i did a grown up thing

 i have been reading an ERE journal that has held my attention. mostly for the detail on life and spending.

i find having cleared my FI goal (more or less), i'm not as compelled by money stories (don't get me wrong, i very much still am just to a lesser degree) as the story after. those are harder to find.

anyway, inspired by all his action on navigating the healthcare system and this weird pain i feel in my breast, i decided to schedule my mammogram.

it was surprisingly easy! 

and i made 3 phone calls! only 1 was fruitful, but i still did the thing.

i scheduled a mammogram. if my films don't make it...oh well!

i decided that worrying about the future was not helpful. i want to listen to my body and do the established routine and preventive care.

i don't know why monday just felt like a lot of pressure to do all the things. but once monday was over, surprisingly the pressure has alleviated.

i still have recurring thoughts of trying to negotiate a layoff given my boss's redundancy. so i keep replaying those conversations...they go like..

instead of extending my STD for another 13 weeks (only to be terminated), would you consider laying me off instead with 13 weeks severance, effective apr 2. given the relocation strategy and ongoing restructuring as well elimination of remote roles in our team. 

other thoughts - i could mention for personal family reasons. 

i don't know why i'm giving it so much thought. i will know more come march. 

grr i hate waiting for things to start.

oh well.

i need to wash my body and brush my teeth today...

not feeling it

 i don't know what's going on

today was an off day

i had oatmeal and a bagel

i really wanted....literally anything else...

but i just want to sleep...

i didn't get out of bed until around 1p

angsty

 the day is filled with angst and i don't know why

tomorrow we get our tax forms

is it the angst of doing my taxes

still feeling some sunday dread and i don't know why

angst about what exactly i am going to do all day

found myself wishing i didn't have to do the voluntary things i signed up for...news flash...i don't

was glad about it

still coveting my free time even though i have 20 to 30 years left

there will be some adjustment this year...

fortunately going back to work isn't the answer

glad i have things to look forward to the next 3 months...yay...

not sure what to do with the angst yet...

jan 12

 my birthday is less than 2 months away. 

i went to sleep last night with a lump in my throat and i woke up this morning with it. 

i'm anxious about something but i'm not quite sure what.

one of my last conversations was about a trip over seas. it wasn't really part of my travel plans or budget for this year, but then I thought why not. it's about 6k more than i thought i'd want to spend this year. so i flashed through some thoughts of increasing my yearly spend from 40k to around 50k...yowzers...

but then i thought...do i really want to go? honestly, not really.

would it make a few members of my family happy - WITHOUT A DOUBT.

spending money to make other people happy...is a new concept to me.

so that's where most of the angst lies.

i haven't really hung out much with my neighbor since thanksgiving.

and i'm surprisingly okay...now.

it was rough at first...but i've gotten into the groove of things.

anxious feelings led me to try to file my taxes with the information i have which is nothing...womp, womp.

overall, still happy. really want some chocolate cookies or rice krispie treats with chocolate chips.

not sure what i'm eating this week.

it's weird to not have to worry about waking up tomorrow.

i thought i needed to fill the time...but now i'm wondering if want to volunteer and play bells...etc...

i feel that pull on my time, and i'm starting to resent it...

well as i have to keep reminding myself....this is the transition year...mistakes will be made....

i want some blueberry waffles

 i'm scared, i'm fearful, i'm excited.

i still love my life right now. 

i might get some chipotle later. 

i made a pork and rice dish but i ate it twice yesterday and now i'm craving some guacomole.

i get to be happy, y'all.

i'm smart and pretty and rich. 

i am those things.

i am also fearful.

unstructured free time has been my nemesis in my recent past.

but before that, i'm pretty sure i loved it.

or maybe the idea of it.

as a kid, it was to be feared and coveted before it was taken away from you.

i find myself often paralyzed with what to do to make the most of it.

lay around and smiling

binge-watching

getting stuff done around the house

attending to chores or tasks

tackling made-up to-do lists

going adventuring

staying put

i have no reliable blue print on what to do with my future time

i applied for a summer job at a camp

i have already romanticized it in this way - it'll be a good mix and break up of my unstructured free time. if i retire in april, i will have about 3 months before it starts, and then 3 months after it...

but then does that put the time constraints on my free time...something i think i want to escape...

this is undoubtedly a good problem to have

but certainly tricky to navigate

what do i with my time with no parent or teacher or employer keeping score; no high marks; no demerits; no congratulations; no time cards; no performance reviews...

how will i know if i'm doing it right?!!

how do you unlearn 40 years of structure and performance metrics?!

maybe you don't?

maybe i don't need to

how do i feel free

i can tell you even with 2 light days at work, the soft lump in my throat remains

my sunday...was a smattering of light gray and i eventually pinned it to returning to work...

which leads me ... lost my train of thought...

oh... this leads me to believe that retiring earlier is better than trying to extend STD leave, even though it's 'money left on the table'...it's also sanity attached to that....and i choose me...

i did that yesterday when i stopped grumbling about it being too cold to get fast food and made myself a pork and rice bowl...that required quite a bit of chopping...

i kind of want to make some meatloaf...that might be next...the weather certainly calls for it..

perhaps this heightened anxiety is related to work...

perhaps i'll have these anxiety nets in place...ie, the summer job, or the Montana trip...

i'm reminded that when i had the call center job i booked a trip to phoenix as an escape to look forward to...but once i no longer that the job, i did not feel a need to escape...

so we shall see...how i feel when i'm finally free from full time work...will the camp job still make sense...will a $6k trip to Montana still make sense...

so for now, i'm refraining from making big or costly plans until after i know how it feels to be free...

again, this was therapeutic because i have the clarity i need...it's imperative i leave my current widget job...sooner rather than later...while free disability payments will be fun...i'm nearing the place in my own life where my decisions don't have to be financially motivated anymore...

which one makes me happier??

i need to find a better word for happy...but maybe that'll be my theme for this year...#softgirl life

and it's entirely possible that i may need some summer camp jobs for the first few years...to transition out of full time work to full time retirement...i'll move with the algorithm...

free housing hasn't stopped being appealing...