Feb 9, 2020: I’m having trouble believing your lies, I mean words

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretirementjourney.com on Feb 9, 2020. 

So the thing happened. I don’t want to write it because I’ll start crying. There goes my one 2020 goal of: not crying.

The thing happened, and it means a family gathering.
Everything is annoying.

Closer to family

New cousins I just met in Florida are vocalizing that I should move to Florida. I know from experience that these types of statements are incongruous with reality. To me it’s like another version of “see you later.”

Same with an aunt in Maryland. I want you to be closer to me, she says.

The reason this bugs me is because I know it’s not true and I wish they would stop saying it. It’s another opportunity when I don’t get to speak up for myself when something is clearly annoying because in keeping the peace, we are supposed to not sweat the small stuff and let things go.

The reason I even consider it is that I’m stuck on this perpetual crossroads of what to do next, so when people pipe up with their you should move here, I can’t help but consider it.

But in reality, here’s what I really think.

Sure I’ll move to X place, if all the following conditions are met (by the requestor):

1) You apply, pay for, study, and pass the law exam for that state so I can be licensed to practice. Although I don’t use my license now, I sleep better at night, knowing I could rely on it for a job if needed.

2) You find and pay for some continuing education credits, 15 a year, or whatever the requirements are to maintain reciprocity for your state.

3) Find me a brand new apartment for $650 (max $800/mon) all-in housing costs.

4) Come, pack, clean my apartment, and haul my stuff to your state.

5) Clean the new apartment; unload, and sort my apartment and new utilities. Find my local grocery store.

6) Arrange for my car to arrive at my new destination.

7) Oh yeah find me a comparable job, with similar or less workload for similar or more pay.

If all those conditions are met, then sure! I’ll move to be closer to you.

Ultimately, my thought process starts there, and ends with if this was the right move for me, would it really be a dilemma. Would I have to “work through” it. Would I have to convince myself, and I believe the answer is No.

I’m easily seduced by ALL the bloggers’ need to be closer to family and family values…blah, blah, blah… so it makes me think this is the thing I should want. But luckily, it’s so difficult to actually implement on my part that its realization is unlikely.

Life update – regrets

Some regrets from this week – I gave my brother my SSN to update his beneficiary designation. He is notoriously irresponsible with money. NOTORIOUSLY. He has borrowed $500 from me when I was still in my late teens and thought he didn’t need to pay it back because he lost his job. He borrowed my car, left a can of soda in it and it exploded and thought he didn’t need to be responsible for cleaning it up because it was an accident. He also lost the key to this car and has never funded its replacement. He has listed me down as a contact person for some financial trouble he got in and I got a few calls when they were looking for him.

He had asked for my information before, and I had not provided it. But in a moment of weakness, because I was updating my beneficiary information (after some recent life events), I just gave it to him.

Then I remembered- the anxiety I feel now is not worth any amount of money he would leave me, namely because he will probably outlive me, and he will likely have no money to leave me as I mentioned he is NOTORIOUSLY irresponsible with money. This was my original rationale, but I guess I was feeling reckless.

I so regret this. So, so, so regret this. Has anyone ever been involved in someone else’s negative financial outcomes and had to pay the price?

My most salient fear is that he will fraudulently use my SSN to open a line of credit that I will then be responsible for. And my financial life was finally going so well. The only thing that takes 1% of the fear away is that I get alerts when things hit my credit report, but even those have been up to 120 days late. And at the point where he’s already done the thing, what recourse do I have?

A liar is born
I think I’m going to have to lie to my family. I mentioned the thing happened. And family are on a call this afternoon to make plans. I didn’t know the conference call was happening until a few minutes ago, but even If I had more notice, I still don’t want to be a part of it. Mob mentality. Talking over me. It’s better if I’m not there, but if I’m asked, I’m giving myself full permission to just lie. (Hypocrite, much?)

Life update – working from home (WFH) and peri-retirement

I’m working from home tomorrow. In a moment of extreme emotion at 2a, I just didn’t want to go back to the office and sit next to that coworker. So I got online and ordered internet.

I rationalized that the $20/mon more I thought it was going to cost to have secured home internet (to WFH) vs commuting was worth it. As luck would have it, I was able to get internet for about $20/mon vs the $65/mon I thought it was going to be, so if it works out, it’ll actually be cheaper to WFH than commute ($44/mon in gas).

Undeclaredly, I’ve sort of sauntered into this peri-early-retirement. I don’t even want to call it early anymore because it’s this thing that’s coming; and it was always the age where you had enough money to not work anymore. And peri-early seems redundant. So to revise, I’ve wandered into this peri-retirement, where I’ve purposed my (discretionary for now) funds to make my life easier and convenient. That’s always kind of been my MO at least for some things (like feeding myself), but I feel myself leaning into this MO more as of late and in different aspects of my life.