it's my birthday month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 yay....it's march!!

which means i have an excuse to be happy all the time!!!

it's amazing freeing myself from social obligations just added a boost to my mood.

got some lab results and some WBC were low and lymphocytes were high. so i'm fighting some sort of infection.... maybe just allergies..i hope...

but this frees me from guilt about wanting to stay in and be anti-social...yay...

and with all the social events flowing through my inbox.. i just feel... a bit been there done that...for now... i have to remind myself...it's okay to change your mind, change course...

but yep...now i feel no guilt whatsoever for staying in...  i might even forego going out for cookies and food later and eat what i have here...

i am a little nervous about starting the malaria meds though....eek!

i love me...and can't wait to begin crafting the life i envision for myself as a 41 year old taking care of herself as her most cherished and beloved person. 

feeling kind of restless

 i don't know if it's just a touch of impatience or just some kind of weird stress of all the things i have coming up...but just haven't happened yet..

or the loss of friend...

or it's starting to hit the endlessness of my days

had 2 thoughts of 'i want to be dead' in the last 2 days.

momentary, but they happened.

i'm on 20 mg of meds at this point. next stop after this is prozac i guess.

i have to spend my money...can't let my brother have it..

thinking of reconnecting with old seattle fling? he doesn't seem that interested but #secretlove

can't seem to shake that in my 40s

going to be 41 soon... can you believe it!

trying to parent myself as an approach to managing the next 18-20 years...

boy...i'm not even sure where to start...

the task is daunting and overwhelming.

maybe i just get through this day first. 

i'm the A**hole

 grrr...

i guess i'm in a place of privilege to be able to retire early.

i've already lost one friend..

i guess i'm offending others...

geez... i have to remember this...

i was sharing a discount i got on my malarone with a friend cuz they got there's more expensive...i thought we were financial friends... but she was like your insurance is superior! it felt weird... and it's sunday....people's feelings are high on sundays...#work

but then yesterday i was sharing with my bro about all my cool stuff i have coming up...he exclaimed he wanted to go on a cruise...and of course me...i'm like come!... 

but yeah it started to feel weird...cuz it felt like i was bragging...

as he's listing off all the debt he's paying..

i never considered myself tone deaf...and i 100% tried to bring everyone along on the journey and they know i worked hard on this for 9 years and they considered me a little cheap and "money-obssessed"...but my, my...how they've forgotten now that i've reached my goal...

but yeah...money makes people weird...

i knew when i went to duke and stanford... i had to hide that...

but this too...

grrrr...where can i be excited about my accomplishments...silly humans... 

but yeah, wake up, MERJ! you have less people like you...so i will just keep living outloud in my apartment...

i'm still enjoying life... it's where i can cry and celebrate i guess...

honestly, instead of wanting to keep silent... i'm going to keep living my life outloud...

haters...keep hating! 

but yeah, i'm def not having my bowling party here in Newtown...too many haters...

my primary goal, or at least one of them, of having it in maryland is mostly just to announce it to my younger cousins that this achievable!!

anyway...your girl is now "privileged"... who knew! 

i'm doing well!!

 i was happy yesterday and i'm still happy today! 

what seemed like a year filled with scary unstructured free time... is getting filled up...and i'm loving it! 

i renegged on most of my obligations for this winter due to weather and just the  i-dont-wannas and i feel pretty okay about it! 

i realized i put those activities in place in case i needed it to distract myself from the nothingness. and it felt so good to cancel on them! 

so that's what insurance is... in case you need it.

this re-framing stuff really works when your brain cooperates. 

full disclosure - my lexapro dose is now 20 mg....which is either the standard or the highest... that happened about 2 weeks ago... 

but yeah, i've been able to distance myself from these damning actions and thoughts.. you know how when you eat a cookie while you're dieting...it feels like YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED. or even the thought of wanting a cookie... make you feel doomed...

but hey, guess what, according to my counselor... you reframe and redirect as many times as it takes..

and if you need to cry...cry... 

so yeah...little stumbles don't jettison all my good progress or have me contemplating ending my life... so yay!

anyway enough of recalling history..

it's sunny and bright...and i was really wanting to go get some cinnamon rolls at this local bakery...because a friend suggested it (and i'm trying to reconnect with said friend)...but i removed the pressure and am staying in yet again...and making cornbread...and going to make some hot chocolate later!

so here are all the exciting things coming up for me...

in a week... i go to kenya!! wooot!!

then after kenya, i am planning to resign...

then 2 weeks after that...i'm having my retirement party ...wooo!!

then at the end of april... i'm going on a cruise...to alaska! (cuz that's what retired people do!!)...

and then i'm working a summer camp in california starting in mid june...

and then with that salary i'm hoping to help subsidize my fancy national park trip in september...

and then well...fall is my favorite time of the year... so happiness ensues!!

good decisions recently

- that impromptu trip to dominican republic in the midst of my deteriorating close friendship... boy was that the right call! (how do i know? i'm alive to talk about it!!)

- i'm happy that 6 months later... i still want to go to kenya... cuz you know your girl loves to cancel a plan...

i'm doing a load of laundry from my last trip so i can have my traveling clothes ready for my trip in a week!

yay... anyway... 

just wanted to share my cool wins.

oh the alaska trip is funny because... if all goes to plan with points and shenanigans..i should get what was a $1500 trip to under $200... yay!

i did it y'all, i'm free!!!

 i reached the BIG FI number in the sky!!! i'm in the 2 comma club officially without my car (and obviously not counting liabilities). 

it doesn't feel the way you think...especially if you've been checking it like a fiend since the last milestone. I thought i'd have to wait until bonus day... but it's here..

in my 40s!!!

she did it!

she did it!

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

weee weee weeee!

i'm all alone...yet again!!!

i want to tell adam but he doesn't want to be friends anymore...

as my therapist said to all my haters - they don't deserve to know how well i'm doing!

i love this for me!!!

celebrate good time, come on!

and just yesterday (well last week... i was crying ...over a boy!!)...

now i'm about to get an offer for my minimum wage summer job... go have an adventure with some grubby kids and annoying 20-somethings... but mostly i want to explore (and silently: get my weight under control...or at least my eating habits..so i can enjoy the next 20 years)...

to my future and past self---and current self--it feels great to be a millionnaire. 

it doesn't make a lick of difference that there's "no one" here to enjoy it with. i'm enough.

and i'm so happy i wasn't waiting for this moment to make any huge life changes...

thank you, strangers on the internets who posted the financial journey...you have SAVED MY LIFE.

i am financially stable and secure and confident.

it's the emotional and physical i have time and resources to make room for and focus.

i will try to walk outside tomorrow...maybe...