Jan 6, 2023, The thing with burning desire

 I'm onto you, Burning Desire. Over the last couple years I've had these really defining moments of Burning Desire. We all know by now of my burning desire to end my life. Then it was to be married, have a husband, teammate, life partner, relationship. 

I even put that in my vision statement for 2023. In this moment, my only burning desire is to be able to breathe tonight while I asleep. I'm too aware to know it's not going to happen to even wish for it. 

Work was actually ok this week even though I was terrified of missing most of it.

I still have a ton of stuff to do and no desire to do it.

Anyway, as for burning desire. It's just so funny how it has fooled me in the past, but now that I am calling it out, it's almost silly.

I had the Burning Desire for FIRE, which of course is a good thing and I still want it but while on the journey, it just burned me to my core how badly I wanted it. I don't even want to read through my old entries on how much suffering that was. It was just so hard to wait for it. 

I'm just so confused about all the negative feelings I had over the last 2 years (and longer). But especially combined with FIRE. I think it just seemed like such a ticket out.

So burning desire to be a Medical Information Manager. Burning desire to live and move to Seattle. Burning desire to go Dubai. 

Even Egypt a few days ago.

Honestly, not burning, but definitely lukewarm desire to quit my job rather than face doing these next 2 projects.

Having gotten sick on my last travel, I don't have a desire to ever leave the house again. Ten days of torture is enough. I'm on Day 7 and I've had enough.

I'm so looking forward to getting this work done and moving on to the next thing.

I can't believe we're 6 days into the new year already.

I'm really glad I have a flexible job.

I stumbled upon a podcast called friendsonfire and it's been nice to hear people actually vocally talking about FIRE. I don't get to actually hear the conversation audibly when I just read. 

It's nice to hear words.

It makes me wish I could have weekly conversations about personal finance, really life in general. I'm jealous I never made a friend like that at work. Oh well. 

Oh, one thing I've been meaning to say out loud.. I'm a woman living with depression. I've been in denial for awhile but hearing Mrs. Frugalwoods talk about her relationship with clothes as a sign of underlying depression made me think about my situation.

All these milestones I've been trying to hit - maybe related to depression. We'll see. 

Identifying as a woman living with depression, I can see the value in person-first disease naming. I'd rather be a woman living with depression than...'I'm depressed.' It feels so total. 

I don't know yet if it'll stick. But being able to say, hmmm I'm having a depressive episode and counting the days somehow seems to be a coping tool. 

I think this idea of watching my life as an observer extends to observing my mental state. 

So like most things, I don't have a cool friend to have a weekly podcast chat with, but I have a therapist I pay that will talk to me weekly. Money solves problems.

I can't believe I have the next 12 hours of trying to breathe with no open nostrils. And I'm sitting completely up so that idea of blood rushing to my head when supine is bunk. Nighttime hits and the congestion comes with it. 

I guess I have nothing profound to say after all.

2022 Income and Expenses

 Hi, friends.

I was waiting till I felt much better to write this, but here it goes anyway.

The summary:

Gross Income:  ~$164K

Net Income (passed through my bank accounts): ~$66K

Total Expenses: ~$44.6K

Total Invested: ~$80.5K (incl 25k in CDs/bonds)

Notes:

This is the highest gross income to date. This is awesome! This doesn't even include about $9k of employer 401k contributions that I like to conveniently forget about.  And things like a handful of free EAP sessions. And a free cell phone! 

Because of my heavy 401k contributions, my net pay was just a fraction of my gross income. That's okay by me. The general rule is to take advantage of tax-advantaged accounts first, so that's what I do. Even when I grapple with it, I end up just sticking with maxing out my 401k every which way I can. 

This is also my highest year of expenses except for maybe the year I paid off a $20k student loan. I invested or actively saved about $80k which is awesome, thanks to my really high salary! Last year I saved/invested closer to $100k, but this is pretty good too.

My core expenses still hover around $20k/yr but I spent a lot on lifestyle and keeping myself alive as you'll see below. Not sure how to factor in huge lifestyle expenses in FIRE to either fit within $20k/yr or increase, but we'll see. I've mostly been following A Purple Life but travel is a bigger passion for her than me. And although I'm interested in travel hacking, still haven't made huge strides in it. I'm thinking around $5k would be an okay place to start on a lean budget. Meh, for now, I'm just living pretty cushy with that.

