Settling for Breadcrumbs

Ahhhhhhhhhh! So many things have happened. I just held my first Comment Resolution Meeting. And no one really said anything. I decided just to take the 'everything's ok' approach. I mean I've seen quite a few people stumble.

Normally, I'd be so worried that the sky was falling, but I'm actively choosing not to believe that. 

I was soooooo nervous all week and even during the meeting. I was literally dripping sweat.

I'm so high on life right now just having done that. I have a lot of writing to do by pretty much EOB today. But I guess I technically have until midnight. I don't think I actually have much to do, just reformatting and sourcing some information to copy and paste.

The boy was on my mind for a lot of the early morning and then while I was waiting for the meeting to start but my brain is running on happy so I can't even bring myself down right now.

But basically I sent out an email blast on advice on what to do about him. My Racist Friend didn't respond. How lame. He is the primary reason why I second guess myself. I hate him.

Anyway the advice ranged from he's just wants to be friends to hang in there to initiate the conversation to ask for what you want. 

I'm afraid of asking for what I want because I'm not confident the answer will be yes. And at this time, I'm unfortunately settling for breadcrumbs. He's my last hope. If we end communication, it's unlikely I'll be back on the apps any time soon. I'm not ready to go back to talking to no one. 

But boy did I have some daring imaginary text messages. I basically want to dare him to come to NC and take me out. Old Me would have done it without thinking. But Desperate Me is not ready for the rejection. 

Part of me wants to play it cool until Valentine's Day. I wonder if he'll bring it up. So far, I think the safest thing is to play it like we're friendly co-workers.

He doesn't really answer my below-the-surface questions. 

It's like the more I feel rejected by him, the more I like him. Why are humans so stupid. That literally is a stupid response.

This is why my dare to date me feels like a Dumb MERJ Response. The one where when I guy pulls away you overcompensate.

Anyway, unless something bad happens, I still have a job.

And .... burying the lede... I got approved for a company phone!!!

I'm so happy about that!!! You have no idea. I didn't realize how deprived I felt without a phone. I still don't have anyone to call, but it will surely make my life easier!

The most immediate benefit is being able to file my taxes. You need a phone to access Credit Karma Tax, so now I should have one. I think I'm going to do them in March because I'm waiting to see if Student Loan Forbearance gets extended or not. I need to apply for Income Based Repayment before then. I guess I should probably get on that.  

February

 I cleaned up a lot yesterday and finally put the furniture together. It's pretty hard and one of the cushions didn't really re-inflate.

I find some comfort in knowing that this is my final destination.

I have my driver license appointment on Friday. Goal #1 is just to keep my old name and update my address. I have had to convince myself that if they don't let me do that easily, I'll just accept it. I'll move on with transitioning to my new name.

Living in this house just has a finality and resignation to it.

I moved the futon to the office upstairs and now the whole room just feels cluttered. I had a nice spot for it against the side wall but all the car-sitting has made me want to sit in the sun. So right now I pushed he desk closer to the back wall and the futon is sitting in front of the window. So basically the desk and futon are taking up the middle of the floor and there's little room for much else.

One of my former roommates kept the empty boxes of different appliances or items she bought so she'd have them when she moved. It seemed like a good idea when we lived in the apartment and it did come in handy for my dishes, Cuisinart grill, and TV. But now, it's kind of making the place look junky.

I never really unpacked when I moved in because I mostly just had clothes that I won't need to wear. Ever. And a surprising amount of office related supplies. 

I have all my old journals that I never am quite sure what to do with.

I kinda feel like I'm just living in a storage unit. I think I'm going to start with getting rid of all these boxes. 

I had a bit of a freakout on Friday because the Boy did finally text me back but didn't ask for another call (i.e. a "date"). I emailed just about everyone I thought would answer. I mildly regret that because it didn't really help.

Now I'm just angry that my Racist Friend chooses not to respond. I hate him. I think part of me is trying to pay him back for using me all those years for dating advice and emotional support. This morning I wanted to email him back some nasty messages for not responding.  That was at 5a. Then I remembered one of my old notes was not to send feelings emails on Sundays.

