I don't feel fearless but i still feel happy

 it's been a stressful couple of weeks. and then family was in town. didn't really enjoy that. but i'm happy to say i survived it.

there were small spikes in anxiety and general lack of enjoyment, but there was no surprise.

i am not sold on the family time part of life...and guess what...that's okay.

i don't need to be.

i can stay in my life the way i want to live it even if no one else agrees or understands.

that my friends is what it's taking me 40 years to learn.

i also realized i don't enjoy waking up for work.

i just don't.

i'm 86% confident i will retire and not miss it.

i'm 86% confident i'm going to leave work in a year.

when i try to care about work, i find i just don't.

i'm only hanging on for a couple fat payouts early next year. 

Unbelievable feelings of glee!

 Things are really going my way right now, and I love it! I remember watching one of the YouTubers exclaim how much she loved her life and wished one day I would be able to say that. 

Friends, that day is now. It's been that day for a few days now. I was happy yesterday AND today and days before. Wow!

Is this what life is like for people. Is this what it's like to be one of the happy people.

Even little things make me happy - like the new Capital One card. It literally fits into my upcoming travel plans so well, i'm squealing with glee.

Operation: Bonus Nachos is 1 week underway. It's a lot of work but so far going really well. I just have to accept there will be some initial overtime involved but I am confident I will find a groove and find a more manageable schedule. 

Gotta get some of the initial cobwebs out of the way. 

I've slept all week without coughing. Miracles of miracles!!

It's just so funny how when you're busy and a little stressed, priorities that need to just rise to the surface.

I'm thinking if this is my last year, it's a good last year. I'll be busy and so coming down off that will be amazing. It'll be a fun slide. 

And also as another safety lever, it'll be good to leave Call center #4 on a good note. Just in case.

It's so amazing to see Purple's numbers sky rocket without working. I mean I'm still working 4 years after she stopped and I'm barely keeping up with her. Amaze-balls! But that just adds to my confidence cache. And also just having the company of someone else on the journey. 

Feeling FIne

 Um, I don't know what's going on with the stock market, but I'm happy. My numbers have shot up to the point I'm almost afraid something bad is going to happen. But I'm sticking with my goal of planning for the best. Oh well.

It's been a hectic week but has worked out in a twilight zone kind of way. It's nice having bonus nachos because of the confidence it instills. It's working wonders on my anxiety. I don't have to worry as much when something goes wrong or if the sea witches rears their ugly head.

There's a bit of a snafoo with taking time off with Aussie trip, but I'm still going. There is a part of me that's tempted to move it to mid october or something just so I can get further along in the year, but we shall see. 

Other than that, I've been sleeping well all week so far, with no coughing. 

I think it's coming into focus that I really could FI and RE next year. And with that, I want to focus on enjoying more things... well I'm already doing that, but it's more of a priority I guess?

So maybe I'll do the yoga retreat. Maybe I'll go see a comedy show. 

We shall see....

saturday, july 6

 so trying to relax and meditate.

what's on my mind currently:

- paying off my car in the next 2 months (achievable)

- um, starting Thing 2

- do i want to go to belize...

- what is future at job - trying to remember when you're in the midst of the struggle, it's hard to see/think clearly...but my mind keeps trying to solve for it and imagine various scenarios...when it would help just to step back and figure out how to live in the present

- decided to just go to belize next year...but then i start thinking about next year...and we're back where i started...

- so yeah...

Enjoying this season of life

 I think that's pretty much it. 

I'm learning and finally getting the idea that this is my life, and it's good. There will typically be a new bop-it where the last bop-it was.

But I don't have to covet my free time so much. Things ebb and flow in my life. I don't have to covet my free time for fear I'll never get it again.

School is over, and pretty soon work will be over.

So filling my days with things that need to be done or that I enjoy is a reasonable way to live. I don't have to hoard it and or look forward to days of nothing.

There will always be days of nothing. And if there's not, I can make them!

I think just uncoupling myself from this lack of control on my life. I can cancel appointments. I can call in sick. Cool things will continue to happen.

Leave room for fun, MERJ! 

p.s. - i love my life!