i want some blueberry waffles

 i'm scared, i'm fearful, i'm excited.

i still love my life right now. 

i might get some chipotle later. 

i made a pork and rice dish but i ate it twice yesterday and now i'm craving some guacomole.

i get to be happy, y'all.

i'm smart and pretty and rich. 

i am those things.

i am also fearful.

unstructured free time has been my nemesis in my recent past.

but before that, i'm pretty sure i loved it.

or maybe the idea of it.

as a kid, it was to be feared and coveted before it was taken away from you.

i find myself often paralyzed with what to do to make the most of it.

lay around and smiling

binge-watching

getting stuff done around the house

attending to chores or tasks

tackling made-up to-do lists

going adventuring

staying put

i have no reliable blue print on what to do with my future time

i applied for a summer job at a camp

i have already romanticized it in this way - it'll be a good mix and break up of my unstructured free time. if i retire in april, i will have about 3 months before it starts, and then 3 months after it...

but then does that put the time constraints on my free time...something i think i want to escape...

this is undoubtedly a good problem to have

but certainly tricky to navigate

what do i with my time with no parent or teacher or employer keeping score; no high marks; no demerits; no congratulations; no time cards; no performance reviews...

how will i know if i'm doing it right?!!

how do you unlearn 40 years of structure and performance metrics?!

maybe you don't?

maybe i don't need to

how do i feel free

i can tell you even with 2 light days at work, the soft lump in my throat remains

my sunday...was a smattering of light gray and i eventually pinned it to returning to work...

which leads me ... lost my train of thought...

oh... this leads me to believe that retiring earlier is better than trying to extend STD leave, even though it's 'money left on the table'...it's also sanity attached to that....and i choose me...

i did that yesterday when i stopped grumbling about it being too cold to get fast food and made myself a pork and rice bowl...that required quite a bit of chopping...

i kind of want to make some meatloaf...that might be next...the weather certainly calls for it..

perhaps this heightened anxiety is related to work...

perhaps i'll have these anxiety nets in place...ie, the summer job, or the Montana trip...

i'm reminded that when i had the call center job i booked a trip to phoenix as an escape to look forward to...but once i no longer that the job, i did not feel a need to escape...

so we shall see...how i feel when i'm finally free from full time work...will the camp job still make sense...will a $6k trip to Montana still make sense...

so for now, i'm refraining from making big or costly plans until after i know how it feels to be free...

again, this was therapeutic because i have the clarity i need...it's imperative i leave my current widget job...sooner rather than later...while free disability payments will be fun...i'm nearing the place in my own life where my decisions don't have to be financially motivated anymore...

which one makes me happier??

i need to find a better word for happy...but maybe that'll be my theme for this year...#softgirl life

and it's entirely possible that i may need some summer camp jobs for the first few years...to transition out of full time work to full time retirement...i'll move with the algorithm...

free housing hasn't stopped being appealing...

2024 State of the Union

Financial Summary

Gross salary:  ~230k

Net pay: ~105k

401k contributions: 38.5k

Overall spend: $80k

Notes:

Obviously, this is the most I've ever grossed in my life in a year. This was attributed to having 2 jobs for half the year. It's also the first year I got a bonus payout and an LTI. In most of my 'i want to quit my job' musings, my target goal was consistently to get to the next bonus payout and then try to hold on until my LTI. 

It's still wild that my net pay is still about half of my gross pay even if I include 401k contributions. Geez!

It's amazing to make so much money. Eventhough, mathematically, it's enough. Emotionally, it still doesn't feel like enough to upgrade my lifestyle in a meaningful way. But it is enough/more than enough to buy financial independence and financial stability, financial security, and freedom. Now I don't have to wonder what I'll do with a million dollars, I get to live it! 

It's weird. Surprisingly weird. 

I'm taking 2025 to savor it. Figure out my routine - financially and otherwise. Sit with it before I make any big plans. I hope this high lasts all of eternity!

Mental Health Summary

I am so glad I was able to transfer my data from the Daylio mood app to my new device. It was cool to look at the data from 2022 when I started tracking to now.

I was pretty inconsistent with tracking activities unless something was particularly bothersome.

What was coolest to have data on was my moods. 

In 2022 after I started to make plan to end my life, my average mood was around 3.0. I had 0 Rad days and the issue I was tracking most was "I did not cry today." I only tracked starting in July, so for the second half of the year, I inputted 65 green days, 67 blue days, 27 orange, and 17 red days (at the time it was crying/suicidal ideation). 

Comparatively, in 2024, I have been on Lexapro for over a year. Halfway through the year, I upped my dose from 10 mg to 15mg because I felt myself wanting to cry and work was making me super anxious. I had one fleeting thought of wanting to find myself ripping the hole in my window screen to make it bigger so I could find myself tumbling out. 

