Mon, Dec 12, 2022, No burrito for you

 I had to do actual work today and been given work to do that's due upon return from Xmas break. Yoinks! This is not what I planned to do with my time off.

When I looked at my calendar this morning I realized I could leave tomorrow, but then this project has landed in my lap. Grr.

I'm trying to be on Christmas break.

So luckily I can work on it tomorrow. Then still plan to leave Wednesday.

I have a feeling January is going to be hectic. Groan.

Anyway, I had a side of free guac on my Chipotle app, but after trying to use it, I realized I had to buy a full entree first. When all I was really hungry for was a Kid's Meal. 

So scratch that. Look at me being adaptable!

Am I maturing? Ha!

So tomorrow - finish yet another deliverable.

Wed - run away!

Thurs - Christmas party!

So, no burrito today. 

But I'm feeling good. The sun is out. I re-arranged my office furniture. I applied for 2 more bank bonuses, and I have a plan!

A committee member is dabbling into Fiverr and Upwork for voice acting. They apparently wanted to be an actor at some point but thought this would be a good compromise given their family life. 

It reminded me that I wanted to be an old lady actress at some point. I considered for a second and wondered if this could be my hobby. Meh, I had just kind of decided recently, that I'm okay where I am. I don't plan on pushing for any more rungs on the corporate ladder. As long as my workload stays light and flexible, I am perfectly happy with my job and compensation. 

If my house's pest problem stays under control, I think this is my retirement house.

And for as long as I keep working at this salary or higher, I think I want to keep taking these snowbird/ summer bird vacations. I'm even wondering if there's something I can do for Winter in the future. 

So there's lifestyle, career, and money for you. Oh, and my next financial milestone is to hit $1mill in five years or less. 

But for the lifestyle choices of others, it would be dumb to think those things won't filter in, so I decided just to consider it, think of it as a data point, assess whether it fits into my vision for my life (now that I have a mission statement).

So as for voice-over acting, sounds fun. I'd be up for it if it was lucrative and consistent work. But acting is not easy, even voice acting. Unless there's a compelling reason to start it next year, it's not in my plan for 2023. 

Look at me making rational decisions! No signs, no meanings, just new data points. 

Matching Damage or How to Pick a Partner

 It's pretty common that people enter in relationships with something from their past that they want to revise or recreate.

As I was watching the Netflix special about Harry and Meghan, it was affirmed once again. He wanted someone he could protect but also reminded him of his mother. (But also, he saw a goofy pic of her and as the story always goes, had to meet her; so MERJ...be pretty!!)

So I thought about using this to work backwards and figure out the avatar for the mate that would be looking for me.

The things that are easily deliverable for me:

- Loyalty

- Attention

(*good financial habits)

*If the man is the provider, I'm not sure how many of them go into relationships with financial compatibility in mind, that usually just turns out to be something they find out later.

So focusing on Loyalty:

My husband's avatar is going to be someone who has been cheated on, betrayed by friends or family in some way. Maybe doesn't have too many close friends for a variety of reasons. (So someone new to the area, like someone in Seattle would be good; an introvert maybe; definitely not someone who is the life of the party; so I think a semi-social, introvert techie, without a lot of friends. So I think these meetups are a good place, and I probably am going to have to keep scouring trivia and board game nights for this avatar; I wonder though if by Dr. Pat's standards how that goes for date planning because in this scenario, I would need to be the one planning the fun dates; but maybe he can still plan the dates but I can have an overtly fun social life that he wants to be a part of as he chooses....so he can indirectly benefit from it without me being the one to 'date' him.)

For my strength of Attention:

-  My Husband Avatar is someone whose mom didn't pay a lot of attention to him. Maybe didn't get a lot of attention from women; or at work; or somewhere where he wants attention and there is a deficit; so someone raised by a single, struggling mom but not a mama's boy. So there's some relationship but not a super close one. Someone whose mom was neglected by their partner, if that person's parents are still married somehow.

And maybe has a wayward sibling that they're not particularly close to and don't look up to. Preferably an older brother.

