i get to be happy!

 i do!

it's like when your therapist says you get to choose... you get to choose how you feel...

i choose to be happy

sometimes, i just can't

but today..i can..

i get to be happy

i was thinking how fearful i was to celebrate these recent BIG WINS! lest something comes and takes them away...and my mind started to recount all the big wins...that did get taken away...and guess what i held my breath for those...and they STILL got taken away...so i choose to be happy..and exhale for goodness sakes!

so yeah being over employed didn't really work out the way i hoped but i'm glad i got to say it out loud and celebrate for the months it did...holding my breath would not have stopped it from happening...that's just silly...i'm in fact not a scorcer though many moons ago i was convinced i was a witch!

so yeah...this week is my last full week of work... and i plan on being happy about it...

there are some angsty things on the back burner..but as my therapist like to remind me...they have no power over me...they can't do anything to hurt me...

i'm OK! dang it!

i'm okay...and i will be for a long time..

so God can laugh at my plan all He wants.

i'm freaking okay.

i'm so tired of anxiety and superstition and fear.

it's the freaking holiday season...let me live!

so as for my plans...

i put in my request for leave and i'm planning on everything going according to plan.

this year's expenses are covered...any other income for this year is going into the pot to cover expenses for next year..

and any income from next year is going into investments...

all my dreams have come true and i plan to enjoy them!

i did do some light google stalking of a family friend someone mentioned...and while i did wistfully wonder if they were blissfully happy... i didn't cry or linger or wish i had their life... i just didn't. 

there wasn't anything else to the thought. 

the biggest thing i'm trying to tackle at the moment is my weight gain... losing weight is something i know i don't want to actively do... i did want to do 2 weeks of intense self care...but losing the 20 pounds is what i would want and starving or depriving myself for 2 weeks for just 5 pounds seems like a waste..

so i stewed on it for awhile to figure out what was achievable and try to make a plan..but i just came up with trying not to overeat and avoid sugar... i think i can do that for 2 weeks... and updated my goals in my daylio app...

my focus right now is just tracking my sleep and coughing symptoms

and then trying to incorporate as many days as possible of not over eating and avoiding sugar/sweets

so i'm planning to do 2 weeks of free spinning...which given the times...is likely just going to be 4 classes for me...

and i was looking at getting a meal kit...there were at least 14 meals i wanted...so that was fun to try to narrow it down to 6

...i'm past the boring middle...i'm now at the near end..and boy sometimes the days are slow...

but again...it's my last full week of work EVER..so i've done it for all these years if you include school...i can do it for 1 more week...

i may have applied too early for my next leave but i'm glad cuz i want all this angst behind me so i can be free on MY LAST DAY OF WORK EVER! ok, i should probably stop saying that because it's not exactly true...but still...whatever..

anyway, i'm happy today. and i wanted the world to know. 

free and angsty

 it's amazing how awesome i feel thinking about how few days i have left as working days and how angsty i felt just thinking about dealing with one of my managers.

the thought occurred to me to take the screen out of one of my windows and accidentally fall out.

weird, right.

i'm trying to hang in there for the LTI and bonus payout next march, but i wonder if the angst is worth it.

it is.

i know it is.

the payout is less by about half since i will be requesting unpaid time off, but for now it still seems worth it. especially if i can keep myself busy

i guess i'm nervous they'll let me go?

but why that bothers me...i'll never know..

i'll take all the drips i can get in my nest egg!

otherwise, ..well it's so funny how decisions seem so hard but afterwards you wonder...what made this hard...

i think i just wanted that round number...

but i'm so OKAY without it....more than okay...i've been dreaming of being able to say i'm retired...

i think letting go of the broom-making job (ie, call center #4)...is going to be so awesome on my last day...can you believe that was ever a struggle to get rid of! wow.