Overview of Expenses:

○ Housing: 10.7K

○ Everyday: 5.3K

○ (subtotal,core: 16K)

○ Giving: 6.9K

Extras (dating, traveling, etc): 20.4K

Listing of Expenses by Category

Travel	$14,931.02
Home	$9,170.62
Gifts & Donations	$6,921.01
Entertainment	$2,882.77
Food & Dining	$2,739.00
Bills & Utilities	$2,320.50
Auto & Transport	$1,841.70
Health & Fitness	$1,498.33
Personal Care	$544.01
Taxes	$516.00
Shopping	$404.71
Fees & Charges	$349.01
Business Services	$259.28
Misc Expenses	$201.67
Education	$15.00
Total	$44,594.63

This is how my budget app aggregated my totals. I did a higher level overview above using a personal spreadsheet that categorizes things in bigger buckets. My everyday expenses go on a debit card that doesn't charge overdraft. So I know if I go over, the card will decline. That has been working for me since professional school. 

As you may have seen in my Seattle expenses post, I spent quite a bit living in Seattle for almost 4 months this year. So that probably skewed my regular food expenses a bit, but that's what happens. It was not the frugalist spend, but that was not my goal. Even still, I found ways to minimize the things I could - like food, really. Airfare was all over the place this year, and I plan to do better next year - one by just taking fewer flights, and 2, I hope to travel hack at least 1 leg of travel. 

Thirdly, I have a better idea of what to expect for housing costs so I can identify deals faster. In my mind, I have a $5k/mon target for each experience but we shall see. For now, I think my target spend is around $20k for vacations this year. Notably, my desire to live full time in Seattle has waned. I already have a pretty pricey trip to Egypt in my brain for my birthday, so we shall see how this all shakes out.

So yes, I tried to spend more this year, and I did not disappoint. 

Home- Cost of mortgage, HOA, tax, insurance, and maintenance. Includes pest control and a one-time cleaning service (that I will  use again!). 

Gifting - I sent over $6k to family overseas. This is something I plan to do this year as well. Notice, I say plan and not hope. I used to be afraid of jinxing "plans," but now I'm learning to accept that plans can change and that's okay. 

Entertainment - mostly another trip to Seattle to see a boy. 

Food and Dining - normal groceries and eating out; I think the app did not separate some vacation eating so it seems a bit high, but I've increased my food budget from $200/mon to $250/mon for next year due to inflation and keeping up with the government allowances. 

Bills and Utilities and Auto - Nothing too out of the ordinary. Even though my car is paid off and I only drive it to get around town for errands, it still costs to fuel and maintain it. I don't plan on going carfree ever. 

Health- almost exclusively for therapy appointments at $40/session. This year when they extended our open enrollment, I upped my FSA to pay for 1 year of weekly sessions in 2023. So this likely won't get tracked since it's pre-paid through payroll. 

Personal Care - hair and makeup.

Shopping - bought some clothes for my trips and dating this year and next. 

Business Services - a few different office chairs; I'm hoping to get around to getting a new desk and couch this year, but furniture shopping is not my favorite thing to do so, we'll see.  I also paid to renew my professional license. 

Education - was for an alumni event I didn't end up attending. 

Fees - brokerage fees. I keep wanting to switch my robo advisor over but I can't quite commit to one broker or one index fund. I'm still in a mix of robo-advised ETFs, target date funds, and index funds. Groan. I'm convinced I'm going to hit a 52-week high in some of these target date funds and make it rain. Ha! 

My overall balance is in my FIRE Tracker, and I'm pretty much where I started at the end of 2021. I'm not too fazed for a couple reasons - I hit my 500k number in the Spring and that felt amazing. I have a background goal of saving just $36k/year to make it to the next $500k. Which as long as I'm employed should be easy to do. And I don't have any real plans of what happens after FIRE since I reached my goal way ahead of schedule! So I'm enjoying the spend part of the journey. I'm happy about that.

So even though I  actively saved/invested about $80k this year to be right where I started at the beginning of the year, I'm not discouraged. I remember this happened near the beginning of my journey and I was so frustrated. But now, it doesn't faze me. I'm not setting anymore extreme goals for really any other part of my life. 