It needs to be someone who doesn't want what their parents had. 

The struggling might be good because this might be time for him to want to be hero/protector to me and want to financially support us. 

The trick might be someone who comes from a broken family might want a family, but I feel like if you live in a city like Seattle, there's still some adventure left in you.

So Sean fits that bill better than Dan. 

So I think my Husband Avatar is more like a Sean. Steve in more so, but I think Steve is more of a feminine energy man and I want to be the feminine energy.

The ideal prototype is:

- Raised by a struggling, single mom, who is either dead or not that close. Has found career and financial success/stability and is looking for someone to invest in financially and emotionally. And protect. Is still building roots in the community. 

Parts of this prototype are what I've been drawn to naturally, but the other parts I got wrong. I used to want someone with established roots in their community who came from a large family. But those people tend to have more options and would take longer to commit. I liked social people because they were easier to get along with, but this little exercise tells me I need to refocus my efforts. I like it, I'm always here for a rule or better guidance. And luckily based on job availability and being a hot city right now, Seattle still seems like a great place to meet my Husband Avatar. 

Sun, Dec 11, 2022, A bit of a delay and I flexed flexibility

 So I was all packed and ready to go when a committee member called to tell me an item she sent with her mom (for me) was able to picked up 100 miles away. Ok, I can get it when I come back, I thought.

But then she told me her son was spiking a fever and that hospitals were being overrun with 'tripledemic' patients so she didn't want to take her kid to the ER for fear of being turned away and also exposed to more sick people.

Yikes! I was flooded with the memory of this is exactly why I didn't go to Maryland for an extended period of time last year. I just worried about being sick and either having to work while sick or regretting I was sick while away from home. 

I was panicked and not sure what to do. It was after midnight. Do I go tomorrow? Do I go at all? 

I knew I was already set on going because it was getting harder and harder to be alone in this house. The only person I was really having regular contact with was the 40 minute session with my counselor on Wednesdays. The days of silence were getting to me this time around. I've had enough of the silence. My cup is full and overflowing of silence and alone time.

I knew I wasn't going to have a 'fun time' in Maryland, but I wouldn't be alone. And actually what I fully realized this morning, is that there would be other people talking. In this case, negative attention/interaction was better than no interaction at all. A month long stay would help with the upcoming winter hibernation. I would have something to run away from. 

In the end, after the phone call, I decided to sleep on it. I had until 9a the next day to cancel my ticket for a full refund. Or until 12n to modify my reservation. 

I thought about just cancelling my ticket that night instead of having to worry about getting up early to do it. But in the end went to sleep just to stop thinking about it.

I woke up by 8a and at that point decided to just cancel the ticket and get some time back to think.

What I did DIFFERENTLY this time was not look at this new information as some destined sign. I saw it as just new data, another data point for my consideration in my decision making. 

The new information was distilled to

- Infection rates are on the rise

- My friend might not be able to go to the Christmas party with me

My counselor says you can only use anxiety to be as prepared as possible, after that it's wasted.

So what can I do to prepare for the rising infection rates? I decided to go ahead and get my flu vaccine. The low-effort clicking I did said the infections were more related to flu and RSV. So I got the flu shot. It won't be effective for 14 days, so there's a bit of placebo effect, and I'd like to think there's some leftover immunity from all things I've been vaccinated with the last year or two. Plus it still doesn't feel like peak flu season.

As for the Christmas party, while that was part of the motivation for extending my trip to a week earlier, it was more of a bonus than an impetus. Yesterday, I was thinking, I'll just head out on Wednesday that way my colleague will know if she/her son is well enough for her to attend the party. But I think even if they can't go, I'll try to head out Wednesday anyway. Reason being how bored I was Saturday and Wed is a better day given my current work schedule. 

So yes, instead of scrapping the trip altogether and trying to find meaning (and then being frustrated because there never is), I actually used a tool I learned in counseling! #babysteps

In the end, I got my item yesterday because I didn't want it weighing on my mind, and I'm still planning to travel. 

