Unemployment Diaries: Oct 1, 2 Months of Expenses, More Let Downs, and Aunty MERJ update

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretirementjourney.com on Oct 1, 2019. 

It’s October can you believe it?! Where has the year gone. For anyone else on the job-hustle-train, you have now officially missed the cutoff to get a bonus next year (2020) at your next employer.

This last weekend was such a wallet buster given I only had about $80 to spend for the last 3 weeks of September, so I was quite motivated to see just how much I dumped into the consumer machine in the last 4 or 5 days alone. That means an expense update for the single (and now unemployed) girl! I included the 2 months prior as comparison.

2 MONTHS OF EXPENSES WHILE UNEMPLOYED

2019	Jun	Jul	Aug	Sep
Everyday	$261	$728	$332	$197
Housing	$995	$34	$995	$1,038
Student Loan	$570	$529	$0	$0
Extras/Other	$557	$455	-$415	$104
Gifting/Aunty MERJ	$0	$0	$182	$516
Total	$2,383	$1,746	$1,094	$1,521

Notes on expenses while unemployed (Aug, Sep)

Aug 2019

Everyday Expenses ($332) includes Groceries ($122) and Restaurants ($57) and gas and other incidental expenses.  Nothing too outstanding there. I was home more so I likely bought more convenience foods. And I rented a few movies.

My Student Loan is on hold.

For Extras (-$415), I cashed a reimbursement check from the interview in Chicago.

Gifting/Aunty MERJ ($182) is from $100 when her account went into overdraft. My name is on it; I mostly regret that decision. The rest is from a flight I booked but didn’t take. She was sounding so pitiful and I fell for it. Then regretted it.

Sep 2019

Included in Everyday Expenses was Groceries ($67) which was pretty low. I think I just fried a bunch of things. And fried things are cheap. Restaurants ($57) was also low.

And the numbers we’ve all been waiting for…

Well misleading but Extras (-$104) actually includes $234 in jobbing related expenses for my interview in NJ yesterday.  Plus 20 hours in the car + 6 Ibuprofen worth of pain.

Gifting/Aunty MERJ ($516) is all related to Aunty MERJ. It includes two trips to Tampa which is flights, Ubers, and airport parking. As well as errands and food.  And what’s the price of endless frustration.

Most Recent Let Down(s)

The biggest one that has left me so discouraged and led to a blog post to release some angst is the onsite interview I had at Big Pharma in NJ. So many things. It all started off …well..I don’t want to spend too much time dwelling in that sinkhole so I’ll just copy and paste my notes from my spreadsheet…

Status update:
Candidate Applied- 01Sep2019 > Under Review-03Sep2019; 9/10 e/m for HR phone screen; phone screen 9/12> Under Review-12Sep2019; 9/12 I emailed to let know of other opportunity; 9/19 they email to schedule onsite!! > 9/25 tentative schedule > onsite > 9/30…bleh; didn’t like being redirected, otherwise ok.; online status: interviewing 30Sep2019

On the escorted walk out, one of the schedulers let it slip that I’d hear back yesterday (Monday). It’s Tuesday after 5p. Womp, womp. No one I know waits too long to tell you good news. I know well wishers will say wait a week or two, but everyone I know across several professions has heard back within a day or two at least with a verbal offer. That’s certainly been the case for me for every job I’ve had.

I know I can do these jobs, but I get so rattled when I get an unexpected question. And there’s always one. I had 48 pages of prep notes (30 pages were my presentation) and if something even simple gets asked… I just lose my mind. I black out and halfway through my response I’ve forgotten the question. I gave up on this interview after the first question around 10a… and I wasn’t scheduled to be done until 2p.

My latest question is do I keep suffering “for practice” or will I find strength in leaving an interview early. Will I regain some of the control I lose at the end of each of these? Or should I stop taking day-long and half-day long interviews altogether?

My running tally if you’re counting…

Since Jul 2019, I’ve applied to 118 jobs (not including duplicate openings). Of those, I’ve had callbacks for 17. Of those, I’ve had 4 on-site interviews and one offer.

Since Jan 2019, I would estimate (because I wasn’t keeping tally), I’ve applied at at least 150 jobs; had callbacks on 19 (two because they were related to my last employer). And for YTD, I’ve had a total of 6 onsite interviews. And still just the one offer with my last employer’s direct competitor. It’s basically all the things I didn’t like about my last job + none of the things I did like. I start Monday.

AUNTY MERJ

So two Mondays ago she had a small stroke. One Tuesday ago, she had a mild heart attack. Yesterday she was discharged. Given her comorbidity with dialysis initiation about a month ago, I figure she either has 10 more years (dialysis prognosis) or could have an event incompatible with life any day now. So there’s that.

Thursday as I’m in the ICU with her, I get the email that oh, you have to prep this presentation and oh, there will be a writing assessment.

