Vacation Day 1

 So, I already know coming up with things to do was going to be a struggle, so I decided to start vacation Day 1 with a little structure.

I woke up around 8a and it was quite cool, so I immediately put on some mismatched socks and shoes and drove to the lake. I'd never been  and this felt as good a time as any.

I need more influences in my life!

That's just a side note.

Well I made it to the lake; it was a 10 min drive, per GPS. I easily found municipal parking by the bank. I got out of the car and crossed the street. And just walked around reading all the posted signs. There is a little swimming area and a place to launch boats and kayaks. 

Made me think to get a paddleboard. I would think they would have more rental companies like a pedal boat or rental kayaks. But the season just started, so who knows. 

What I'd hoped for was a walking trail around the lake. No dice. At least not that I saw. 

So I just walked around the patches of grass I had access to. It would be a nice place for a picnic and to read but I could also do that at my house. 

Oh, yesterday I ate outside in my little folding chair and sat outside for about 20 minutes.

Summer is so interesting for me. The heat is too uncomfortable for me to actually get out and do anything. But let's just focus on this day, shall we.

So, yes I did that. Came home and checked email and started writing this blog post.

This vacation I decided to try something different. Instead of trying to force myself to avoid my laptop and work emails, I just decided to check it periodically. 

Yesterday  I ran 2 reports and sent subsequent emails. I did. It was after 5p and I wanted to feel productive and help my boss. 

I do think I need a mental break from being on all the time, but cold turkey didn't seem like the best approach. I've just been getting jumbled up mentally - things I thought I did and didn't; clicking too fast and clicking on the wrong thing. Just overall some of my quality has declined with the sheer volume of entangled tasks to remember. 

I certainly have no desire to wash dishes, fold laundry or vacuum, so that's not even on the radar. 

What I am proud of:

- I defrosted and reheated 2 different meals that should last the majority of the week

- I made a gravy to go with one of the meals (something I've literally been avoiding for 5 months)

- 1 of the frozen meals I thought I had - I actually didn't and I didn't even cry about it. I just pivoted and decided to reheat another meal the next day. It was a little more labor because I had to defrost and portion and label and re-freeze the rest. But I did it!

- And I made a cake mix cake yesterday!

So on the food front, I should be good! I'm happy about that because arranged meals make vacation happier and I can clear out freezer. Double win! 

As you know I was playing around on MINT yesterday, so seeing my slight uptick in groceries with all this food here added a little motivation.

And overall, I'm just happy I was able to crank out the numbers from the comparison between me an my friend's 401k contributions. That was getting my panties in a bunch! So residual high about that. Math works! 

Here's how I spent most of my Saturday..

Remember I was thinking how did her low contributions end up with the same balance as mine. Her secret wasn't a phenomenal financial advisor, nope just an awesome employer match!

I was surprised how much difficulty my eyes seemed to have adjusting to sunlight when I sat outside yesterday. So today, I'm wearing some clear sunglasses indoors because I know I'll be watching TV all day and see if that does anything. 

Happy Memorial Day! I miss my aunt. I feel like everything I touch or know how to do it's because she was a part of it. I regret most of all that I didn't make her last years on earth more enjoyable. She cried out for help and I ignored it thinking it was the next person's job! I willingly let Satan win because I remember saying - God I can't do this, Satan is going to have to win this one. 

When I went to the lake today, I thought, she would've been content just to sit outside on this bench. It just took me so long to get here. 

Financial Update - April and May Spending and Some Life Notes

 I don't know what it is but the last 2 months I've been checking my balances more often than usual. Maybe I'm bored, anxious - who knows?

I identified early on that checking my income and expenses more often than every 3 months was not beneficial to my mental health as I often felt pulled to make a change - which ended in some sort of downspiral enough of the time. 

I think part of what motivated me the last 2 months were intermittent feelings and angst about my job, getting a new job, leaving this job. So, in summation - some perceived job instability. 