...feeling very...'i can see clearly now the rain is gone...'

let's just say i'm loving life right now...

i made a decision

 things at the call center just have gotten on my nerves

i was trying to tough it out

reach yet another financial milestone

i was questioning the tenets - if i have enough, do i need more; when you win, stop playing

why am i torturing myself 

is this a bad situation or am i handling it badly

the answer to that one was yes

but also it didn't matter

it didn't matter that my co-workers can withstand it

the thing that matters is i can't

i wanted to be mentally tough and not let the villain win...i guess

but i also realized today in therapy that i was treating this as mental health daycare because my other job was making me anxious (i'm on freaking mental health leave and had to up my dose just to get through the day!)

this is about where that started... my therapist asked me that and i couldn't think of it...

but the widget job was a slow burn of aggravation...

while it was helpful to get data on the situation from other team members perspectives...i don't need the aggravation...

this is a terrible day care that needs to be reported...i wouldn't send my kid here...

the thing with insidious things is that it doesn't bum rush you..it seeps in...not all days are bad...

and we're so conditioned to take the good with the bad...

i challenge that... if i don't have to take the good with the bad, in every possible way..i'm not going to!

i've bought my freedom..

i don't believe in signs...but the algorithm has served up 2 bad work situations...

i think i need a break from work..

i'm confident if there's something else that tickles my fancy i will know and act on it...

honestly i was also echoing the fears of others...what WAS i going to do for 4 months if my last day is tomorrow?

but time will tell..

not knowing is not worth the aggravation..

this is a crappy mental health daycare so i'm noping out..

the only thing i think is...

i'm like 85% confident that if i put in my resignation, my dumb boss will exert her dominance and end it early... so am i ready for that limbo?

i was going for dec 26...but i think i'll just go for Dec 4. and be done...

i'm not ready to be wondering which day she's going to use to fire me...

so yeah...

i choose me, i choose my mental health

onwards!

i am not a patient person

 waiting is the worst...sometimes..

i have nothing but good things coming up, yet i can't help but anxiously await them

in this moment all the game play and scheming is taking up more mental space than it seems worth it...

at the call center, i'm holding out for another 10k...which honestly doesn't seem like all that much money... not for 3 months of my life when i could not do it..and be financially okay

but the job is easy and my rational mind like money...

i think there is a part of me that wonders what i would be doing all day...and why aren't i doing it now...but i can't multi-task..

and i am looking forward to the boredom for new ideas to appear...it's a bit of a risk cuz all the bloggers are saying to have your routines established ahead of time.. yeah i just don't think that's going to work for me...

i need to see the blank canvas to be inspired...

but yeah, i've been wholly uninspired to use my downtime...i mostly spend it plotting ways to do less work...

i don't know how people can have affairs or live double lives...

i distinctly enjoy living out loud...

i can't live in secrecy anymore...

so yeah....hanging around...for potentially $50k across both jobs... maybe...

i think there is also a part of me that doesn't want to let go of the bonus gig until i'm completely done with the main gig...

ugh...a reconciliation of feelings...

i literally just want to fast for a week...and then enjoy feasting for the rest of my life...

paid off my car!

 yes, friends....i was feeling frisky

my nest egg reached all time highs...and it was a number i was hoping to see at the end of the year....

and before i got too attached to it...i decided to pay off my car!

it was something i was planning to do by the end of the year, and i was able to save the funds by the end of august...but just put it off...for really no reason in particular...

so when i hit my number

realized some more milestone dates in my FIRE journey...

i decided sooner was better than later...

so it took a few days to sells some investments and move the money around...but friends! i did it.

i just submitted the payment... 

and i'd already scheduled some payments for some credit card activity, but i just want this all resolved sooner rather than later... so i went ahead and updated the payment date to tomorrow.

and then my trip for next year, the check is on the way. I could've done an e-check but decided to just do a paper check because that site didn't seem all that trustworthy....

but part of me is kind of re-thinking that... i'm just loving paying off all my bills

that way any money i receive from nov and dec will be allll mine....none to creditors!