Feeling just okay

 I took the generic Lexapro last night around 10p when it was delivered. There was coughing a few hours later. 

There was just the faintest burn vapor shortly after the med swallowed.

Makes me think perhaps I should have waited until morning to swallow the magic bean.

It would have been interesting to see if I could have one night of sleep.

All I want for Christmas is a good night's rest!

I am vacillating on the Beach Trip. I remembered I don't really like the person I'm travelling with as like a good friend. Or at least our friendship has changed. I'm not that interested in a kid vacation. But I already got excited about just having 2 weeks left in Summer House, so I'll probably just go.

But what I'm thinking about doing is just getting my own hotel room. I have some points I can trade in for Hotels.com gift cards. The big thing there is well a) this isn't really a trip I wanted to go on. The fun part was being able to crash their plans. That would be at least amusing to me. But, you know humans. 

b) technically, I wasn't sure what I would do with all these points. And this silly vacation seems like it.

But also... here's the thing... I don't actually want to go to the Beach. This is definitely not on my wishlist. 

But actually what I was going to mention is it's $100 more to book on hotels.com than booking directly with the site. 

So really the big upside here is getting rid of these points.

So if I go with Hotels.com, my base price for the trip is about $650 for 3 days in Cabo. 

If I booked it on it's own... wait a minute.. it's only $1k...hmmm am I really getting a deal? Cuz I'm technically spending the extra $500 in gift cards! And my flight cost only accounts for 1 leg! Okay, it'd technically be $1300 for the non-stop flight I have. 

So it's not much of a deal me thinks.

Anyway, I'm feeling kinda blah this morning. Not motivated to do much. And a bit hungry.

Monday check-in

 Today was another good day. Had a great therapy session with blonde therapist.

I can't believe we're dwindling down to our last sessions.

I'm hoping to be able to meet with her until end of August.

We talked about my relative. Blah. She said she's receiving some attention and affection that maybe would have been coming my way. 

Messaged Last Boy. He sent me a rude message. Gross. But I'm not beating myself up over it. 

I'm impatiently waiting for my new meds to arrive. It's almost 10p.

What a long day for the mailman though. Geesh!

I realized how much I like living near a park. There's so many people out recreating. It's awesome.

Also talked to Frenemy. 

I can manager her a little bit better now. She's like a boy who's not that into me. Which is fine. 

I know in a bit longer I won't have to deal with these people. Which is awesome. 

I got some alerts that VTSAX was at another 52-week high. So I checked my balances again. They are not skyrocketing like I thought. 

My Call Center 401k is at 99k which is really close to the 101k it was bought at when it was transferred. It's been awhile since it's been that high. 

I'm still keeping my sights set at 650k for the end of the year but 700k would be awesome!

Woot! I just saw the USPS truck drive by! I'm going to check the mail!

Another I like my life post...

 I was going to say I love my life! But I'm not quite there. I mean in the hyperbolic way, like I love Lucky Charms, I love my life. But not in the long standing steadfast way.

My 1 meeting for today got cancelled. All my leads are on vacation.

I started a load of laundry. Yesterday I finally sorted out a Hello Fresh order. I got confused with the menus but was able to get 3 meals delivered by Thursday. For under $40 which is great.

I still can't believe my summer ends in 2 weeks. Whoa!

I spent part of the morning trying to figure out my Winter Trip.

For now, I've tentatively decided to move the Cairo trip to November. And then go to Miami in December; that's something I can do last minute. I'll have to because my short term rental companies don't open up bookings this early.

This felt like more bang for my buck. 

What I am getting tempted to do is find another travel agency for the Cairo trip or book on Expedia. But I think for safety reasons, I should probably stick with some level of support by going with a company. But the prices on Expedia are sooo resaonable, I'm very tempted.

I sat outside for about an hour I think. Other than the bugs, it was very pleasant. I could probably just wear pants and that might be easier.

I think I'm going to eat some Lucky Charms later.

I'm getting a lot of potatoes in my meal kit and I have some Spam I want to use. So, I think I'll make potato salad, sans veggies instead of potato wedges. I have some mixing bowls that will be easy to clean and foil. Whoops, I gave away my plastic wrap.

But good thing. Because my summer is winding down. Only 1 weekend left in Summer House. Wow!

This week, I'm supposed to make a shortlist of apartment for Newtown. I'm nervous!!!

It seems huge.

I don't know where to start. I have a default one but even that only has 2 vacancies right now so who knows what will happen between now and then.

I'm concerned, but also not. I mean, I'll find somewhere to live. It's just a matter of if it'll be a first choice or not. Yikes!

I have a long list of errands tomorrow as well. Gotta get some things checked off. 

Alright, going to do some of my PT exercises before tomorrow. Toodles!

Things are good...

 I had a more creative post title that reflected what I actually wanted to say. But you know my memory these days. 

Mostly, I just wanted to reflect on my mental state this fine Sunday morning.

Yesterday, I spent some minutes counting down the last 2 weeks in Summer House. I decided to just default to staying here the rest of the summer.

I hemmed and hawed over getting a Blue Apron meal. I wanted to get 3 meals to cover the next 2 weeks, but the earliest delivery date was next Saturday. That seemed so far away. Then by the time I figured what the heck that delivery date was no longer available. C'est la vie!