Anyway, as you may know, at the beginning of this year, I dipped a toe in the world of budgeting apps. Less so for keeping me on budget and more so for tracking purposes. I started to lose interest in manually updating my spreadsheets and wanted something more visual.  Plus all the cools kids were doing it. 

And then in the last couple of weeks a colleagues shared some of her numbers with me and it took me in a spiral because I thought her investment choices were outperforming mine! So it gave me cause for pause. Basically, her 401k after 4 years seemed to be doing better than mine after 4 years and she was contributing less. Her financial advisor was picking and rebalancing her allocations, so it made me wonder if my target date fund was letting me down.

There were a few misconceptions though.

- For whatever reason, I had it in my head that I left Call Center #1 with $100k balance in 401k - that turned out to be false. 

 I left it with $71k and so the fact that it was at $100k with no additional contribution was actually pretty awesome! 

- And my colleague was saying she'd only been contributing the minimum to get the match, and I felt like I'd been working hard to max out my 401k, so why did we have the same balance?  

In reality, her company match of 6% played a big part. So we had similar contributions for similar end of year balances - that part was key.  But I did have more of my hard earned cash in there vs hers was quite heavily padded with company match money.  And her general higher salary over all helped her get to the same place. 

So I was comparing her 6-10% contribution to my 20% contribution and wondering how we were getting the same returns.  That was an inaccurate comparison. The dollar amounts ended up being closer. 

It was eye opening to see what a higher salary and greater match can really do to the bottom line!  I mean you know it intuitively but to see the actual dollars was...as I said... eye-opening. 

- And at 12% contribution to her 401k, her financial advisor had her projected to $2.25 million in 25 years, and it felt like I was never going to get there. 

I still actually don't know how those projections were made, based on a lower starting balance. But I ran my numbers using the projection tool on Personal Capital, the Vanguard retirement income calculator, and my trusty friend the Compound Interest Calculator on investor.gov.

So I feel better about my numbers and potential projections.

I appreciate my friend for being open. It is one thing I've wanted on this personal finance journey - more open talks about money. Then I remembered, that's what blogging and reading other people's blogs offers me. Virtual insight into other people's financial plans. 

Anyway, after that chat with my colleague, I really considered signing up with her financial planner for a couple reasons. One - I was needing a little boost and just a financial check-in. Other than the internet, I haven't really had anyone asses my financial plans and offer any advice or optimization strategies. I really don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I just kind of click and hope for the best! 

Secondly - I was interested in his projections and rate of return. But that has dissipated significantly. I also generally just have questions of what happens next. Say I reach my goal, what then? 

So there is a desire to meet with a professional, but the urgency is not where it was Friday night! What a difference a day makes! 

Anyway, I really intended this to be short and sweet, but here we are.

Anyway, as I said in the beginning, I tried the apps. The first few months, it didn't really do much, but the more I log-in, the more useful I've found them.

I love the Snapshot.

Here's my spending for April 2021

 

Here's first 30 days of May 2021.

 

So for May

- Yes I paid State Taxes

- And I've been hitting the FL pre-packaged food aisle and hot bar a little hard the last couple months.

- Had to get my license plate renewed and car inspected.

- And I could easily just click the "Shopping" category and see what that $2.25 was.

- And then of course those pesky robo-advisor fees. 

That was easy!

And some good news

And I just crested my Flex FI number in assets this weekend!!!  It's amazing. So if I did 5% withdrawal, I could technically be okay for a looooooooooooong time. Then, this lady I'd been following-up with wants to move forward with the hiring process for a clinical Medical Writing job. It's early days, but it was the nicest boost after the triggering effects of pursuing an internal Med Info Mgr role. 

Anyway, being this close to my FI number is amazing. It's definitely shifted my focus a bit more on what exactly does life after FI look like? I've thought about it, obviously, but mostly been laser focused on saving all the money! 

I still click around to find volunteer organizations. 

I still think about reading and walking and personal health. 

Nothing has really changed but I am a tiny bit hopeful that I will eventually start making moves in the right direction of harvesting a life to "retire to." I don't know. No big moves, I'm not ready.

