1 month until...

 Today is 1 month until it's officially my last year in my 30s. But really, I've been thinking about the whole year as my 39th year on earth! And the last year of the decade!

I have been alive for almost 40 years! If that were a career or a marriage, people would celebrate. But that's 40 years of living without hurting myself or intentionally hurting anyone else. That's amazing.

It's been a hectic week. The upside of that is that it makes the day go by faster, sort of. By the end of the day, I'm so brain dead though that the time just passes. I'm neither enjoying myself or relaxed. I just kind of zone out. It's weird. But I'm progressing with the job at least. And each day and it's deliverable is a true accomplishment.

At some point, I need to figure out my desk situation. I'm open to some new office furniture, just not sure I'm putting it on the front burner right now. 

Other thoughts:

- After thinking about it, the $30 or so dollars I might save in cashback from charging my medical appointments to a credit card for the year and reimbursing myself vs FSA auto pay doesn't seem worth the hassle.

- Eventhough I am getting price alerts, haven't felt much like figuring out the Golden Girls trip to Antigua. 

- another person on TV mentioned how she's benefitted from a male therapist in being a male figure in her life (me too, amiga!)

- today is a weird day; it's grey outside and I think that's affecting my mood; i've flitted through a few tv shows just to pass the time but couldn't really get into any. I didn't end up going to get my steak dinner;i just didn't feel hungry enough and couldn't get motivated to take the steps needed to make that happen; but since I at least waited until V-Day weekend, I'm allowing myself to get the steak dinner anytime after today. I think not wanting to go out at 8p when the Hallmark movie was is part of it.

- I stayed downstairs for at least 4 hours today! That was a plus! But after awhile I just wanted to come back to the familiar bone crushing futon and space heater. I chose familiar over comfort.

- Decided to take Feb, Mar, and April off from any hard inquiries on my credit.

- This week went well for not frantically searching for new FIRE stuff to read. Did a little bit of catching up on some blogs that post regularly, but nothing too crazy. Still browsed the DoC site just to whet my tastebuds. The Fifth/Third bonus is back. If I can remember, I might try to to open one when I go to town for my dentist appointment. That's the closest branch and when I last tried, I couldn't open it online. Wait, I signed up and they didn't send me a coupon. 

- Still haven't heard back from Landing. I might just email them on Tuesday when I handle business. Before this, I'd been happy with the experience. I guess we're still giving grace to customer service because presumably a lot of businesses are still having trouble keeping staff.

- Continue to feel lucky with my remote job. My company has flexed to 2 days of week remote, which is better than the 5 days, pre-pandemic. But people still grumble. I just did the remote job as a nice to have, not ever thinking I would really need it. But wow, what a blessing/ how fortuitous! 

- I've decided 40 is kind of the peak. Like I'm reaching the highest I'll ever go and I'm the youngest I'll ever be again. And then it's like flying...I'll just begin my descent. I know the years I have left are far less than what I've already done.

It's like that part of public speaking for me. You prepare. I script out the speech. I'm nervous anyway. But once I get up there and start reading, I just finish and it's okay. I know what I'm going to say, and then I say it. 

I've grieved the loss of the life I had and that I wanted. And I'm really in this pre-retirement phase. And I guess it's good I have the next couple of years to kind of figure it out.

It's nice being able to push things out and procrastinate. I think the most significant difference I feel these days is that lack of urgency. To do anything - die, do dishes, go on trips...anything from the minutia to the very serious. It just feels like...there will be time... or there won't. But there is just not the sense of I have to do this or x will happen.

Even with my pest problem; it sucks and I hate it; and I want to burn the house down. But I also don't feel like it's because I didn't pray or have enough faith. I just picked the wrong house. That's it. 

It's not because of this that I'm going to find my long lost husband/life or not find my long lost husband/ life. It just is.

Oh wait! Did I tie a husband to life. Was that it? Was that where I thought life began. I think so. That was just the next phase. That was the ceremonious next phase. I don't even judge myself for that. So many cultures have these coming of age ceremonies - bar mitzvahs, quincenearas. And marriage. 

