mar 29 feeling run down but still happy

 yeah it's been at least 2 weeks now with these coughing fits...i go to sleep..at 2a i start coughing... i feel the snot dripping in the back of my throat. i sit up, take some nyquil... i feel better, i sleep. sometimes it's 3 hours later before i fall back asleep.

oh well

my aunt has a house maintenance issue and i don't want to stay there next week. my cousin agreed to let me stay with her. but i think her guest room is in the basement...ugh. if that's the case, i think i'll just pony up the cost for a hotel room for 3 days. groan. that's another $400+

oh well. once i saw the price and re-looked at my options, i'm okay with it. there's like a standard $500 trip delay/interruption insurance with the fancy credit cards. i guess i'm just self-funding my own travel nuisance. so that amount seems okay.

of course i bought a basic economy ticket. so i think moving forward... i may need to rethink the non-refundable tix when i go to visit family. or at least something where i can credit back. maybe southwest or something?  or use AA points...that at least is always transferrable.

i think overall i prefer working with AA vs Delta. for the things i have needed change, AA policies tend to be more favorable. 

that's pretty much it.

i learned today i can add the cost-basis to company stock i transferred over to my broker. i'd been wondering about that for a while. when the second transfer went through..there wasn't a good way to know. i also learned it's not based on the stock price at the time of the award but rather when it vests. thanks, internet. 

still have daydreams of posting on our slack channel...namely when i'm trying to sleep.

my braids are sooo loose and they got ratty really fast... but i don't have the desire to get my hair done by tuesday. it basically leaves tomorrow or monday. but i don't think it's going to last until my cruise...so i'm going to have to figure something out...

oh yesterday i got so hungry it motivated me to order steak and lobster from outback..it was nice to have real food you can chew!

alright...it's noon...going to eat some cereal and have some lounge time...i heart my life right now.

being 3 working days from early retirement PLUS bingeing all these shows about dating..makes me feel a little lucky and superior. but not in the way that i need to rub it in...like a secret confidence... like i made a decision that more and more feels like mine... i do still feel a tinge of jealousy at people who were really good at their job.. but i'm hoping it turns to admiration...and people who find real love (haven't met these people yet where it's true below the surface)....but i'm just getting more confident...that yeah this might not have been what i thought my life would look like... but that's not a bad thing... i thought life was get married, have kids, work 35 years...and then die.

but when i looked at what i wanted and what i was good at..it didn't add up. i wasn't very good at working or dating...and never found a job or person that was quite the fit i imagined for my life.

but also...these are just kind of capricious metrics for the community i was socialized with.

i'm glad i was able to find my way. 

wed, mar 26...things

 still happy...

i have some serious night time coughing

it's smoky here again

working my way through marketplace...make sure to confirm with providers that they take your insurance, even if it's just a quick look on their website...

Marketplace was saying my therapist accepted Harmony and when i checked their website...they didn't. and i confirmed with her that she doesn't. so had to go back to the drawing board...luckily i had a spreadsheet, so i just went with the next best option... price went up...but...i'm worth it...so it's still an easy yes for health insurance. 

plus i planned for it...so that helps too...

plus..next year after steadily reading FIRE blogs for years...i know subsidies are a thing and i will likely qualify for them... it'll probably be another year or 2 before i understand how to optimize...

and that's okay..

i have to remind myself of that everytime i read yet another points-hacker blog...i don't know how these people do this!!

grrr...i was really envying the amex platinum card for lounge access this year since i already have like 4 roundtrip flights planned this year... but oh well... i'll leave room for more fun...

i may still make it a goal to visit a centurion lounge this year...just cuz..

in other news... i already forgot...whoops

taking a mental day off...yesterday was a lot of mental tasks and some physical tasks...i have a couple tasks with many steps... sending my laptop back to lenovo to get fixed; filling out paperwork for summer camp; and offboarding from my current job

so today i'm taking a woosa day....yay!

i've been eating too much...that i'm uncomfortable... i did a good job of getting yummy snacks for this week...but then i want to eat them all...

i'm enjoying solo living...i really am..

i do have moments when i crave some attention...when something cool happens...but it dissipates pretty quickly...

being happy is better

 i love my life right now. in the depths of despair i NEVER thought i'd be able to say that. thanks money and 20mg of lexapro. ahhhh. 