Right now, I'm still just trying to do one day a time. One task a a time. 

Getting Comfortable in the Silence

 So I did a couple things well yesterday, in terms of cutting the cord with this 24/7 job and achieving a better work-life balance.

Let's be honest though, the life part of that equation is pretty non-existent. But the "work" part of it isn't entirely significant in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, what I did well:

- Didn't proactively attempt to work on the Escalation Spreadsheet (in my mind, my boss noticed; because she ended up having to call a meeting to distribute work)

- Didn't proactively work on the SOP (boss ended up delegating it to me)

Ok that seemed huge in my mind. I honestly don't know how I ended up working last night from ~8:30a to 1:25a? 

Everything required so much effort to prepare, and I think that's what's lost on my boss.

When I saw 2 of my buddy's subordinates had already listened to their 2 calls by 2p yesterday, I was floored. How is that even possible? I'd barely made a dent in my task list. 

I'm definitely doing something wrong.

I think I had 3 meetings, so that was part of it. Plus an impromptu troubleshooting session. So that was like 4 hours. 

And each report was like an hour of prep time. 

Then 45 minutes while we emotionally supported my boss in managing the vendor. I think she steps in a lot and it's a little confusing on what the next steps are. I'm seeing that with the vendor. They are unimpressed with her threats. She has given the same direction a few times now and they just don't heed it. 

As I've observed, she's very reactive. Unfortunately, the vendor is not. 

She has asked a couple times now about suggestions for managing them. Her Girl Friday hasn't said anything, and I certainly don't have any ideas. 

Understandably, she's probably getting a lot of pressure from her boss so she has to come back with something to say. Unfortunately, the vendor is just unresponsive. Which is not how our internal teams act- well some of the people anyway. 

So yes, I had to get comfortable in the silence of now our 3x/week meetings.

I will continue to get more comfortable with that because last night I wish I had gone on mute after 5p following up on other people's work. 

Slowly, but surely, I will get there.

1 year of fumbles, and maybe she's finally seeing the light? Doubt it.

Also, My Buddy's direct reports are asking what their roles and responsibilities are. So that helps me feel less bad for the dumb conversation I had last week.

I think The Dinosaur probably is asking for this more - because our team loves to live in limbo. And I think the White Man is asking for this some - because he's getting work dumped on him. Ha! He actually has to do work. I'd like to think him having to do Knowledge was the kicker. That would amuse me. 

Speaking of him working, there was something he was supposed to do, but didn't do - and lo and behold I found a bandaid because I don't want it coming back on me. 

Oh the other thing I did yesterday that I'm proud of is when I made my list of things to do - I marked some as Extras. There were about 4 things on there that I was like hmmm, not a huge priority as it's really outside my remit and wasn't really assigned to me. 

So yes, continuing to prioritize; get more comfortable not being proactive; keeping quiet; and giving 100-120% only. 

What does Flex FI do for me?

 So of course once I tried to set sights on just staying in this job and making it work, I had an instant case of buyer's remorse. 

As usual, I was clicking around job boards and FI blogs trying to find what I could find. 

I stumbled on some listicles about FI milestones and one that actually helped. I think it was FI 180?

Sometimes, I can just be very linear in my thinking. I honed in on 4% withdrawal rate and 25x expenses as my FI number. And for that journey, it still is.

However, this PF blogger described something called Flex FI. Basically as an intermediary goal to FI is a milestone of reaching 20x your expenses.  The blogger went on to say, with that ever touted Trinity Study, even at 20x your income and 5% withdrawal rate, you still have a ~80% chance of success. Good enough for me! 

Again, I don't need money forever. 

It doesn't soothe all my angst and hurt feelings, but it was just another layer of security. It provides an intermediate milestone before the big one. 

So in the back of my mind, I definitely hope to stay employed until FI ($500k) but that's a ways away yet. Flex FI ($400k) is much closer and can be something that seems attainable. 

So, if I can stay in the game just a little while longer, whatever happens at work will obviously be devastating, but I at least I have the option to Flex FI vs activating The Final Countdown. 

