saturday reflections

 i finished reading one of the journals on ERE forum and it could not have come at a better time!

it was incredibly helpful to have a peek into someone's experience after FIRE.

i learned he struggled with the same things i am internally concerned about...

namely, trying to figure out a structure / patter to life...and stick with it...

but over his first 3 years... no matter how he tried...things ebbed and flowed/ they were seasonally...

i attribute some of my panic on monday to that... i wanted to have a concrete plan.. a structure to how my retirement would go or else... risk failure i guess... but when i think of what failure looks like... i don't have a good idea... maybe falling back into the pit of despair because of the nothingness... i'm not sure... therapy helps in this regard to try to spit out what exactly your brain is accusing you of...

but yeah... it was helpful to read about his daily struggles with everyday things...like budgeting - forcing himself to spend discretionary income...then realizing that didn't work... cycle of intense exercise; trying new hobbies; cadence with family time; figuring out healthcare; taking care of health items; casually browsing jobs...just all the thinking that goes with building out a life when there's not one pressing 8 hours dictating the rest of the time..; i like how seasonal things were...it was like just when you think he's figured it out... interest just wanes or you realize it's not worth the effort or you recognize your own personal limitations...

i took a lot out of it...it was nice not to get the finished polished product... this is the information i was looking for..

it helped me realize my life will be cyclical and seasonal; maybe i'll pick up a part time job... maybe i won't... maybe i'll spend a bunch of time and money on a hobby only to neglect it after awhile...maybe i'll have friendships that come and go...it was just nice to see... oh so nice... and being medicated... i have space to practice some of my therapy... the thing my therapist is always harping...is... you get to choose...

so yeah so maybe monday i felt like doing absolutely nothing at all... i didn't "fail retirement" because of that... who even knows what that means... but boy was i scared of some sort of unnamed bad outcome... 

i'm so happy for the strangers that post their life journeys on the internet...the lurkers like me benefit soooo sooo much! 

so yeah taking stock of my life... i'm mostly happy i stuck it out and didn't un-alive myself. i don't know if the journey was necessarily worth it...but i'm glad i get to experience some of the good stuff now... some of the soft life ...it's nice friends.

it was just really refreshing to see someone not have it all figured out....and walk away into the bliss of more "family time" or lifetime travel...

neither of those are me...i'm just trying to figure out what i enjoy...

i do know i enjoy copious amounts of free time

i love a snow day

i love staying in and doing cozy things...

i love having ENOUGH money... yes, this moment in life brough to you by the absence of abject poverty and the the absence of the fear of abject poverty..

one of the things i know i'll have to figure out...is where vacations fit in when i'm not trying to run away or escape life or work...

i like being pampered and taken care of... so there's that aspect for sure.. 

so yeah...i feel a bit renewed in my journey to early retirement...

i'm looking forward to figuring out the health care marketplace...

i'm embracing not having it all figured it out...

if this random stranger on the internet can struggle and still keep going...i can to... i think what's important to realize is the strong foundation i have to catch myself..

i know i have the guardrails and tools and resources and life-history to catch myself ... it's unlikely i will fall into despair or poverty or obesity or lose all my teeth or live in a hovel... no matter what my brain tells me... 

so yeah i feel the tides turning on my outlook and it's only been a week..

last night i went to a campfire alone just because i wanted smores... 

i did a grown up thing

 i have been reading an ERE journal that has held my attention. mostly for the detail on life and spending.

i find having cleared my FI goal (more or less), i'm not as compelled by money stories (don't get me wrong, i very much still am just to a lesser degree) as the story after. those are harder to find.

anyway, inspired by all his action on navigating the healthcare system and this weird pain i feel in my breast, i decided to schedule my mammogram.

it was surprisingly easy! 

and i made 3 phone calls! only 1 was fruitful, but i still did the thing.

i scheduled a mammogram. if my films don't make it...oh well!

i decided that worrying about the future was not helpful. i want to listen to my body and do the established routine and preventive care.

i don't know why monday just felt like a lot of pressure to do all the things. but once monday was over, surprisingly the pressure has alleviated.

i still have recurring thoughts of trying to negotiate a layoff given my boss's redundancy. so i keep replaying those conversations...they go like..

instead of extending my STD for another 13 weeks (only to be terminated), would you consider laying me off instead with 13 weeks severance, effective apr 2. given the relocation strategy and ongoing restructuring as well elimination of remote roles in our team. 

other thoughts - i could mention for personal family reasons. 

i don't know why i'm giving it so much thought. i will know more come march. 

grr i hate waiting for things to start.

oh well.

i need to wash my body and brush my teeth today...

not feeling it

 i don't know what's going on

today was an off day

i had oatmeal and a bagel

i really wanted....literally anything else...

but i just want to sleep...

i didn't get out of bed until around 1p

angsty

 the day is filled with angst and i don't know why

tomorrow we get our tax forms

is it the angst of doing my taxes

still feeling some sunday dread and i don't know why

angst about what exactly i am going to do all day

found myself wishing i didn't have to do the voluntary things i signed up for...news flash...i don't

was glad about it

still coveting my free time even though i have 20 to 30 years left

there will be some adjustment this year...

fortunately going back to work isn't the answer

glad i have things to look forward to the next 3 months...yay...

not sure what to do with the angst yet...

jan 12

 my birthday is less than 2 months away. 

i went to sleep last night with a lump in my throat and i woke up this morning with it. 

i'm anxious about something but i'm not quite sure what.

one of my last conversations was about a trip over seas. it wasn't really part of my travel plans or budget for this year, but then I thought why not. it's about 6k more than i thought i'd want to spend this year. so i flashed through some thoughts of increasing my yearly spend from 40k to around 50k...yowzers...

but then i thought...do i really want to go? honestly, not really.

would it make a few members of my family happy - WITHOUT A DOUBT.

spending money to make other people happy...is a new concept to me.

so that's where most of the angst lies.

i haven't really hung out much with my neighbor since thanksgiving.

and i'm surprisingly okay...now.

it was rough at first...but i've gotten into the groove of things.

anxious feelings led me to try to file my taxes with the information i have which is nothing...womp, womp.

overall, still happy. really want some chocolate cookies or rice krispie treats with chocolate chips.

not sure what i'm eating this week.

it's weird to not have to worry about waking up tomorrow.

i thought i needed to fill the time...but now i'm wondering if want to volunteer and play bells...etc...

i feel that pull on my time, and i'm starting to resent it...

well as i have to keep reminding myself....this is the transition year...mistakes will be made....