Has it really been 3 months?

 eventhough it seems as though i've been retired for almost 3 months... it hits me like a surprise everytime i remember i have these large swaths of time with no plans...

i still try to fill it with plans...because that's what you do right? it's hard to know yet if this is wise or just programming...

so that's an adventure...

at first i was scared with no plans for the next 2 months (Jul and Aug) for this summer.... but after some time looking for things to do and cruises to take or trips to take or classses to take... i realized...actually just this evening...that hey, self!

you have no reading list, no homework, no work, no exams to study for, no semester coming up...and no idea what this is going to be like...once again...i have no real guidelines for the life i've chosen...

but i celebrated a little...did a little dance...and recounted all my past summers...working, looking for a summer job...getting ready for school, just finishing school, suffering, re-inventing myself... blah, blah....

it's harder than i thought to uncouple myself from the machine that is my former way of life...society...

i spent most of the last 2 days looking for cruises... i want to be gone for 2 weeks in july...i think...maybe i can pin a cruise onto the cruise i already don't want to take... to make it worth it... worth what? i don't know... i did find a calculation to try to understand what 'worth it' looked like. by tacking on the cruise i had in mind...i looked to see if that lowered the cost per day (that is, including the flight and possible hotel)... it didn't.. so i'm not sure what 'worth it' even means...

i just feel an urge to fill this free time...

part of it i planned to be 'away' this summer...and i'm objectively not. 

and to be honest, i don't even know if i like cruising...but i'm struck by the 'deal' part of it...and it is an awesome reset to not have access to wifi...and be okay! 

then i got momentarily overwhelmed with..what am i going to eat all summer...i mapped out 2 weeks worth of meals (at 1 meal/week) for the next 2 weeks...and got overwhelmed...

then earlier today i decided to have a little cookout of summer food... i'm going to make burgers... ala meal kit style ( i went to whole foods and bought ground beef and hopes it tastes like meal kit burgers!)... and fried plantain and s'more... i'm going to try hershey's dark chocolate...it has milkfat...and see how i do..

i read a book for a few hours...yes, just read for fun...

this might be the summer break i always dreamed of...

trying to recreate fond memories... not something to regret if doesn't work out...

i'm having my first independent solo girl summer...with no milestones to hit!

i just get to be happy...

see what i mean of realizing i'm retired...anew..

i don't know what i've been doing the last 3 months somehow...and the time has gone..

so yeah, as of this moment... i will hang out here for the month of july... go back to LA for the cruise... 

and then hang out here again for july...

i will try to see if i can extend the cruise when i get on board to see if that discount is much better...i have a number calculated...

i am still hoping to win a free cruise...so as charles calls it, it's field research...but if it doesn't work...i don't have to wonder.... (i might up the ante from $125 to $300 lost in the casino)...

but looking at things like delta cruises... you can find cheap cruises... it'll just be a matter of flights...but i think i'm confident i can do 2-3 cruises during burnout recovery...and that was kind of a loose idea of how much cruising i might want to do...

i'm sure it'll be fun to match good deals with flight deals...

anyway...somehow doing things to take care of myself... feels easier?...dude i'm really retired! 

i quit summer camp

 oh boy... am i the problem?? i just quit my summer camp in LA from my layover in houston. a part of me wants to get it out because i didn't really talk it over with anyone except charles. but a part of me is like what's the use..

maybe i'll make a therapy appointment. i just did, phew. feel a bit better already.

i went ahead and made a walmart delivery order of some foods i might enjoy eating when i land. so i'll land, uber, shower, and rest. and think of food later.

maybe i'll cook today, maybe not.

i'm running on 3 hours of airplan sleep and whatever janky sleep i got on campus.

basically, i've been overworked and confused and my body started getting tense around one of our bosses. to the point i started avoiding her and then today (Tuesday)... i was thinking fine i'll stay until session 1or maybe i could tough it out to session 2. but then i called into the principal's office after she already made me tense in the morning and that's kind of what i told myself just that evening...i'll know it's time to leave if i receive any kind of disciplinary action.

and that's exactly what happened. 

i have noticed the last 3 work incidents have been with a certain kind of white woman. 

so yeah... i have no choice but to take my burnout recovery seriously.

i feel..a bit confuse of what the implication for this is. 

but i don't have to worry about that for now.

the next thing to concern myself with is whether i want to return to LA for my cruise. 

as of now...we're looking at spending another $250 to get myself there in August...and it's going to be hot.

or just save my last $250 and cut my losses at the $540 i already spent and be done. 

i've already kind of lost interest in casino cruising anyway.

so there you have it.

still rich and fabulous!