This time the cacophony of predictably unsettling extended family beats the deafening silence and additional alone time with my thoughts. 

I ran the Seattle Plans for next year through my brain again. Brain is still trying to get me to go in like March/April. It's telling me it's my last year of being in my 30s that I should just be there and see what happens. I think it's playing the narrative of me telling Sean I was moving back after Q1, and somehow forgetting that this man has told me multiple times he wants nothing to do with me. And has essentially ghosted me. In the Spring of 2023 fantasy, Brain is trying to convince me that if I go, it'll show him I'm true to my word and magically we'll pick things up right where we left off and end up living happily ever after. Right. This time, naturally will be different. This is OF COURSE not a grand gesture; this is different somehow. I'm Not chasing a guy. Right.

But Rational Brain says, when you think about it, you are still actively pursuing dating, by the sheer fact that you're:

- Planning to return

- Open to doing different activities to meet people

- Gonna be clean and pretty when I go out

- I mean the sheer fact that I'm going to be in Seattle for me is active pursuit. 

I'm not sure why it matters if I go in April or May. And I've always maintained, if Sean messages me and asks me if I'm around, I'll say yes, I'll be there in a few days and move my timeline up.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what else I'll be doing in Seattle in March and April and most of May. Also in my fantasy text, it was imagined that we'd be in regular communication and visit and that there was a plan of me returning without him asking me to, not just no-contact for 5 months. So yeah, Mean Brain, stop trying to trick me!

How I Spent $18k in Seattle in 3 months! (Everything I spent in Seattle in 2022)

 So I was obsessing over my budget yesterday. Don't remember the circumstances, but I think I wanted to play out what it would look like financially to live in Seattle for 9 months next year. 

I didn't have the mental expenses committed to memory. I had a number of $3k a month (additional) or $5k/mon inclusive of carrying my NC house. So based on the $3k/mon additional I was curious how I spent almost $20k on just a short 3-4 month stay.

Well when I got down to the nitty gritty, some of my mental math was a bit off. 

	April (1 week escape)	May (part of 5 week stay)	Jun (part of 5 wk stay)	July (<1wk, purely for dating)	Sept (part of 7 wk stay)	Oct (full mon, part of 7 wk stay)	Total
Airfare	767.2	1220.21		975.2	501		$3,463.61
Lodging	851.86	5891.26	0	869.58	3932		$11,544.70
Transportation	21.44	148.92	51.53	27.1	$76	$117	$442.12
Food- Groceries					318	157	$475.00
Food- Restaurants	211.04		749.64	61.49	$142	$256	$1,419.85
Entertainment	56.53	19.03			$159	$148	$382.26
Hair							$0.00
Make Up		31.2	19.2	9.04			$59.44
Clothes		118.44		29.5			$147.94
Supplies		79.15	8.96	3.53	50		$141.64
Other							$0.00
							$0.00
Total	$1,908.07	$7,508.21	$829.33	$1,975.44	$5,178.10	$677.41	$18,076.56

You can see above just how much I spent. It's kind of a lot, but I knew once the mental dust settled I'd try to beat myself up over why I spent so much money escaping/ chasing boys/ chasing a fantasy/ going on a domestic vacation. Let's not remember I was making serious plans to end my life for most of this year. By most of my recent-past history, this was going to be either the last year of my life or the beginning of the end of the last years. There's still 20 days left so give it a time... 

That's a joke. Anything can still happen, but not by my hand. 

The point is, I refuse to beat up Past MERJ for spending $18k on a holiday. Who cares. We're all straddling that fine line of living while also dying. It just becomes more salient when you reach these middle ages. Where you are really straddling the middle. 

The point is, I was curious why my numbers weren't adding up and I just needed to spreadsheet (yes, I'm using spreadsheet as a verb). Still try to make Seattle make sense. Though at this point, we know it's more than just the money. But let's focus on the money for now.

On my basic calculations (sans tithe, student loan), the expenses were last estimated to be:

NC: $1620/mon (~$18k/yr)

Seattle: $4670/mon (~$56k/yr)

Difference: $3050/mon

So I got it in my mind that 4 months in Seattle should have only cost me ~$12k (3k/mon *4 mons). Wrong.

