Mon, Dec 5, 2022, Low Mood Day 2

 I thought it was Day 3, but my mood tracker says I was feeling good on Saturday, so who knows. I don't know if it's the cold starts to the morning or the cloudy day or what.

Haven't been feeling particularly upbeat.

I thought I'd cracked my sleep routine by going to sleep later, but the last couple nights, I've just been awake for 3 hours in bed.

I've always just thought it was because I don't do anything all day. But I slept really well for a week or so in November. But maybe that was my body catching up on sleep from my vacation.

Either way, I decided to go to Maryland this weekend. Last night I thought about going to Seattle for a month but my heart just wasn't in it. If I'm this down in this grey cloudy weather that's going to be in the 50s, being in Seattle isn't going to help boost my mood. 

I need to do some laundry. I was going to try to stuff my clothes for the trip in this small backpack because I didn't want to go in the scary closet before and after the trip, but I decided to just suck it up. I'm still not planning on going in the bins to get out new clothes. That's just too much effort. And thinking. 

Considering I'll be on a train and taking metro, it'll just be easier to have a suitcase that closes and I can stuff everything in versus the backpack and a tote bag. 

I don't think I'll have the best time in Maryland because I haven't been around anyone for 3 weeks straight in a loooong time, but we'll see how it goes. 

It will be fun to go to a work party. 

In the wee hours of the morning I realized that 'prayer' I prayed about going to Seattle was just me probably deciding I didn't want to go. None of my 'prayers' really came true and all the 'signs' have been false (I'm looking at you Duke, and Dan and teaching and Stanford). So I really got to adapt to this mindset of looking at the evidence, likelihood, and what I actually want. And just be okay with making logical conclusions instead of falling back on the whimsical.

But when you've been force fed hope and destiny all your life, it's a tough cycle to break. 

In this moment I am glad I came back because if this cold grey start to the day is bringing me down, imagine if I'd been in Seattle with cold dark rain. Thanks, Past Me, prayer or not, you did the best for our emotional well being. It just sucks that it doesn't line up with the man hunt. 

Sun, Dec 4, 2022, Faith doesn't cure depression

 It's the end of the year, so naturally a time of reflection. I had some life and money thoughts circling and found myself clicking through some old notes. Just looking for something, anything...a way out, a plan, a promise. 

But it turns out as I reread old blog posts or old paper journal entries or electronic entries of reflections, none of my thoughts are new. I don't know exactly when they started, sometimes I think as far back as age 7, sometimes age 17, but now I have documentation I've felt this way for at least 10 years.

Notes from and old journal

Have I been depressed this whole time. I read some of Frugalwoods post about how she's been depressed for either 10 or 20 years and that was expressed in her clothing choices. But was only formally diagnosed after she was married and on her second kid. Weird right. 

What I think is weird for me is until recently, this felt like the first time I had such strong thoughts. I think the 2 years of crying was my low. It turns out my posts on here having been the first time I've thought or planned to end my life. Surprise! I thought it was all a recent development. Even my thoughts on God and fate and destiny and life plans. Nope, these are all recurring thoughts and ruminations. I've basically been stuck in Groundhog Day hell. Every single year I just relive over and over and over for the last 10 years...maybe even 30.

I used to think it was circumstantial because I could point to specific events that made me feel bad - as a 7 year old, when I turned 17 and college didn't work out; teaching didn't work out; pharmacy school at 27, or rejection from a casual hookup at 38. 

I think it feels more salient recently because...well it's happening as I document it and I also have never had this much free time. 

Well I can tell you for the first time in maybe a decade, I am planning on living. Not just the default of not dying. But I actually am planning to live. (Which, to be sure, is not the same thing as wanting to live.)

But in these decade old notes which I'm pretty sure are the same thoughts I had at age 17, I still wonder about life and destiny and signs and giving up on looking for romantic love. I think the difference is what was once an educated guess has 10-20 years of evidence. 

I don't know yet what to do with this information. I have no declarative statements in this moment. I have no grand plans or major life shifts. I am still planning 'My Perfect Year' but even that has lost its lustre a bit. Now that I know it's not the first time I've tried to do this. What's different is I'm not planning for bad outcomes. I'm trying to live next year without fear of being jinxed. 

What's funny in my posts from 10 years ago, I was focusing on my planning out The Next 30, but now I only have 20 of those 30 years left! Wow, did ten years of my life just pass me by?

20Dec2022 Update - Recently found a journal entry from 2010 that said, 'I want to die.' Notably the logged entries in this same document from 2009 were hopeful and light and appropriate for a young woman in her 20s. 

November 2022 Financial Check-In

 Hey, friends! Remember these. Yeah, no images today.

If you read my post from earlier today, you know I went ahead and changed my 401k contributions to 50% for December 2022. And plan to keep it that way until March of 2023. My company doesn't let our deposits arrive to the brokerage for like a week so I wasn't sure how that would work with the actual calendar year limits, but I don't think when it gets to Broker should matter. It's just a little bit of an error in tracking because the broker's software just tracks when it actually posts to their company. 

No worries, I at least know how to do the math.