Today, I'm happy and free and...being 40 is awesome

 i just had BM...and i only document this not to be gross but i struggled with GI distress for so long, so anytime i'm able to go...it's freeing and liberating!!!

talk about small happy moments

i'm starting to get excited about camp again instead of anxious

i'll meet people and get free food and room and board and not only will i save money from not having anything to spend it on...but they're paying me! it's a winning proposition...

and my booty is getting fatigued and sore from all this sitting anyway!

so it's friday...and no work for me...it's just incredible to me not having to clock in anywhere....

yes, the need to Do Something persists...but luckily i'm in sloth mode and while it addles my brain, but my bones are find staying put

it's fun being already packed because i just count down the seconds

i'm not sure why i'm always looking for assurance and confirmation...but the simple life is for me to my core..

next up (probably in 2027)...is streamlining my clothes...it'll probably be at the next move but i still struggle with rotating clothes in an out...

because i end up just wearing the same thing anyway...

but maybe it's like sidewalks and parks...i like having them around even if i don't use them...

it's a vibe...well if that's the case then no stress in keeping them around...

it's like being invited to a party you know you can't attend...the invitation matters!

i'm reading ' a well trained wife' about some woman who fell into the christian wife role too hard...but then you see her sister turned out normal...so was it the church or was it her?

just like abusers must have some mental dysfuntion

do the abusees?

cleary, you know when something is wrong but what part of you atones it...to reach some light?

i don't love blaming it on the church...although I DID THE SAME THING.

i can't pray anymore because it makes me anxious and i feel freer not depending on it..

i don't want to say anymore lest i spend the day ruminating on that..

i keep checking my email hoping to hear more about arrival day but i guess...that's it??

i don't know.

i love a mental health day...

i love having the next year to continue to recover...

anyway...

1 more day until i leave for camp!

a tiny wobble but safe!

 my neighbor is being sick and grumpy again.

and to think i had an inkling or two of sticking around this summer...they were brief, mind you, and never serious. but we were getting along. but now he's sick and grumpy and everything sucks...

grrr...humans are the worst...

haha... i am thankful everyday that i enjoy my own company...

my 3 pillars of my life are growth, freedom, and connection...connection being the third... and least prioritized... because people are unpredictable...

and i am able to feel connected to people in myriad of ways... i don't necessarily have to loved and hugged on everyday...that is my superpower... i know how to be alone.

but yeah, he's down for the weekend...

i'm so glad i wasn't depending on him for this weekend...or that i planned to go the weekend festivities...

i'll be having a slumber party with myself..and oh..how glorious...

charles picked out some shows and i have some eats...once i get my walmart order out..

i want to get some ice cream from baskin robbins but it's a bit of a drive...maybe i'll go around 11a tomorrow...

anyway..

life is good..

i did wobble a bit and got so excited about camp, i reached out to my old camp staff...2 responded...which made me really happy.

and now that i'm experienced with human flakiness...thought it did affect me...it wasn't long lasting...

i had some chipotle...the weather is good..

and i feel amazing...

happy to listen to my city scapes and stare out the window..

one of these days i will get a balcony...

oh and my google flight alerts alerted me to a flight i was tracking...and the price went down $100 from what i was willing to pay. so, yay!!!

and way cheaper than the tour company was offering...

so yeah..yellowstone is happening.

and i leave for camp in 10 days! and i'm already packed and ready to go..

so this is awesome...loving retirement so far...

all 2 months of it!

still loving life...learning how to relax

 i had a chat with charles last night because i was concerned about sleeping too much - sometimes it's sugar, sometimes it's the heat...other times I don't know..

but he says if you are recovering from burnout it can take 1-2 years and that was a huge relief...

i never considered myself burned out from work...i just had trouble coping...but maybe that's burnout..

and it's hard to know even how far back to go... all the stress from living...that's what i'm more likely burned out from..

constant survival and adrenaline... i'm burned out from surviving...

i could relate to quite a few things charles said..

but the TL;DR was just relax and let yourself heal...if that means 1 year of hammock time...so be it..

he talked about micro goals...which will probably be my move going forward...

just go outside for 5 minutes...

there's just so many plates i need to juggle - in terms of keeping myself functioning...staving off diabetes, not falling back into the black hole...

but yeah, the more i plan... the less i want to follow the plan... that's where i get stuck...i feel chaos..i plan... i don't follow the plan..

i see unstructured time..i structure it.. i dread the structure...

but this is par for the course...

so it seems 2027...that's the year post recovery...i'm thinking... see i'm already structuring my own recovery...old habits...