ANXIETY LESSON LEARNED FROM OUTDAUGHTERED

So I’m watching Outdaughtered and one of the three year olds cries on stage and shuts down when she’s put on the spot. Her parents say she has a little bit of anxiety and took her to an occupational therapist. I feel like…am I her except 35? I just hate being asked direct questions or any type of oral assessment or any type of unexpected question. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

Not getting these jobs makes me wonder if I even want them. I mean I don’t want to work, but if I have to, I’d rather be making more money to stop doing it faster. That’s ultimately where I end up and I keep applying.

The prep work is what I do to help me combat the unknowns; maybe it’s helping in that I’d be worse off had I not done it. But when I can’t even recall my prepped answers or feel too scared/ unempowered to even look at my own notes, then what good is it? And why can’t I stick up for myself? Like… is someone who’s talking to me this way really then going to hire me? So why not regain control of the situation?

Unemployment Diaries: Week 7, 2 Phone Screens and a 5-Step Plan to End My Life

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretirementjourney.com on Sep 19, 2019. 

Yesterday (18Sep2019) was a bad day so I developed a 5-step plan to end it all! All, I say! I tried to make my life better and it didn’t work, so I decided to end it. Where’s bad?

What happened?

The week started out really well! After breaking my own ban against applying to any more jobs after Aug 26, I applied to more jobs. This is after the job offer I received last week. I just didn’t want to do it…the new job I mean (I feel a bit different about that now…mostly).

I say the week went well in terms of the jobbing front. Within 1 business day of applying, two companies contacted me to setup a phone screen/interview. The first company was a large biopharma so that was impressive. I felt like the talent again…you know the one they’re trying to acquire. I prepped my questions (albeit with less gusto) and it went reasonably well. I have yet to really hit these things out of the park because my answers are all copied from the internet and I can’t sell it that well. That was Monday.

Then Wednesday came. This phone interview was with a smaller company that does genetic testing… I think? And herein lies the problem. I’d seen this job months ago when I started my search. I didn’t apply because it really wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. But because applying to jobs has teetered into the realm of obsession feeding some unmet need, I applied anyway. I applied over the weekend and was contacted Monday for the phone interview. When I researched the salary, the internet said it was pretty low. Add that to the fact that it was not where I wanted to be career-wise, I did a basic prep of the same questions and gathered a few bullet points about the company.  I didn’t even want to do that, but Brain told me to at least try to put my best foot forward (in all things)…and Brain was right!

However, their webpage was so cluttered, I just kind of gave up.  Plus after so many of these, sometimes they don’t even ask me questions about the company…at least not the hiring manager.

Boy was I wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out my thoughts about what happened and basically they’re something like this… I wasn’t prepared to answer the questions that were asked. ..or… I got so rattled, I didn’t perform well. I hate the way it feels when people think less of me… or I perceive that they think less of me. ..or… The questions were a little ridiculous and it was infuriating not to be able to fight back. …or…  I hate the way it feels when I can’t stick up for myself or when there’s an imbalance of power and I’m diminished in anyway.

What’s the point in prepping if I’m going to get rattled anyway. I just get so thrown off with the way other people talk. It’s as though we’re speaking a different language. Honestly. I use language very effectively, but corporate-speak is not like that all!

Then I went to run some errands and some other microaggression happened at my polling place (it’s early voting season!!) and at the Whole Foods and the day just spiraled from there.

Mostly though it was the tangy feeling from the interview. Brain started recalling the last time I felt like this. I remember saying I never want to feel like this again. I vowed to never interview again. To never apply for another job again. I would just put my head down and continue the grind (at my last job).

Journal entry…

 April 30, 2019, 4:40am I’M NEVER INTERVIEWING FOR ANOTHER JOB AGAIN.

The April 2019 instance ultimately fueled the fire for my quitting my last job.

And this was sparked by a previous internal jobbing experience in Jan 2019.

THE PLAN

This most recent negative outcome (from just yesterday) was the final trigger I needed. My memories play back the last four years of trying to make my life better by seeking out new employment:

2016 – I applied for and failed at getting public health jobs/fellowships.
2017 – I applied for and failed at getting a job with the US government (Public Service Forgiveness loan anyone?!).
2018 – Family problems discouraged a job hunt; mostly stuck my nose to the grindstone, identified a FIRE number and tried to stick it out; near the end tried to get promoted at work.
2019 – Tried again to get promoted at work; that rejection upon rejection fueled an active job search which led to this moment.

I’m nothing if not a girl-with-a-plan. So the next time I feel like this, I know it will have a purpose. Here’s my 5-step plan to end my life. Plastic bag suffocation is way too sudden. I’m more methodical than that.

