I messaged Last Boy to accompany me on this trip this weekend. I know it's a No, but I just couldn't help myself. Grr.
What do I respond when he says no?
A fitting end to the month...
Or should I call this - I'll never be a child star, part 2.
Yeah, I'm a recovering secret-love addict. I just kept waiting for something magical to happen. I realized at 27 that I was not going to be discovered on the street and be a famous person, namely a child star. Shirley Temple dreams were laid to rest. Not easily mind you.
Yesterday, I backslid a little. Looking for connection, attention, anything. Well we know the trigger is - milestones, or special events. I want to tell someone. That's how the marketing works. That's the culture I was born into.
So yeah, after the fiasco of apartment 1, I'd successfully moved into apartment two on my slow travel roadtrip to Newtown.
Since you all are my only audience, it's getting harder and harder to disguise the names because I want to talk outloud.
But I am again reminded... the rest of this journey is a solo one. There's no big reunion of my friends. There's no turn I can take, or text I can send that can return things to the way they were.
Once I can fully realize that, the better.
I love living in a nice apartment, friends. It's refreshing. It's nice. I feel special. I like sunshine in the morning. I like high ceilings. I love a dry air. I love the sun.
So I'm doing this journey alone, but it doesn't have to suck.
There are parts I can enjoy. Like getting excited over cut fruit at the Publix and spending a bit too much. And being happy I didn't have to drive all the way to Whole Foods. Cuz Publix had way cheaper cut fruit and vegan cookies! Win. It's the simple things.
I scarfed down ribs and dairy free nacho chips for supper. With a side of fried chicken.
TLC didn't hold my attention much. I guess I should probably refrain from watching relationship shows on Sundays. Whoops!
Haven't found a routine yet, and that's okay.
I slept on the couch, and didn't cough. Yay, Pepcid!
The next 2 days will probably be stressful. But I got some snacks to help. And I wasn't even thinking that far ahead.
But then I get to take a trip, and all is well. I'm very tempted to book my Cabo trip. But it feels frivolous. The biggest concern is cashing in my points for hotels.com gift cards. I can't undo that. Otherwise everthing else is refundable.
Maybe today, I'll book the airfare and see how that feels.
I'm just ready to move on.
It's been really motivating to see my investments go back up. Yay! I'm not making any more moves until I get closer or hit my millionaire goal. Yeah, I said it! You know when I get nervous, I overshare!
Yes, Bob, final answer - I want to be a millionaire!!!
Married to Money.
I don't have to keep proving myself to an invisible audience.
Life can be good.
Still feeling good
I'm not sure if this throat problem is heartburn or a respiratory illness. Just a slight irritation at the base of my throat after a coughing fit last night.
The chicken I had was quite peppery.
I called Maryland Aunty and her sister was there. Also another Maryland Aunty. They were having sister time. Felt a little awky because I don't talk to second aunty much. So that call ended.
Then called HS friend. She having family time. Their new move came with price increases they didn't see coming. She says they'll be in the red if partner doesn't get a job.
Even though I'm solo-lifeing right now. And even when I've been watching my dating shows, I'm not feeling the strong urge for romance. It's like when I was in the last stretch of pharmacy school. I already had the moment that I wanted to start a journey with someone. So when I'm at the last step, I kind of just want to finish how I started - solo.
I'm this close to finalizing my move, so I might as well keep going. Now that my hormones have settled, I can more clearly see my committee members' life choices for what they are - just different lifestyle choices.
I saw a classmate I never thought I'd see again. He looked exactly the same, yet was a whole father and husband now. But I still see just a more stressed and tightly wound version of the 18 year old I used to know.
I don't feel like I'm missing anything. It's just like when you work at a company and everyone has a different job. It just doesn't feel like we're running the same race anymore. And finally, I'm starting to be okay with it.
It feels less like this thing that was "taken" from me or that I never got the chance to experience. Just think of all the things in life you didn't do but still lived and life was okay. That's just kind of how it feels like - that last cookie, the last piece of cheesecake, the last hug, one more tv show...nothing actually happens after the moment passes.
I'm in a nicer apartment now and I'm happy. Although the app is saying I have to move out by the 9th. Not sure what that's about as I didn't receive a notification or anything, which is odd. It still shows available, so I might double check with the community liaison.