First my calculations should have been the $2500/mon for housing PLUS $1k/mon for allowance (incl. food, shopping, entertainment, everything else). Which would have put me closer to $14k. And that really didn't account for airfare for which I spent a pretty penny. 

And when I actually did the nitty gritty math of just how long I was there, it was closer to 3.5 months. 

So I definitely overspent, but not where I thought. It was lodging. That second trip was wrought with so many things going wrong with Blueground and re-challenging my beliefs on 'signs'. That instead of grappling with it any longer, I just decided to go! I ended up just focusing on what I could get for the budget and just getting the heck out of NC. No regrets. 

I'm glad on reflection, that even with this hybrid of vacation and local-living, that my allowance budget of $1k/mon is reasonable and can be adhered to.

For housing, I'm still hoping to be around $2500/mon, but will up it to $3k if I find a place I really like or that fits into my desired timetable. Actually now that I think about it, this might make the split work even better. I think at some point there must be a peak rental season and I would suspect it would fall within the time period I'm planning to be back in NC (mid Jul to mid to late Aug). 

So this data doesn't make me feel bad. I know what I spent naturally on vacation and when I was trying to imagine a life there (Trip #4). And I know where I can trim (if I want, which of course I do) or just give myself permission to spend, now that I know what it costs.

Without airfare, I spent about $4200/mon. Which I was giving myself the leeway of about $5k/mon, so I'm not that mad about it. And was willing to flex that number depending on how long I want to stay or how lavish I want to live. So even without trying too hard to meet a certain target, my expenses were reasonable for my mental budget. 

The almost $20k expense doesn't even scare me a bit because I have established savings goals and really while I don't know how long I'll live, I can only plan one year at a time. I just have to accept that. I'm straddling living and dying and it's always going to be a balance. 

Anyway, so this exercise did help me try to put some real numbers to my expenses for next year, and I came up with some loose targets.

Airfare: Try to half next year, given I'll only be taking 2 flights, I should aim for $1700 or less. Enter in my credit card strategy for next year! 

Lodging: aim for $2500/mon, but $3k okay if needed (which really I averaged about $3200/mon just that one lower priced one balanced out a higher priced unit)

Allowance: $1k/mon is perfect

This is the fun part. The privilege of gamifying your expenses! 

In the end, I just feel good that my numbers work and I don't have to be uber frugal and I can still hit pretty moderate-aggressive savings goals!

Fri, Dec 9, 2022, Freshly showered and feeling fine

 Out of respect for my fellow travelers on the train tomorrow, I took a shower. While I am fine with my smell, I knew I'd be worried about what odor I was giving off everytime I shifted position. And that would make me sweat and smell more. 

I was kind of annoyed with packing yesterday because my carry-on was half full with just a pair of sweats and a billowy dress. So glad Rational Brain talked me out of trying to travel with just a backpack. Why choose hard when you can choose easy.

So I packed last night and bought my ticket this morning. I was getting a little annoyed with myself with some money leaks ($15 on two dresses I could save if I re-bought them with new discounts) and $15 more on the Amtrak fare for buying it the day before. But for the Amtrak, I remembered this is just what has to happen with travel and me for now. 

So today, I'm feeling great. All packed, showered, ticketed. Today's big world decisions include:

- Take the trash to dump today or tomorrow

- Dinner

- Am I getting Chipotle lunch before my trip tomorrow

   - Speaking of ...should I pretend to download some books on iPad in case I get bored. I have downloaded many a thing for travel and have yet to use them, but we'll do 1 book and 1 audio book just in case. Now where are my headphones?

I had been wanting some Thai food on Wed, so I told myself I could get it on Thursday. But the weather was a bit warmer and I didn't want to eat anything that heavy. But I said it would be my reward for driving all the way out to Old Navy to do the returns. But everything I was looking at was coming up $15+. Am I back in Seattle?

I just couldn't do it.