Voila. This girl has not changed! 

My so-called brother also kind of dipped out of the conversation we were having about it. So freaking annoying.

So yes, in my feelings this morning I decided to take a breather from people for February. I need to focus on work anyway. That means my Maryland Aunty, my Shenanigan Colleague and yes, even the boy. 

One text a day just isn't enough.

Is he my cousin? distant relative? A work colleague? A boy I like? A boy that likes me?

Is he trying to date me? Or just texts me when he's bored?

I'm going to keep responding because Mean Brain won't let me stop. I'd originally decided to just treat him as a Penpal and respond during work hours. 

Do I trust my instincts? Do I trust the internet? Do I trust general dating rules? Do I trust his actions or his words?

It shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't be this tenuous - like one wrong thing and you've lost the person forever.

But really what have I lost?

Is this some divine plan in the exercise of temperance?

If there is no "One," then what exactly am I afraid of losing.

So I think I just need to washout and reset this month. 

Februrary will be a month of work and self care. No humans!

Where do I even begin?

 Work is overwhelming. I wish I had someone to call. I'm trying not to cry. I wish I knew my job better. I've been spending more money, but mostly on food. Actually, only on food. I've been eating out ever since the Incident of 2022. I refuse to name names.

More importantly, I've been eating in my car. I've been overeating a little since I just will eat the one meal and hope I don't get hungry again before bed. So far seems to be working okay.

Lowe's officially cancelled my order or something. So still no washer or dryer while I wait for a new credit card. Womp, womp. 

The dumb boy called. At first I wanted to believe it was Love. For a fleeting moment, I thought it all made sense. Obviously, Lowe's cancelled my order so I wouldn't rush to delete this number and thus not be tempted to call him or contact him. (Lowe's uses the same number I gave to the boy.) I wasn't even going to blog about it because I wanted to erase him from my memory. So I waited a day and responded, hopeful he'd ask me out. Surely, the Fates were in my favor! I did try to feed a homeless man and donated to a dead father's children's college fund. Surely, I would be favored right here on earth. Nope, as Logical Brain recently acknowledged - we all know the rules. We live in the same society, and we all know the rules. He's not shy or inexperienced. He's not so genuine that his intentions are pure. He's playing me. He's lonely and bored and likes the attention. So do I. 

I broke my own rule (based on good mental outcomes) and texted in the middle of the night. So now I am and am going to be annoyed all day because he's not texting me back. I KNOW with hard evidence he tends to text between 11p and 12midnight my time. So that's the whole day gone to Feelings.

I just want things to happen so much even when they're contrary to fact. I have so many distant relatives, I don't know why I can't just treat him like that because that's essentially what he is. Is it time to move him to the Tuesday rotation? See how this weekend goes? 

I think I need like a final act to push him over the edge to we're definitely just online penpals that will never meet and have no future. After 40 years, this is all I know so I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that these dudes are not into me. At All.

I never heard back about that Sr Manager role. I got really excited about that. Can you imagine getting another six-figure job!!! 

I'm still camping out upstairs.

I have to volunteer this weekend. And honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I have work on the brain. 

I'm about ready to be done with this project.

Yesterday I had to schedule/ re-schedule 3 doctor's appointments. All because of work. I decided to go ahead with the biopsy because the doctor's office has now called me 3 times and sent a certified letter. They said I could bring someone with me. Ha.  

I put in a request for a work phone, so we'll see how that goes. There's a 0% chance it's going to get approved but with all these time zones and increasing workload, I think I'll achieve greater work-life balance. At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. 

 

Wednesday, What Dreams May Come

 Work is heating up. I really don't understand a lot of my job, but I'm getting there. I have an HR screen for a potential 2nd job. I hope it goes well. I prepped and reviewed my resume and job description.

I told someone about it so that may not work in my favor. Honestly, if I were looking at my resume I'd be impressed.

Still feeling a little lost without any real goals for this year (2022). I think I had some loose personal and/or mental health goals. But that's more for show than anything. Mental health is all the rage.