So yeah, there was probably a part of me that was holding her breath. Every time I reached a new milestone or had a big achievement, I did just think right around the corner, I'd find my husband. And maybe I missed that he wasn't there. So yeah, it did make those moments feel like something was missing. 

But I think that's just a factor of the culture I grew up in - western culture. Having loved ones to celebrate your wins with you is a part of the culture here. Oh well.

But so is a lot of other things that aren't true for every person. 

So it's okay.

Wow, this is forty. And I already had my mid-life crisis. 

The rest is just tinkering. Life is just a hobby now. It's something I do in my spare time. It's that old car in the garage. And old dream, something to do. Even if you never get the car to run or get it out of your garage, still you tinker. 

Emotional Independence is a lot like Financial Independence

Just finished with Counselor not too long ago. I didn't bring up any race stuff. We just went through my never ending list of thoughts. Somehow we landed on relationships again. Oh well. I'm feeling pretty good right now, so I'm not dwelling.

Well unequivocally, he advised not to re-contact Dan and Sean so after the meeting I scratched them off my life plan for this year. C'est la vie. It did make me wonder if it's even worthwhile to visit Seattle in the summer at all. 

But oh well. That's where my fantasy lake house is. I can still have a hot girl summer there. I hope the Meetup scene is still active.

I'm not worrying about it now. If it sucks, I just won't go back for Fall.

Since I'm in a good mood, I'm going to wax poetic about life.

I feel that my FIRE journey is a lot like my single girl journey. People just don't get it. A lot of it is circumstantial, but it's my circumstance that make this a good fit.

For FI, I'm just not someone that enjoys work. I don't find value in hardwork or working for the sake of working. I'm working because I need money to live. Once I realized, I didn't have to do it for 30 years, I made some sacrifices and life changes to maintain my position. Retiring with a pension or with 30 years of good service was no longer the default outcome or the goal. I just didn't know it was an option before 2018. And as I'll talk about with relationships, it's hard finding anyone in real life that shares my outlook. Some people like the nice things that their hard earned money provides them more than free time. That's just not me. And as it turns out that's okay. The freedom and flexibility and money-joy I found when I found the FIRE community was something I thought just needed to be shouted from the mountain top. But I found no one to listen, and it was incredibly frustrating. Why can't you see what I see? Why don't you believe what I believe. But duh, these people are probably saying the same thing.

I'm reminded of a co-worker who was absolutely dumbfounded that I elected for a hysterectomy because I didn't want kids. So drastic a measure and more so...how could you not want kids. What if that's what God wanted for you? What if your husband wants kids? What husband?!

So yes, FIRE is a factor of my circumstance because I'm not a millionaire. I wasn't born into a trust fund. And I'm not someone who enjoys work/ is that good at it or can get jobs easily. That level of financial insecurity has made pursuing FIRE a better fit for me than someone without that circumstance. But I'm also someone with enough education that I can command a reasonably high salary which makes FIRE more of a possibility.  So yeah, I'd love to keep working and live in a nice house or in a more desirable neighborhood. So that's the sacrifice. I know a lot of bloggers say it's not a sacrifice. But it is for me. I'd love to eat steak everyday or at least have the option to eat steak or get a personal chef or have a weekly housecleaner. But I'd have to keep working and keep climbing the corporate ladder in some way to achieve those things. I just know it's not compatible with the life I can easily live.

So yes, emotional independence is a factor of what's available to me. I'm not a skinny white woman, so my options of partners are limited. I'm also almost 40; have no real idea what a good relationship with a man looks like; watched way too many Disney movies, romance movies; and read too many romance novels. I relied on faith far longer than I should have for a partner to appear. And I'm also very evolved and was raised by hysterical women. I also was very observant and keen on the inequities women face especially dometically and knew that wasn't a life I wanted. That wasn't the sacrifice I was prepared to make in my 20s and early 30s. Work sucked and to think of doing that and being in a relationship catering to a man was not something I wanted for myself.

It felt like I was getting 2 life sentences. 