Since I already know this apartment is nice, I'd rather stay here longer than risk the apartment in the next city.
I like how much of an expert I was at moving stuff. I got settled in pretty quickly. Got groceries and was ready to relax after 12n. I'd be happy to stay until the 12th and then make the move to the next city.
But after some vacillating, I'm finally coming around to the idea that the move to Newtown is happening. I'm halfway there.
I like my life.
It was nice to be able to talk money outloud with a colleague though.
Oh, I'm still stalking the trip to Cabo. And I think I'm going to do it. I just want to keep celebrating me. And if I'm able to get furniture and stuff all squared away... I think moving in should be pretty easy.
For Cabo, although I want to mitigate some risk by spreading out the points, I think the easiest will be to pay for a roundtrip ticket full price. And just use $700 worth of points for the hotel. It turns out I have a $50 credit on Expedia, so that was nice! So 3 days for about $600. Not bad.
2 weeks on Lexapro and other life updates
I don't know when exactly I last blogged, so let me catch you up.
Med Update
It's been about 2 weeks since I switched from Zoloft to Lexapro. Luckily, the fire breathing belly and throat burn has subsided. I haven't noticed any remarkable side effects on Lexapro. Not to say there aren't any. They just might not be noticeable yet. Luckily, I didn't have any discontinuation syndrome coming off Zoloft. But I was only on a half tablet of whatever dose I started.
But I also haven't noticed any remarkable effects, either. I miss the fearlessness I experienced on Zoloft. So comparing one to the other, that's the biggest change.
In terms of Lexapro vs baseline. I've cried once briefly during therapy, but other than that no more tearfulness. But the urge is certainly there. But I'm also very distracted with work and my slow move to Newtown. I am still replaying conversations. I notice that now vs my week onsite for work. Where I could recount almost nothing. Now, I've replayed a bad interview and random conversations. If I were to dig hard for a change, I would say I other than the interview, I don't find myself regretting things I said. So I'm not sure why my brain is replaying it.
(Oh, I guess the pool is open. I was wondering about that.)
If I'm looking for things that might be related to the meds that's good/ different vs recent times:
- Maybe I'm able to resolve things faster; but that might also be due to the transitional nature of my life right now. Optimizing is second or third to just finding a solution to my immediate problem. So I guess I'm not ruminating on decisions that later turn out to be less optimal. But I do notice them. So maybe I'm solving problems faster? Not sure
- In line with that, when something needs to be done, I will opt to just do it. Especially if it's simple. But that didn't happen with my project. I stewed on it for like 2 days. So that is also TBD.
- In my last apartment, I found myself doing more domestic things at the last minute. Namely, washing clothes and running the dishwasher. No improvement on hair or dental hygiene though. Maybe marginally more showers, but I also have been sweating more.
So I still maintain this med works more on depressions symptoms ( which I don't really identify with) vs anxiety (which I more identify with). But we'll see what happens at month 1 or 2. As long as I don't have any negative side effects that are intolerable, I'm willing to give it a 2 or 3 month trial.
Honestly, I was at the point where if the heartburn medicine was working, I may have kept taking Zoloft. Which is a lot for someone who didn't want to take meds at all.
Other Life Updates/ Accomplishments
- Made it to Roadstop #2 on Thursday after getting bumped from Summertown. The trip was mostly uneventful, so that was good. Good decision too to try to slow travel. After 8 hours on the road, I was not going to be happy to get up the next morning and do it again.
Well when I got to the new apartment, it was giving Motel 6 vibes. And I felt a little unsure what to do next. Since I was already bumped for the 15th, the app wouldn't let me pick a new place. Luckily, I had a community manager and miracle-of-miracles I reached out to him. And by the next morning, I was able to book a new place. I move in tomorrow. Yay! So that's what I mean about problem being solved quickly. At first, I was trying to suck it up and just cry and wonder why me. But nope, I found a solution. And it worked out. Next up was just sucking it up/ keep moving after my trip to Newtown next weekend.
I am hopeful that the next unit will be better.
- Making steady progress on my work project that delivers next week!
- Made a last minute pit stop to FedEx.