i woke up happy once again.

no real friends to speak of.

no motivation to cook a hot meal.

put waffles in the toaster and calling it a day.

hung out with my neighbor briefly yesterday. a sunny breezy bike ride at the park. have i mentioned i love my new town. he recounted a blow up he had at a restaurant that according to him got the waiter fired. ha! so glad, i'm not attached to that guy! that's not my life anymore. he was with his other friend who stood up for him and called over the manager and owner. that can't be me!

i'm not an entitled white man. and turns out i never will be. it's a waiter. i mean... that's no one's dream job last i checked. what is the big deal.

oh well. 

i mean to be sure customer service people have made me cry in the past, and it was tough to get over when i was in the pit of despair. but thanks to financial independence and medicine, i am definitely on team Whatevs. 

anyway...my last full week of work coming up and i'm on PTO. then i leave for my early retirement party. yay!

then come back and be happy and then leave for my cruise.

my apartment is a mess.

i was looking at pictures from my trip to kenya and i see the little pooch in my stomach from being at a record high of 150 lbs. and i still feel fine. i look great for a 41 year old!! i look at old pics and think of all the time i wished i were a little bit thinner (and I was!).  what a waste of brain cells!

no more... at my highest weight..and i feel fine about it. i don't desire to actively lose weight or be smaller. i'll buy bigger clothes. i wear the same 3 outfits anyway... ahhhh... to never working and thinning out my closet even more...yay!

happy sunday!!!

today is the day i plan to resign...

 it's been in the making awhile... as far back as when i started FIRE one could say...as far back as last spring when whispers of job insecurity were floating around..

but now i'm here...

wow... woke up at 2a and again at 5a..

been looking at flights ever since..

people.. my one fussy aunt... she's mean... she just is... i think it's jealousy wrapped in bitterness and confusion and anger and insecurity... abandonment...dreams unrealized... she also insults me...

but i'm the dummy for coming back...

i want more for myself..

she insults me.. i take time off... she's in her 60s...but she's always been that way...

this is family i guess... i've distanced myself as much as i can...

i need an emotional safety net... so i keep on with therapy...

i'm picking insurance on the health exchange particularly for this reason...

onwards...

back from kenya

 hi, i had a great time in kenya!

men are still gross. i wish they would stop hitting on and propositioning women. one of the women on the trip said, oh it's nice to be hit on every once in a while.

i do not feel this way. i am not someone that values male interest the way women are programmed to. i'm alone in this. i just wish i didn't feel a need to scream it from the mountain top (i don't do that but i want to).

being in my 40s is even better than turning 30. i know i'm middle aged an really an 'adult' now.

i have to enjoy life or it's just going to slip away. 

i don't think i'll enjoy being 70 or 80.. but now that i know people in their 50s and 60s... it's interesting... 

so i got propositioned by one of the tour guides.. ick. luckily nothing physically dangerous happened. 

i travelled with a couple...well it was my trip and i let them know i was doing it... remembered being a 3rd wheel...is not for me..

this will be a good reminder when that strong urge to plan a group trip happens...no couples.. 

i saw what my future might be like with adam...and luckily it was undesirable.. i need a break from taking on other people's anxiety....

my 40s are for me - growth, freedom...mostly freedom...

i don't know if it's anchor bias or because there's less  options...but i don't feel many qualms about resigning...what's funny is my new manager is acting like i'm coming back in full force...i think a part of me kind of figured they knew what i was up to...

oh well... the market's  down...but i know i can trim down if needed...

and also... despite the haranguing... i'm still going to push through until something very strong changes my course... in terms of the market i mean...

but yeah... feeding a giraffe with its warm tongue and its expectant gaze... made me incredibly delighted.... i wanted to stand there forever and give it a hug...

other things..

once i can figure out feeding myself... that will be one more thing i can automate and take off the thinking shelf...

i thought about going to paris because for the first time since i moved here... i wasn't ready to come back... not sure why... there weren't a bunch of activities lined up i guess... but yeah...i had a flight cancellation...and i thought... i'm only a couple hours away from paris...let's do that an extend the trip.. 

but i didn't have my jacket... so i also didn't want to be miserable.. i don't regret either choice...

but it's a thought... 

i am kind of ready for my next adventure...