I would love to be in a relationship with someone I can count on; who brings home the bacon; treasures me; but who I don't have to cook or clean for or hold my tongue; or cater to; or do things that don't come naturally to me. I would love the guarantee of 'life-long.' But as it turns out, friends, few people get this magical relationship I look for. So as this is my circumstance, the better path for me is emotional independence.

I have to rely on myself to meet my own emotional needs. Right now this looks like weekly therapy (maybe more). It looks like distractions; and many trials of different routines; random trips by myself. Communicating with any loose relationships by email (so as not to interrupt my daily flow). Going to random Meetups or community events as they arise. 

I am the central focus of my life. I am the apple of my own eye. I'm the one telling me I'm the best and I have to re-affirm that with my self. 

I make my own way emotionally and financially because that is the best path for me. And it is in large part a matter of circumstance. 

This is unlikely anyone's dream, but it is my reality. It's the life I could design with the most readily available tools. I don't have a mental 3D printer to dream up new tools or designs or pathways. And it's unlikely anything significant will happen to change this path for me for the better in any meaningful way before I die. 

It's freeing. So many people wonder what their life will look like. In so far as I can control it, I know exactly what the next 0-20 years of my life will look like. 

Money vs God

 Been thinking more about this magical element of life that I so desperately wanted to believe in. Also how God is often juxtaposed with money. As if you can only have one or the other. Well, for now I choose money.

Money is tangible and consistent and I'm not left wondering. When I go to the grocery and an apple costs $1, I know if I have $1 in my wallet. I don't have to wonder if I have enough faith to purchase the apple. 

Maybe that's why I've glommed onto FIRE. It's tangible; it's achievable; it's transactional. My $1 doesn't wake up one day and decides it doesn't have feelings for me anymore. It doesn't equal 95 cents one day and 3 cents the next day.

A dollar is always a dollar whether the sun is out or it's rainy. 

I don't have to guess what it means or what it's talking about. I don't have to consider it's feelings. I don't have to wonder why it's talking to me that way.

I think that's why I love personal finance. 

It's the people that make me crazy. It's the clerks, your friends, your family, the people you have to relate to that have all these unexpected responses.

I can like someone, and they can just not like me. Or I can be nice to someone and they can be mean to me. I can call someone and they cannot call me back. It's these asynchronous patterns that just throw me for a loop and for whatever reason my brain can't handle. 

I think giving up on magic has been the best thing for me thus far. When I stop asking if this is all there is, and I stop looking for a bigger reason or a bigger picture I can resolve things faster. 

I noticed I can recover faster with hiccups at work. I think largely due to my FIRE safety net. Ok, it's due to my FIRE safety net. But also, just a lack of a bigger picture. 

This is all there is. There is no magical meaning. No magical outcome. 

My uncle died from essentially aspirating on his own vomit from being drunk. And that's just how he lived and died. There was no magical reason that he married, had kids, and cheated on my aunt. Or married another woman; moved to another country and had a girlfriend. Had a few kids that he never checked in on.

There's no magical reason why they were born.  It's just science.

I actually re-read my dad's obituary recently, and it looks as though there were 2 kids between me and my younger brother. I didn't know that. Who do I even ask to confirm? 

Stressed, tired, and mentally fried

 Yeah, friends, the work stress is real. Even though I'm signing off at a reasonable time, the next day's work is playing over in my mind. I wake up with my heart pounding, and just dread all the work I have to get done this week and the next coming weeks to get these 2 projects out the door.

I'm not sure what to do about it. 

Well at least it's a reminder that long-term work is not for me and so too the prizes of that long-term steady income.

Now in Month 2 of this twilight zone era of my life...it's a bit weird.

Eventhough I wanted to step away from all the mental plotting, I did browse the Doctor of Credit site and got a bit too excited trying to figure out if I can make the Chase bonus work - still can't. And I listened to the new episode of Friends on Fire. After which I stumbled upon this weird podcast where this girl just curses and vents. This is what people are doing, no wonder everyone is doing a podcast. 

Anyway, she echoed some of my sentiments about people not prioritizing their friendships. I feel you, my girl, I feel you! But she was more forgiving and understanding that people should prioritize their boyfriends. I still don't get that, but oh well. 

