and all is good again!

 Phew... while I spent quite a bit of friday and saturday thinking abou ursula (new name for my work colleague), sunday I found a bit of respite as I was social. Yay! and my recliner came in. I'm officially an old person!!!

anyway, i waited until this morning after some thought to send an email...and even decided to wait until I met with my mgr for our 1:1.

He started the meeting and before i got to my list of items i wanted to discuss he told me that ursula is moving to another submission and....get this!... i'll be taking over her old submission as a lead!!

it's bittersweet...

- well, it means it's confirmed i'm not working with her for the short term or the long-term = yay!! because i don't have to work with her much after this week AND i don't have to have what would be a tough conversation for me!! and i don't have to worry about repercussions. !!! 

- And it means that i'm still trusted with more responsibility...so my big concern with ursula's shenanigans is that it would affect my job/ job security; but if they're entrusting me with more responsibility, then, that makes that moot.

It was quite a bit of relief all at once and i was parsing together why it all felt so good in real time. but i could immediately feel relief since i'd already identified my pain points.

so the email and conversation seemed wholly unnecessary. yay! and i'm just so proud of myself for sleeping on it...even though it cost me some hours of sleep..it eventually resolved itself. i'm okay being in this phase of my life where if i'm 'patient' enough....non-essential things work themselves out. yay old age.

so yeah, i do still have some breakthrough anxiety....but luckily it doesn't become too widespread that it feels like the sky is falling! 

so yeah, wanted to share the good news. 

i was feeling so good, i baked some TJ banan bread muffins..can't wait to munch on those shortly. And I tidied up the kitchen and ran a load in the dishwasher!!

overall feeling really good!

and with the Gift cards off my plate, that's been suchhhhhhh a relief!!

i'm even thinking of ordering some african food - yum!

anyway...back to enjoying my happy life as my co-worker used to say!!

Feeling a bit better

 I just drafted the email to my co-worker and ccing my boss. I had drafted just an informative email and was unsure how much I wanted to refer to the goings on. 

But I think to help squash it, I just added a couple sentences that focused on I statements. 

But also gave me a bit of a voice so that her opinion isn't the only thing my boss is hearing.

I feel good about this and hopefully it'll help this snafoo to dissipate.

Expectations

- she will come back with non-sense but at least I will have made a statement

- we might have a meeting - which will suck, but I don't care

Ok, on to other things.

Next trying to decide if it's worthwhile to find a new therapist (on Headway) that might be able to write for FMLA...woot!! 

Confidence with a side of anxiety

 Make that a big helping.

It's Sunday, and I'm feeling some nervous stomach.

I feel very confident that I am going to reach my FI number by the date I set out. 

In the same vein, I feel very confident I'm not going to reach it any earlier, so that thought doesn't even stay very long in my brain for me to entertain it. 

Reading how confident Purple has been in all her declarations makes me feel confident to publicly declare it. No more fear of 'jinxing' it somehow. 

Stuff happens. It just does. 

I'm not ready to share with the people I know just yet. But I realized I did share it with another person I just met. And I've been sharing it with some of my new friends. So that's inconsistent. 

That doesn't make me anxious. Surprisingly!!

So I've made some visual aids using Purple's examples on a Saturday to distract myself. I really just like thinking about and dreaming about it. I don't think I'll need it because again the confidence that it will happen.

Granted lots of swan dives could happen but my medicated brain doesn't even entertain that thought.

Even when I think of quitting my job because I don't want to work, the feeling doesn't last too long because reaching this goal seems almost certain. So my logical brain just takes over, like it's not worth it.

And because I have a couple of achievable things I want to do first:

- pay off my car

- go to Australia

- go to East Africa

- take at least 6 weeks off first

My plan is all but solidified. 

And honestly the thought of making a new plan is not very appealing.

So what's making me angsty -

- a hangout this afternoon (minor)

- this upcoming week with my co-worker (lightly mitigated with the thought I just have to lay down and take it for another week)

- just overall angst of future work; trying to find ways to make work more enjoyable/tolerable over the next 2 years

- my brother coming to visit for an indeterminate amount of time...