- Just overall packing myself out of last apartment. And unloading car (before I knew how awful this apartment was) when I arrived at Roadstop #2.
- Cancelling all my tickets out of Summertown.
Overall, here's where I am.
I am about 2 days worth of travel away from Newtown. I think I'll probably try to stick with the original plan of heading to Roadstop #3 about a week before I'm due in Newtown. However, if I can't find a standby unit, that plan may be adjusted. I'll prob just book a hotel. But I am glad I waited to book any rooms ahead of time.
But yeah, this is feeling more and more real.
I have an apartment on hold which is exciting.
The last couple weeks, I keep getting 52-week high alerts which always makes me check my balances. At this point, I don't expect much growth. I'm hovering around 67% of progress, but still keeping expectations low and hoping to end the year at around 65%. It's still really exciting and puts a pep in my step. I decided to hold off on making any rollovers to my 401k until the balances stabilizes. At this point, there's really no rush.
Financially, I'm looking forward to the next 3 years. And unless my time in Newtown is awful, I'm already thinking it'll be my default landing place while I finish this last leg of my financial race. I was recapping my last 10 years to a colleague yesterday and that started to help it feel more real and reflective.
I think I might still go to Cabo. I'm not totally excited. But I'm hoping my colleague that's going will at least confirm the food is good. The Cabo trip will serve a couple of purposes - use up my Catalzye points. Mark the end of my old life; be a mile marker of sorts for many things; be a celebration of a new beginning; and also be like an end of summer trip. Presumably, work will be more steady in September. So yeah, I think for those reasons, I might go. And I like that it's a short trip. Not that I couldn't change it, but I already requested the time off work and put it on people's calendars.
I think having that separation between where I was and where I am will be good. I like symbolic and ceremonial things. It will be good to put a period on the last chapter of my life with this trip. No pressure huh. I find myself hesitant to call my past my Old Life. Feels like it puts too much pressure on the next steps.
Oh on the meds, I will say I'm more forgetful and absent-minded. But we'll see if that's really a factor of the meds or just this wonky space I'm in in life. Anyway, in this moment, I'm excited to see what the future holds. It's like a familiar book..a book from the same author....but the story is different because of different characters....but you know this author and their themes... and you hope you enjoy it.
Angsty feelings and the algorithm...
So yesterday was a day! I spent the first part of the morning moping around and settling into the fetal position because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.
After therapy, we decided to check-out for a few hours and then check back in with myself.
I couldn't settle into the show I was watching and just laid around aimlessly.
Then I got an alert that my new reservation in Interim Town 2 was already bumped! Ahhhh! Well there goes that idea of idling my way to Newtown this summer.
This message coincided with a message I got from an apartment complex.
So by the end of the day, I'd hatched a plan.
I sent the required docs to the apartment complex and I'm in the process of holding the unit. Sight, unseen. Yikes! I did do a quick internet search to see if anything horrid came up.
And I vaguely remember people on the message boards saying not-bad stuff about it. The unit felt like it was going to be snatched up if I didn't act quickly, so I went for it. It doesn't have a balcony but the price was right and when I looked at it on Maps, the neighborhood is squarely downtown so it's lots of concrete, but I saw at least a couple restaurants I could walk to.
But mostly, I just wanted this process done. And I had an endgame.
So as of now, I'm moving out of this unit on Thursday (eeek!), and onto Interim Town 2. I have to be out of the unit in Town 2 by August 15. Since that's the middle of the week and my new apartment in Newtown won't be ready then. I'm going to mosey on to Town 3 the weekend before that.
And that's it folks!
So as of now
- Cabo is out the window
- Staying around in Summer house for the month of August is out the window
- And postponing move to Newtown is out the window
But if all goes well, I do have a place to stay in Newtown. But work is in high gear so my only focus this week is getting work done, and high tailing it out of here.
But with the flurry of activity, I was able to pack up my crap; load up the car; take the trash out, and cook. I even showered twice!
I finally made potato salad. It was so tasty.
I'm taking it easy this morning because my Review closes at the end of the business day so a late night for me. I might get some donuts for the road trip on Thursday.
And that folks is my week.
I have a bunch of personal errands I'll probably need to catch up on, but I'll save that for the weekend. Because next week promises to be another hectic week.
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