves in my career and adult life (i.e. buy a house). I didn't have any friends (see above - erryone married with kids) so I thought someone I could pay to listen to me was the next best option. 

I might have gone to 6 sessions. I think you got 10 or 12 with my insurance plan at the time before you got referred out. Those I had to pay a $40 co-pay and drive over an hour because it was part of my primary care doctor's medical center.  Anyway, after she cancelled three times and I again started to feel like everything I said was being used against me, I stopped going. I requested a copy of the session notes and learned I was considered depressed and suicidal and essentially to be on high alert.  Cuz that's what you want when you go to your doctor's office for a routine check-up. 

But now those feelings of being clinically diagnosed with every word you say are back. And if you disagree, then you feel you are being perceived as defensive. And now that it's happening a second time, I'm the problem, of course.  Ugh. 

All I'm asking the world for is a friend. Why is this so difficult. 

People get to treat you poorly and somehow it's your fault. 

So yeah that's what I've been up to. 

I'm going to have to figure out this grief thing on my own. I can't remember now if I get 10 or 12 free EAP sessions. I was going to see them all through because I mean - free.  But I'm rethinking my guard rails. I immediately think I want to go into the New Year as a new me without this therapy trauma. So I don't see myself continuing these session in 2021. 

As for my relationship with my boss... I think what's hard is if this were a real friend who I really liked but felt the feelings weren't reciprocated, historically I'd just stop trying to make the effort and naturally the friendship would fizzle out. But I have to interact with this woman regularly, so I think that will continue to be difficult to manage. Plus, my bonus and performance review I believe depends heavily on having a close positive relationship with her. This is not in my head, therapist, I've seen the way people she doesn't care for get treated. She has told me stories of people that didn't care for her treating her a certain way. So this is fact, not feelings, thank you.  

So my approach is still to be upbeat and positive around her (not the cold shoulder I would give a distant friend) and to focus on being reactive not proactive in my interactions with her.  Sad, ugh. 

That's going to have to be my solve because I don't think this therapy thing is going to help me get there. 

Oh the therapist thinks I should be a writer and pursue writing. I told her I already tried that. Again generic advice. 12 year old gets published in a school paper = she should be a writer.  (Note: that didn't actually happen but just an example of the generic insincere advice I would expect as a child, not as an adult from a therapist.) Ugh, no, that's not reality. She asked why I would apply for 120+ jobs but "give up" on writing. I think when you need a job, you keep applying until you get one. No? 

I'm just so confused that some of my actions seem pretty rational to me and to be told I'm having irrational thoughts is pretty darn frustrating. 

Wait, maybe she's transferring or projecting her aspirations onto me. She mentioned she's writing her second book but her first book isn't published. She also shares a lot about her personal life. Should I know her son is in law school in South Dakota or that her dad was killed by the police or that she struggles with her relationship with her mom? 

I digress...where was I? 

I think haven't had one bad therapy experience in the past makes me less tolerant.  

Now that I' thinking about it... maybe we'll try to get 3 more in  to make a nice round 5 sessions.  That's a fair shake, I'd say. 

How can you, therapist, tell me I don't feel good enough because I ended friendships because people didn't have time for me. To me I was #worththetime. And if you, friend, in your actions are telling me I'm not #worththetime, then that's not a friend I want. Am I not allowed to have standards, therapist? Am I supposed to settle for 30 minutes every 3 to 4 months as a friend. I guess I am a depressed, low self-esteem, identity-crisis riddled individual. But I'm going to have to be okay with it.

I think the thing both my therapists have said is essentially by you going to therapy that means you're not happy. But I'm asking you for your help and you're throwing it back in my face? That doesn't seem right. 1st therapist- I needed help figuring out what to do with my life, in particular career and housing. These are things people with friends can usually navigate, but I didn't have anyone that could help me discern. My family's go-to is pray about it. My old friends were on the whole do whatever makes you happy. Both terrible actionable advice. Apparently I was wrong for seeking professional help. 

Now, 2nd therapist - I feel alone and need a friend. Can you sub in until I find one, thanks. Again, wrong. 

So what is therapy for? Because I'm missing the point. 

I chose not to qualify any of my statements in this post. This is how regular people communicate. I'm not trying to reach some higher order of being. I want a simple existence. Oh I forgot bi-polar! That was another one that came up. 