I'm done with looking and/or waiting for the next big thing. 

Wed, Jan 4, 2023, Reflections and more

 I've been writing this post since last year; during my vacation; on the train ride back; and my sick bed for the last 5 days.

There's so much I want to say but so much of it has already been said. 

My life in NC is simple, boring, simple.

Another relative died in their early 60s.

If I died in my early 60s, that won't be so bad.

Sixties is the age where people die, I guess. Some people die in their 90s.

You live, you die. There's nothing to figure out.

Maybe it's simpler that way.

No looking for meaning, purpose, passion.

Sometimes you just live and then you just die.

You don't have to have a retirement plan or annual budget.

You don't have to get your finances right.

You don't have to reach career goals, or weight goals.

You don't have to have relationships - with your kids, a spouse, a partner, a parent. 

You don't need friends form college. 

You don't need college.

There doesn't have to be the best four years of your life.

You don't marry your best friend.

You don't even have to have a best friend.

There are no wedding dances or first kisses.

There's no retirement party. 

You make a wish list and sometimes you get the things on the wishlist. Sometimes you don't. It doesn't matter in the end. It just doesn't. 

Maybe the wishlist is a prayer. Maybe it's accomplishments. Maybe it's tenacity. Maybe it's race. Maybe it's privilege. Maybe it's just a wishlist. 

Who are you wishing to?

The same way I was able to witness my family as an experience separate from me; their brand of Christianity as an experience separate from mine; I can witness life as this thing that happens. More and more I am affirmed it's a conveyor belt.

The secret I found is not trying to convince anyone else of my viewpoints. That's where I was getting stuck. I don't need to share any more secrets. No one's asking.

It's just so weird how connected we all aren't.

It was all a fantasy all along.

Outside of religion and popular media, this idea of connectedness doesn't really exist. If it did, it doesn't anymore. Not in the granular level I was led to believe.

Sure we eat animals that eat grass..that ...whatever the food chain is.

But Billy Joe in Arkansas will never know Bali Jain in Indonesia no matter how many butterflies die.

And it doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter. So it's my divorce party of sorts. (But where was my wedding though?)

But these days, there are no invites to my parties. No one needs to come for it to be a celebration.

I am truly alone. It's not my preference.

It just is.

I float along, daily.

Do I move somewhere else?

I never did get my housing expense down to $500/mon.

Can I really live off $20k/yr? Probably not. I won't be able to travel. Did I ever want to?

Of the choices presented to me of what people in my immediate surroundings do at age 40: raise a family; be married; pursue a passion; divorce; focus on career; or travel. Travel is the least sucky. So I'll probably do that.

I saved a bunch this year. Yay, me!

I spent a bunch too!

I hate being sick. It feels like it's my fault. The misery. But I count down the days. I should be fine in 5 more days. If I didn't have 2 deliverables due, this would be okay.

I wonder what my workload will be like in 2023.

I think I'm going to Egypt.

I got turned down for 7 credit cards, now I really want a travel card for the travel insurance.

Last year I had a burning desire to go to Dubai. Before that it was Spain and Portugal. And a husband and FIRE. And college.

What happens to unfulfilled burning desires? 

It's just so funny, I thought I would just die if I didn't get these things. Maybe I did. Is this hell?

With 40 years of many burning desires, you can only laugh at yourself. 

Even managing my finances seems boring this year.

I don't want a husband anymore.

Life just is.

Feelings just are.

You eat your fried chicken sandwich, rub your belly, and watch the clouds float by. Forget the sun, clouds are cool. 

Jan 1, 2023, Made it Back!

 Just wanted to take a quick break from whatever it was I was just doing. I'm starting to get a headache and I feel unwell.

I think I have to admit that I'm officially sick.

At first I thought it was just a bit of post nasal drip and once I was up and warm again, I'd be fine.

But I woke up Saturday a.m. feeling some post nasal drip and beginning of a sore throat. I thought it was all the black pepper I ate. 

I was cold pretty much all day as I traveled back to NC!

My goal for the trip was to not be alone in NC - accomplished.

And hopefully not get sick - not accomplished.

I hope I don't decline into full blown COVID symptoms.

But I woke up and I still feel icky.