Anyway, that's done. I went ahead and updated my expenses sheet for November instead of waiting for the end of the quarter.

So far, my net income is around $65k.

My expenses are about $40k until end of November. (target was $30k for the year.)

My savings so far is about $70k including mostly 401k, ibonds and FIRE Cash. I'm feeling pretty good about that. (Target savings was $57k)

Of my expenses, about $19k so far was on travel. I don't feel that bad. It's a lot of money especially for domestic travel, but I'm a summer bird now. That's what (pre-) early retirement looks like to me. I feel like some people would buy a property by now but there's no way I could afford property in Seattle! And property maintenance is not for me. 

Not much else to say. I'm over $1k in therapy bills. I spent a bit in shopping for clothes for next year, which is wild. I probably should spend more time examining my line items but I think once you have the money and there's nothing too surprising, it's hard to do any deep reflection. I do think my expenses are a bit leaky but since I'm not trying to squeeze every dime, my brain is just not about it right now.

Toodles!

Sat, Dec 3, 2022, November 2022 Reflections

I've had so many plans of providing periodic life updates but alas, here we are.

My mood is for the most part still really good. What a weird year. Hit my highest net worth, and gross salary. But also my lowest emotional point - I bought a pistol permit and made a plan to end my life!

I still think money can buy happiness, though. That hasn't waivered.

I'm feeling good and I don't seem to capture those moments quite as well as the sad ones.

I think financially, I'm feeling really confident.

Emotionally - I'm fatigued. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of managing my emotions. I'm tired of planning for them. I'm tired of anticipating them. Despite all my regrets, I really just did the best I could. I think I just have to live with the fact that I'm just going to make weird choices when I'm emotionally charged because all I want to do is not feel that thing.

More on that..maybe.

Something funny happened. I did a quick search for some vegan treats and landed on a listicle of online vegan bakeries. I picked one called The Naughty Cookie since I wasn't limited to just 1 or 2 flavors. Well each time I visited their website, I would get an offer for 10% off if I handed over my email address. So I finally did, since I am quite a consumer this holiday season. When I finally decided to buy the cookies yesterday, there was no promo code to be found. I even submitted my email address a few times. Clearly this is a small business.

Well this morning, I wake up and apparently they captured my movements because they sent me an email that I had stuff in my cart still and would give me 10% off if I checked out. Of course I did! That's exactly what I wanted!

The other thing I'm really happy I bought was the cleaning service. I've been casually considering it since moving into The House but for different reasons never got around to it. Well about $300 later, I have a VERY clean house and it makes me so happy! I think I realized one reason I was hesitant to invite people over was because I never wanted to do a deep clean. So in my future life when my future husband comes to visit, I know just what to do. There's nothing like hosting people with the confidence of a clean house! And when they leave, I can have the cleaners come back! (This is of course fantasy because I currently have no one to invite over.)

And you want to know the best part! Well after I reached that OASDI limit, my paycheck increased by about $300. So that money was almost like 'free' money...well at least money I didn't know I had coming. So that is awesome.

And I think even though I'd try to set lower limits, I lost track of all my clothes shopping at Old Navy so I won't be too mad if it ends up being about $300. Which really isn't that much money. There are 3 pairs of leggings I'm not sure about which is only like $36 total but the big concern is I don't go anywhere so I'm just storing it up to collect dust! But anyway, I think everything at this point should be less than $300.

Oh well, I'm also giving myself permission to spend all my allowance this month. All of it!

Yesterday I moved some money around in preparation for 2023's financial tracking. I benefit from the buckets at this point. Before my savings strategy was simpler because it was just save as much as possible and live off the rest. Now I'm trying to spend more because I can (plain and simple), so I'm still trying to find the balance. I moved from - can I afford this? Should I get this?...to now it's more... do I want 1 or 3 of these things? When I go on vacation..it's not if I should go but more...how long do I want to stay? 

I have to now remember to remind myself, this is unchartered territory and it's okay not to know! I think that's why I still scour FIRE blogs. It's less out of strategy and how-to...and more into...now what? How do I enjoy this money in a way that makes sense and is sustainable (especially given I have no desire to live forever). 

There is still a part of me that feels like I'm going to be punished for being boastful or prideful. But haven't I been punished enough?

I know this year I declared no signs, and no destiny, but old habits die hard.

So what I started to say was in my moving money around... I realized I like the buckets. For me this is my version of giving my money a job. Now that my savings and spending strategy is more complex, I'm employing the buckets. I went so far as to rename my accounts so I could remember exactly what they're for.

I technically still have 4 bank accounts, but now they have more of a purpose:

Bank 1- local bank, for check/ cash deposits, and just to have something local if needed

Bank 2 - Hub

Bank 3 - holds checking account for recurring bills and home for Emergency Fund (~8k)

Bank 4 - on its way out; the plan is to leave $5 in each account and once my CD matures, I'm moving it over to Bank 3 for the rest of my Emergency Fund. I'm only keeping it because it's the bank tied to my iBonds and there's not an easy way to change that at the moment.

Bank 5 - whoops...I guess there are 5...this is my churning bank for bank bonuses. I cleaned that out too. But I think I'll store my charity money there only because I didn't want to open yet another savings account with Bank 2!

