less judgy and some scenarios

 i realize i haven't been so motivated to plan vacations because my life right now is awesome. vacations in the most recent past have been an escape...so it was worth the time and effort to plan and the energy to execute. 

but now, i don't really have a bunch of free time to plan or daydream because i have enough going on in my regular life with work and socializing. and that is an awesome place to be! so, yay!

or maybe i spend so much time ruminating on other things to think of a vacation. but yeah nothing springs to mind.

so yeah, i get it why some people are home body. it just never occurred to me that regular life could be good/ good enough that there's on fantasy of experiencing life elsewhere. not to say that vacationing is an escape for everyone. but for me, it certainly seemed to be.

so yeah, my life is great right where i am at the moment. 

in other news, still trying to figure out work...i think the unknown of it all is what's annoying me the most. 

do i stay with my Level E job and just figure it out...or move to Level D job at call center.

Here's a new thought - what if I just go down a level in current job. the pro is - i don't have to be a lead, and i still get to work remotely; and if they do let us go... i can then look for a specialist role... or see if there's anything in my old job...

but i still have to work with the sea witches... but it solves the problem for now... even better if i can not start until 2025...but my bonus target will be at a different level...which is unfortunate for me...

Thurs

 Well I successfully completed the 3 day fruit/veggie fast. and lost 5 pounds! weight loss was not the goal but that was a nice surprise.

i'm back to being happy again.

i had a good intro interview with a hiring mgr for the call center job.

i go back and forth with it, so we'll see what they offer.

why i want to go down a level - i love patient centred work and i'd love my nights and weekend back. 

part of me is like you made it... i cheked yesterday and i was 84% of my goal. which is awesome. I think 85% goal will give me a good sense of yeah, this is happening.

i mean i already feel that way. but just when angst swells up, i lose track of it. financially, i can weather a job loss.

emotionally, i struggle with negative job feedback.

therapist reminded me i'm not a child anymore needing to get good feedback to get to stay in America.

Gosh! 

it was just a nice counter to the negative feelings of not moving forward in the other job. but i also saw on workday that the position was already filled, so as suspected, it had nothing to do with me. 

these are the moments i wish i could tolerate zoloft. oh well!

anyway, feeling good again. work got a little worky the last couple days, but it's memorial day weekend and i think i can check out till we get back to the office on tuesday. 

that will feel good. 

i did end up checking balances yesterday and that made me feel WAY better!

i could smile again, like, dummy you're going to be okay.

so in those moments, i want to just float through what i'm calling the free money train. 

so yeah, i looked at different ways to benchmark and milestone my progress...but my mind is just already set on 6-2-26.

i hope more data is revealed that makes this decision easier

- my mgr retires?

- i get to start call center job in october

i'll have to think on what needs to be true....

oh well....

the other thing i did figure out...was i can't 'afford' FMLA with call center job next year, so i can only take it with current job

but if we get 3 months of training with new job....this year...that's enough....

so this year might be my last full year of work...or not...

so many random things i'm trying to punctuage.

later!

Like a human

 hi, friends -

I was feeling a bit down...and then I got an email that boosted my spirits just as i was opening this email.

well, my manager gave me some discouraging news. so i reacted and applied for a bunch of call center jobs. I got the email today that after the recruiter screening, I didn't get it...womp, womp. 

And i had sent an information email request to another hiring manager, and they didn't respond.

So I sent one to another one to punish myself, and they hadn't responded. but then they just did. Yay!

this is why i don't do job apps people.

and work has gotten me all over the place with timelines. 

i put in weekend work and after hours yesterday so I could relax a bit the rest of the week, but that has not proven to work out! 

anyway, after hearing more about the job, i feel more equipped about what i'm getting into. i was actually kind of excited for 3 weeks of travel. Sounds so official!

they want a start date of july 15...which...ooof!

i was hoping for like october, ideally! 

cuz it'd be 3 months of training...which would be awesome! 

well let me go work on my about me schpeel for tomorrow!

I ALREADY WON!

 this morning was angsty. i even took a walk and told 2 people. then i had the great idea to read old blog posts. i didn't like remembering all the things. but i stumbled upon many of my EOL plans and death countdown!!

I'm nowhere close to that. I have passed all the EOL milestones i set for myself. my latest ones only gave me 2023 to live. And Bonus day 2024 was like the absolute latest. 

the earliest ones had me checking out even earlier.

i have tried so many things to get this far. 

so yeah, I already won. I lived!! I freaking lived, yo! 

I already won!! i won this game. This game i never wanted to plan and tried so many ways to opt out. no matter how you skin it - i won!!

a mutual friend mentioned their hairdresser didn't make it. i made it!!

i won!

i've been running an entirely different race than everyone. and i won.

so yeah, bump this job. yeah, i go back to the call center. 

this is all gravy. i don't know far back to count, but i'm taking this gravy boat to the finish line!!

i can't spend anymore time thinking about these people or this thing. 

i'm taking as much control of the wheel as i can, while i still can.

so yeah, i decided to pursue the call center job more actively. yeah i give up my free time, but i hope i give up the angst as well.

there were enough details in the archive that bolsters this decision and point of view. 

yeah, call center works sucks. 

but i'm thinking... i finish this last project with widgeting... takes me to sept 2024.... and maybe start back at call center around october, i hope to be able to use my vacation time by then... maybe october....

and just start after training with call center job around beginning of jan 2025... that would be baller...

thinking of getting residency in a no-income state to help boost income, so that will be fun to manage. 

anyway, wanted to document that for the archives.

onward, MERJ!

Groan...but also, this is what we practiced for, people!

 yes, my boss has stoked some fear in my heart again....first with the push to be a lead, and now he's saying I need to 'level up.' What the?! 

Frowny face. In a way, I'm not too surprised. But also, you can't just manage people on a feeling. I suspect he's comparing me to Ursula which is wholly unfair because she is definitely angling for a Director or Program Lead role, and I am not. 

But from what I know about my other colleagues with the same title, they're not doing much more than me. So, there's that. 

Either way, I can fight it or face the facts.

So with some trepidation, I applied for 3 more call center roles within my company. This gravy boat was good while it lasted. 

Anyway, this is what we practiced for. I'd always anticipated going back to the call center if stuff got rough, so this isn't a total surprise. I was just celebrating my freedom. But oh well. Best case scenario is my boss gets forced into retirement. 

But yeah, I will continue to gather new data. 

It's tough - the anxiety of trying to 'level up' vs the anxiety of call center work. 

Yikes!