- addressing my nasty co-worker and her stupid face

I'll be honest, I haven't been sleeping well thinking about work. On one hand, it fuels me to keep working so that my safety net is very secure. On the other hand, it's a bit of rain cloud over the short-term. And I run the risk of wishing my life away. 

Luckily I have some built it in fun events even if they are just playing in the background.

I also can just get used to the fact that this is a small trade off for the big trade off. And like I used to tell myself during college...keep going until you get the F then you can quit.

So yeah even if for some reason, work goes off the rails. I'm likely going to dust myself off and find another job to make it to my quit date. So it's easier just to stick with this job as best as I can because I will unlikely find another high paying job in the next 2 years.

So, I resign myself to laying down and taking it. So yeah, that's really the source of my dissatisfaction. Trying to make the discomfort more palatable. Trying to figure out if I have something to prove. Trying to just make it as tolerable as possible but also realizing I just have to take it. Do you just take the bitter medicine straight or spend time trying to find sugar to coat it with. 

The easiest thing seems to be just taking it. Honestly. I don't have any investment in this role or hope for a better outcome.  So it helps to just remind myself. 

But it would be nice to have a little break before fall. I guess Australia might be it. So just hold on until then. Technically had a nice Easter slowdown. Then May has memorial day. June has juneteenth. And we get 2 days off in July. Then August is my trip. And usually Fall is awesome cuz the weather changes and then it's the holidays. 

So yeah maybe it's wishing my life away, or it's just life. Doesn't matter much to me.

And just like this I get a moment of calm. 

what's making me anxious today?

 Well... you guessed it.. work!

My project lead keeps making sooooooooo many comments on my document, it's annoying. And I'm in the background thinking... aren't we pretty sure this project is going to get shelved. So, I don't know if she's just that particular of a person or what. 

But I'm absorbing some of her anxious feelings. And she keeps sending it back for more 'work' and I meet with the people and have the same result.

I think she's told my boss she 'wrote' my document...which is false. And that it needed work. Which again is her opinion. 

I think that's what makes me the most nervous... she's in the same country as my boss and she's talking to him about my work. My biggest concern is anything that will affect my salary and my financial goals. I don't want to be put on a performance improvement plan!! 

Luckily, financially I will be okay.

I was doing the mental exercise of what would happen if I won hundreds of millions in the lottery. And when talking with my friend,  I realized I still felt a little trapped in my current expense box. I'm hoping this will change when I retire, but this is something to keep an eye on. 

It's still nice knowing that largely the only thing keeping me from my Big Audacious Goal is time, not these people. So I just have to put my game face on and last as long as I can. And remind myself, my empirical goal is just to stay employed!!! Not win any prizes! 

In other news, still enjoying life. Weeee!

It's a tough dance balancing work and enjoying life... I tell ya. 

I might have a date

 So in one of my mental exercise, I worked through the reality of what early retirement would look like in terms of timing. And when I reached the end of the exercise, it felt really good!

Dare I be as bold as a Purple Life and declare it publicly??

Yes! 

I'm just feeling really good and somewhat confident. This could very well be a reality. It quickly came into focus and caused some angst but brain dumping seemed to help as I have the bones of a plan. And that always feels good. 

I already spaced out and started thinking about something else. 

So journaling isn't as beneficial to me as it once was because my thoughts don't take over. I mostly just want to act or bury my head in the sand.

But yeah. 

I'm happy about having a final end date - and this time for retirement not life itself.

So even on a day like today when I don't feel like working or when I think about next year and how that will likely be a year of tough projects, having that last date HELPS tremendously.

Onwards.

I was just in a conversation with a colleague and re-affirmed how much my strength lies in short term goals. In these situations, I'm happy to go full out or at least keep swimming. 

I don't want to think of what happens if I don't make my number, so I won't. Isn't that easy?!