For 2024, my numbers were 95/100 for mood stability (higher is better). I had 82 days in a row of good days. I registered 7 Rad days, 335 good/green days, 25 blue days, 5 orange days, and 13 red days (mostly crying/teary. My top activities were walking/exercise and sleeping through the night. My respiratory tracking also decreased compared to 2023 (when I was having lots of respiratory problems in my new town). My average daily mood was 3.9. It only shows a 30% change in average mood numerically, but it is a world of difference. The better number to track is the number of Good Days! That pretty much tripled. 

Overall, my challenges that my brain focuses are much more manageable. The things plaquing me right now include:

- Yellowstone is turning out to be pricier than I expected. Is it worth it? 

- is this lawyer scamming me?

I feel mostly good about my life. I get so excited thinking about my fat nest egg. I still get to be happy.

I fill my calendar with social events. I have a good friend. I'm still trying to figure out the role of credit cards in my life. Do I want to try Prozac?

A friend asked me - what if you outlive your brother? In all my estate planning, there was no scenario where I would live long at all. 

Happiness blooms!

 I am happy. Unbelievably, effortlessly happy. I don't feel zoloft happy, but i'm happy. I'm satisfied.

The world isn't in technicolor quite yet, but I'm in it. 

I hemmed and hawed over seeing my family over the holiday but i bought the ticket and reached out to people. I might regret it once i'm there but i still  have $1500 in my travel fund for the last 10 days of the year so i think i'll be okay if it gets that bad. 

I just want to capture that feeling someday when I felt like 100 year was not enough. I don't remember what it was like but I just knew I wanted to explore and feel and experience everything the world had to offer. 

I get glimpses of that, but then my memory recalls experiences to protect me from falling down again.

Anyway, I reached full FIRE in assets, friends. I did it. I'm financially free!

I can't believe i never have to work again...ever

 I just can't believe i never have to work again...ever. 

It's Sunday and my body wants to feel scared and sad about tomorrow - but there's no reason. Nothing is happening tomorrow to feel scared and sad about.

So now it moves down to lower priority things- relationships with other people and vacations. 

Can you relearn how to be happy and just be. 

My body is so conditioned to distress that it's trying to magnify my peace into a problem. This is going to be interesting folks. 

I finally reached total financial freedom and my body is inclined to reject it. 

Where is the bootcamp for this.

How to be alone? How to be happy? How to reclaim solo-living!

I am giving myself all the grace and guardrails and the room to make some fumbles. There are going to be some old habits that just don't make sense.

Right now things that I need to reframe

- vacations - they have typically been used as an escape... get away from work, unplug... but if that's my everyday... does it still make sense? it's gotta add some value... 

- friends - i have more time to think about them now...luckily with my new address and identity.... it's not worth the risk to dig too far into the past... i wonder if the cure for this is to stay busy with other mindless things that aren't work... that might be something i need for the transition...in fact i came online to register for some free cycling classes...; minor things are being ruminated on when i don't want them in my life at all...what do you with people that you don't like 100% of the time..; i think my default is to let them choose how they want to be involved in my life; and i get to accept or reject it; no nagging as the 'getting to i do' book says. it's for romantic relationships...but we can try it out..

in terms of social events... my default is the path of least resistance - free food, structured activities... i tend to not enjoy roaming activities; i like sitting...unless it's a nice day and i just want to be outside...

i'm toying with letting out some frustrations with people in my life...

basically my current friend group has sort of disbanded... and there have been some unkind remarks... 

"you're an adult, you can figure it out"... that's just rude...

some cold greetings.. 

i guess this is just data...

what really changes for me? 

Dec 2...in other news

 In other news outside my weird fever dreams...

I'm anxious about going back to work after my leave. I'm just 'afraid' of having any conversation whatsoever with my boss. I don't want to be asked to do anything. I don't want to be asked about my leave. And I don't want to accidentally reveal that i've checked out.

so i'm nervous every minute they're going to put a meeting on my calendar and i'll have to engage. 

last week was fine because there were no meeting on my calendar. in fact all the meeting that were there were cancelled. so i felt reasonably certain it would be an uneventful week. and it was.

but i'm nervous that my boss hasn't thought to meet with me since i've gotten back.

i wonder if they're plotting against me?

i don't know. 

i wish my FMLA would be approved already. I'm trying not to have anxious thoughts about it until next monday; that will be 5 business days since the last fax. after that, then i'm going to upload the med cert directly on their website. 

there are some money moves i need to make on my money date with myself on dec 15...but part of me just wants to do it now...but i bet it's just me trying to manage anxiety about work stuff.

early retirement has been a bit of a ride...i've been mentally checked out but i think the anxious work residue still hangs around... i don't know what it's going to be like when i'm officially and unofficially out of here..