Ultimately, this number was a welcome mental boost to my journey. It just never even occurred to me because I never read the Trinity Study for myself. At least not that I can remember. 

This just helps me to soothe anxiety of life as a hectic Call Center Manager. I can lessen the pressure to find another job. I mean that would be ideal, but I don't have to worry about being laid off at work at the end of the year. It will be psychologically devastating, of course, but financially, I will have options - flexibility, if you will. And that is my ultimate money goal. 

So yeah the time horizon to Flex FI is potentially close enough that sticking it out as a Call Center Manager is an easier decision than putting myself through the psychologically labile process of interviewing. 

Until the next hit to my mental state, this is something in my toolbox to get through the next period of time. Day by day of course. 

If I can just get through this hurdle, that increases my chance of getting to FI. That is to say getting to FI without changing jobs.

My job doesn't change but its role in my life (i.e. impact to financial goals) and my approach and attitude towards it can shift.  The time horizon to Flex FI is more manageable than the years away from FI ($500k).

I think the other good thing about Flex FI ($400k) is that even if I reach true FI ($500k), I can feel a little less stressed about loosening the purse strings. I was a bit worried about being held to a $20k/yr budget but now I know I could go up to $25k/yr comfortably. That is breathing room I definitely wanted. 

I'm a Call Center Manager

 That's it. I'm a call center manager. It's not the job I dreamed for myself. It's not the job I spent 1.5 years applying for, but here we are. 

Once I accept it and get on board with my particular station in life, the easier life will be to navigate. 

I'm a call center manager. My teammates are not ones I would've chosen. I think my boss is a great person but I'm constantly stuck in a reactive state.

This week, despite my better judgment, because I already had it on my list of things to do, I asked her for her vision of what a manager should be able to do. I could tell she wasn't prepared for that conversation. Then I remembered I'd asked her about it before when I first started.

I regretted it. We had 9 minutes left in our monthly check-in, and it just wasn't a good time.

I'm not proactively asking about the salary email I sent. And I'm definitely not brining up any more "what's my job or expectations" conversations. I'm just going to wait for things to fall between the cracks and when she says it a couple times, I'll respond.

It works for everyone else on the team. I will probably feel bad, but I'll get over it.

Without even trying and despite my best efforts, I missed a lot of things (and so did everyone else) with this database migration and transition. It was just thing after thing after thing. I noticed when I ask other people to do stuff, it's half done and the dinosaur just treats everything like a negotiation. The other girl doesn't do it. And the white man does it or doesn't but only at the most basic level. 

And we're all hired and me and the other manager and other managers make the same.

Everyone works these crazy hours. Well the same people. 

I've said everything I wanted to say - pay me more, tell me what my job is. Now, I'm just going to enjoy the ride. It might last the next 6 months, but I hope it lasts for 2 more years until Bonus Day 2023. 

So I took a day off next week as comp time for the Saturday and Sunday I worked.

Right after I post this, I'm going to turn the computer off. 

And then I'm taking the week off for Memorial Day. I realized it's only 4 days (not 5), but I'm taking it as comp time. We'll see if my manager notices I didn't request to use my actual PTO.

Oh well. 

Another self-check I am working on is - am I trying to call someone out? Whether it's my manager, immediate co-workers, or larger team - we all make mistakes; and a lot of it ends up being something that affects other people's jobs. 

That's just the way the cookie crumbles. Why am I making myself the center of the world? Because I don't prefer to function in a reactive state.

It's been one year, I hope I can make it 2 more. But just one day at a time.

I will say, once I declined the Med Info Mgr interview, I didn't look back. No looking back. For that, I'm glad. 

I'm going to eat my popcorn and drink this bitter soda.

I'm going to sit back and watch the fire burn.... still eating my popcorn.

Plan is to stop proactively doing stuff; stop volunteering for work.

The Knowledge project has been moved to the White Man. My Buddy (her #1) hasn't run a report for 3 or 4 weeks now. I decided against picking up her slack. 

I'll have to keep you all updated on how the next week goes. Woosa!