I'm proud of myself for going to get a physical, but my big plans of setting up therapy and physical therapy just have been pushed to the wayside.

I like goals with measurable objectives and metrics. Feelings and even lack of pain feelings just don't give the same pizazz.

Am I happier today than I was yesterday? Do I feel less rejected today than I did Friday? Hrmph.

Money goals were easier however daunting they were when I first started.

I spent a lot eating out these last few days. Like a human, I've actually gotten used to just staying upstairs. Now it's another mental hurdle to feel comfortable being downstairs again. Meh, or I could just stay camped-up up here.

Who knows.

Trying to kill time before my interview.

Think I'll splurge on some cut fresh fruit today for lunch. My body could use a boost of nutrition after my 7-day fried feast. 

I can't believe it's only Day 3 of the week. So many money moves and contact from people, it feels like a lifetime of things. I have to run a big meeting next week and I have no idea how it's going to go. Oh, Lord, please help me!

I think we're tabling the Husband Hunt indefinitely. Honestly, I'm surprised the Feelings lasted this long. I thought it was just seasonal because of the holidays and light workload. But yeah, onwards.

I got a $100 sign up bonus yesterday for an account I opened a few months ago. I used part of it to fund a 529 for a family friend's kids that lost their dad recently. 

Getting closer to getting a phone. I think I'll need one to do my taxes this year because the app requires 2-factor authentication. And then after that, I think I'll be able to sign up for Mint Mobile. 

Maybe I can get a phone for my own needs. It doesn't actually have to mean I give the number out. I can still have old fam and friends email me. I'm not signing for 2 more decades of being anyone else's low priority.

Yeah, I think that's how I have to look at it. The modern world is forcing me to have a real cell phone. I'll just get the cheapest one to meet my needs. 

Once I get the phone, I'm definitely going to change my GV number once more and likely get a new one just in case.  I'd like to think I was emotionally resilient enough to keep the old one, but that would not be consistent with reality.

Luckily the weather is nice outside. I hope it stays. I don't remember much what February weather is like. Probably a few more cold days will sneak in there. 

No Magic Candy Romance For You! (And the Washer, Dryer Saga)

 So yes, day 4 of ghosting. I'd love to say it hurts a little bit less and maybe it does. It has its moments.

I spent the better part of the morning making money moves. Remember how I thought oh, my washer and dryer was delayed because I needed to not feel tempted to change my number because magically the Boy was going to contact me on the third day. NOPE! BIG FAT NOPE.

As it turns out who did contact me was Lowe's and the Credit Card company. Because I locked my card after the purchase I guess when Lowe's went to set up the delivery the card was declined. I'm not sure how that works but probably wait for the charges to go through first instead of pending before locking the card.

I knew that, but oh well. I bought furniture on Wayfair and the appliances on Lowe's within a few minutes of each other. The Wayfair stuff came but Lowe's took its sweet time to finalize the charge.

Anyway, it would be simple just to unlock the card and have them re-run it...butttttttt home girl was like let me try again to get another credit card sign up bonus. So I did one for Wells Fargo. It's not the usual return I would get but I wanted to figure it out in a hurry so I just went with that one. So for a $1k spend, I get $200 back. (I prefer the $500 spend for $200 back, but here we are.)

The outstanding Lowe's balance is $800, and I was approved for the new CC. But it wasn't one of those where they tell you the credit card number right away so I have to wait a week for the card. Womp, womp. 

Obviously that would be way too easy.

I was going to close one of these High Yield accounts with too many hoops today since the interest rate has plummeted from 3% to 1% and you still have to jump through the hoops. But at the last minute I decided to keep it since, for now, I'm still planning to Hoard Cash for FIRE.

This year is only a month in and it's already all over the place. I can't wait to reach some sort of steady state whatever that may look like. I looked at my proposed budget for 2022 and it was almost laughable. 

I think for the most part I'm still going to keep my target spending, but it's more how the savings will land that will be different. For the two paychecks in January, I did 50% to 401k, $1250/pp to my Hub account, and the rest to Hoard Cash for FIRE.