Anyway, it's way too complex a system, but I'm working on it. 

I keep getting sidetracked. So as I was finalizing my latest money moves, the thought came to me that I have about $5k left over with no expenses ear marked for it and I still have 2 paychecks for December coming. What if I went ahead and switched my 40lk contributions to 50% now (instead of waiting till January). When I did the math, I realized I would be too close to reaching the IRS limit of $61k for the year...but this morning I realized... I think payroll would stop it wouldn't they? I was also concerned about missing the full 6% match. 

But this morning I redid the math, and I think I can do it...further more... I think I want to do it! 

What's funny is when I looked at my netpay at the beginning of the year and now and the checks are the same. So 50% pre-tax contributions nets me about the same as 30-something percent post-tax. How about that! I think for now the easy choice is just to maximize tax-advantaged accounts first, so this will be fun! 

Other Reflections (ala Frugalwoods style)

Career: I love working from home. I love the light workload I had this year and hope it continues. I love my total compensation. It's amazing. Money is such a big delineator. It's made me more hopeful for next year. The best part about is the work from home, the light workload, and the pay. My least favorite: I still don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time; fear that 'real work' will start and I'll lose everything; and working east coast hours when I'm on the west coast in the summer. In ten years, I hope to have reached millionaire status in the next 5 and either enjoying a light workload and a modified version of early retirement or be completely work-free by choice! 

Lifestyle: I love working from home. I love that I can cope with a solo life. I've identified 2 regular players that I can't seem to shake, and I'm finally okay with it. The boundary is to just let them decide how much we should be each in other's life. I can't make any more decisions about that. I am excited to commit to 1 more year of therapy via my pre-paid FSA account. I love that I discovered the magic of professional housecleaning. I can't wait to explore other things I can outsource now that I have disposable income! I love that I get to explore this idea of being a 'summerbird' next year. As my counselor reminded me, my life has a lot of flexibility and I love that! In ten years, I would love to be in a long-term committed relationship, preferably a marriage. But I think I would be okay with long-distance and extended periods of togetherness for a little while. What I don't love is how sedentary I am. I wish I would stretch more, either get physical therapy, or figure out something to make my chronic arm pain and butt pain lessen.  Next year, if the mood strikes, I want to outfit my home office. Now that I'm considering working 5 more years (as opposed to quitting), I am looking into getting an adjustable desk; a more ergonomic desk chair and a comfy couch for the office. 

I asked myself what would make living in The House less horrible, and for me it was the pest problem and the maintenance. Orkin and Merry Maids solves some of that. I think as long as my workload stays manageable being able to have this home base will make being able to explore other areas also more manageable and likely. 

Finances: I love where my finances are. I love that I have a default savings goal as I still navigate how to increase my spending and straddle the leanFIREd but still working mode I'm still in. I don't have any high priority plans to look for another/second job or even to climb the ladder at work. I'm fine where I am. I may change when I have new goals. I fear I may be short sighted and not sure whether I should plan for more, but all this future planning just isn't for me anymore. Considering I've been planning to end my life for quite a while now, it's really a dissonant effect to plan for the long-term while also planning to not live long. In ten years I hope to have at least 1.5 million dollars, but mostly I hope to reach a million within the next 5..really 4 if we count this year...really I hope to reach a million by age 42 (stretch goal, this age is when I thought I'd originally reach FIRE500 so how funny would it be to double that!). 

So that's where we are. I think for my own amusement, I'm going to change my payroll contributions to 50% for my 401k for December. How fun! 

Thurs, Dec 1, 2022, Last month of the year

 I keep hearing construction noise that sounds like cars doors closing. The cleaners were supposed to come today between 12 and 4, but really between 2 and 4p according to the rep. It's 3:45p. It'll be dark at around 5p so they'll just be here when it's dark and my day is over. That kind of sucks.

And there was a free event at the Botanical Gardens I wanted to attend. 

The cleaning is supposed to take between 2 and 3 hours. So if they get here at 4p, they're not leaving till 7p. That's so late. 

I've kind of been waiting for them since 1p when I unofficially finished work. If I had known they'd be this late, I would've eaten. I've been hungry with a headache. But I don't like to eat if I have to be active right after. I like to relax and let my food digest. 

What a weird day. 

I've been wanting to order myself some cookies just to ring in the holiday season. I think with the end of the year and realizing nothing catastrophic has happened to my finances, I get a little spendy. I'm sure it's all going to add up, but this has been a weird year with spending.

Even after what seemed like a comforting conversation yesterday with my counselor, I was up until late into the night thinking about my Seattle trip.

But today I haven't given it a second thought.

Wait, I think I ended up buying more dresses. Oh well.

Did I already mention I want to get some cookies.

Sorry, if I did, it's been almost 2 hours since I started this because the house cleaners came and I had to move downstairs.

I want to check my spending, but I'm afraid of leaving anything open and being a victim of a crime of opportunity. 

I'm just so glad they came and I can cross this off my list.

I didn't get a good night's sleep last night, so I'm feeling a little drowsy.