With the "lost" $15 at Old Navy and the "lost" $15 at Amtrak, I just couldn't spend another $15. I know, I know. This is just how it is sometimes.

Losing money doesn't feel good. Yes, I'll drop $50 on some vegan cookies, but I didn't lose money. I got the thing and that was how much the thing cost.

Anyway. 

My HOA provider went to monthly billing for next year so I had to set them up in BillPay. That was fun. I have a credit for the 1st 3 months next year, so that was a fun reminder. 

I have some other cards I need to change over next year. (This is why I prefer BillPay to using auto-pay with each biller's site.) And I still need to close 2 pre-paid cards. 

And 90 seconds later, I just closed the Target Red Debit Card! Woot! That was quite painless, not sure why I waited so long!

And now Bluebird. I'm on hold.

But yeah, that's the weekend.

Ok Bluebird was closed in 5 mins.

Yay!! Look at me doing things!!

I feel amazing. I want to watch some true crime and eat chips!!

Eventhough I have these tasty vegan cookies, I still want my peanut butter patties from Food Lion. This is life.

Yesterday, I started to feel really bad for how I've been treating God lately. I was probably watching true crime or something and realized I probably had some wayward behavior in my childhood and I'm not intrinsically good. But I was truly blessed to have a family and not a lot of bad actors in my life. 

Obviously from my lamentations on this blog, it hasn't been all rosy. BUT MOSTLY, it was.

I forget that sometimes.

I don't know how I can love Christmas and forget that we're celebrating Jesus. So He has to exist. I'm sorry, God, I give you such a hard time. 

I know I won't be better next year, so I won't say I will. My life is just a Groundhog Day on repeat. So we'll be right back here next year.

Anywhoozle.

I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking about next year, but I can't seem to. 

I need something to obsess over and plan and re-plan and accomplish and achieve. I need a background goal that's achievable and is not passive like Savings.

Savings is definitely a great goal! And I'm glad it's achievable. 

But I think to make next year go as well as possible in terms of my "preference" (therapy words) to be engaged by the end of the year, I need something else to focus on while I practice patient passiveness. 

It's been fun re-reading A Purple Life's archives for the umpteenth time. I always learn something new, even if it's just about her. Or rather different things ping my brain each time I read it. This time, I'm paying more attention to Travel hacking/ award travel. There's some good information there.

I think what I've done right so far is actually have some trips picked out and work from there on getting the rewards.

Yesterday out of curiosity I looked to see how many points it would take to travel to DC from here and it was 9k which I have, but I also remembered I could fly to Seattle on that! So that is not a bargain. Considering the train ride is $77, I'll pay the $77 and keep my miles. 

So I'm excited to earn some miles next year and hope it doesn't make me anxious. I have enough to pay for at least one leg there and since I have some flexibility with dates, I hope I can luck into some web specials and get two legs with just the points I have. 

So default goal: use points for 1 leg

Goal +1: use points for 2 legs

Stretch goal: earn new points for third leg

She and both Root of Good have mentioned it is a bit of mental gymnastics, but I'm not as avid of a traveler as them and at this time I'm not super interested in long-term solo international travel. 

I've actually never really done it. There's always been someone to meet me at the destination. Even with my escorted travel, Gate 1 was there. 

Now that I am getting used to my version of early retirement though, I'm going to have to find new ways to spend my time. Travel is an easy escape. 

Even now, I'm like there's nothing that says because the weather is milder in NC in winter that I actually have to stay here. I remember saying before how my favorite time of year in NC is Oct to April, but now I don't know how true that is.

It's milder compared to a mid-west winter but maybe I was comparing that time period to other time periods in NC not time periods in other places.

I wish I were even remotely interested in a cruise. Root of Good seems to enjoy them and it seems like such an easy escape. You don't have to worry about anything...no thinking is my kind of travel.

But then I remembered..there's probably not good wifi on a cruise, so I can't really use that as an escape if I want to do remote work.

But if travel ends up being something I do...weather, wifi, and access to good food will probably be top of my list.

Today, I am excited about my future.