I give myself permission to quit and leave money on the table

 I spent so much of my FIRE journey trying to optimize my finances - make more, spend less; invest.

I did it to the best of my ability.

I excitedly made my next 2 year plan knowing how nothing at all happened with my last 1 year plan; but i made it anyway.

it's not working out and it's taking me for a loop

I've been holding out for one more payday, one more bonus day; if i quit now, i leave 50k net on the table. that's a lot of money.

but i know from watching other people's returns (thank you internet strangers); that my money will grow...

so yeah when the widget shop continues to take my joy away...i give myself permission to quit - to leave 50k on the table...

because...

because I've come too far to willingly allow these negative feelings to permeate my life when I can do something about it; to feel stuck; to feel trapped; to feel like i have to lay down and take it...

i mean i will someday....

but i've earned my freedom today, in this instance

i'm free

it's been going on since april; and let's be honest, i could've rage quit any of those instances...it's been confusing; i've cried...for 2 days; i've upped my meds...i'm going to be taking freaking prozac!

my mental health is worth more than 50k...i've done so much work to not be sad and to not want to end my life...

it's not worth it...

why do we negotiate with pain...i don't get it...

is this idea of sucking it up outdated...

i remember how swiftly my one doc said why re-start a drug that you know already causes you pain...i wonder that too doc...

it's cuz it's how we are all raised... sometimes there's a little pain...and we don't have a good guage of when is enough or not needed at all..

i'll get to 1m with or without bonus day 2025.......i am confident i will...

so what next...

i'm still going to try to work the plan unless it causes me too much distress waiting...and wondering...

i want to do nothing else for call center 3

right now i am hoping to stay at call center 4 ...until my trip in march...just for the dust to settle, for the calendar year to end...and to get my bearings once again..

i've just made so many money goals and plans for 2024, i've lost track of what i was trying to achieve...

as long as call center 4 is bearable...i will plan to be gone by february...

i'm just not ready in this moment to completely cut ties with my income stream

i have not even come up with my withdrawal strategy or where all that money is coming from...remember all my numbers including my fire year 1 and 2 cash stash is based on 20k...and i just don't have it in me to save up 80k...sorry i don't....

I'm going to be okay!

 well i have to hand it to my managers for making my exit from the workforce feeling well-deserved. thank you!

some of the negative feelings are starting to subside as i find my way through..

duh...i suffer from mental illness to the tune of expensive therapy and lots of meds...

so i am deciding to move forward with an FMLA request...

thanks to the internet...it seems easy...i won't fully relax until it's approved but here we are...

i did a thing! 

i tried for the desirable achievable outcomes - trying to get a secondment; another job with the company, and i landed here...

and that's okay too

this is the next achievable action item on my list...

i am the CEO of my own enterprise that is my life...

they are leveraging their skills...and I am leveraging mine...

i got stuck very briefly in the comparison game...why are other people so much better than this than i am...then i look at my bank balance...and realize my skillset lies elsewhere...

there are a couple funds, i'm still unsure what to do with but the for the most part...

i'm good...

i reached the 90% mark and I AM BEYOND THRILLED.

A new surge of empowerment has overcome me!

i can quit..i've always been able to...

so i'm just toying around with different quit dates...

it's mildly fun for now...just planning...but i'm hoping not to drive myself too crazy!

90% of goal and what a difference a day makes!

 I did not sleep well last night thinking about meeting with boss. But i had no reason to worry. It was the normal checklist of things. so, phew, this is tolerable. 

TL;DR- I am so incredibly grateful i had the last 4 years to fail upward. how, can this poor, immigrant, person of color manage to slip under the radar. i thought it only happened to entitled rich white boys. 

but no! I actually got lucky!

The last 4 years allowed me to turbo charge my finances in a way i never dared imagine. I really wish my brain would focus on that instead of how unjust i feel right now.

I am lucky!

i can say it when i have these moments of lucidity.

So what happened...in the meeting with my boss i realized i don't actually want to do this work nor am i very good at it. and i just don't want to get that good at it. it's been 3 years and i just never got into it. i just wanted to work remotely and be an AD.

accomplished!

it's affording me such a good life, but the gravy train is over.

i was assigned potentially 3 tasks that have yet to be confirmed.

i realized i really don't know how to the 3rd one and it was painstaking when i shadowed someone else to do it. and i don't want to do it.

this was a decision i made at that time, so i'm glad i had that data objectively. 

the other 2 i can do because the lift is small.

so i found a little bit of joy in realizing...i don't have to. this feels like the power of F/U money. Before, i think the difference was i think the choice was being taken out of my hands.

it DEFINITELY helps that i reached such a significant milestone to put some wind in my sails and some fortification in my conviction.

I WILL reach my financial goal. And mostly just need to stay employed to manage my daily expenses until I do.

strangely, having just bonus nachos feels precarious even with the huge safety net.

feelings are weird.

so yes, friends, the corporate world and I just never meshed.

we tried really hard.

i'm good enough at being a phone agent. and that's pretty much it. 

it's not a referendum on my entire character just a fact that i'm not great at everything.

work has always been a struggle. kind of soul-sucking.

i'm glad i found a way out.

so basically, here's the new update.

if i only have to do an update for task 1 or 2, i don't mind staying longer.

if i have to do a full write of task 3, i will resign.

it's good i already was planning for leaving.

i need to get some electronics.

i am happy that with this new data, i can move forward in a more empowered way.

my journey stops here, but luckily past me was getting us ready for this. 

so i think of all the people that want to be artists and slackers...i get you. you're my people!

i am different and it's okay. 

so yeah.... for 2025, i'm going to work enough to have enough in cash for core expenses and go from there. currently, i anticipate that to be 5 months in 2025.

another unexpected thought... i feel weird only having 1 job...like it doesn't seem worth it? weird right? 

mediation 1

 so i had the meeting for the informal coaching plan

honestly, i don't want to do this job

but i think it's just the injustice of it all

but i should know by now....sometimes that doesn't matter

i think that's the most demoralizing thing

well i have an end date...oct 29...

so to me that's 3 more paychecks

i'm not fighting

but my ultimate goal is to see if i can last until bonus day 2025

that is honestly a stretch

currently, i'm thinking...

finish the 30 business days

request fmla until we are off for the holidays

so i at least get that free time off...

then, figure out how to last 3 more months....

that's the tough one...

there's just too much money on the line to give up just yet

i'm seeing more of my therapist and my prescriber is starting me on prozac...

selling my sanity for drug money...

this is where we are folks...

the thing is ...i don't really see myself doing bonus nachos without the first gig...

pride?

i don't know...if i'm going to quit....i kind of want to quit everything....

i'm okay with leaving

 the more i keep looking for random jobs and trying to find this mystical job that meets all my needs, the more unhinged i feel...

i can gain a sense of calm with picking 1 direction...

applying for a job at my current company is not going well...and that's okay

applying for external jobs historically has not gone well...so that feels to be a losing proposition...

so i think for now, i will carry one with my early FI date of Jun 2025

I can base decisions on that...until i have new data that tells me different.

my current life is already paid for for this year

so for next year, i just continue as is, and save the rest for my FI send off.....wheee!