I can't believe i never have to work again...ever

 I just can't believe i never have to work again...ever. 

It's Sunday and my body wants to feel scared and sad about tomorrow - but there's no reason. Nothing is happening tomorrow to feel scared and sad about.

So now it moves down to lower priority things- relationships with other people and vacations. 

Can you relearn how to be happy and just be. 

My body is so conditioned to distress that it's trying to magnify my peace into a problem. This is going to be interesting folks. 

I finally reached total financial freedom and my body is inclined to reject it. 

Where is the bootcamp for this.

How to be alone? How to be happy? How to reclaim solo-living!

I am giving myself all the grace and guardrails and the room to make some fumbles. There are going to be some old habits that just don't make sense.

Right now things that I need to reframe

- vacations - they have typically been used as an escape... get away from work, unplug... but if that's my everyday... does it still make sense? it's gotta add some value... 

- friends - i have more time to think about them now...luckily with my new address and identity.... it's not worth the risk to dig too far into the past... i wonder if the cure for this is to stay busy with other mindless things that aren't work... that might be something i need for the transition...in fact i came online to register for some free cycling classes...; minor things are being ruminated on when i don't want them in my life at all...what do you with people that you don't like 100% of the time..; i think my default is to let them choose how they want to be involved in my life; and i get to accept or reject it; no nagging as the 'getting to i do' book says. it's for romantic relationships...but we can try it out..

in terms of social events... my default is the path of least resistance - free food, structured activities... i tend to not enjoy roaming activities; i like sitting...unless it's a nice day and i just want to be outside...

i'm toying with letting out some frustrations with people in my life...

basically my current friend group has sort of disbanded... and there have been some unkind remarks... 

"you're an adult, you can figure it out"... that's just rude...

some cold greetings.. 

i guess this is just data...

what really changes for me? 

Dec 2...in other news

 In other news outside my weird fever dreams...

I'm anxious about going back to work after my leave. I'm just 'afraid' of having any conversation whatsoever with my boss. I don't want to be asked to do anything. I don't want to be asked about my leave. And I don't want to accidentally reveal that i've checked out.

so i'm nervous every minute they're going to put a meeting on my calendar and i'll have to engage. 

last week was fine because there were no meeting on my calendar. in fact all the meeting that were there were cancelled. so i felt reasonably certain it would be an uneventful week. and it was.

but i'm nervous that my boss hasn't thought to meet with me since i've gotten back.

i wonder if they're plotting against me?

i don't know. 

i wish my FMLA would be approved already. I'm trying not to have anxious thoughts about it until next monday; that will be 5 business days since the last fax. after that, then i'm going to upload the med cert directly on their website. 

there are some money moves i need to make on my money date with myself on dec 15...but part of me just wants to do it now...but i bet it's just me trying to manage anxiety about work stuff.

early retirement has been a bit of a ride...i've been mentally checked out but i think the anxious work residue still hangs around... i don't know what it's going to be like when i'm officially and unofficially out of here..

Lexapro vivid dreams - Dec 2024

 So, friends...last night was all over the place..

i was in my child hood home..and i decided to walk to a family friend's house...i reached an intersection and knew to turn left not right

then suddenly i was on a road i recognized...pass like miles of cornfield...

but somehow it turned out later it was only 3 miles... (un true in reality)

then i recognized some intersection and knew to turn right...

then i saw a house but it wasn't yellow like i thought it was...

then kept walking..

and ran into Gary in the field... he wasn't surprised to see us...

cuz now there were 2 cousins with me...

he kind of went back to doing what he was doing...

then realized we were still standing there..

so he gave us the keys to his house and told us to go ahead and go in

then it was kind of cold...

and then i kept seeing sugar beetles... i don't even know if that's a real bug...

but his tv stand was dusty...and i remember thinking if his wife was alive...there would be no dust..

then suddenly he appeared but i was so fixated on these bugs... i think i sat in one and the gross little legs were stuck to my pants

and there were 2 under the tv stand that no one else seemed to mind

and then someone...i guess his new wife...appeared and kept calling my random 2 cousins...the 2 'dumb ones'

but then one of them was 'pretty now'...she was thin... (I think this had to do with watching kishori from amazin race)...