I mentioned being emotionally labile. I just meant I let my feelings make my decisions and I stopped trying to fight it. To me that just means instead of making the financially responsible decision of going to Walmart for my groceries, I willingly go to Food Lion because I don't feel like going to Walmart. So instead of taking the time to change my feelings, I just go to Food Lion. At Food Lion, I will ALWAYS pay more, but I can usually find a spot 3 or 4 spaces from the door; it's not this huge warehouse that I have to pick through; and by the sheer fact of it being a smaller outlet, there's less people. Um we are in a pandemic.  So yes, yesterday I went to pick up 4 things at Food Lion and it cost me $33. At Wal-Mart, I'm pretty sure it would have been closer to $27 or less. 

I don't feel like going downstairs to cook and clean up the mess after cooking, so I'm going to eat popcorn in my bed and watch TV. 

And I just know she's judging my hair because I haven't done it in like 2 months. It looks crazy. To me, I'm not trying to spends 100s of dollar to get my hair done to sit in the house. And it's always a process. The blowout place ALWAYS burns me and I can't be bothered to find another place. When I get my hair braided, it ALWAYS hurts for a week or two. I don't feel like being in pain so a lady on the internet doesn't think I'm depressed. 

So yeah, I let my feelings rule over me because I no longer have the energy to fight them. 

So that's my therapy rant.

Oh and at work, I think my relationship with my boss has shifted a bit. Remember the first week at New Job, Boss mentioned she enjoys developing people and she'd be okay if I found another position in the company after six months. As part of a professional development conversation, she gave me contacts for people in Medical Information (MI) and Promotional Review (PRA). I reached out to both. I'm not that interested in MI because it's tedious and boring and I don't enjoy doing lit searches. So I met twice with the lady in PRA, she too thought there would be more opportunities in MI. So she set up an introduction with another contact in MI. That lady asked me what my timeline was and I said if there were an opening, I would be open to it. I don't know if that's exactly what I meant.  But within a couple hours, she let me know there was an opening in MI.

Yikes! I forwarded the email to my boss because EVERYONE knows each other in our side of the business and I didn't want her finding out about it from someone else. Her response was less than stellar. So I didn't love that. 

Oh, in the sweep of the therapist, boss drama, I think I'm going to re-establish guard rails with my co-worker/former room-mate/ex-friend/ former classmate. The older her kid gets, the less focused her attention and then of course there's her mom that calls her 83 times a day. The only time we've had a conversation without her mom calling is when her mom was mad at her for like 3 days. 

Anyway, either I need to set the timer for 15 or 30 minutes or not call at all. Because the interruptions, the pedanticness, the show-and-tell, correcting me, challenging me, feeling of one upness, I don't love it. I'm annoyed enough of the time during and after the conversation that the benefit doesn't outweigh the risk enough. 

Is it so disordered to want people in your life to make you feel good ALL the time. Then, I'm disordered. 

Oh and I think my cousin was supposed to call me last night. She didn't. Since I've already decided I don't like her or co-worker from above that much, I couldn't be bothered to reach out. I've initiated the call in the past and she ALWAYS has something going on, so I'm having to wait for the return call or be reminded that I have NOTHING going on in my life and I'm at the mercy of others for their time and attention. 

I guess I'm disordered because I don't want any part of that. So I came, I saw, and I did not conquer. 

To 2021, it's going to be an interesting year. I'm right where I was in 2015 when I decided to traverse the world alone. This time I know it's the best decision where before it was just conjecture. This time I know no one is coming to save me. This is the way it has to be.  I am 100% alone. That felt good!

Here's the thing about death

 Today was my aunt's birthday. You know, the one that died. Yesterday was my father's funeral. Using someone else's FB account, I stumbled upon my parents' wedding photo. 

I'd never seen it before. Can you imagine?

There's a deeper sadness in this grief that I haven't been able to articulate. 

Here's the thing - when my people die they take their story with them, but they take my story as well. I don't know anything about my father. I didn't grow up with him. What was I like as a child? What was it like to know me? What was it like to love me? How did I make him feel? 

And what about him. What was he like as a child? What was his favorite Christmas present? What did he dream of? What was he like when he was my age? 

From a girl who never felt her feelings, all I do is feel things now. I feel so much loss. More than I ever knew a person could feel.

I never got to know my people as people. They were for the most part my caretakers. What were they like as children? What was I like? What was it like to parent me? 

When they died they took their story with them, and they took part of mine. 

When the next generation takes our place, will the world ever know we existed?