I sweat through 2 sets of pajamas last night. Yes, it was warm, but not that warm.

I started on acetaminophen around 7 or 9p last night and into the morning.

Just took another dose when I started to get the chills again. I think I'll continue every 4 hours until tomorrow at 5p and reassess.

Because I felt mostly fine (and still intending to rest), I thought I'd dodged this season's respiratory illness.

I was wrong!

I had a real phlegmy cost and if I exhale hard I can hear that phlegmy rattle. Gross.

I hate being sick. I think just the idea that it's preventable - had I stayed home, washed my hands more- is annoying.

I think I started to lax because very few people wear masks now so it seemed like the threat was minimal. But I forgot that most everyone is a parent so being sick is a part of their life and very few people are as truly alone as I am. 

I think I was infected somewhere between Thursday and Friday night - the top 2 suspicious events is traveling on Metro on Thursday and maybe using my snot rag without using hand sanitizer; or I received a food package from a person with a kid and ate it right away without sanitizing my hands or the outer package.

Luckily, I had enough energy yesterday to get a couple cans of soup and potatoes. Since I was hopeful, it was just passing sx, I did not spring for the crackers. Now I wish I had.

This morning, I've been toying with a possible trip to Egypt. After many days of trying different variable on departure times and cities, I found a trip for about $2500 that I think I'll book.

Now I was trying to figure out a credit card plan.

I was hopeful that this reprieve would help, but I don't know.  I mostly just want to eat some soup and nap. 

So TTFN.

Sun, Dec 25, 2022, Faith and family

 I have a lot of thoughts but mostly I just want to relax and eat my desserts. Family gatherings as they are aren't for me. I accomplished my goal of not wanting to be alone for December so in that regard I'm glad I came.

The family get together was as expected, but luckily I didn't feel worse. It was weird and awkward but manageable.

My little cousins aren't that great. As much as I want to have a relationship with them, I'm definitely the one doing all the work. Granted I'm 17 years older than them, so they probably see me as an old auntie, so I'm a bit torn.

I almost cried when I asked them to give me a ride and they refused. It really brought me down. Wah, poor me.

I try so hard and for nothing. 

Just all of it is making me reflect on relationships with males, even 22 year old relatives. I'm tired of performing.

Seeing myself through the eyes of Dr. Pat, I do think every little hi needs to turn into a long-term relationship. 

I really want to get my cousins started off on the right financial footing, but it's ultimately not my responsibility. This was my year to stay out of people's pockets. I faltered a lot here and there but definitely not with the guns blazing I came in with earlier years.

Next year, I already am planning to go somewhere warm for the holidays. Not sure if it'll be Hawaii, but it won't be here. 

Eventhough I did want to cry today, luckily it wasn't at church. Now that I see my family and their reliance on prayer and faith to cure all their ails, it's really hard to buy into. I have a lot of thoughts on this that will probably spill over into posts in the coming days, but that's the start for now.

So I could go to church and see it for what it was instead of 'being mad at God.' Some of the things they say, I don't even feel a reaction to. I do want to say something but at least I know it doesn't effect me as it once did. 

I realized there's this pervasive thought with my family's brand of Christianity that you need to struggle and not make money or have secular fun to be considered a good Christian. They focus on the big three of Christians - drinking, sex, and money. 

Now that I see it for what it is, I can see them as different And still live my life. I no longer feel beholden to this narrative.

I remember in my teens/twenties trying to figure out what I was going to pursue. At the time it was a choice between being a teacher and pursuing pharmacy. I remembered thinking God won't like it if I 'chase money' (by being a pharmacist). So I went after teaching. To be fair, I also thought I would be good at it. But so many of my family members chose service positions. 

I don't have a call for family (creating or being an active part of one) or serving or pursuing the great commission. I unfortunately wasn't blessed with the abundance I would have liked either. 

So from my perspective, I'm in this no man's land. And it's one I find myself in over and over and over again.

Anyway, because I don't see faith and destiny as this thing I failed or that failed me, I can go to church and not cry. It's like a cool live theater performance. And something to do. If I can go to board games with Seattle gamers, sure I can go to church or church services with my family members. There aren't any consequences. 

And from a self-centered view, it filled my objective. I didn't want to be alone. 

I'm definitely ready to go home and wish I could leave sooner rather than later.