then i was kind of in real time thinking i need to check if gary died...

then suddenly i dreamed of my old racist friend and thought his dad must be dead and i needed to reach out to him...

and then i started dreaming my old Honda didn't use to brake when i needed it to...i can't remember if that's fact of fiction...

and there you have it. 

i get to be happy!

 i do!

it's like when your therapist says you get to choose... you get to choose how you feel...

i choose to be happy

sometimes, i just can't

but today..i can..

i get to be happy

i was thinking how fearful i was to celebrate these recent BIG WINS! lest something comes and takes them away...and my mind started to recount all the big wins...that did get taken away...and guess what i held my breath for those...and they STILL got taken away...so i choose to be happy..and exhale for goodness sakes!

so yeah being over employed didn't really work out the way i hoped but i'm glad i got to say it out loud and celebrate for the months it did...holding my breath would not have stopped it from happening...that's just silly...i'm in fact not a scorcer though many moons ago i was convinced i was a witch!

so yeah...this week is my last full week of work... and i plan on being happy about it...

there are some angsty things on the back burner..but as my therapist like to remind me...they have no power over me...they can't do anything to hurt me...

i'm OK! dang it!

i'm okay...and i will be for a long time..

so God can laugh at my plan all He wants.

i'm freaking okay.

i'm so tired of anxiety and superstition and fear.

it's the freaking holiday season...let me live!

so as for my plans...

i put in my request for leave and i'm planning on everything going according to plan.

this year's expenses are covered...any other income for this year is going into the pot to cover expenses for next year..

and any income from next year is going into investments...

all my dreams have come true and i plan to enjoy them!

i did do some light google stalking of a family friend someone mentioned...and while i did wistfully wonder if they were blissfully happy... i didn't cry or linger or wish i had their life... i just didn't. 

there wasn't anything else to the thought. 

the biggest thing i'm trying to tackle at the moment is my weight gain... losing weight is something i know i don't want to actively do... i did want to do 2 weeks of intense self care...but losing the 20 pounds is what i would want and starving or depriving myself for 2 weeks for just 5 pounds seems like a waste..

so i stewed on it for awhile to figure out what was achievable and try to make a plan..but i just came up with trying not to overeat and avoid sugar... i think i can do that for 2 weeks... and updated my goals in my daylio app...

my focus right now is just tracking my sleep and coughing symptoms

and then trying to incorporate as many days as possible of not over eating and avoiding sugar/sweets

so i'm planning to do 2 weeks of free spinning...which given the times...is likely just going to be 4 classes for me...

and i was looking at getting a meal kit...there were at least 14 meals i wanted...so that was fun to try to narrow it down to 6

...i'm past the boring middle...i'm now at the near end..and boy sometimes the days are slow...

but again...it's my last full week of work EVER..so i've done it for all these years if you include school...i can do it for 1 more week...

i may have applied too early for my next leave but i'm glad cuz i want all this angst behind me so i can be free on MY LAST DAY OF WORK EVER! ok, i should probably stop saying that because it's not exactly true...but still...whatever..

anyway, i'm happy today. and i wanted the world to know. 

free and angsty

 it's amazing how awesome i feel thinking about how few days i have left as working days and how angsty i felt just thinking about dealing with one of my managers.

the thought occurred to me to take the screen out of one of my windows and accidentally fall out.

weird, right.

i'm trying to hang in there for the LTI and bonus payout next march, but i wonder if the angst is worth it.

it is.

i know it is.

the payout is less by about half since i will be requesting unpaid time off, but for now it still seems worth it. especially if i can keep myself busy

i guess i'm nervous they'll let me go?

but why that bothers me...i'll never know..

i'll take all the drips i can get in my nest egg!

otherwise, ..well it's so funny how decisions seem so hard but afterwards you wonder...what made this hard...

i think i just wanted that round number...

but i'm so OKAY without it....more than okay...i've been dreaming of being able to say i'm retired...

i think letting go of the broom-making job (ie, call center #4)...is going to be so awesome on my last day...can you believe that was ever a struggle to get rid of! wow.

...feeling very...'i can see clearly now the rain is gone...'

let's just say i'm loving life right now...