5-Step Plan

1, Apply for permit (in person/online)
2, Pick up permit
3, Purchase
4, Target practice (at a range of course)
5, Death date

With each new trigger, I get to cross something off my list.  As I said, I’m nothing if not a girl with a plan. *le sigh*

Just in case you need it: Lifeline

Unemployment Diaries: 6 Weeks, 100 Applications, 1 Offer, Plastic Bag Suffocation

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretirementjourney.com on Sep 13, 2019. 

It’s a pretty bad sign when the morning after a job offer you start googling how to suffocate with a plastic bag. Drastic, I know.

The worst part is I’ll probably show up bright eyed and bushy tailed that Monday morning. Ugh, I hate this.

Don’t I want a job? Isn’t this why I applied to 100 jobs in the last 10 weeks. But then why did I even quit my job 6 weeks ago?

As usual, I’m all over the place with my feelings. So, let’s try to organize these thoughts. Basically I quit my job at McDonald’s and now applied for and was offered a job at Burger King yesterday. The hiring manager kinda gave me an icky white-man feeling. I can’t tell anymore if it’s just my general disdain for what I foresee as the possible outcome for working for another bulbous white-man or if something bad actually happened.

All I know is I’m immediately filled with this sense of dread, much like how I felt going to my last job. (But it wasn’t everyday, so I stayed for 4 years.) The thing is I feel this way almost every time I have to leave the house to do something where the outcome is unknown or potentially negative. Given that I’m pretty much doing the same job but for a different company, I can’t help but think the outcome IS known. I’ll be exactly where I am now in four more years.

So then I started listing things I don’t like about this job (even before starting), and the list is so minor:

• Still in NC
• Still on the phones
• The pay is 10% more but I’m so sure when I applied for this job 2 years ago, it was 20% more. So now I’m feeling underpaid and I haven’t even started.
• Weird PTO (it’s ‘discretionary’)
• Weird mgmt (hiring manager is a line manager but also runs the department which was only just started 13 years ago)
• Weird shift (8.5 hour day vs 7 hour day; late shift till 8p vs till 7p, but still considered salary)
• Pricey health insurance
• Working remote not an immediate option

Then as I’ve done in the past, I dream of being a school aged child again when life was so ordered and the future so full of possibility. I think about the things I enjoyed about school:

• Structured periods of learning
• Structured breaks during the day
• Social/gab time
• Acknowledgement (grades, praise; don’t have to fight to be heard)
• Long breaks
• Progress
• Learning, learning, learning!

So basically: learning, breaks, acknowledgement.

How can I get some of those elements in my current life. I tried quitting my job to get the break part. But what I’m missing is the engagement in brain busting activities. I’m missing some social aspect but adult humans are so tricky. I’m missing the acknowledgement. Thinking maybe I’ll get good at a hobby, I go back to my OneNote list of extracurricular activities with my local Parks and Rec Dept, and that’s as far as I go.

Will I be stuck in this loop forever?

Related:

Dream Bio vs Current Bio: How I Still Don’t Know What To Do With My Life

How Design-Thinking Can Inspire Your Early Retirement Journey

Dying at 35

Unemployment Diaries: 5 Weeks Later, Psychological Implications

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretirementjourney.com on Sep 8, 2019. 

I have been unemployed for 5 weeks now, and my life plan changes by the moment. One minute, I’m fixing my mindset for a pre-planned sabbatical. The next I’m ruminating about why no one chooses me for a job. Then I’m forcing myself to be grateful that I’m making some progress on some applications.

Each time I move forward with one company, I mentally start a new life. If it’s here in NC, I imagine myself trying to stay very busy and getting out of this four-walled prison that is my studio apartment.

When my inbox is void of any emails of progress in the application process, I dive into a tail-spin questioning my existence and self-worth. Which generally leads to submission of more applications.

If an out of state job emails me back, I’m filled with fleeting delight. I mull over my cost of living spreadsheet. I check out apartments. I spend hours revising my repository of interview questions and answers. I get nervous; I get excited; I get anxious. To mellow out, I put on a mask of dejection and position myself at the finish line without the job. And with that mindset, the prophecy is self-fulfilled.

After a failed interview, I tell myself the interviewers are the problem with their circular questions and expected coiffed answers. I know what I’m supposed to say, but I can’t get my mouth to cooperate. I actually don’t want to work here but I have to work somewhere to stay out of the poor house. I left my last job because it was making me crazy. I don’t dwell on my weaknesses. My five year plan is not to work ever again.

Update on Job Applications:

Against my own self-imposed ban, I applied for 7 more jobs already this week. I also received 2 emails for phone screens this week; one was Wednesday and the other Friday. After the Wednesday screen, I was verbally offered an onsite that has yet to be scheduled.