I'm not sure why having a ton of work makes me want to bury my head in the sand. 

But I've kind of given up on this year, and it's only been about a month. I'm just going to lay down and take it. 

Oh, I watched an episode of Family Karma and did some stalking. Monica the girl on there has this trip to Bali advertised on her Instagram page that you can join. How fun right! One of my relatives is doing something similar with her business. 

Wow, this is what life is now. Just consumerism and influencing. How can we entice you to spend your money. I don't want to be a miser but my lens is definitely clouded. 

I was tempted to go at the $2500 price tag until I realized it didn't include flights! Sheesh. I think in my mind 2-2500 is kind of the price tag I have in mind for a week long escorted trip with flights and meals included! And no hassle of planning.

So that trip is a bit steep. I wonder how much of a kick back she gets for the trip or does she just get her stuff paid for. 

Anyway, it's barely Tuesday and I'm already ready for the weekend.

I'm out of thoughts. 

Stressed and in need of a break

 Ahhh, I don't know if it's the busy week ahead but I am feeling stressed and in need of a break. I'm so tired of thinking and plotting and planning.

Part of my goal is to plan this "perfect year" so I wouldn't have anymore emotional upsets. But it's getting tiring.

I can't think or plan another thing.

So many of my weekends since joining FIRE has been spent crunching and running numbers. Either recalculating finance goals or milestones; trying to squeeze one more cent into my savings account; or being discouraged that even with all this money I still feel so far away from anything I really want.

So then I'm plotting to figure out what I want. What's achievable? 

I thought I derived joy out of reading people's stories. But most times these days, I feel like I'm in a video game. What's real.

The latest blogger I binge read did the classic trajectory - I *love* living in a tiny space for $0 a month and Value time with my family and walking everywhere. Oh wait, now that I'm a multimillionaire, I have a nanny, bought a 1.5 million dollar house and have an EV. What?!

I'm just burned out. I hate using that word, but I have no other words to describe what I feel right now. I'm constantly writing and re-writing my own narrative. Half the time it's because I don't know what I want when it seems everyone else does; the other half of the time it's because what I want isn't achievable, so then I have to re-wonder if it's what I want or what I think I should want.

When does this nonsense get easier.

And then with the men in my family dying having lived lives I don't admire or would never dream of, it kind of seems like what's the point. There is apart of living where you want your life's choices to be shared by other people. It validates it, at least for me. 

But I can't find that so I feel like I'm waffling, drowning... I don't know. 

For whatever reason, now that I share my house with wildlife creatures of the earth, I've kind of decided I don't want to live here. But what does that mean - do I just suck it up because it's the cheapest place I can find to live. Or save up to buy a big beautiful house that I don't really want to care for. So now I have to mentally store all these exit plans. I started to get nervous of spending $20k on what is essentially vacations and wonder if after 5 years of doing this I'll be really upset that I didn't save it up for a downpayment on a nicer place.

It's too many variables all at once even when I'm trying my hardest to control for everything.

I'm done with my life plan for this year. Just like I was with LeanFIRE when it got to be too much. Whatever I've written out as of today is the plan moving forward for this year. 

Right now it mostly involves focusing on work from Jan - March. And then my 3 sessions away from the house. That's it.

I'm not looking up anymore fire blogs this month. I'm not optimizing anything. I want to take a break from bank bonus churning. From trying to figure out credit cards. 

This was supposed to be a great year, but even that was too much to ask for. 

Was it this cold last year!

I don't want to think or plan or plot or scheme or strategize or dream. I just want to be left alone. I'm tired of the grind. 

So many people live (and subsequently die) without all the things I'm aiming for - FIRE, a great work-life balance, community, adventure, a beautiful house. It's okay if I don't achieve these things either. 

Everything is okay. Nothing matters in the end. I didn't win at life, and that's okay. We all share this earth together and even next door to each other we are miles apart in wants, needs, accomplishments, achievements, desires, feelings of fulfillment, attachment, community, belonging. And yet the world keeps turning.