Alright, friends! I'm back from my work trip and while I mentally wrote to you while I was away, I never actually signed on to this here blog.
It's been 30 days since I've been on generic Zoloft (sertraline), so I thought I'd document this experience. Since so much of my funds as of late has been going towards mental health.
If you'll remember I was able to get the prescription online at one of those online therapy/doctor sites. So I had to talk to no one. The whole interaction took less than 30 minutes and my prescription was mailed.
It took me about 30 days to actually start it. I think it was around the last weekend in my old house and I wanted to be excited but I felt myself starting to cry. So I figured at the very least the placebo effect would help enhance this experience that really ought to be more exciting.
So I took it.
First - side effects. It BURNED! So during the last 30 days I've tried so many things to mitigate the burning. Three types of antacid/ heartburn meds. Eating. Sleeping. But as of the last week, it just became too much. I'm waking up coughing. And I thought I had a routine that mitigated that but nope. I'll go to sleep fine and then 3- 4 hours later, the acid makes its way up my throat and I'm awake hacking up a lung. Luckily, my workload has been light or able to be done at odd hours so I don't have to be completely alert at 8a when I just fell asleep at 5a. Small mercies, right!
The other side effect is insomnia. I've just accepted that no matter when I go to sleep, I'll be up in 2-4 hours. And not groggy, but just awake. That was a weird sensation. Because I've had trouble sleeping through the night for as long as I can remember since I started working, it's hard to say how much of it is history and how much of it is new. But this wakefulness feels different. Because I'm not awakened with racing thoughts or strong emotions. Or hot or groggy. I'm just awake!
Ok, so on to efficacy.
I think when I was reading horror stories about mental health meds, the word that resonated with me most was - fearlessness. That's the best way I can describe how I feel. I never really identified with depression. But the anxiety feels accurate. I'm just able to get over things faster. I find myself saying 'whatever' more. And just again being able to get over things faster.
Another way to try to describe how I feel is with my budget app. When I first signed up for the app, it kept alerting me to all these brokerage fees. And I felt compelled to act. Like OMG, something's wrong and I have to fix it. I think that's what anxiety is like. It's definitely how I would describe the plans to end my life. In simple terms, it felt like something was wrong and I had to fix it. And the only solution was to end my life.
But I guess the medication mutes the alerts. My circumstances that seemed to be 'wrong' haven't changed remarkably, but it no longer feels like something I have to fix RIGHT NOW! So that's why I feel the medication working more on my anxiety than anything.
Off-handed comments don't seem to ruminate. Like even going to my work site for the better part of a week. I think I probably said some things or normally would have worried about things that I just couldn't give zero flocks about right now. Like they still happened, I just didn't dwell on them. I remember a co-worker saying 'whatever' to a disapproving comment and that stuck with me because that's kind of the mood I'm in a lot of the time. So it makes me think, that's how normal brains process trivial things.
The scientist in me also observed other things. I'm more forgetful. So, my thought is that's how the medicine works. It must target the same brain space as memory. It's hard to worry about something if you can't remember it. So I can recount old memories and assign some worry to them. But anything short-term, it's like my brain can't be bothered. It's like a sieve. Like the thought just flows through instead of being captured and held on to.
I completely forgot to take my shredding items to work to shred. When I know in the past, I would have been thinking about it every day until I left. Or I left my food in the fridge at the hotel. Which that is an easy mistake to make. But I feel like in the recent past, I would've been unable to sleep thinking about it. So that's my theory on how anxiety and memory might be linked.
So I'll have to remember to set more reminders. My aunt used to describe me as the absent-minded professor. It feels like it's ringing true again.
But yeah the fearlessness reminds me of Old Me. I used to be more adventurous before I was keenly aware of consequences. And I think as far as socializing, where I see the difference, I'm more keen to sign up for stuff that sounds fun and I don't immediately worry about emotional consequences. But that's been a tougher habit to break. Cuz I have this built in system of waiting to do certain things after sleeping on it. But since I'm more forgetful now, I sort of have competing thoughts.
So I think maybe that's where the 'depression' might be a bit unresolved. I'm still not that interested in personal hygiene and grooming. Or chores around the house like cleaning and cooking. There is still a part of me that wants to lounge around. And I don't want to give up my free time to do tasks. That part I haven't fully reconciled. I think a huge contributor to that angst is my wonky work schedule. My free time comes unexpectedly so it's hard to plan for and I feel like I want to savor it because a heavy workload could be just around the corner.
I guess maybe I just have to plan to have fun, but know that if work requires my energy, work comes first. Ok, I think I can do that. So I guess, it's just that unpredictable level of energy. But I solved that last weekend by being able to forecast some days off.
So I think one difference I might see upcoming is just planning for the fun, but being flexible that I might have to cancel at the last minute. Plan for the best possible outcome I guess! It doesn't seem very frugal, folks! Yikes!
But I think small amounts of money are okay!
Okay, all that being said. Since I want to give my throat a break and would love the opportunity to sleep through the night without waking up with acid burning my esophagus, I messaged the doctor. And he recommended generic Lexapro. He also said I could stop the Zoloft, but I'm not ready to. So I've been furiously checking when the Lexapro is due to arrive.
My plan is to transition from Zoloft to Lexapro with no days off in between. I don't want to experience any withdrawal/discontinuation symptoms. There were a lot of patient stories of the heartburn with Zoloft. And there are a lot of patient stories of the Lexapro and discontinuation. So I'm not looking forward to that. My hope is to make it to 8 weeks because believe it or not, that's how long the clinical trials were for these meds. Isn't that wild!
What I liked about the Zoloft is that was indicated for premenstrual dysphoric disorder which meant people were taking it on and off during a month. Which to me meant the discontinuation symptoms were tolerable or minimal.
Not the case with Lexapro.
In other news, I think I'm thinner. I don't have a scale but when I look in the mirror, I feel like I look thinner. But I think my weight fluctuates in summer and winter anyway. I don't get as hungry in summer. And in winter all I want to eat is carbs and nap.
In other, other news. I may or may not have bought some tickets to crash a committee member's trip. It's at an all inclusive resort so there's no telling how that will work. But that just feels like another thing I've done now that I'm more fearless.
Also, another committee member's smug attitude was getting on my nerves. We met for lunch, and I still feel some resentment that she's living the life I thought I was supposed to have. It's hard being around her sometimes. I realized it's because I'm still needing emotional support from my friends and they're just not able to give me what I need. I went to Maryland thinking I'd have this great reunion with some old committee members but that kind of fizzled when I got back in touch. I'm not sure why these feelings happen. Because this isn't a new feeling, I don't think it's medication based. But eventhough I'm thinking about it now, it's more because it's an old feeling. And I know it will fly out of my brain soon enough.
Ok, that's all for now. I need to get food.
Also, also! Um, there's only 2 weeks left in interim housing!! Can you believe it. Where did my summer go?!