For the most part, while my applying has decreased from 14 my first week to 7 this week, I have been unsuccessful in trying to stop obsessing about my next job. I’m still searching, albeit only 2 days this week vs 7 days in past weeks. And I’m still obsessing even if I’m not online.  Because of this, I’m leaning toward just going back to work sooner rather than later;  not transitioning to a default sabbatical as I’d hoped; and just forging full steam ahead to FIRE over the next five years. Thoughts?

Unemployment Diaries: 4 Pieces of Bad Advice I’ve Been Given

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretirementjourney.com on Sep 5, 2019. 

I’ve been unemployed for almost five weeks now. As I have mentioned, it’s been quite the reckoning of emotions. I haven’t told too many people about my unemployment status simply because I don’t really have that many personal relationships. Since this draft has been staring me down and I’m feeling a bit discontented at the moment, I thought I’d release some of that energy in a post about some of the lackluster advice I’ve received in my journey for a new job.

#1 Everything Happens For a Reason.

This is everyone’s fave for just about anything. I find it not comforting in the least and wholly untrue. What people are trying to say is that there’s some cosmic reason things “happen” and ultimately it works out for your good. First of all, this advice is largely thought to be biblically based. But it’s not.   There is a verse in the Bible  that says ‘all things work together for the good of those who love Him’ (Rom 8:28) but there’s a caveat that you’re supposed to be doing what God called you to do. Am I doing that? Is anyone ever when dumb stuff happens and this phrase is flung out in consolation?

#2 Apologize.

I kind of went on an apology tour this year of people I lost touch with and have been doing a little bit more  of that trying to re-establish connections for job leads. That’s one of the things I did not like about my last job. I was constantly apologizing for things I didn’t really care to apologize for. This is the nature of customer service. This bled into my personal life and felt like social media and the ratchet reality-TV shows I watch are all fans of the apology.

Honestly, at this point in my life, apologies don’t mean much to me. If whatever you did was truly bad, an apology doesn’t really help. At least it doesn’t help me. Unless the apology was an acknowledgement of a small mistake or slight (e.g. stepping on my physical toes, not looking where you’re going and running into me), it really isn’t going to make a difference. Reconnecting with old associates via an apology has proven to be unfruitful both socially and professionally and as another pithy saying goes… leave well enough alone.

#3 You don’t know unless you try.

Um, well actually I do know. This FOMO culture and people deciding they need to make their own mistakes is so counterintuitive to me. After 35 years of living and observing human behavior, having parents, older people around, you know and can know lots of things before you try them.

With my recent obsession with applying to jobs, a co-worker and much of the internet are big fans of following up with recruiters. I’m pretty sure if a recruiter ghosts you, you didn’t get the job. If you don’t send a follow-up email after a screen/ interview, that’s not the reason you didn’t get the job. So I do know that without trying.

I say that, but I also just applied to almost 80 jobs in 2 months; 80 of which I’m apparently not qualified for. So, I probably did know that before I tried. But what’s an unemployed single girl to do!

Here are more things I now know:
– Unlikely to get an interview with a large company without an internal referral.
– Unlikely to get an interview unless the small company I’ve chosen is desperate or so much of a start-up they’re just not getting many applications.
– Unlikely to get an interview if no one involved in the recruiting process is a non-white-man.
– Unlikely to get an offer if the hiring manger doesn’t look like me.
– No need to check email for callbacks if it’s not a Tuesday.
– Unlikely to move forward in the process unless my old job title matches the new job title even if the skillset is the same.

#4 Just move to a new city and find a job.

Two of my old associates actually told me this. We’re in our mid-30s. We have professional jobs. First, if I wanted to do any sort of clinical practice in another state, I would need to sit for an exam to get licensed in that state. That would require procuring some sort of study materials, reading said study material, registering for said exam and completing whatever requirements they say.  Why would I do that?

Also, all the job applications are online. Why does it matter what state I am in when I complete them?

One of my aunts recently said ‘why don’t you just move to Maryland and get a job at CVS. Those employees always look so happy!’ Quoi?! My old workplace was a graveyard of ex-CVS employees. She was another one who seemed put off that I wouldn’t move to Maryland without a job first.

Say I didn’t do patient care (which I don’t), and continued my search in industry. I would need to make sure there were a good number of companies that offered my job in that city/state. I’m already in said city/state. There’s only one other hub I can think of for my line of work and that’s basically the state of New Jersey. Who wants to live in New Jersey?

This is why I don’t have friends, I affirm for myself. Followed by I wish I had someone to pal around with these days to at least get me out of the house. And get my mind off my inbox.

However what I really need are some older people with real applicable life advice with known outcomes. Otherwise I am my own peer. If I wanted to make choices with unknown outcomes, I don’t need advice as I’m already doing that.

I’ll leave you with this. After adolescence,  befriend people who are a few years or a few stages of life ahead of you to provide you some direction.