See...where before I would've probably cried or been frustrated.

I just feel...more capable. These little things don't disrupt my entire mental state.

Also I'm still calibrating recovery time. Mostly, I overestimate emotional and physical recovery. There's just some muscle memory with some stuff that is in conflict with my new found energy and outlook (ie, medication). 

I just spent $30 at the grocery store on essentially snacks. Way more than I would've spent on a deeply discounted meal kit, but I'm just unbothered.

I might even do laundry today.

I still grapple with trying to lounge as much as possible with my freetime but I'm finding myself more motivated to do other things.

I was reading a mommy blog and I liked how busy her day sounded. It was nice to echo some of her summer activities.

So far, this summer I've...

- Watched fireworks

- went to a baseball game

- ate roasted hot dogs

- roasted marshmallows

- played games

- sat outside

- read outside

- camped on my sofa

- watched TV

- read a bunch

- lounged around

- went to the park

- lots of hikes

- travelled

I'm having a pretty great Not Bummer Summer!

Haha, up until this moment I didn't even remember the picnic I missed yesterday #medication

There's just less time for lamenting.

I really enjoy my apartment complex. 

Oh! That's what I was going to write about... even if I don't use it. I like having it around. When I left my studio in The South for Pandemic House, I justified that the fancy school districts and parks were nice but I didn't utilize them, so why was I paying a premium to live by them.

Then I moved to a neighborhood with no sidewalks and realized I missed the people and environment that fancy parks and school districts attracted. Rabbits and foxes, my friends. You can't distill things down as much as you want. Most things come packaged. 

So yes, I've lived here over 3 weeks and only visited the park once. But I very much enjoy seeing all the people enjoying the park. The sounds of laughter. I like seeing people milling about. It encourages me to mill about as well.

Even the grocery store. It's walking distance, but I've only walked to it once. But I like knowing I could! It's just feelings, no logic. 

There are benefits that are not easily measured. 

I've always known I can be easily swayed by things I don't feel strongly about. And there's very little I feel strongly about, especially these days. It's why social media is a dangerous place for me emotionally. Even TV falls in that category. But TV provides enough entertainment value that I have to take the risk. 

So yeah. Financially, I'll probably spend more these next 2 weeks than a meal kit, but c'est la vie. 

That's where having a cool safety net feels amazing. For all the tears it took, I'm so glad I reached my leanFIRE number. This moment brought to you by financial security! 

I don't know if I've mentioned but my remote job seems a little uncertain in the long-term. Not the job itself (well insecure to some extent) but more the remote part. Now that we've re-orged, the new team is not a fan of remote work. But some peace of mind brought to you by: Financial Independence!

But since I'm sort of interested in being a millionnaire, if I had to move back to the South to complete that goal, I feel more open to it than I have been in the past. Because I know it'll be only a couple years and then I can bounce for good. I do better with finite goals. 

Anyway, it's a Sunday and I feel goooooooooood!

Also, this has been the longest stretch of no-red days I've had since December 2022. Woot!

Alright. Onward with my day!

There's a hike at 2p. Considering I still have a bunch of snacks to eat that I just bought, I might forego that. 

I did decide I'm going to see the Barbie movie on Thursday. And my snacks will be salted popcorn +/- Corn Pops ($5) and Twizzlers. There's no Dollar Tree around here and I didn't price them at the grocery store, but that's what I have in mind. 

Yay! And I think on errand day this week, I'm going to purchase tickets for the paddleboarding events next week. I was trying to replicate 2 outdoor events this week, but couldn't figure it out. Not sure I'll have the energy after PT this week. 

Do I really need to change my name?

 I realized that by leaving the South, I have the option of reverting back to my old name. It certainly would make some things easier. 

Like my passport and some of my bank accounts. 

And verifying my education.

But then I thought, there's no one particularly significant in my life that I would have to explain this to. And now that I'm embarking on this new adventure, it would be cool to deeply punctuate it with my new name.

Just to cross off the last 40 years of my life. 

So even if I live 40 years or 30 or 20 or 10, or 1 more, it will be cool to have this inflection point.

I think I started to pause because with my medication my deep seated negative feelings about myself and my history in The South don't feel as important.

And I wonder if the name change might be a reminder of that.

But I think I can rebrand it like I'm finding I'm having to do now that my brain isn't trying to kill me. 

It could just be a celebration of life. I don't necessarily have to forget all the "bad things" that happened over the last 40 years. But I can celebrate them too - like my 3 degrees; the cool adventures I have (and left to have); being raised by my aunt who has loved me more than anyone on earth; and even cool people I've met. 

So the new name doesn't serve to negate those things anymore. 

The new name celebrates me. My commitment to myself. My re-vitalization. My next chapter. People change their name all the time, lest we forget. 

And eventhough Christianity is not as strong of an identity anymore, I still loved the Bible stories where people got new names as they progressed in life. So I don't mind the callback to that.

So my new name is a celebration. It's a part of the culminating event I've been looking for. I did it! I lived 40 years on this earth against so many odds! I did it, kids! I did it. Let's celebrate. And let's live on for what's next. 

In this moment, it's the first time 40 years left doesn't feel so long. Can you believe it???!!